In the event you have arrived here from ICLW - howdy! Totally just read on, but if by chance you don't want to start out our relationship by reading about my love of the nude elderly, I've made a handy dandy page here.
So one of my neighbors might be digging holes for dead bodies during the day.
Let's back up.
We've lived in this house for 3 years. In the last six months - both sets of neighbors on either side left (one couple to go live on a yacht for a few years, one family to get a bigger house) and rented their places out to new families. (Can I tell you how much fun it is to introduce yourself to new neighbors, have them ask you if you have kids, and see the second of disappointment in their eyes when you say "nope!").
Anyhoo, the yacht people rented their house to a ridiculously gorgeous couple with a young son. The girl seems pretty cool. I have a lemon tree in my backyard that produces lemons like the apocalypse came and went, and lemons have inherited the Earth - so when they moved in, I left them a giant bag of lemons on their doorstep. Not really to be nice, just to unload some freak lemons. (Buying a house did not make me a Mom, but it did make me a lemon pusher).
A few days later, well dressed gorgeous young woman comes unexpectedly to my door to thank me. I am wearing PJ pants, a tank top with a hole close to the nipple and a giant 1980s hair band. I try my best to win her over with my personality in case the nipple doesn't work.
This is my lemon tree which is now dormant for two months - I'm telling you, when it gets going you can't see the tree -
A few days later, Luna the Giant Puppy is in the backyard, on her long cord pegged into the ground. She sees gorgeous neighbors in backyard, somehow completely removes her own collar, jumps over the fence and starts running around them. Again, as testimony to this girl probably being cool, she doesn't freak out though it must have looked like a rabid werewolf had arrived for a play date with her toddler. She calls me and tells me this has happened, and as I'm on the phone, Luna jumps over their 6 foot fence and is now in the street.
So I have to immediately leave the house without hesitation. Again I am wearing a 1980s hairband, one of my hippie skirts, and worst of all... a t-shirt I purchased at the opening of an all nude Golden Girls art show called "Golden Gals Gone Wild".
Yes. True. And it was just as amazing as it is in your mind, plus a DJ wearing nothing but a diaper.
To make a long story short, I ended up in gorgeous neighbors front yard, in front of not only her but her toddler and two equally gorgeous lady friends, chasing Luna in circles, tripping over myself, flashing my underpants and silently expressing my adoration for naked Golden Girls.
And yet, somehow they have yet to invite us over for a dinner party.
Which brings us to our other neighbors - they of the dingaling incident. Short of seeing my husband's pecker and occasionally bringing us our mail, I have had surprisingly little contact with them. The guy seems nice - haven't really seen his wife.
However - the guy has been digging in the backyard, everyday, all day, just him and a shovel, for two weeks straight. I can assure you - having been in the house which is much smaller than ours - that there is no room for a swimming pool or even a hot tub. Bub says maybe they're looking for a gopher (we have a very caddyshack like situation going on with our neighborhood). Would you stay home for two weeks, shoveling for a gopher in 100+ degree heat, when the woman you were renting from was a judge?
So please, oh please, someone tell me what a person could be digging (with a shovel) for, for two weeks, that is not sinister?
Given my track record with new neighbors I would really like to avoid having to go all The 'Burbs on their asses.
And on that note - some silliness for your Saturday.. Yes, it involves a baby but she's drunk, so it's okay.
You have less than 24 hours to send me a secret!