Women on Women. (And not in the porn way).

Good day, my little kumquats.

It is currently 4,000 degrees outside, and I am out here with my laptop in the hopes that the heat will work like a sweat lodge, and I will magically lose whatever pounds I have gained this past week.  (Post-chemical pregnancy, I am very much in a "screw you, uterus!  I'm drinking regular pepsi and shoveling garbage into my mouth!" kind of phase.)

I've been thinking a lot about the magical online network of sad infertile women  and how fantastico it is to be able to escape the real world of endless pregnant bellies.  I should say when I say "sad woman" I say this affectionately - I am a sad infertile woman.  When I say that, I'm owning it.  There, that's out of the way.

In real life, it is like all of my relatives, acquaintances, friends have won the lottery and I get to watch.  They're zooming around in their helicopters while I'm gassing up my 97' Honda, shouting down "if only you had relaxed it would've happened!".  And then click, I turn on my computer and there you are.  My sisters in shittiness.

I signed up on sad women boards in 2010, I believe.  I was on for awhile, and then admittedly, I was off for longer because I was driving myself bananas.  These sites can be awesome life-savers most of the time, but if you let yourself, you can totally use them to drive yourself bat shit crazy.

With that said, I have had some thoughts.

Jenny's "from my experience" "totally just my opinion" thoughts and rules on sad women boards:


Rule Numero Uno:  We should all assume that everyone on there is telling the truth.   
A fact:  There are going to be women who are not entirely truthful.  There is, more than likely because it's the internet, going to be at least one man pretending to be a woman.  There's going to be a teenager playing pretend.  Knowing that, we still have to believe what people say - because finding out someone isn't who they say they are would result in a scandalous few days followed by a really bizarre story to tell people, and in my wackadoo opinion would probably end up being funny-creepy.  Not believing someone who is telling the truth results in making someone feel like shit.


Rule Numero Dos:  Stare at pee with caution.
Go on the pee-stick boards if you're in a place where wishing someone congrats is something that feels good, and will make you feel like you've earned a little bit of Good Karma.  Do not use it if in your current mental state, it is the internet equivalent of lighting some candles, putting on "The Cure" and cutting yourself while you weep softly.


Rule Three:  The goal should always be to make someone (including yourself) feel better.
Say something nice if you're going to say something.  If someone has posted a picture of a completely white pregnancy test, don't lie to them but throw in a "fingers crossed" or a "good luck".  If someone's having a shit time, throw in an "I'm sorry".  Whether they're 2dpo and testing or 14 dpo and testing, tell them they're not out until AF shows (because it's true).  I think a lot of times people don't know how they come off when they just say "I don't see it" without any good vibes thrown in for good measure.  All the fluffy things we say when we have to tell someone it doesn't look good is the internet-infertile equivalent of saying "please" and "thank you" in real life.  Add or subtract those words from a sentence, and it sounds completely different. 


I'm a fan of saying something silly (I know, I know, close your mouth) because it's usually a crap time and I don't see why we should deny ourselves laughs if we can get them.


Rule 4:  Ignore the assholes and don't become one.
This is in line with rules 2 & 3, but let's elaborate on other people.  Sometimes other people are going to be endlessly irritating, and a few are going to be outright assholes.  (We all know that if in real life you got 50 people in a room, one of them is going to be irritating, one of them is going to be an outright asshole - and in my snarky opinion that's a kind estimate).  Ignore the genuinely stupid (and maybe say a hail mary on behalf of their kids).  The ones that are genuinely irritating, click - magic - you can make them go away.


And if someone goes way over the line and says something genuinely awful, tell me and I will beat them up.


Rule E:  TRY our best not to compare ourselves
Okay this one is rough.  Admittedly, when someone says they've been trying for their 3rd child for 3 months, they're under 32 and they are upset, my lip automatically goes into a Sid Vicious snarl and I think "really.. Please... Tell me how rough that is for you".


Try (emphasis on try) to keep in mind that there are different stress-handling capabilities.  If you are reading this blog and you are not offended, I'm going to venture a guess to say that you are a badass with a thicker skin, a Strong Woman.  I am a badass strong woman.  I am at the end of my rope, don't get me wrong, but I can still joke about it and I have it in me to power through (even though I am fucking bitter about it).  


There are some women who are going to feel worse off than me for far less.  I have the most difficulty with it, but I try (try!) not to judge people like that.  I'm just annoyed in private.

Rule Seis:  A loss is a loss is a loss.
Some women are going to hallucinate chemicals.  Fact.

I just went through as verified a chemical as you can get (closely monitored IVF, positive digital pregnancy tests, decreasing hcg in my blood).  I'm not sure I'm too bothered by the fact that some hallucinate this because if it's real to her, what difference does it really make.

I also have gotten extremely kind words from women who have had much further along miscarriages - clearly these women have mastered Rule E.  While I know my loss wasn't nearly as bad as a lot of women's, it was so comforting to be validated.  Another title to this rule could be "Sometimes the best thing you can say is 'I'm sorry - that fucking sucks so hard'".

Rule Seven:  Watch the "if I were you's"
Okay, so we hunt each other out in part because we need advice.  True.


Also true?  I'm not a woman that believes there are too many lines that can be crossed.


However, if you find yourself wanting to type "if I were you I'd just adopt", "If I were you I'd just quit trying", "If I were you, I wouldn't do IVF/IUI/Art".... or worse, if you are not even talking directly to the person you are referring to, and you are still in public (I say say whatever you want in private - go crazy snarky in private) and find yourself typing "if I were HER I would just adopt, quit, say no to the IVF/IUI/Art"...  


Even if you fluff it up in a nice delivery... Even if in your head you completely think you're helping the girl...See that line over there in Egypt?  Yup, you crossed it.


Rule Ocho:  Don't. ever. type. Just.  Relax.
If you are one of the more fertile ones, please, do not ever tell anyone to just relax and it will happen.  I assure you, I am cool as a cucumber to a disturbing degree.


Fun story - my husband has type 1 diabetes.  Out of nowhere, his pancreas just died.  Before this treasonous organ up and failed on him, he was completely relaxed about his pancreatic activities. They hadn't spoken a harsh word to each other in years.


Now, did I forget any rules?