Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Peeing on Kristen Stewart

Happy Wednesday, preciosas.

I'm ovulating!  Woot woot! Strike up the gland!

I do not ovulate on my own, but when I was on Clomid and then stopped, I always got an extra month of ovulation for free (hooray!  Something for free!). So with the IVF hormones (which make Clomid seem... precious) I was hoping that I would get a bonus month even though Dr. Kickass said that early miscarriages can screw up the following cycle.

So I bit the bullet, spent $55 on one of those 20 packs of digital OPKs (I cannot read lines).  Started peeing on one every afternoon starting a week ago.  I got super excited yesterday because I got cramps that turned out to be diarrhea (you do not want to know how many attempts I had before that was spelled correctly).  Just another day in the life of an infertile, where you become full of glee and promise over diarrhea cramps... and as a reward for optimism, you get to come within inches of pooping yourself. Stupid crap cramps.

So after said cramping incident, I figured I was literally peeing on $60, and to say to my ovaries 'look you little shits, I don't even care' I held off on testing all day.  A standoff at the OPK Corral.  Eventually I caved and got a smiley.

No one should be excited about this, least of all me, however it will give me the illusion that I'm doing something instead of just sitting around waiting.  It's a chance in the same way that handing me, she with no athletic abilities, a basketball and saying "you get one shot to get the ball in that hoop over there in Nevada... fingers crossed! Basketball dust!" is a chance. So, worst case (and most probable) scenario is that I have purely recreational sex.


In other news, I detest Kristen Stewart.



I can't prove it, but I'm convinced that Kristen Stewart is somehow responsible for my diarrhea.  I am so sorry if lines are going to be drawn in the sand over this, but flipping your hair, whining and standing with your mouth agape does not an actress make.

Yesterday Mr. T and I went to see "Snow White and the Huntsman" at a ghetto fabulous $3 theatre (still mysteriously referred to as a dollar theatre).  Pretty special effects.  Charlize Theron is so beautiful that I believe the whole 'sucking the souls out of young girls to retain youth' storyline is probably true to life.  I am sad to report that Kristen Stewart lives.

In addition to participating in Snow White and fucking up my bowels with her 'emoting', she also, of course, took part in making the Twilight books into movies.  I have so many reasons for hating those books in the first place that it's an entire entry to itself, primarily because it's just such poor/lazy writing,  but in short:

  • They forgot to write Edward any kind of personality other than "handsome" and "rich".
  • I don't understand why the entire world of ancient vampires would be so concerned with one girl who was given absolutely no defining characteristics other than "whiney" and "clumsy".
  • Fantastico message for teens 1:  give up your entire family, and people who are trying to be your friends for a guy.  Oh, and if he leaves for a few months, you should cease to function as a human being.
  •  Fantastico message for teens 2: you should hold off on sex before getting married because test driving a car is a terrible idea.  Oh, and the loophole to this is to get married as a teenager.  That always works out well, much like getting a tattoo of your boyfriend's name on your face works out well.


I hated Bella throughout the books - the only way they would have somehow rectified the situation for me was if in the end, vampires and werewolves alike got to rip her to shreds and eat her still beating heart.

And somehow, Kristen Stewart, somehow, with your own particular brand of magic you managed to make me hate her even more on screen.

Remember, fellow infertiles, as we are going through life pretending to be anything other than dead inside, the Kristen Stewart method to acting.  Leave part of hair in face, flip hair around with hands, leave mouth just open enough to reveal two large chiclets, and pout.  That will apparently suffice for any required emotion.

And it goes without saying that the biggest crime of Twilight is that the girl gets knocked up by a vampire.

That's right, a dead man - who therefor has no heartbeat to circulate his blood or get an erection in the first place - not only gets an erection, but creates healthy sperm, and impregnates a girl who is technically 60 some odd years his junior.

When I once asked Bub about this, he said "clearly he uses Vampagra".






29 comments:

  1. What amazes me about this post is the connection between ovulation and Kristin Stewart. Impressive! I use her method of emotion every day in my classroom. Ok, I'm kidding. But maybe I should start.

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    1. I, too, plan on implementing the Kristen Stewart/Keanu Reeves method of showing emotion. The combo being hair flipping with an underlying air of surfer.

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  2. Congrats on the ovulation!

    And I am with you 100% on Kristen Stewart / Twilight. How did those books get so popular? They. Are. Not. Good. I could only get through the first movie. So bad.

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    1. I have NO idea how they got so popular. None. Nor do I understand when you're creating characters how you can forget to give them personalities.

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  3. Go get you some sex, girl! Also, my diarrhea came from me not giving the first glass of prune juice time to work. So I drank three more. Bad idea, in case you are wondering.
    Whew, now you must *really* want to go get you some sex! Sorry.

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  4. This post is pure awesome sauce. Wait- Does awesome sauce overdosage cause diarrhea ??

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    1. Haha I'm not sure! It could. While Kristen Stewart is free to roam the silver screen nothing is safe.

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  5. Yay for ovulating! I just had to dig the OPK's out of their hiding place this week. I was really planning on not needing them again but here I am after my failed IVF feeling like I need to at least try even if it's unlikely. So while I wait for the next IVF cycle I get to try the old fashioned way.

    The whole time I was watching Snow White I kept wondering who the casting geniuses were who decided that Charlize Theron would be threatened by Kristin Stewart's "beauty". Seriously? I don't get why she is famous. And I fully believe she is responsible for your diarrhea.

    Thanks for the laugh today. I needed it.

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    1. Yes! We will be a silly-sex team this month!

      Agreed. Kristen Stewart is at best an annoying fly buzzing around the she-beast dinosaur which is Charlize Theron. As a pale, dark-haired woman with buggy-blue eyes, who has always felt akin to Snow White, I am insulted.

      And thank you for the support on the Stewart Diarrhea issue. I'm considering writing a letter to congress.

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  6. LOVE the title of this post! Congrats on the FREE ovulation :)

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    1. Thank you, thank you! It feels weird to have any kind of hopeful sex without writing a check first. I feel the pain of brothel regulars.

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    2. If you feel the need to write a check, I'll gladly send you my address :)

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  7. *pops champagne* Cheers to bonus ovulation!!!
    PS I think Kristen Stewart is an amazing actress, she is truly talented. (my fingers are crossed and I vomited a little in my mouth as I typed that.....)

    Lisa (the former lurker)

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    1. See? Kristen Stewart = all kinds of tummy troubles.

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  8. I love love the basketball analogy! I'm going to shoot too, with my eyes closed. Lets see who makes a basket first! Basketball Dust!!

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    1. Basketball dust right back at ya, lovely.

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  9. Yeah for free ovulation! I am very glad I really do not know who Kristen Stewart is (I feel so old!) Hoping that the smiley face brings you a wonderful BFP too!!

    Thank you for your post on my blog! I love your sense of humor!!

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    1. Feel glad you are unaware of Kristen Stewart. Feel glad.

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  10. I just wrote a forum post about needing to have my spirits lifted and voilà... That's what you just did. You have no idea how much fun I have reading your blog and finding out that, miraculously, someone shares the same feelings about certain aspects and horrors of humankind. You just are the one that is capable of writing it down in such a way I would gladly pay you everything I owe to write my memoirs.

    That being said, I did some OPKs myself and again, although my CM is getting the most fertile it can be, I can't see anything on it. I must have the worst wee in the world... Obviously, I did ovulate last month.

    We went to see Snow White & the Huntsman on Sunday. For free! (Yay for having important connections that can ocassionally provide free tickets, because honestly, I remember the days I paid 3 euros to go see Jurassic Park and now it's a mere 14 dollars in the local Roxy theatre of a magnificent rural NSW town, where except for DH and I, there were only two other people present.) I didn't mind it, only because it had Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron in it. This has been the first movie I've seen with Kristen Stewart and indeed I found it rather hard to decide whether she was excited, sad or extremely annoyed in just about any situation on screen. She did however, seem extremely good in portraying dying.

    I refuse to read or see any Twilight book or movie. I just hate sparkling vampires. And I'll finish my anti-Twilight argument with the words of my 5 year old nephew to my 7 year old nephew: 'I'll show you how a 'real' man does it!'

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    1. I've had a discussion with G-d, and She and I have decided to bless you with better wee.

      You got to see it for FREE? I am contemplating writing Kristen Stewart and demand that she return me the $3. And bowels.

      Agreed - you make vampires vegetarians, sparkly in the sun, and fearful of sex with a woman what you have is no longer a vampire but one of the delightful gay men roaming the streets of Los Angeles.

      Smoooooooch.

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  11. Yey, bonus eggs! Follow your own advice to me (which I myself followed to the letter) and get busy missy.

    I think I could write a thesis on KS and the Twilight books and why both are ruining teenagers minds and souls, but that would be more attention than either deserve.

    What a horrible message those books send. Bad writing, bad message, bad acting, bad bad bad. Twilight and Bella Swan has taken back the cause of women's rights by about 50 years and made shoddy writing acceptable. I am, quite frankly, ashamed of my fellow man. There, I said it.

    Now go and have sex. But try not to think about KS, it wont help the mood.

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    1. I have done the deed! KS was thankfully not involved.

      Agreed. It is the WORST example of love you can give a teenager. The worst. If I had a daughter that was on the cusp of first-love age I can't think of a book that would be lower on the list of reading material.

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  12. Brilliant!! I HATE THAT GIRL!!! Such terrible one face acting, stupid open mouth, honestly it works my into a totally crazy verging on homicidal frenzy!!Glad to say I've never read those books but I watched the first two movies and honestly she is the most annoying person ever! I did slip up and read 50 shades - what a load of crap!

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    1. ONE FACE. And one face only. she's some sort of warlock.

      And 50 shades... I honestly don't get what's wrong with just renting a porn.

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  13. Urgh Kristen Stewart...that's all I have to say about that.

    Happy that you got a smiley! Freebies are the best. I wonder if Femara works similarly? Oh and can you send positive smiley vibes my way? My digi stick seems to have forgotten how to draw the eyes and mouth. >:-|

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    1. I am sending your ovary a direct signal! You should be able to feel my presence in there at any moment.

      I never did Femara, but I think that's more hardcore than Clomid... so I would assume that indeed you get a bonus month.
      I demand it to be so.

      ::waves wand::

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  14. LMAO!!! Love this! I hate Twilight...thought I was the only one??
    Woot woot for ovulating! I'm keeping everything crossed! *baby dust* We are sorta cycle buddies now! I think I'm maybe a couple days ahead of you. :-)

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