Monday, July 23, 2012

Dear Baby... Also, I put out for Steak.

Monday is upon us yet again, my little rays of light.

As we speak I am in my backyard being attacked by flies like a giant piece of dooky. I hope your Monday is fairing better.

If you are here from ICLW - hidy ho from your new dooky-like blog friend!  By all means just keep reading along, but if you by chance would prefer a little direction, I made this super fancy tab for you over here.

Thank you for all the happy anniversary wishes!  The house of Stupid feels loved.  We celebrated yesterday by eating a meal so delicious, to acquire it I may or may not have made a deal with the devil  and have since been magicked into not remembering.  It's the one day a year I can demand a steak before I put out.

If you are in, around or ever plan on visiting L.A., you have to eat at Inn of the Seventh Ray.  I inhaled this little number is less than five minutes:





According to the menu, it is:"Charcoal Crust Filet Mignon, Creekstone Farms Natural Angus Beef. Watercress, Baby Leeks and Carrots, Balsamic Onion, Black Garlic, Potato Foam".  In short, amazeballs.


Anyhoo.


As infertiles, I'm sure we all have our favorite running loop of infertile thoughts that goes round & round in our heads whether we like them to or not.  Lately, for some reason, I've been thinking about things that I won't do once I'm a Mom.  (I already talked about what I won't do to other Moms). My Mom was fantastico - all that is screwed up about me came from outside sources - but in watching what some other people have had to go through/are putting their kids through... Holy bejeeze.  So in the spirit of unloading some of my will's and won'ts:




Dear Future Baby,
I've heard that it's not such a good idea to bribe children, or babies, or really anybody for that matter.  It has occurred to me, however, that maybe you're out there in the ether having trouble taking the big leap into humanity because you're wondering "alright, but what are they going to do once they have me?  I mean really?"


So I'm going to list out some promises I can make upfront for your review.  Oh, and please try and check your mail every once in awhile because there are a lot more than what I'm about to list, but I don't want to turn you off by making you think you'll have an overly verbose Mother.


  1. Given the obstacle course of flaming hoops and hurdles your Dad and I are going through to get you (clearly you are gifted in the pain in the ass department, already I can see us in you) I can say with total confidence that of all the ways we can screw you up, making you feel unloved - for even a second of your life - will not be one of them.
  2. I'm going to try my best to give you little to no ammo to unleash on your therapist as an adult.  I will not make you feel guilty for my own pleasure, I'll keep showing off your baby pictures to your teenage friends to a bare minimum, and I will never yell at you in a public bathroom about why you're taking so long.
  3. I will have to insist on please and thank you's.  I will never make you think that your words don't mean anything because you're a child, but I'm afraid treating people with kindness and respect until they give you a reason to treat them otherwise is a big thing in this house. Though we are all for judging them silently and/or behind their backs.
  4. Chances are, given your genetics, you're going to be a little weird. If you grow up and decide that you want to photograph road kill for a living, I will tell you to go out and be the best road kill photographer there is (and maybe think about getting a part time job just to support yourself while the road kill field is waiting for the respect it deserves).
  5. Should you end up with some dormant 'normal' or 'practical' genes of ours or just decide it's your way to rebel,  I will be wildly supportive if you grow up longing to be an accountant.  Work those khakis.
  6. Also under the heading of dormant genetics - if you are really into sports, your Dad and I will go to your games, and be loud when you're young and try to blend in when you're a teenager.  We will, I'm afraid, need you to explain games to us and have to designate someone in the crowd who's cheering for the same team to follow along with, but we will be there.  Be patient with us, it will be awhile before you can throw a ball at us and have us do anything other than duck.
  7. If what you love is music, dance, writing, theatre, film, art - we'll try to give our opinions only when you ask for them.
  8. If you one day tell me that you're gay, my response will be "I don't give a shit".  I'm sure we will have had suspicions before you tell us, and therefor I'll have time to buy some book that will give me a more motherly way of saying it - but the jist will be "I don't give a shit".  If you are my lovely lesbian daughter I'll let you build us an extra room and if you're my lovely gay son I'll let you decorate it.  The only worry you'll have in this regard is being embarrassed by your middle aged mother bedazzled in glitter and feathers, loudly marching in the parade behind you.
  9. That being said, don't marry anyone that is going to drive me crazy.  Not that you have to get married (I will never pressure you about that or having babies) but if you're in a long term relationship with someone.. I don't care if they're male, female, or a ridiculously well dressed tranny, as long as they're super loving with you and will spend their lives continuing the then longstanding tradition of rule number 1 - never letting you go a second without feeling loved.
  10. I will try every day to make your life fun.  Sure, sometimes there is shit that we have to do that kind of sucks (did I forget to mention I also won't lie to you?) but I'm going to do my very best to instill humor in you.  There are very few situations you can't find the ridiculous or funny in, and that makes the occasionally shitty things you have to do so much easier.  I promise I will try to keep you laughing.

So that's part of my opening offer for your review.  And while I will ban this phrase from any bathroom behavior, in this particular instance, please hurry up.


Love,
Mom.  Jenny.  Mom.




In other news:


A reader pointed me in the direction of this here facebook page.  It's for "Still Project" a documentary about pregnancy and infant loss.  Go check it out.  (And PS, if there's ever something you want me to mention in here that may be of interest to our sisters in shittiness, shoot me an email).


Just found out yesterday my super-duper-fantastico 16 year old sister in law is coming out for 3 weeks on Monday.  I am thrilled.  This will be an awesome ovarian distraction.

We have an oddly grown up relationship, and at this point even though she lives in D.C. and I in L.A., we talk every few days at least.  I met her when she was 8, and thought 'if this relationship with Bub goes as planned, most of my relationship with her is going to be as two adults'.  And so (and she would attest to this) I skipped the whole talking to her like she was a kid thing and was generally my inappropriate self around her, and let her divulge secrets to me without taking any sort of "I am an adult" stance.  So, now we're friends.  My evil plan worked.  Now it's just a matter of thinking up an alias for her in here... Thought "Lady Bubba" but then figured maybe it would come across as Bub in drag.

29 comments:

  1. You truly know how to bring a smile to my face....with any topic. I love the letter to your baby....now just write one to your uterus and tell it to get this boat cruising.....time to take on a passenger already!


    Glad you had a happy anniversary dinner....

    Can't wait to hear about the sister in law and her visit....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my stupid uterus. I have many words for my stupid uterus, all comprised of four letters.

      Delete
  2. Thank you, thank you for including the STILL Project in your blog. One special lady friend of mine lost her son last year so I am helping her spread this project to as many people as I can.

    I plan on having a straw hat & pair of giant overalls in my wardrobe in case I end up with a child that needs a good embarrassing. Hopefully, my parenting will be so awesome I won't have to. And happy belated anniversary!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. De nada, chica.

      Believe me, with my mouth I will probably accidentally embarrass my kid on a daily basis. I wonder sometimes how Bub will respond if we spawn a child that also has my mouth...

      Delete
  3. Just wanted to say that I LOVE your blog! I found it while looking at (stalking) tww and enjoy the sarcastic and honest style of your writing!

    Allison

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yess... yesssss.... I LOVE a stalker!

      Gracias chiquita banana. Please stick around. Me likey infertile friends.

      Delete
  4. Happy belated anniversary! Ok, I have to ask, just what is that dish pictured? Do I see slices of (peeled) radish? Probably not, but please tell!!

    ICLW #27

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey there ICLW lady!

      I cannot BELIEVE I forgot to label it.. Rectifying this immediately. Let me look up the menu description...

      "Charcoal Crust Filet Mignon
      Creekstone Farms Natural Angus Beef. Watercress, Baby Leeks and Carrots, Balsamic Onion, Black Garlic,
      Potato Foam"

      I die.

      Delete
  5. Thanks for stopping by my blog! And also, I love the phrase "sisters in shittiness"!!!! Kindred spirits for sure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tis true. Cannot think of a better description.

      Delete
  6. Thanks for the support yo. It's hard, this slowly going crazy shit.
    And good to know you put out for steak. I love a good hunk o meat myself. Someday we will get together, get our hair cornrowed and eat.
    I am totally living the "what I won't do as a mom" thing right now with the nieces. I love my SIL but geese-uz. These kids are starving for a lot of things. Like schedules. And attention. And healthy foods eaten at the dinner table.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Waiting is the shittiest. The. Shittiest. You're not out until you're out, though. I'm telling you - the people with the super early BFPs are just coincidentally hallucinating a few days before they get their actual BFP.

      We will be the most well prepared-Moms ever. Despite the cornrows and bellies full of meat.

      Delete
  7. I f**k for filet should be a bumper sticker. We are going to our favorite place this weekend and they have the most incredible prosciutto wrapped filet. I'll try to take a pic before I inhale. No promises though!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DO it! Take a pic and make us JEALOUS.

      Delete
  8. How about 'Bubette'? or 'Bubella'?

    Once again, I agree with every word in this post. Sometimes I think you have my brain. Or we are two halves of the same brain, or something. My little sister is gay and my parents had that exact reaction. They totally embraced it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your parents are AWESOME.

      Ha! Bubba occasionally calls me Bubette. I'm digging on Bubella.

      We DO share a brain! Perhaps we were also allotted only one uterus and this is where our problem lies.

      Delete
  9. What a fab letter to your future baby out in the ether! I hope s/he reads it soon! I particularly loved the glitter and feathers in the parade bit ha ha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If the situation calls for it I plan on being, by far, the most embarrassing Mother in the history of gay pride parades. Which is a challenge.

      Delete
  10. Those are a lot of promises, but ones I can get behind. "Work those khakis" Ha!

    I hope you have a fantastic time with your SIL, she sounds great and I can wait to hear about your adventures.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gracias! I'm excited to get to do touristy things.

      I realize most people are too cool for touristy things, not I. I will happily wear a "hooray for Hollywood" shirt and buy some sort of foam top hat.

      Delete
  11. I love the letter to baby...so cute, but relevant! Yay for SIL visit! I love distractions during this super shitty time. It definitely helps to dull the pain. Hope you have a blast!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I SO need a distraction. Running around with a 16 year old is exactly what I need. Provided she's not pregnant, in which case I'll be in jail for murder. Write me, please.

      Delete
  12. I love the letter to your baby. That is perfect. And I too have wondered if Future Baby is waiting around wondering what is in it for him/her.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Fun house! That's what I want - I think of these "what I want to teach my kids" things all the time - like how to be a defensive driver - in LA or DC, you need it ;-).

    Crafty and fun - and musical - I will love them if they become accountants, but I won't be able to help them study for those tests! ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Having thumped on your belly with my hands personally, I can say with all authority I don't believe it capable of producing an accountant.

      I do believe it capable of producing a cartoon-like rodent, however.

      Delete