Peeing on Kristen Stewart

Happy Wednesday, preciosas.

I'm ovulating!  Woot woot! Strike up the gland!

I do not ovulate on my own, but when I was on Clomid and then stopped, I always got an extra month of ovulation for free (hooray!  Something for free!). So with the IVF hormones (which make Clomid seem... precious) I was hoping that I would get a bonus month even though Dr. Kickass said that early miscarriages can screw up the following cycle.

So I bit the bullet, spent $55 on one of those 20 packs of digital OPKs (I cannot read lines).  Started peeing on one every afternoon starting a week ago.  I got super excited yesterday because I got cramps that turned out to be diarrhea (you do not want to know how many attempts I had before that was spelled correctly).  Just another day in the life of an infertile, where you become full of glee and promise over diarrhea cramps... and as a reward for optimism, you get to come within inches of pooping yourself. Stupid crap cramps.

So after said cramping incident, I figured I was literally peeing on $60, and to say to my ovaries 'look you little shits, I don't even care' I held off on testing all day.  A standoff at the OPK Corral.  Eventually I caved and got a smiley.

No one should be excited about this, least of all me, however it will give me the illusion that I'm doing something instead of just sitting around waiting.  It's a chance in the same way that handing me, she with no athletic abilities, a basketball and saying "you get one shot to get the ball in that hoop over there in Nevada... fingers crossed! Basketball dust!" is a chance. So, worst case (and most probable) scenario is that I have purely recreational sex.


In other news, I detest Kristen Stewart.

I can't prove it, but I'm convinced that Kristen Stewart is somehow responsible for my diarrhea.  I am so sorry if lines are going to be drawn in the sand over this, but flipping your hair, whining and standing with your mouth agape does not an actress make.

Yesterday Mr. T and I went to see "Snow White and the Huntsman" at a ghetto fabulous $3 theatre (still mysteriously referred to as a dollar theatre).  Pretty special effects.  Charlize Theron is so beautiful that I believe the whole 'sucking the souls out of young girls to retain youth' storyline is probably true to life.  I am sad to report that Kristen Stewart lives.

In addition to participating in Snow White and fucking up my bowels with her 'emoting', she also, of course, took part in making the Twilight books into movies.  I have so many reasons for hating those books in the first place that it's an entire entry to itself, primarily because it's just such poor/lazy writing,  but in short:

• They forgot to write Edward any kind of personality other than "handsome" and "rich".
• I don't understand why the entire world of ancient vampires would be so concerned with one girl who was given absolutely no defining characteristics other than "whiney" and "clumsy".
• Fantastico message for teens 1:  give up your entire family, and people who are trying to be your friends for a guy.  Oh, and if he leaves for a few months, you should cease to function as a human being.
•  Fantastico message for teens 2: you should hold off on sex before getting married because test driving a car is a terrible idea.  Oh, and the loophole to this is to get married as a teenager.  That always works out well, much like getting a tattoo of your boyfriend's name on your face works out well.

I hated Bella throughout the books - the only way they would have somehow rectified the situation for me was if in the end, vampires and werewolves alike got to rip her to shreds and eat her still beating heart.

And somehow, Kristen Stewart, somehow, with your own particular brand of magic you managed to make me hate her even more on screen.

Remember, fellow infertiles, as we are going through life pretending to be anything other than dead inside, the Kristen Stewart method to acting.  Leave part of hair in face, flip hair around with hands, leave mouth just open enough to reveal two large chiclets, and pout.  That will apparently suffice for any required emotion.

And it goes without saying that the biggest crime of Twilight is that the girl gets knocked up by a vampire.

That's right, a dead man - who therefor has no heartbeat to circulate his blood or get an erection in the first place - not only gets an erection, but creates healthy sperm, and impregnates a girl who is technically 60 some odd years his junior.

When I once asked Bub about this, he said "clearly he uses Vampagra".