Today marks the - Jesus Christ - 21 year anniversary of when I got my first period.
Relax, relax, I won't be celebrating by being naked in my backyard and playing the bongos to the moon goddess (I only do that at Christmas parties), it's just that 7-11 is easy to remember.
I was nine. One of my friends was so jealous that I started early, she went home and drew red marker in her underwear and showed it to her Mom. (Her twin was hap-hap-happy to tell me this story).
But my period. What. The. Fuck. What a broken promise that was. Your period means that someday you'll be able to have a baby. You get used to this awful, nasty bitch showing up every month, making you a crazy person, so that one day, you can have a baby. Well, period?
Honestly, the powers that be - G-d, Zeus, Mother nature, Tom Cruise, hell if I know - should just not let you get your period, if they know that one day it's going to serve. no. purpose. That way, when you're sixteen and you haven't gotten your period yet, the Doctor can say "well, you can't have kids". You're probably too young to care, and by the time you're old enough to, you're used to it. You'd decide how much it matters to you, decide on adopting, or decide what you're going to do instead of having kids. You do not accidentally purchase and invest in things for a life that doesn't exist.
But, nope. My "cycle" is not helping me make any babies, but she's still there, making enough blood so that when I get off the toilet the evidence suggests a tiny person swimming in my toilet has been eaten by Jaws. She mocks me. Mocks. Me.
So I will be 'celebrating' my anniversary by finally getting out into the world, a bit. I will be going to Corner Bakery with my best friend, Mr. T., for brunch.
When I was in the serious depression phase of my failed IVF and short-lived pregnancy (read: zombie on couch) , Mr. T came over and said "I don't know what I can do for you, so I'm going to clean your house". And so he did.
He brought me "The Passion of the Christ" and "Fame". When I asked for the theme he mysteriously said in case I 'needed a laugh'.
He brought me a giant stuffed strawberry with feet.
He said "oh honey, when you're feeling better we've gotta do something about your eyebrows".
He sent me a card in the mail (despite the fact that I live 7 miles away). The front of the card looks like this:
So, I owe it to this man to get my shit together and go out. So I'm going to straighten my hair, put on some make up, and be out of my pajamas for more than two hours. Strike up the band.
I realized I am making post-chemical progress. Two weeks ago, in a Chipotle, I wept when I walked in because Willie Nelson was singing a Coldplay song. (I am not a crier nor does Willie Nelson typically pull at my heart strings). This weekend, at same Chipotle, I cackled out loud because I thought of something funny.
You may have read about my love for Billy Eichner here. Here is my favorite video of his:
Watch it, you will die. Anyhoodle - the part where he says "GET THE MEAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!" That entered my mind at Chipotle this last weekend as I was blankly staring at a man eating a burrito, and I cackled out loud like a crazy woman (still do, now, just thinking about it...).
See? Progress. Progress measured in trips to Chipotle, but progress nonetheless.
But I'm still not quite ready to do anything about my eyebrows.
Oh and PS -
Was thinking about doing something called "Secret Sunday" on here. What? Yes.
Here's my idea and I think we should give it a go-round. Every Sunday, I'm going to post some disgusting secret about myself, and I want you to do the same thing. It can be about infertility, it can be about something else. It can be silly, sad, scary, embarrassing, whatever. It's a great big confessional. Just something you don't normally/ever tell people.
Anyway, you can email me your secret (I won't judge or give a rat's ass who is sending it to me, I'll never reveal who sent it to me, promise) and let me know how you want it to be signed (you can definitely go with anonymous). Then I'm going to put up all the secrets (including mine) on Sunday.
What do we think? I think we should give it a whirl - if I can get at least 3 secrets from people (but hopefully more) I'm going for it.