Sunday, July 29, 2012

Secret Sunday: The Trilogy

Happy Sunday, my fellow ovarian gimps!

It is Saturday as I write this and I have just survived a surprise visit from my Grandma - the cleanliest woman in the world.

So many visits in the house of Stork.  Today sneaky Grandma, tomorrow or Monday step-father in law (is that a thing?  He is an awesome stepfather-in-law, not of the evil variety) and Monday the sister-in-law (also of the awesome variety).

Enough with silly visits.

Strap on your very best Easter Mary-Janes and hide your boner in a Holy Book, it's Secret Sunday.

Having spent the day being gassed by fumes coming out of my fridge, I was admittedly stumped for what my secret today would be.  I asked the soon-to-be-west sister in lawlessness what the weirdest thing I had ever told her was - and she said "didn't you throw dirty tampons at a girl?"

Oh yesssss I did.

Okay, well I didn't throw them at her but I did put them in her backpack.

And before you go picturing me as one of the girls in the opening scene of Carrie, let me assure you she deserved it.

Of all the bad things you can say about Stupid Stork (I'm chubby, I am incapable of a tan, my eyes are ginormous and my left boob is noticeably bigger than the right) you cannot accuse me of being uncreative.

So, I had what you could I guess call a "high school sweetheart" -  the guy I dated from 8th grade to 10th grade, my first love.

I met him as I started 8th grade as the 'new kid'.  I had lived in this east-coast town from kindergarten to 5th grade, then lived in Mexico City, Mexico for two years, and returned for 8th grade.  So there were definitely some kids I knew from Elementary School, but to most of them I was 'new'.

I had never met - let's call him Kevin - before, so I was unaware that he was a big deal.  He was cute, pretty funny and asked me out.  So I said yes.  There were a gaggle of girls in junior high who I didn't know, but who instantly disliked me because of this.

One of them was so bent out of shape over it, that a month into my 'relationship' with Kevin she did three things:

  1. She grabbed his crotch in P.E. and licked his earlobe. Repeatedly.
  2. She told people I probably had some weird Mexican STD.
  3. When confronted about this by one of my friends, she said "what's that bugeyed freak going to do about it?"

I was told about this by multiple reliable sources.  I attempted to brush it off, but the last straw came when  she body checked me in the hallway.  As we established in a previous secret, I do not enjoy pushing.  My creativity was lit aflame when I noted during said body check that she had a hideously bright turquoise backpack with keychains hanging off the zipper.

My friend Ro and I were both on our periods.  (Come to think of it - Ro was also the one who, after finding out I had gotten my first period, went home and drew in her underpants.  We are connected by menstruation).  

We decided to be late to our class during the offending girl's gym period.  We went into the locker room after they were clearly already in the gym (she, probably off somewhere hitting on my boyfriend), and used the toilets.  We both removed our own tampons, and for good measure emptied out the special lady-boxes in the stalls of any tampons or pads we could find.  We then stuffed them into the small pocket of her stupid backpack.

I was later told that she went to media studies class, retrieved a pencil and they all fell out onto the ground. Word spread, and when people passed her in the hallway they dramatically plugged their noses. 

When a girl asked me if I had anything to do with it, I said "what's that fish-stinking freak going to do about it?"

This week's are amazing.  

From B:
I was a preschool teacher for 8 years.  I worked with infants to six year-old children but for the most part, I was in the two & three year-old room.  I've had many, many bad children over those years pass through my room due to not-so-great parenting.  One of them really sticks out.  It was a little boy who terrorized all the other children, threw fits every hour he was there, and made me want to pull my hair out.  There was one day he stood next to our mini toilet & pooped next to it while looking at me the whole time.  One day when I had enough, I waited until he fell asleep on the little cot, hovered my bum in the air over him, & farted on his head.  

From AnonyMom:
I pick my daughter's nose...yes thats right. If I see a bat in that cave, I'll go spelunking to get it child of mine is going to have a boog prairie dogging with each breath. So yes, I pick my daughter's nose. And as I do it, I always say, "you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose....HA WATCH ME! Don't ever tell me I can't do something." And then I dig in...and no I don't pick and flick or anything gross like that...I wipe on a baby wipe or on a tissue....or my husband's sleeve which ever is closer.

From The House Elf:
I have this thing where I like to think I have a magic food cupboard. When I’m making a snack (and I’m home alone….) I like to prepare whatever it is I’m going to eat, let’s say toast, and then I put it on the plate I’m going to eat it off- while the plate is still in the cupboard- and close the door. I pretend I didn’t put the snack in the cupboard and I go and get a drink or cutlery or whatever…………….. then I go back to the cupboard and “poof!” there’s my snack already prepared. I have been doing this for years, I know it is totally weird and I am fully aware I should probably get some sort of therapy for it but for some reason I think it’s awesome

From the Little Lover:
I've been reading and watching A Game of Thrones recently. A couple weeks ago, I had a sexy dream about Tyrion Lannister. He's the last person I would expect to have that kind of dream about. There are quite a few sexy men on that show that are more my type. However, the sex was really mind-blowing!!! Ever since then, I have been thinking about what it would be like to be with a Little Person. Particularly Tyrion Lannister. I have nothing against Little People (although my mind used to revert to Umpa Lumpas). I have never fantasized about one - until now (not Umpa Lumpas, just Little People)!

From Arwen Rose at mrkhmusings :
On our recent trip to D.C. - a trip down memory lane to where we met and first became friends - hubs and I got pretty tipsy, aka horny, and had sex on the Mall, right by the reflecting pool! It was dark and I was discreetly sitting on his lap skirted but oopsie totally illegal but incredibly hot!!

From K at LaughingwithIF:
So the husband is a mechanic, and we were going to a Hockey game right after work, but were feeling a little randy (and the Stick God told me we were prime baby making time) so we decided to act like we were 16 again. We drove over to his companies "overflow" lot - basically where they put all the extra cars for sale they can't fit on their main lot. This lot is normally DEAD.

So we get to doing our business and I'm a little weirded out but what the Stick God says is LAW in our house. So literally 2 second after we finish and begin putting our clothes back on, a car pulls up in the spot BESIDE us and i'm like OH SHIT!

It was a salesman and he proceeded to roll his window down and ask if we needed any help.
I was going to explain to him about Stick God but decided to just say, "No we're fine "and roll the window back up.
I don't think my face has ever been more red.

From EmHart:
I went to the beach on Wednesday with my mum and sister. We had been there all day and eaten a rather large lunch and had several ice creams. Suddenly I was overcome with the urge to evacuate the old system, so I headed off across the beach to the loo's. Once there I took a look in all of the stalls. No paper. No paper in a single on. I peeked outside, could I see an attendant? No, no I could not. Could I make it back to my sister and mum for tissues? No, no it was becoming more urgent by the moment. Once I gotta go, I gotta go. So turtle head appearing I had to head into a stall and do my business. Ah crap, what now? Sad to say my friends, a rather lovely pair of duck egg blue panties, with little red cherries on them made the ultimate sacrifice. And I loved those knickers too. Thank goodness I was wearing shorts and not a skirt hey? 

From Lisa:
When I was about 8yo, I was in an arcade as I'm sure most 80's children were back in the day.
I had just put a token in to a game when suddenly, I felt the urge to pee. 
What to do?? Do I stop everything, lose that token I just spent and walk across the mall to the bathroom? 
Do I try to hold it and play my game?
Nah, none of those will do!
My 8yo brain just said 'screw it!' So I played my game while peeing all over myself. 
Now if that's not bad enough, I had the brilliant idea that swishing my foot around in the pee puddle would somehow hide the evidence.
So not only did I pee on myself.. on purpose, I was also essentially playing in it afterwards too.
Good times....

Right about now you should be having visions of doing it with little people in a public place, hopefully in a pool of your own pee pee.

Hot damn I love this Church.


  1. Your story is the most disgusting story I've heard in a long time and I'm a nurse. My hat goes off to you.

  2. These secrets are awesome, can't wait for next week! I'll have to send you one once I can think about something other than my best friend's surprise pregnancy announcement yesterday...sigh...Infertility sucks...

  3. I offered to stick my used tampon under a door handle to a car for a friend once. I think the House Elf story made me laugh the hardest! I'm surprised I never thought about doing that.

    1. That one is my favorite. I may start using it.

    2. That was, without doubt, my favorite of the bunch too. I can see her doing it. 'Ohh, magic food cupboard thank you, toast, what a surprise'.

  4. That is some nasty ass shit dude. And brilliantly evil. And nasty. Damn. I promise to never ever push you or lick your boyfriend's ear.

    1. As long as we're clear that I'm Carrie in this story and not Carrie's tormenters - I was pushed, pushed I say!

  5. Wowzers, that is a CRAZY secret to share! I thought the girls at MY school were crazy...LOL

  6. Keep in mind I was a very intense teenager.... I'm nice, nice, nice, now! Of course if you lick my husbands ear or push me... I make no promises. ;)

  7. LMAO! That is an awesome revenge story!! Nice! Sounds like she totally deserved it! My BFF chased a mean boy around with her used tampon once.
    Great stories this week! Pee, poo, boogers, and sex! ha! And I think that magic snack thing is really cute lol.

  8. This is the best church ever! These were hilarious!

    Note to self: do not get on Stupid Stork's bad side.

  9. These are awesome! I may have lost a pair of undies or two to the same fate Em, no shame in that one!