Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Happy Vagiversary! And Seeecrets....

Hello, ladies I'm increasingly wanting to bang.

Today marks the - Jesus Christ - 21 year anniversary of when I got my first period.

Relax, relax, I won't be celebrating by being naked in my backyard and playing the bongos to the moon goddess (I only do that at Christmas parties), it's just that 7-11 is easy to remember.

I was nine.  One of my friends was so jealous that I started early, she went home and drew red marker in her underwear and showed it to her Mom. (Her twin was hap-hap-happy to tell me this story).

But my period.  What.  The. Fuck.  What a broken promise that was.  Your period means that someday you'll be able to have a baby.  You get used to this awful, nasty bitch showing up every month, making you  a crazy person, so that one day, you can have a baby.  Well, period?

Honestly, the powers that be - G-d, Zeus, Mother nature, Tom Cruise, hell if I know - should just not let you get your period, if they know  that one day it's going to serve. no. purpose.  That way, when you're sixteen and you haven't gotten your period yet, the Doctor can say "well, you can't have kids".  You're probably too young to care, and by the time you're old enough to, you're used to it.  You'd decide how much it matters to you, decide on adopting, or decide what you're going to do instead of having kids.  You do not accidentally purchase and invest in things for a life that doesn't exist.

But, nope.  My "cycle" is not helping me make any babies, but she's still there, making enough blood so that when I get off the toilet the evidence suggests a tiny person swimming in my toilet has been eaten by Jaws.  She mocks me.  Mocks. Me.



So I will be 'celebrating' my anniversary by finally getting out into the world, a bit.  I will be going to Corner Bakery with my best friend, Mr. T., for brunch.

When I was in the serious depression phase of my failed IVF and short-lived pregnancy (read:  zombie on couch) , Mr. T came over  and said "I don't know what I can do for you, so I'm going to clean your house". And so he did.

He brought me "The Passion of the Christ" and "Fame".  When I asked for the theme he mysteriously said in case I 'needed a laugh'.

He brought me a giant stuffed strawberry with feet.

He said "oh honey, when you're feeling better we've gotta  do something about your eyebrows".

He sent me a card in the mail (despite the fact that I live 7 miles away).  The front of the card looks like this:



So, I owe it to this man to get my shit together and go out.  So I'm going to straighten my hair, put on some make up, and be out of my pajamas for more than two hours.  Strike up the band.

I realized I am making post-chemical progress.  Two weeks ago, in a Chipotle, I wept when I walked in because Willie Nelson was singing a Coldplay song.  (I am not a crier nor does Willie Nelson typically pull at my heart strings).  This weekend, at same Chipotle, I cackled out loud because I thought of something funny.

You may have read about my love for Billy Eichner here.  Here is my favorite video of his:


Watch it, you will die.  Anyhoodle - the part where he says "GET THE MEAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!"  That entered my mind at Chipotle this last weekend as I was blankly staring at a man eating a burrito, and I cackled out loud like a crazy woman (still do, now, just thinking about it...).

See?  Progress.  Progress measured in trips to Chipotle, but progress nonetheless.

But I'm still not quite ready to do anything about my eyebrows.



Oh and PS -

Was thinking about doing something called "Secret Sunday" on here.  What?  Yes.

Here's my idea and I think we should give it a go-round.  Every Sunday, I'm going to post some disgusting secret about myself, and I want you to do the same thing. It can be about infertility, it can be about something else.  It can be silly, sad, scary, embarrassing, whatever.  It's a great big confessional.  Just something you don't normally/ever tell people.

Anyway, you can email me your secret (I won't judge or give a rat's ass who is sending it to me, I'll never reveal who sent it to me, promise) and let me know how you want it to be signed (you can definitely go with anonymous).  Then I'm going to put up all the secrets (including mine) on Sunday.

What do we think?  I think we should give it a whirl - if I can get at least 3 secrets from people (but hopefully more) I'm going for it.

31 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Gracias love - it was delightful and full of silliness. ;)

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  2. Happy Vagiversary to you! Mother nature is one sick biotch! That I know for sure. I am glad you are getting up-an-at-em today. That is the hardest thing...getting out. I hope that your friend provides you some more comic relief! I am down for the secrets thing. Now I just have to think of some.

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    1. I successfully put on make up AND clothes, but just stopped shy of straightening my hair. Progress, I say!

      Think of a secret or I will punch you in the ovary. (was that harsh?)

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  3. Hi,

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    ReplyDelete
  4. Oooh, I like the idea of Secret Sunday. Also, I totally agree - what was the point of my suffering through *super* heavy periods before finally going on birth control at the tender age of 14 if it didn't do any good?? If we can't get pregnant, then we should have a "Get Out of Aunt Flo Free" card *forever*.

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  5. Happy Vagiversary!! I can't believe you remember that. I only know what age I was plus or minus a year...
    I am down for telling secrets to but I really can't think of any off hand.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have secrets I CAN FEEL IT.

      I know, I know. 7-11, that's how I remember. And I remember the day I lost my virginity (and that silence of the lambs was playing in the background). Can't remember what I had for dinner yesterday, but I can remember this.

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  6. Happy bleedaversary. When all of this baby nonsense is over I want to go get my lining permanently burned off.
    I am on painkillers and not sure I am making sense. If I remember later I will send you all my best secrets. Although I am not sure I have any. I will think or sleep on it.

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    Replies
    1. I'm so happy you are on the fun drugs! Yay fun drugs!

      You have filthy dirty secrets. Don't think I don't know.

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  7. Congratulations on 21 years of periods! I hope your brunch included bloody marys.

    I am totally in for Secret Sunday but I might need a reminder~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sadly, it did not. BOO.

      I will remind. Remind, harass, it's all the same thing.

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  8. Omg I love this post!! Happy Vagiversary!! Your friend sounds pretty amazing :-) Doesn't surprise me though, 'cuz you're amazing! I'm glad you're making progress. It took me awhile after IVF...I tell ya. I wish in a bad funk. You're doing great hun! One step at a time. Hugs and lots of love. Enjoy your day!!
    Oh, and I think Secret Sunday sounds like a great idea! Gosh, I don't know if I could participate though LOL!

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    Replies
    1. Ugh, that's supposed to say I was in a bad funk haha...not WISH! Doh!

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    2. My friends are Amazeballs, USA.

      You can participate. Oh youuuuu can participate.

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  9. Happy Vagiversary! I am super impressed you remember yours! I don't have the faintest clue when mine is (I just know I was 12)

    I've been trying all day to think of some secret about myself for Secret Sunday but can't think of anything I haven't already told (unfortunately I was born lacking a secret vault). Now that I've announced that, so much for anyone ever telling me a secret anymore lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh you got a secret.. I can sense it! Maybe just something awful you once thought that you didn't say out loud.

      I have a shit ton of those, btw.

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  10. Hello, Dahling! I can't believe you remember the exact DAY of the celebration of your menstruation! All I remember of mine is Mom allowing me to stay home from school, it being winter in upstate NY and her driving me to NJ to visit my cousins, the weather getting so bad we couldn't drive home that night, me sleeping in an oversized nightgown belonging to my Aunt and trying to disguise my pads and obvious cramping from my younger female cousins as we all slept in sleeping bags on the living room floor! See, useless shit stuck in my brain all these years later. BTW, are you planning on loaning out Mr. T or just gloating in front of us? Lemme guess, male girlfriend? I really want more male girlfriends. That's one of my secrets. I'll be sharing more on Sunday! Mwah!

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    Replies
    1. Lol yesss, Mr. T is WONDERFUL. And indeed, he is my lady friend. ;)

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  11. Happy Vagiversary! I don't remember the date of mine but I do distinctly remeber events of said date. I was 12, my Mom picked me up from school, I came home and went to use the toilet. Looked down at my underwear and yelled, "Noooo!!!" My mom panicked, asking what was wrong and I just went on about how life was so unfair.

    Even at 12 yrs old I knew how bitchy my period would end up being...18 yrs later and I'm still curled up in a little ball whenever she decides to F up my day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That period is an evil twat. (Literally).

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  12. Just found your blog on the ICLW list so paying an early visit, happy period anniversary! Sorry it has let you down so badly, nasty cow AF! I must say that does suck having to go through periods every month and still be infertile. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but as someone who never got a period and was told at 18 that I ‘will never have kids’ am afraid you’re just never too young to hear those words, never too young to not care and at 29 still not used to it, still wish I had a period so I had some, however tiny, hope of carrying my own baby! It truly sucks that we are all in this bugger of an IF world, however we are in it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Holy shit! I didn't even know that was really a thing! That's a thing? Woah I'm sorry. That DOES suck.

      You're right it's a shittastic IF world whatever way you look at it.

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    2. Born without a womb definitely sucks!!! You however are hilarious!!

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  13. I don't remember the exact date but I do remember I was 13 years old and found our in a MacDonald's loo cubical. Classy.

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  14. I remember being 11 and getting mine & crying in my mom's doorway at midnight over it. I believe two days later I had to start middle school and I had picked out a fantastic 90s dress with smiley faces all over it so I was super bummed. I love your blog & I will email you one of my secrets.
    PS. I'm a few months away from 29 and I play Animal Crossing. Even have the guide book! You're never too old for games.

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    Replies
    1. YAY for fantastic 90s dresses! What a bummer.

      Animal crossing has been a welcome distraction.. I can't procreate but I can fish. Damnit.

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  15. Hello, new follower here! Wow, you were so young, poor thing. I was one of those sad 16 or 17 year olds who had to go to the endocrinologist to get a period, and that's probably part of the reason I am now caught up in this IF mess (plus severe MFI). I am loving your voice and your blog. It's nice to laugh in a time that can feel so very depressing. I'm about to begin IVF in August, and have started blogging as a way to stay sane. God knows the TTC message boards drove me crazy, but the blogosphere is more my speed. I look forward to more of your posts, and good luck on this journey!

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    1. Helloooo there, new friend!

      Welcome to bloggy world. I am a newbie, too. Let's shake in fear together.

      August! It's getting close...

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