Monday, July 30, 2012

Little Sisters in Shittiness

Monday Blessings from a younger version of Jenny!

That's right.  I am a trickster who is writing this post-for-the-future on Friday.  Woah.

Remember Friday?  When the weekend was still right in front of you? Before you had seen the Opening ceremonies?  (Have I mentioned that if someone told me to stick my tongue in a light socket in a British accent, I probably would?)  They were simpler times.

I am doing this mainly because on Monday I will more than likely be running around my house trying to hurl piles of laundry from unacceptable spots to acceptable ones, and then heading to the ninth-circle-of-hell otherwise known as LAX airport.  All in preparations for the fabulous 16 year old sister in law who I will be spending the second half of Monday strangling with love.  We will be referring to her as Bubella (thank you, EmHart).  I feel like that name both captures that she is Bubba's little sister, and also makes you think "wait.. didn't I get vaccinated for that once?"

So today (Friday - keep up, damnit) the best friend Mr. T and I stopped into a Barnes & Nobles.  On a note completely unrelated to what I'm about to talk about, check out some brilliant asshole's idea on book arrangement -


No words.

ANYHOO.

Mr. T is on a strange quest to find all the Bernstein Bear books and so before I knew what was happening I found myself in the children's book section.  As I ran screeching out of it, I thought "oh, looky that, another strange habit thanks to Infertility".


I am, undeniably, a different Jenny than I was a few years ago. I retain my goofy core, but I am full of habits, reactions and strange information I could have happily lived without.

Wouldn't it be nice if when you started trying to have a baby, you'd just get a letter in the mail telling you that you're infertile?  Some lovely letter from people who are longstanding members of the Infertility Club, welcoming you, giving you perhaps a few nuggets of solid gold advice? A sort of "Little Sisters in Shittiness" program.

Okay so it wouldn't be the best letter you ever got (maybe we could also throw in a muffin basket?) but you'd have a better idea of what you were getting into instead of slowly watching it happen to yourself.  Rip the damn Bandaid, I say.

With that in mind, I started thinking about what possible advice I could give to someone who has just realized that they are not going to be in the 'whoops!  I'm pregnant!' category.

I reserve the right to revisit this subject, add and subtract - but here's what I have so far.





On Smug Fertiles:
When every mother fucking mother your age is working on their third child and asking you why you don't have one, I find it best to have an arsenal of responses prepared to suit your mood.

 If you're feeling snarky and mysterious, I would go with something like "I have no kids, just free time and money".  If you're feeling shocking, something along the lines of "I'm barren, jackass".

Or if, like me, you've just reached the point where you want to make people as uncomfortable as they make you, launch into a ten minute explanation (make sure not to pause, an interruption will ruin it) of your infertility woes, and try to work the phrase "cervical mucus" into your speech as much as humanly possible.


On Progesterone:
Speaking of cervical mucus... If anyone in a lab coat ever utters the phrase "progesterone suppositories" to you, as soon as you can get your pants on, I want you to go to Target.  Buy two packs of grandma underpants that you will not get attached to - for you will be throwing them out at the end of your visit to Progesteland, if not burning them in your back yard.

"Progesterone Suppository" is Infertile speak for "This will be the grossest thing that has happened to you ever in the history of ever.  Giant clumps of hideousness will be falling out of you all day, every day.  Excellent practice for the sensation of giving birth only instead of a baby, it will just be a giant lump of awful".



On HSGs, Saline Sonograms and Trial transfers:
Doctors can be funny.  When they tell you they're going to do a test to have a 'look see' at your uterus, they will probably also smile, and tell you to perhaps take a Tylenol beforehand.  I want you to smile back, leave quietly, and then blow every drug dealer in town if necessary to get a Vicodin.

All of these tests mean that you will be spending an afternoon with your legs in the air, with 3-5 people inserting crazy things into your vajajay (a wand?  A teapot?  A small collection of toy trucks?  You won't know after awhile) looking and feeling like an advertisement for gang rape.


On Side Effects:
Also on the subject of Doctor hilarity, when they write you a script for something and say the side effects "aren't that bad", you are to interpret that to mean that much like Godzilla you will be blowing up to 10 times your usual size and terrorizing your entire city.


On Laughing:
Do it.  Do it a lot.

I am a woman always trying to find the funny in things.  Always and forever, in my life, there are going to be people who find this off-putting - particularly when it comes to the subject of infertility some people (understandably) have a hard time finding the silly in it. I laugh - this means I will never be a 'for everybody' person and this is certainly not going to be a blog to point the super-serious in the direction of .

I like to think that in order to stay human, we have to laugh x many of times a year.  Say, 10 million.  Otherwise you turn into a goblin.

There have been days during this long strange trip through infertility, where I cannot find the funny or goofy in anything - and I can promise you with absolute certainty there will be days like that for you as well.  So my best little nugget of advice, keeping the goblin rule in mind, is that when you can find the silly in something - laugh. Laugh twice.



(Sidenote - can we not all agree to collectively burn all copies of "Love You Forever"?   Honestly.  Yes it's wonderful but that book only makes people cry.  Just seeing the cover I burst into flames). 



Alright my darling sisters in shittiness, what are your golden nuggets?









54 comments:

  1. How about:

    Enjoy good, joyful, abandoned, sexy, minxy sex as much as you can at the moment, because you and sex are about to fall out big time. I don't say you are going to never see eye to eye again, it comes and goes. But be prepared, infertility steals your mojo just like Dr Evil, sucking it out with a big syringe. Sometimes you will have to have sex when all you want to do is cry and sometimes you will cry when all you wanted to do was have sex. And you know how you used to love putting on cute undies and being a sex kitten. Well, when you end up inserting preseed (preseed with caution Kitt always says) before sex and then lying on your back bicycling your legs in the air afterwards, sex kitten you are not.

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    1. Oh, and I am another person trying my hardest to laugh through this shity shit shit. Your wonderful blog is immensely helpful in achieving that goal by the way my dear friend. I also find now the only tab on pinterest I ever bother with is the humor tab.

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    2. "Sometimes you will have to have sex when all you want to do is cry and sometimes you will cry when all you wanted to do was have sex."

      Yes. YESSSSSSS.

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  2. Excellent advice. I have nothing to add. And I DO mention cervical mucus at every available opportunity, particularly to my husband. >:)

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    1. I find the word 'mucus' to be a good conversation starter whether related or unrelated to infertility.

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  3. I would normally not condone burning of books, but yes, burn that one like it's the Spanish Inquisition. My mom has a copy (as well as hidden copies for her future grandchildren, bless her heart) and from the first moment she wept her way through it when she showed it to me I knew that nothing good could come from it. She's a weeper, my mom, and now she just needs to reference that book to start with the weeping.

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    1. I am sooooo not a crier and that book DEVASTATES me. I, thank the heavens, have not read it since I started TTC (seeing the cover was enough, thankyouverymuch) but it makes me want to run the 60 miles to my Moms house and tackle her.

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    2. The episode of friends when Joey does a 'dramatic reading' floors me too.

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  4. I would add something on smug former infertiles. I've found that group to be the hardest group to talk with among my friends. A few friends have been through IVF and are now on the other side, and it seems they have forgotten the agony of it all. Like we just need to give it another go and it'll work. Ok. Great idea. Why didn't I think of that? I'd also love to hear your musings on the cost of it all. I mean, insurance will over a host of problems brought on by poor habits and shit choices, but not infertility. Who doesn't love our insurance system? Thanks again for the laughs in this post. Hope the trip to hell was awesome. Thanks for making me remember my favorite kids books, too.

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    1. Yes! I have found the hardest people to deal with through the whole IVF process were my BIL and his wife who had a successful IVF a couple years ago (and are now on round 2 for baby #2). I thought they would be the most help/support to us, but they are just smug and know-it-all. Ugh.

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    2. My personal favorite breed of infertile is the one that got lucky waaaaay early in the process but still says things like "it'll happen, you just have to relax". Really?

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    3. As someone who got lucky...I really hate those people who have forgotten what it was like. One of my BFF's has PCOS and I thought for sure she would be a good resource, but for some reason she had completely forgotten what it was like to struggle.

      I really hope I'm not one of those smug former IFers...I'm still and IFer and I remember ever pain staking moment it took to get my miracle...I had a lot of support when I went through all of that and I really hope I can offer support to those who are still struggling...IF SUCKS MONKEY BALLS and as far as I'm concerned it has marked me forever.

      Someone please let me know if I am one of those smug people...I don't want to be one of them and will do whatever it takes to stop it!

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  5. You, my dear, need to write a book. You had this bitter infertile laughing until I had tears, especially at the one about preparing yourself for tests like HSG's. HILARIOUS! I think one thing I wish I had known when we started trying 2.5 years ago is that every wedding that you go to while you are trying, be prepared as they WILL be pregnant and potentially on their second kid before you have one. Would have made surprise pregnancy announcements from people married 4 years after us so much easier. And I definitely agree with EmHart...

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    1. Eee gads. I am so thankful that most of my friends seem to be not headed in the direction of marriage.. And when a family wedding comes up.. Yick. The last one if there was any scenario where I didn't have to drive I would've started drinking when I woke up.

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  6. Every time someone with a baby looks at me and says, "You'll be next", I like to look at them with wild, crazy eyes like how Samuel L. Jackson can do. Like this: http://9gag.com/gag/4871318

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    1. I have super-big eyes, so I can accomplish this look with absolute ease.

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  7. Thank you so much for this. I really needed the laugh today. I laughed twice just to in case I was on my way to becoming a goblin.

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    1. Yessss! If I help one person avoid the goblin just a smidge I would be very happy.

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  8. "I have no kids, just free time and money" - I'm going to go practice this in front of the mirror right now!

    On Waiting for 2 weeks - prepare everyone in your life for the craziest version of yourself. Have plenty of ice cream on hand and a drink of choice waiting for you at the end just in case. It would be best if you could just sleep for the whole 2 weeks and then wake up and test for instant gratification.

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    1. That one's my favorite. MY FAVORITE PHRASE.

      Agreed. Two week coma is the way to go.

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  9. This is fabulous!! Someone said you need to write a book...do it! You could write a whole set on infertility that people would LOVE! I adore your descriptions of everything. It's so true!!! You are real and uplifting. I love you :-D See, I told you your blog would be a success :-D Please mention me in your book hehe.

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    1. Haha! I provide nothing useful! Just shenanigans!

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  10. I do try and laugh at the situation, but some days it is so, so hard. Thanks for bringing the funny with your blog. It helps.

    I was just talking about HSG's and how useless an advil is with a friend the other day. She called it liquid rape.

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  11. Gosh I love your blog! So glad to have found it :)
    Hope you have fun with your SiL :)
    And yes... progest sups are gross.... along with the clumps of white gooeyness.. it also made my pee foam up in the toilet o_O

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    1. All kinds of down there craziness... And it's so downplayed!

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  12. Your progesterone comments are so true. I ruined many a nice thong with that shit. All I got was another miscarriage. You are so right about the laughing. I think I cried more times Han I laughed today and that ain't good. I will just read you post over and over until I catch up. :)

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    1. Freaking miscarriages.. Bahumbug.

      I stupidly got cocky because I was on the suppositories for two days and it wasn't that gross - enter day 3 with a nice pair of underwear. Panty karma.

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  13. Thank you so much for helping me laugh while I am hopped up on hormones! I hope all of your piles found good hiding spots! Have fun with Bubella :)

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    1. My laundry found better homes! Mostly...

      Hormone laughter is the best laughter. Usually turns into weeping. ;)

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  14. I did progesterone suppositories during my IVF because I thought it would be 'more convenient' while traveling than wrangling needles (honestly I was a big wimp to do the needeles by myself!) It was so gross- at a conference and feeling like I had a rabid va-jay-jay- like foaming... so. so. gross.
    2nd- about that godforsaken 'love you forever' book- Horrible. My friend gave it to my son at his 2nd birthday (it was for me I guess.) Of course I cried and my husband said it was shit. I can't figure out WHY she thought it was awesome (she just gushed.) My conclusion has to be that, as a happy-go-lucky- everything works out for her, charmed life sort of thing- she must like it simply because it makes her CRY. Something she NEVER has to given that she is a successful young professor, pretty, everyone likes her, she has NO fertility issues, rich herself and rich husband.. I could on but I already feel inadequate enough! So for people that CRY often- this book is just shit.

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    1. That book is a very specific form of beautiful evil.

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  15. HAHA! Just today I was explaining to some friends that I'll need to go in for an appointment next week before we start our IVF, and while I'm not exactly sure what they are looking for, I am certain it will involve "inserting dildo like objects into my lady parts"

    I'm totally going to think on how to add to your list....

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    1. You should be blowing every drug dealer in town, I say.

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    2. Only if they pay for my IVF.... ;)

      You should add to your list: when finding things to do that help you feel like a normal person and are looking for a buddy ( I am looking for someone feeling up to skydiving on my 30th birthday!), or am looking to drown some sorrows in alcohol - expect at least one "I would go if I weren't pregnant" type response.

      Oh, I'm sorry - I had NO idea you and everyone was pregnant. Or that you couldn't be pregnant and sky dive. Or drink.

      *facepalm*

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  16. My advice? Steal a baby, it's a lot easier than this shit

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    1. Or grow a baby tree. Equally as likely as growing anything in my uterus.

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    2. Okay how does this baby tree thing work? I have a green thumb, it might work. Can you grow them from seeds (ie baby excrement) or must they be transplanted (plant a baby in the ground, if so which way is up?) if its the latter option we have to return to the fact that we don't have babies and may still need to steal one.

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    3. Ok, am I the only weirdo who just visualised me standing beside a hole in the ground while hubby jerked off into it?

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    4. Nooooo.... but maybe this is something we should try...

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  17. You are hilarious, and where have you been all my TTC life? Your blog is what I want mine to be :) in fact dont even go read my crappy blog, it doesnt even begin to hold a candle to yours, even though we are in the same boat.

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    1. haha thank you! And of course I want to see your crappy blog. ;)

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  18. Just got off the phone with a very fertile friend and after she probed, I told her we are starting our first IVF. Didn't go way into detail because I try to leave my poor husband out of it when I can.

    I know she meant well, but even after I explained it a little bit, she really said that she had a few friends, who "as soon as they stopped reallllly trying", conceived easily. And then their second ones came right after, bam!

    I'm like okay. This girl doesn't know what IVF or MFI is. She is probably the 5th person I've talked to who can't distinguish IVF from IUI from a prenatal vitamin.

    So I said, "No really, we could NEVER get pregnant without the highest level of assisted reproductive technology", but thanks anyway.

    I guess you gotta know your audience. (eyeroll into the back of my head)

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  19. My advice is never buy a bug zapper while you're on Clomid. My husband hooked one up in our backyard one evening while I was in the throes of Clomid, and I sat outside and cried and cried each time it Bzzz'd. I talked all about how I could hear each one of them die. I couldn't take that shit. I made him return it to the store, little bug bodies and all. (Interestingly enough, the store took it back...)

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    1. Hahaha - I'm totally going to steal this when I'm trying to describe my long-ago adventures in Clomid. "I know a lady who cried at a bug zapper". Yesssss!

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  20. OMG, my mother-in-law (otherwise known as "that cow") just sent me a Berenstein Bears book! It has a heap of stories in it, the new bike, the spooky house, the perfect picnic, the museum etc. I wondered why the hell she thought I'd enjoy this (to me, it's not the most riveting read I have ever come across....maybe I'm alone in this?) then my hubby gets super excited and admits it was his fav book as a kid! I am just shocked there is someone else out there who loves them as much as he does. Enjoy your time with Bubella, I am jealous!! My SIL's are total bee-itches!
    Lisa

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    1. Good gawd my in-laws are going on my list of things I am thankful for! I have read some crazy ass shit as of late on in-laws.

      I haven't read Berenstein Bears in a loooong time but I lurve them.. Probably because I read them when I was little. Remains to be seen what I would think if I just picked them up now..

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  21. Wish I'd gotten one of those letters a few years ago... would have come in handy :) Thinking of you xoxo

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  22. As always, you offer up the best medicine....Laughter. I plan on reading your entire blog from the beginning while going through my FET next month. There is this study on how laughter improves outcomes with IVF and FET's. I laughed my ass off watching old TV shows on netflix last time around...this time...you and your hilariousness will get me through...

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    1. HA!

      You I adore. SMOOOOOOCH.

      I will attempt to tickle you and if not through this blog I will do it in person with feathers and light touch.

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  23. This post has just made me laugh for the first time in 5 days. Here is a fan/stalker for life now! I think I was well on the way to becoming a Goblin today!

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    1. I am anti-goblin. ANTI-GOBLIN!

      I will likewise hang out in your bushes with binoculars. Let's get stalkery.

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  24. Just found your blog and it is amazing, especially this post!

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