Saturday, July 21, 2012

Secret Sunday: Episode 2

Good Day, my little Humpty Dumpties.

If you have wandered here from ICLW - you have arrived in time for a virtual share fest of disgusting secrets.  By all means, read on (and join us next week!) but in the event you would like to kick off our friendship with something other than who I've shown my boobs to or my bloggy friends' brilliant solution to anal sex, I have made this tab over here just for you to point you in the direction of different posts.

I am approaching Day 2 of ICLW and I don't think I have gotten a related comment. Why, ICLW? I am delightful, damnit!


It is a tad early this week as I am putting this together Saturday night (if you missed Silly Saturday - it is here.)  Nonetheless, line up for the confessional and pray for an impotent priest, it's Secret Sunday.

I'll start us off.

My husband let a family of five see my boobs.

We were married 6 years ago, this very Secret Sunday.  Two days after the wedding, we went on our honeymoon to beautiful Kauai, Hawaii.  We stayed at a lovely condo-like resort and did it every which way you can imagine (and on a beach in the rain, no less).

Weeks before we had bought a book about all the things to see on Kauai.  We rented a banana yellow jeep to navigate the island, and a few days into our trip we headed for one of the go-to places, Secret Beach.

To get to Secret Beach, you take some windy roads to a very small parking lot.  Obviously since it's being written about in books, it's not so secret...But to get there you have to hike a good 15-20 minutes downhill on a fairly unmarked path through a forest, and since you're unable to see the actual beach before you arrive there, you have to have faith it'll be worth the hike back up.  Considering this is a small island we're talking about and therefor surrounded in beaches, you have to be seriously jonesing for some privacy to commit.

When we arrived in the parking lot I was wearing just a sundress - not exactly hiking clothes and definitely not a swimsuit.  I did, however, have a change of clothes.  We also had a ton of towels in the car, and since we were so secluded, I just used them to improvise a changing room.  Our car was pulled up right against the forest - front bumper to woods.  I had just enough towels to cover the back and side windows, and figured the front window would be safe.  Bubba would stand guard outside to alert me to intruders.

Something to know about Bub:  he does not speak up.

A family of five - two parents, two teenage boys and a kid, came hiking up out of the forest.  Then for some G-dforsaken reason, instead of walking in the spacious enough parking lot behind me, they tripped through the awkward space in front of my car practically leaning on the hood.  Bub, apparently, just stood and watched unsure of what to say.

As they do this, I am topless.  We all freeze.  Time loses all meaning.  I have enough time to not only make eye contact with each of them, but to see fully into their souls.  If they had immediately met a sketch artist, they could have described all freckles and moles in their precise measurements and color.

Yes, folks, on my honeymoon five people aside from my husband saw me naked.  And he didn't even have the sense to charge.

And now, the delicious secrets of others:

From an Anonymouse:
When I was in high school, I had a Latin teacher that seemed to like putting hands on or arms around girls while walking around the class. No one ever seemed too concerned until one day I found out he had an affair with one of my friends. To this day everyone still wonders while I grunt every time his name is mentioned.

From an Anonymoose:
I had a friend in college who used to have a thing for masturbating with strange things.  She only told me about it because she had tried masturbating with an old fashioned coke bottle, and it didn't have it's cap on, so somehow from suction it got stuck.  I had to take her to the er so they could carefully break it/get it out.

From Kate at Infertile Firstmom:
When I was 14 and my dear sister (now my best friend) was 18, in a
moment of sheer angsty teenaged jealousy (I guess, I don't really
remember my motives), I threw a FULLY LOADED hotdog at her 2 minutes
before she was to leave the house for her Baccalaureate service.
For those not familiar with this particular milestone in the parochial
school system, the Baccalaureate is a religious service held on the
Sunday before high school commencement day... a pretty big day for
graduating seniors.

Oh, and (fancy new) white dresses are required for all the girls.

So yeah. It was messy. She still brings it up to this day.

From Erinvns:
I dressed my beagle as a dragon last Halloween and it was a Martha stewart costume and im not ashamed! She went trick or treating with my 2 year old nephew (also a dragon) and I thought she was cuter.

From an Anonysquirrel:
I learned about cervical mucus not because of TTC but because of the shot.  I was on it in my early twenties, and it was supposed to stop bleeding altogether but instead I just bled with no warning, whenever.  And when balls of mucus started coming out sometimes, I asked my doctor about it and she explained that it was cervical mucus.  So the first time I slept with a new guy, I was rolling over to get on top of him, and a GIANT bloody ball of cervical mucus came out and fell on his stomach.  Needless to say, he flipped out.  A few weeks later he stopped calling and I always wondered if it was because of CM.

From the Anal Hooker:
I am somewhat of an anal sex hooker. Purely for my husband of course. Allow me to explain. I hate anal sex, he loves it. I have since realized that I can barter rear-loving to get things I want. It started with a half hour foot massage as payment for any anal action and has since progressed to much bigger and better things. I’ve had him clean out our “junk room”, re-organise the garage, come to parties and family functions I know he will hate and much much more. I continue to whinge and carry on about how much I hate it because I know he will keep doing more stuff to get it. Sometimes if I want something really bad I will even think “I know how I can get this…….”

From EmHart:
The naughtiest place I ever had *whisper it* S. E. X. was in the props warehouse when I was at drama school. I was having a wild fling with my leading man, as you do, and we just snuck off there one day because we couldn't contain ourselves any longer. We had just rehearsed a particularly emotionally charged scene from 'Measure for Measure' and I think we were supposed to be going on to a jazz class or some other arty farty drivel. Sod that, we thought, and instead we went and made, to quote the bard, 'the beast with two backs' on a dusty old chaise long behind a collection of six foot lolly-pops and a fake fireplace, with a large donkey mask from 'the Dream' looking down on us. Man, drama school was fun. Do you ever wish you could go on holiday to a moment from your past? I would go there. I am still friends with him actually and he came to my wedding, so not all mad flings end in disaster. 

From lo:
I shave my face sometimes.
(I am a fuzzy person.)

Oh so many important lessons to be learned in the Church of Secrets.  Oh. So. Many.

If you are instantly regretting chickening out this week or you have stumbled across this for the first time, I have made a lovely little tab just for Secret Sunday.

Do we have a favorite?


  1. I love your Secret Sundays! Next week I'll try to get something e-mailed in before the deadline.

    I can totally commiserate with a few of these secrets. Lo: I haven't SHAVED my face but I've recently required some bleaching and trimming (see blog post entitled "Mustache Update" on my blog). Also, Kate: I broke my brother's arm back in 7th grade... he hasn't let me forget it either, although I guess it's a little more serious than a hot dog :)

    1. You get your secret in! You know you want to.

      And I, too, have to bust out tweezers. "You cannot bear a child, but as a lovely parting gift - here's a small beard". Thank you, PCOS!

  2. Dammit I meant to submit one but went biking all day with hubs! happy iclw AND six year anniversary! x

    1. C'mon.. Does your health and good times REALLY have to take a backseat to my secrets? Priorities, damnit!

      And thank you for the lovely wishes. ;)

  3. Ahh! LOL! Oh man, yours was a good one Jenny! EEK!
    I was laughing pretty hard about the coke bottle stuck in the girl's vag! I can't imagine explaining that one to the ER doc!
    Way to go Em! That sounds pretty hot ;-)
    Love this! I promise I will come up with something soon. :-D


    1. I keep trying to imagine how they got the bottle out of the vag... It makes me go crosseyed.

  4. I've been to Secret Beach! I did the hike in flip flops. Not the best idea. I bet that was the best part of the family vacation for those teenage boys.

    Happy anniversary!

    1. I also got to do it on said beach behind some rocks, and was possibly seen by an old man.

      I soooo want to go back.

      Gracias, chiquita!

  5. Far too many people have accidentally seen my nips, which makes me wish I had some super power to erase images from other poeple's brains...Wooopsies! You weren't suppse to see that!

    1. Mine, apparently, are made out of some sort of sharp metal because inevitably my PJ tanks have holes on or near the nips. oh for shame.

    2. *suppose. I do not excel at touch-pad typing. Here's my Sunday secret: back in the day, you know, when I was a bad-ass...I had both my nipples pierced!!!

  6. OMG I love Secret Sunday.

  7. Hi from the ICLW. It's interesting to start my visit to your blog with this post. Hope to follow more of your journey and hopefully get "involved".

    1. Howdy, new bloggy friend! Yes. Get involved, get. involved.

  8. Ha - I like Kate's because it makes me think of the fact that I still give my brother crap about giving me a scar when we were kids. He got angry and threw a bocce ball at my head.

    1. Am I the only one who hasn't maimed a sibling? Is it too late to do this?

  9. These are great! Way to go Em! Your's is good too Jenny! I want to know if that family relives that tale every year around the Christmas feast or if they have never spoken of it since.

    1. OMG I'm hoping they forget. So hoping.

    2. If I start bringing out all the old drama stories I am going to get myself a reputation!

  10. Hahaha just started following your blog!!!! We also went to Kauaii for our honeymoon...what an awesome place although you seem to have had much more memorable things happen over there then us! Look forward to keeping up with your Secrets...

    1. Yessss.. Hello, new bloggy friend! Join us. You are full of filfthy whorish secrets I can SENSE it.

      I loved it there so much. During that week I flashed a family, got a urinary tract infection and had to see a Doctor in his house with chickens in his backyard, had diarrhea at a luau, got the worst sunburn in my life (which has been full of sunburns) and sprained my back.. But it was AMAZING.

  11. I used to hate Sunday evenings, because of the inevitable Monday that follows, but now I have this to look forward to every week, they just got better.