Thursday, July 19, 2012

G-d is a Cat

Happy Thursday, Internet Infertiles!

This Sunday, the 22nd, I will have been married to Bubba the Magnificent for 6 years.

Six years ago Sunday, it was 20 bajillion degrees in southern CA, and our initially planned outdoor hippie-esque wedding was moved inside so as to not kill any old people. The air conditioning broke down.  He sweatily promised to bring me coffee when I wanted it, and I moistly told him I wouldn't bring any animals home without his consent.  Twas a very happy day full of love and overactive glands.

Perhaps I'll introduce him further in a future post, but to give you a taste - Bub is gorgeous ( I understand everyone's required to say this of their husband - but he is. Let's be facebook friends and you tell me you wouldn't do him).  He is a freakishly smart professional computer nerd who spends far too much time with his metal whore.  He puts up with me buzzing around him like a fly with ADD beautifully.  Nothing makes me happier than to make him smirk.

How am I going to celebrate?

I believe I will sport matching underwear, and for a day put away the ginormous cotton panties which have been gently hugging my uterus through this dark time.

I will also be eating at my favorite restaurant.  If you live in or plan on visiting L.A. - let's play! - you must eat at inn of the seventh ray.  It's amazeballs, USA.  It's deep in a canyon - you will drive in loopity loops in the middle of nowhere, thinking that the dark day has finally come where the internet has gained consciousness, turned against us, and Google Maps is in fact leading you to your death, possibly by a mountain lion, and then voila... Out emerges a beautiful restaurant with the best food I have ever eaten.  And I'm chubby, so my vote counts for two women.

I am also contemplating getting a hair cut.  My hair has been up for a month - I have naturally curly hair.  Not the "oh, what an amazing earth goddess - I bet the tides get their cue from her menstrual cycle" sort of curls, but the "oh good G-d that is some afro for a pale person" sort of curls.  Think Bellatrix Lestrange.

So yes folks, the Justin Timberlake Prophecy is coming to fruition - with the aid of a corset and a set of scissors, I will single-handedly bring sexy back.

So it's been six years, and minus this whole shitty reproductive stuff they've been happy years.

Did I imagine that we would have kids by now?  Yes.  Am I pissed about this?  Yes.  On the other hand, had someone said to me "you can marry Bubba and not have kids, or you can marry anyone else and have as many kids as you like" I would've picked Bub.  Wouldn't have blinked.

Plus, when I'm super pissed off about our baby woes, despite being a snarky agnostic I have a hard time fully believing that G-d/Mother nature, whatever, is some sort of great big giant cat.  You know, some days their love/awareness comes in the form of sitting in your lap and purring, others from gleefully digging their claws into your thigh.  Sometimes they're with you constantly, sometimes you don't see them for days.   Sometimes just to celebrate a Tuesday or because they've found a particularly good sunbeam they'll sleep for a week straight happily unconcerned with your activities.  Like there's no rhyme or reason, just a great big disappearing cheshire in charge of my uterus.

Sure shit seems to mostly be just totally random.  But there has to be some sort of... plan.  Right?  Right?!  Because my cat theory is starting to gain traction.  In the middle of trying to resolve my fertility issues G-d got distracted by a butterfly or ball of yarn and has since forgotten what He/She was supposed to be doing in the first place.

I regard religion in much the same way that I do marriage - if you have one, and you're happy about it, great.  For others it would be a fucking disaster.  I am happily married - it is psychotic how much I love my husband.  Sometimes just looking at him I want to gnaw his cheeks and drink his blood like he was my own personal juice box.  My love is hardcore. This does not mean everyone on the planet will be happily married simply because I am.

So I don't think marriage is for everyone, I just think it's healthy for people to have some kind of love in their life... even if it's just with music, a creepy doll collection or a snazzy kitten.

I don't think religion is for everyone, I just think it's healthy to have faith in something - Maybe it's G-d.  If you're an atheist, maybe it's yourself..  Maybe it's Santa Claus, a creepy doll collection or a creepy collection of Santa figurines.  Or if you're me, an agnostic gleefully without religion, maybe it's a non-committal "let's just hope shit works out", which hopefully isn't too naive providing that G-d/Mother Nature/Zeus is not, in fact, a giant cat.

People who tell me they know all about G-d, they know everything about love, they know everything about why my reproductive life is working out the way that it is, I consider it to be tabloid fodder.  Someone really excited about an idea, and hoping that you agreeing with them will help solidify their own beliefs. I don't trust anyone who says "I know everything".  The only appropriate answer, in my opinion, to any of the big questions including G-d, love, or the all-encompassing "why?" is "I'm figuring shit out".

For the record, I also don't trust people without freckles or moles.  I find them instantly suspicious.

Yes that is a picture of my cat wearing a bird hat.

You know what would be an excellent anniversary present, interwebs?

Sending me your secrets.  Secret Sunday is almost upon us.

So easy.
  1. Think of a secret of yours (something you once did, wanted to say, something gross, something you know about someone else, etc. etc.)
  2. Email it to me.
  3. Include how you want it to be signed (you can be anonymous)
  4. It all goes into Sunday's post, a virtual slumber party.

Give them to me.  Mokey, the obese cat in a bird hat, judges you.


  1. 1. Your cat is adorable.
    2. I've been trying to decide on a secret all week. I think it's fun what you're doing.
    3. I'm agnostic as well but I'm now considering putting my faith into a creepy doll collection.

    1. Give me a secret! I want. I need. Adorable cat wants and needs.

  2. I have lots of freckles. Trust me, trust me!
    I guess I would also consider myself agnostic. I was raised Catholic, but that faded away over the years. We got married in a Unitarian church where our local gay men's chorus rehearses, and the whole vibe just makes me so damn happy.
    I think the infertility thing has only reinforced my beliefs about religion, or lack thereof. Surely it wouldn't be G-d's plan for people who really seem to deserve babies & happiness to have so much trouble attaining it, while some of the most awful people I know can't stop popping them out. But what do I know.
    I do hope there is some sort of reason for it all. I think we will appreciate it SO much more, when we do get it. Our kids will be smothered in love (in a good way!), when they finally show up. Maybe that's the silver lining?

    1. Agreed - our kids will be SUPER loved. I'm slightly fearful that if I have a son no woman will ever be good enough for him and I don't even care.

      We're twins! I'm an agnostic, originally a catholic, and if I had gotten married in a church I would've gone Unitarian. (As it is if I'm on my death bed I want some fabulous lesbian unitarian pastor to do my rites).

      And agreed - that's the thing that's keeping me quite agnostic is the idea that awesome people have this problem, and the people who tend to have the most kids.. Well, I fear the world is being populated with morons (with exceptions, of course of course.. I mainly speak of the Duggar-esque).

    2. We're coming out of the woodworks! I was also raised Catholic (did you guys go to church everyday during Easter???) I'm not sure what I am now. I'd like to create my own religion where we can meet in a dirt field, count our blessings, sing kumbyah, and then go our separate ways. No one gets paid, no donations collected, no judgemental ladies keeping tabs of attendance, etc. Want to join?

      Your kids WILL be super loved. After years of struggling, I thank my lucky stars everyday for my babes, and I literally want to spend every minute I have with them. I'm rooting for you, and your awesomeness, to continue populating this planet.

    3. Thank you for the rooting! I need people WILLING me to get pregnant, damnit.

      I will join your dirt religion. Let's start a cult.

  3. Happy anniversary... have fun :)) xoxo

  4. Happy anniversary yo. I have both freckles and moles and I promise to send you a secret as a present.

  5. Aaah...My cat probably thinks she is god. New to your blog, LOVE the snark. Happy anniversary, Bubba sounds like quite the dish!

    1. Heyyyy there new friend! Your cat is G-d.

  6. Can you be an atheist with pagan tendencies? That's what I am. I don't really believe in anything but I like the idea that the sun and the sea and the trees are spiritual and important.

    I do, however, have a stellar star system of moles, plus one huge one on my right butt cheek (ah, damn it, I should have saved that one for secret Sunday!) This is why I stay well out of the direct sun at all times and use factor 1 million.

    1. Oh, and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! Mine is next weekend.

    2. Happy early anniversary to you, my nudity guru!

      I, too, like the idea that the sun and the sea and the trees are spiritually important. Even though I also have to wear SPF 10,000 and detest bugs with the fire of a thousand suns, I think the closest thing to 'church' I've felt is outside.

  7. Happy Anniversary! (a few days early) I hope you have a really great weekend.

    Also - my cats would never wear hats. Once I dressed them up for Halloween and they pretended they were dead. Apparently once you have clothes on, you can no longer walk. Or maybe they were just too embarrassed.

    1. I, too, shy away from dressing animals. OK, OK, at Christmas I put antlers on my dogs.

      But imagine the gloriousness of going into a petco, being unaware that cat clothes even EXIST, and there, shoved amongst the food is one inexplicable tiny bird hat. BEST. DAY. EVER.

  8. Happy anniversary! You're cat is adorable! And I am trying hard to think of a secret for you this Sunday!

  9. PS sorry for the innapropriate spelling of the word "youre ". My grammar sucks

    1. You corrected yourself and you therefor get POINTS.

      Give me a secret. My anniversary will be sad without it.

  10. Happy Anniversary!!! I hope you guys have a fabulous time!
    Aw I love your kitty :-) I have 3, and kitties are the best!
    LOL, I like your 'God is a cat' analogy! It certainly feels like that sometimes! I'm spiritual, but not overly religious. I hate when people get all preachy and judgey and push their religion on others. It seems to happen a lot in organized religion! But there are good, loving people out there...and that's the important part :-)
    I hope your gorgeous self and hot husband can make some beautiful babies very soon!! :-D

  11. Happy Anniversary!! I don't facebook but I'm sure if I did Bub would be my only friend and I would stare at him everyday! I guess I might also be friends with lays potato chips.

    I know everything about everything, except freckles and moles because I don't have any of those!

    I also believe in trees and dirt and the sun of course and consult them often.

    1. You are without moles or freckles?! Surely you have a birthmark.. a scar? something?

  12. I know this is a super old post but I had to comment because I stumbled across your blog while taking a break from my tww buddies. I've started reading from the beginning and I feel we are kindred spirits. I have no religion and I find a lot of the ttc blogs out there just have too much of a spiritual undertone, to put it delicately (which I know is not your style but I'm Canadian, it's in my DNA.). So I will gladly come here and worship you. And your cat. I've just started the part of my journey that involves an RE and my lady parts being prodded as well as multiple vials of my blood bing taken so I'm out there trying to figure this process out! Cheers to you and your fabulous blog!