So Bub and I have now been through 5 years of not trying not preventing, and 3 years of trying... and by 3 years of trying I mean a few months to figure out that no, I don't ovulate; enough rounds of clomid to make homicide justifiable; several crazy-making months of 'taking a break' to quit caffeine, smokes, ambien, fatty foods (in short everything I love) and now one round of IVF with only one fertilized embryo that ended in a chemical pregnancy.
Every once in awhile, it crosses my mind that I may end up childless.
No, I don't really think I'll end up childless. And I can feel some of you thinking "shhhh... don't say that, you'll jinx yourself" like I've just shouted "Voldemort!" or "Beetlejuice!" or "Bloody Mary!" with reckless abandon.
At this point, I don't think my attitude or thoughts are going to change the outcome. Don't get me wrong - IVF round 2 I'm going to make sure I'm peachy and positive (because IVF is the thing that is supposed to, at least eventually, work, right?) but I've been positive in my thinking. I've been negative in my thinking. I've spent cycles begging G-d, mother nature, my ovaries, the lemon tree in my backyard, Oprah, the crazy woman at the bus stop with her giant bags of glitter, Buddha, Tom Cruise, etc. etc. etc., and I've spent cycles damning the same things. At this point I don't think letting the negative thoughts naturally slip in every once in awhile is going to tempt the fates in any way, I think it's just par for the course (eww. I think I just used my very first sports analogy). We're allowed to have these negative thoughts, it's natural. Much like my favorite game "if I make this green light, I'll get pregnant this month" it won't actually affect anything.
In the pit of my stomach, I don't think I'll end up childless even though the thought scares me every once in awhile ( much like Voldemort, Beetlejuice, Bloody Mary or Tom Cruise.) I also don't think I'll end up childless because every scenario I come up with for what my childless existence would look like is worse than the last.
Here's what I have so far:
- Become crazy snake lady. I don't like snakes, I prefer animals with fur. But I feel as though if you're going to be 'barren', permanently, you need a gimmick. Something to frighten the neighborhood children.
- Become Carrie Bradshaw. You know, sassy female writer who isn't barren but just too cool for kids. The only problem is I hate Carrie Bradshaw. I know that for saying those words the uterus police might pull up and take away my lady parts, but they don't seem to be doing me any favors, anyway. Seriously though - if you had a friend that was that high maintenance, and spouted out that. many. puns. C'mon. Nobody could handle that in real life.
- Dig a hole in Scotland and live in it. This was one of my best friend's go-to depression visuals. No idea why it was Scotland or why she wanted to live in a hole, but I'm borrowing it because it seems equally as livable a situation as me being childless would be. And at least there wouldn't be sounds coming from a playground in my backyard. Depending on where I dug the hole, of course.
- Go into debt traveling. There are a couple of women who are my 'facebook friends' who are always posting pictures of themselves wearing chunky jewelry, drinking a glass of wine in exotic locations. It makes one think "she isn't childless, she's just fabulous".
- Become the old man in "Up".
So yet again, ovaries, mother nature, G-d, lemon tree in my backyard, Oprah, crazy woman at the bus stop with her giant bags of glitter, Buddha and Tom Cruise, I petition thee. Give me a baby, please, because all other options are pitiful and not to pat myself on the back, but I believe myself to be crazy enough.