Monday, July 16, 2012

Moms on Moms. (And not in the porn way).

Happy Monday, Goddesses of Infertility.

Did you miss the secrets?  If so, they're here.  Go check them out.  Don't be such a chicken next time.  My obese cat judges you.

So, I was sitting here sifting through the bajillions of things I want to write about in here, and  I started thinking about stuff I don't want to do once this child out there in the ether (who I am considering naming Pita for Pain In The Ass) decides to grace us with their presence.

You know, stuff I won't do to the baby, to Bubba the Magnificent, to the people of Infertile (my homeland) and to other Moms.

Mom on Mom bitchiness is rampant, my friends.

I  use Fertilebook to occasionally say something ridiculous, make myself jealous of other people's travels,  to make sure the guy I lost my virginity to is still making himself look like an asshole, and to occasionally partake in some emotional-cutting by looking at people's family/pregnancy photos.

Before I discovered the glorious unsubscribe button, I got to silently witness a lot of Mom behaviors as a fairly impartial, childless observer.

And they can be some real assholes.

Everyone is trying to out-Mom the next woman, every question, comment and answer has a hint (or a giant billboard) of competition in it.

Do you breastfeed?  Well how long are you going to breastfeed?  I would never use drugs during birth.  Oh, I didn't have any postpartum depression, I just rid myself of it with exercise. You really don't have to gain more than 10 lbs with a pregnancy, did you know that? 

And does everyone remember this little number when it came out a few months ago?


The people now banished from my newsfeed went apeshit.  "That is disgusting!"  "I will breastfeed my son until he is 50!"  etc. etc. etc. (Honestly, the only way this photo would have made me that hysterical is if they had photoshopped out the chair).

Admittedly, a few years ago I harbored different ideas about birth/breastfeeding than I do now, and G-d only knows what I'll think about it when the time comes.

When I wasn't deep in the trenches of TTC, I watched this movie about birth that Ricky Lake produced called "The Business of Being Born". (I'd prefer watching Ricky Lake in Hairspray any day of the week, but it's a good documentary - go check it out, but warning: lots of stuff coming out of people's vaginas.  And Ricky Lake's nipples).

I watched it and was instantly suspicious of hospital births. I would give birth at home, in a tub, with Enya playing in the background and perhaps a few ethereal braids in my hair.  Ricky Lake had shone a light on my vagina.

Now that a baby is closer to reality (not a whole lot, but closer),  I am over the tub and on dried land.  I'm over the idea of going in determined not to have drugs.  I have a high pain tolerance, but you know what - I've had kidney stones before and in the middle of said kidney stones had they told me that drugs would've resulted in me possibly growing a third arm, I would've taken the drugs.  In the "painful shit my Mom is willing to do for me" department, my kid is already rich. And let's face it, after 9 months in my uterus the kid could probably use a tranquilizer.

In short, as of this moment, my feelings on birth and drugs can best be described by Amy Poehler:



The idea of breastfeeding used to gross me out.  I'm adopted and therefor wasn't breastfed, and I thoroughly enjoy not having to think about my Mom having breastfed me.  And I turned out fine (okay a little weird, but overall, fine. I do enjoy looking at women's boobs, but it's completely unrelated, I swear.)

And now I think I'll do it.  Breast milk apparently has the good shit in there, after all.

But am I going to go shouting at people that choose not to do it?  No.  Am I going to make people who can't do it feel guilty?  No.  Am I going to yank my kid out of algebra class to continue doing it, and perhaps chew up my food & spit it into his mouth A-la-Alicia Silverstone to bring us closer together?  No.  Am I going to judge people who do?  N... Okay well I will at least oggle.

My point is, I reserve the right to change my mind about what I'm going to do or what I won't do at any time, and the whole "I'm a bigger and better Mom than you are" thing is getting.. silly.  It's funny to watch, but it's also sort of.. sad.

If you're on your 1st kid, there's stuff about parenting you don't know.  If you're on your 3rd kid, there's stuff you don't know.  If you're on your 17th, there's shit you don't know (because let's face it, just figuring out how to work a condom was clearly a challenge for you).

If a kid's breastfed, not breastfed, born with a happily sober or slightly stoned Mom, I'm not really worried about them.  I am worried about the kids who have Mom's that think they know everything, are uninterested in learning about or considering any other way, and are taking the time to shout about it on the internet.




Anyhoo.

Anyone watch American Ninja Warrior?

In my defense, I have been a woman desperate to watch anything unrelated to family.  And watching people attempt to run across a crazy-ass obstacle course is about as emotionally vapid as it gets.  PLUS it's hosted by this guy who has exactly one facial expression.  What is the facial expression?  It is "I am the love product of Tom Cruise and a Beaver, I was born with brain damage as a result of this taboo procreation, and yet I'm really quite happy about it".


I'm told he's an olympic skier.  Now, since we know beavers can be quite aquatic, do we think his Mom had a water birth?







28 comments:

  1. Once again I agree with pretty much everything said in this post, great minds think alike, hey? Or is it fools seldom differ?

    I too am searching for tv that doesn't make me want to sob and hide in a corner. At the moment my program of choice is the search for the new UK Jesus.

    As in the musical, not the actual messiah.

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    1. I just read your tag line by the way. Ha ha ha. I think I may have been assigned the stork from Dumbo. I have to give him a break though, he is over 70 years old by now.

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    2. I was so freaking excited and ready to book my ticket to UK just for the television and then you said it was for a musical, not the messiah.

      The Q&A's and swimsuit bits of the messiah edition is enough to get me to swim to you.

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  2. This is sort of funny, because I just blogged about other people's parents! But, I completely agree with you on this one. I breastfed both my kids and I tell you what, it's no walk in the park. Promotors of breastfeeding will say, "but it's so much more convenient, you don't need to make a bottle!" (Which takes all of 3 minutes, by the way, and can be done by someone other than your sleep deprived self!) And don't get me started on breastfeeding in public!!! Not convenient! Whenever someone asks me if I chose to breastfeed I say, "yes, I did, but I don't judge anyone for choosing formula. There are benefits to both!" And if you want to breastfeed until your child is 17, that's your prerogative, weirdo! ;)

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    1. Yeah, I genuinely don't understand how we can get all up in arms (rightfully so) when other people try to climb up into our uteruses and give opinions, but we're so quick to give opinions on other people's boobs & lady bits because we have them. Mind your own boobs!

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  3. Agreed times one zillion. People get weirdly competitive about being moms and I find it, at best, bizarre and at worst, disturbing. I had a couple of friends who popped out their first babies at the same time and there was always this power struggle about who was doing better.

    Maybe I'm naive, I'm certainly inexperienced, but from what I can tell as long as you love your kid and care for their basic physical and emotional needs, you're doing okay. And it's okay to be different. Let's all calm down and step away from the Time magazine cover of madness. Stupid cover. The LAST thing that the community of moms needed.

    My Mom always tells me (and I mean ALWAYS, though I like this story) about how she was so scared and nervous taking my oldest sibling home with her, worrying over if she was going to do everything "right" and this nurse stopped her fretting with, "Honey, when that baby's hungry, you feed him. When he's tired, you let him sleep. When he's dirty, you change his diaper. You're going to be fine." And that was all she needed. It's her favorite advice for new moms and I love it.

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    1. I LOVE that advice. Amazeballs.

      Agreed. I don't even have a child yet and I feel like that woman is judging me. It's hard to give the air that you're hopped up on a pedestal when someone is literally using one to feed off of you, but somehow she manages it.

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  4. Haha! Freaking Fertilebook. It's so true. Most days I sign on, see a sono or a pregnancy announcement, think to myself, "wait, didn't they JUST get married?", and then scream expletives at my computer.

    Speaking of mean moms, I just witnessed it today over a cute picture of a friend's baby in his car seat. The comments quickly shifted from "awwws" to an argument between several know-it-all mothers over whether or not the kid was old enough/heavy enough to be facing forward in his car seat. Like, really? Go take care of your own kids.

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    1. I've seen that argument too!

      I mean, he's not strapped to the roof or driving the damn thing, unless there's some equally glaring error I don't see why so many people chime in...

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  5. Fertilebook! Love (and hate) it! 2 videos of babies are at the top of my newsfeed as we speak.

    I too sometimes participate in the emotional cutting you speak of, also by reading the celebrity baby bloggers on People. Those articles are usually very sweet, about the joys and challenges of pregnancy and motherhood, but people can be so mean and judgmental in the comments. It's quite sad and astonishing. We should all be more supportive.

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    1. Oh, love, unsubscribe! I'm telling you, it's liberating! I can still stalk them if I want, but I at least have to pause and say "okay Jenny, now do we really want to see this today?" instead of being sonogram raped every time I log on.

      Oh dear Lord I am unfamiliar with the baby bloggers on people... Next time I'm up for emotional cutting... ;)

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  6. What a great topic! It is disgusting how women can be to one another especially in telling another mom how to care for her child. Even though I don't have a child, I would never tell another person how to raise their child (unless it was extreme and it was considered abuse, as I am a mandated reporter), but I'm talking about the other catty stuff like what stroller, toys, etc. is "better" for the baby. I watch my friends interact with their children and of course I would do MANY things differently, but it's not my place to say anything. I am very much looking forward to the time when we have our baby and get to make our own parenting choices....and of course getting to tell off mom's who try to tell me how to raise my child ;)

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    1. Yeah - one tiny sliver of awesome comes as a result of it taking for-friggin-ever to get pregnant... Get to watch these women, watch the ridiculousness, and therefor see before your in the thicket of it what. not. to. do.

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  7. After IVF, whats the point of a "natural birth" anyway. There is nothing natural in the way the child was conceived, so, yeah. I'm not sure if I ever got pregnant if I'd go medicated or not, but this process has taught me that fate loves nothing more than to shit over all the plans I make so I'm going to skip the birth plan and see how things unfold.

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    1. Could not agree more! Let's see how things unfold.. I've already done a lot of crap to my body (courtesy o' that twat, fate).

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  8. I think it is great that so many women are thinking about these things and trying to do what is best. The thing I want to know is how so many of them can be sure before they are in the situation? I mean I want to go into childbirth (I could stop that statement there) with an open mind and a trust in my ability to make decisions in the moment. I don't want to promise the world that I will not use pain killers for a pain I am unfamiliar with just like I don't want to be put on an IV at 38 weeks to avoid the pain before it begins. I think that goes for all of parenting and life in general, I don't know how I will act in any given situation until I am in it. But I do know that I live from a place of integrity and morals and will try to make my decisions in the moment from that place.

    I love Jonny Mosely! Although the mix you suggest does seem accurate...

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    1. That's exactly how I feel about it.. ESPECIALLY if it's your first kid, even if I was determined to do it natural I would probably keep my mouth shut because how could I know?

      I mean, with just a friggin kidney stone, before I ever had one if someone said "could you pass a tiny stone without any pain medication?" I'd be like "hell yeah I can do that shit..I'm super woman".

      NOPE.

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  9. I agree... we should be able to do what we want, change our mind, talk with others... without others opinions being critical and elite-ist. Mums know what's best for their own little ones... not someone else :) Love always xoxo

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    1. That's what really bums me out - not that people have opinions or go seeking them, but the way it seems to be used to pat yourself on the back.. Vomit.

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  10. That unsubscribe button is the fucking shit. Without it I would have murdered a few friends.
    Also, whenever American Ninja Warrior is on I sit and watch like it's my job.

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    1. Umm, I am so sad that you live so far away. I have mastered - MASTERED - the art of figuring out who is going to make it across the course. If I could figure out how to gamble on this I would be able to pay for my next IVF, courtesy of American Ninja Warrior.

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  11. I don't have cable but American Ninja Warrior sounds awesome. It sounds like Wipeout but with less silliness and pies.

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  12. Bravo! What a great topic! I see arguments on this alllll the time! I am supportive of how anyone wants to have a baby, whether that be in a hospital or on a mountain somewhere in the middle of a drum circle. :-) Whatever floats your boat. I'm pretty neutral about it all. Breastfeeding, too. I know women who feel really terrible for not doing it, or not doing it long enough. I don't think I would have any solid ideas until I get closer to having a child...or maybe if I had a 2nd child.

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    1. All I have so far is the desire to find someplace that has a drum circle/hospital combo kind of thing going for it. with drugs.

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  13. Lol, my husband and I watch American Ninja Warrior. He pointed out that that guy looks like the love child of Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman. Frickin weird since they were in a movie together lol. I can't even look at him without terrible terrible mental images coming to mind.

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    1. If Dustin Hoffman were a beaver, I wholeheartedly agree with your husband.

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