And Now Some Thoughts on Baby Names

Happy Friday the 13th, crazy ladies.  Let's try to get through it without wielding anything sharp (a constant battle)..

And now, some thoughts on naming children.

Requisite disclaimer:  If you have done any of the things I am about to make fun of, I am not talking about YOU.  YOU can pull it off.

Let me start out by saying that I am one of the ones, when given the opportunity to name a child (it will happen, damnit)  is in danger of  naming them something like "Moonshadow Goldilocks" or "Windex Chloroform".

I grew up with a horrendously average name.  First name Jennifer (I suspect if you had a girl in the 80s, the people filling out the birth certificate gave you the choice between naming your child Jennifer, or being struck with a tire iron).  My maiden name is also ridiculously common.  Try to write down 15 common last names, and you will have found my full maiden name. So I grew up with the sort of name where, at the doctor's, I had to give my full name, birth date, and social security number to be found.

Bub, on the other hand, has an unusual name.  His first name is pretty common, but he's German so the spelling is European.  His last name (and now mine) is ridonkulous. For once in my life, people have to ask me how to spell my name. It starts with an R and has a ludicrous number of vowels, so when people call me in the waiting room they have a tendency to bark for a few minutes "Rrrrrr... Rrrrrrrrow!" before hitting on something kinda close.  I.  LOVE.  THIS.  Even when I know they must be calling me I let them bark.

Bub is less amused.  We're very much alike - but Bub is way more comfortable blending in and staying quiet, and I am super uncomfortable doing either - I do not blend very well.  For these reasons, when we get to name a child, I suspect blood will be shed.  He will want to name our child, regardless of sex, "Bob", and I will push for, regardless of sex, "Skeeter Magoo".

So now, when my uterus is for certain empty, and I can be a bit rational, some thoughts on naming to think about, interwebs:

1. Names have multiple spellings, yes, but...  My name could have been spelled Gennifer -I would've had to have corrected people about it, but a totally livable situation.  I am full of gratitude, however, that my parents did not choose to spell it "Gynnifyurr".  I suspect people do things like that to make the name 'different', however if you go too far that just means a lifetime of people screwing up your paperwork.
2. Please don't choose a name because it spells something backwards.  It's silly and sometimes a bit creepy.  (Redrum anyone?)
3. When picking a name, try to think "if I knew a person in HS with this name, what would they have been like?".  I won't go into specifics, but there are a lot of girls' names in particular where there is just no way, despite my best efforts, she wouldn't grow into being a gigantic twat. 
4. Would this be the name of a stripper? Or worse, a dayshift stripper?
5. Consider if there's a nickname.   Am I a fan of Jennifer?  No.  I've always felt like a Jenny, and appreciate that there was that option.  I never could pull off the "fer" (makes me feel like I'm covered in fur.. Not to mention the only names similar to mine are Christopher and Lucifer).
6. Please don't name your child Jebediah.
7. Popular can be boring. If you like a name and it happens to be on the top 10 list of names right now - awesome sauce.  Just don't go picking a name because it's on the top 10 list.
8. Sometimes a rose doesn't smell as sweet. In America, names don't usually mean shit, really.  But if you like the sound of a word - Good Lord look it up.  (Fact - I know someone who was going to name their child 'Harley' but thought it was too short as is, so considered 'Harlot'). I had a baby doll when I was 7 that I named 'Militia' because I thought it sounded pretty.  Do not name your child like you are a 7 year old with a new doll.
9. Weird can be awful.  I love weird names that have meaning for the parents.  I get that you love Harry Potter (not as much as me, but fine).  Just consider that your child, at the age of 40, when you're old somewhere having made this decision long ago, will still have to introduce themselves at dinner parties as "Hogwarts".
10. Selby & Shelby.  Parents of twins - please think long and hard before choosing rhyming names.  Some of them are lovely, some are insane.  They're twins.  People should be able to put that together without naming them 'Booker & Hooker'.

Did I miss any?

With that all being said now, in a cool and hormone-free state, I will still probably end up naming my kid "Gumshoe Tiddlywinks".  Bub just may have to die first.

GIVE ME YOUR SECRETS.