It has been more than a week since my last confession. I throw myself at the mercy of the court.
In a manner referencing the great Mickey Rourke pre-plastic surgery binge, I am 9 1/2 weeks (10 on Wednesday holy shit me.) The only thing I have in common with that movie is my ability and willingness to blindly eat whatever the fridge presents me, though I can assure you it is in no way sexy.
I am pregnant. This hasn't really sunk in yet. I'm thinking once I get to.. what.. 14 weeks? I can breathe and stop considering it a 'waiting game' and let the full on bliss set in. I realize this is obnoxious and that some people are going to read that and go "you're pregnant, enjoy it you moron".. Totes get it because that's basically what I used to think.. You know what it's like? It's like being the nerdy outcast in High School and then finally, finally your senior year the captain of the football team you've been coveting for four years asks you to prom. YES you are feeling blissful and this is what you've been waiting for - but there's that damn realist heart-guard side of yourself that keeps whispering 'he may just want to dump pigs blood on you...'
I am going to talk about being pregnant in here. Love me still, please. For the most part I just anticipate shenanigans. If you need to take a step back do it and I totally get it - if you don't or can muster up some bravery, please do! I am NOT GOING TO SIT AT THE FERTILE TABLE. Do you hear me?! YOU ARE STUCK WITH ME.
Either the experience of pregnancy is truly an individual experience, or no one explained it to me right - other than the obvious shit like "hey, your boobs are going to get veiny and hurt, eventually".
So I'm realizing that my description will probably have no relevance whatsoever to how it's going to feel for you, but I'll give it to you anyway.
Pregnancy thus far - at least the first 9 1/2 weeks - is basically like being a drunk, a vampire, and/or a drunk vampire.
Initially you are mostly drunk - without the fun high, unless we're counting the high of knowing WHY you feel like ass.
Your stomach is iffy. You would like to vomit a never ending river but at the same time, maybe eat a burrito.
Mysteriously your sense of balance and sage wisdom goes completely out the door, and you are left a blob of muttering animal instincts.
You have two emotions: giggly or weepy. And that's when you can get it up to show an emotion assuming you are not too closely circling vomit river.
THERE IS NO LONGER A PLACE ON THIS EARTH WHERE YOU COULDN'T FALL ASLEEP.
Then the transformation begins.
A third emotion is added to the mix and that emotion is BLIND RAGE. You cannot imagine what you ever found appealing about going out during the day and mixing with humans.
Unbelievable 'seriously, is she okay? should she be driving?' exhaustion still plagues you during the day, and sleeping for any length of time at night becomes an impossible dream.
Food occasionally tastes like pointless ash, and blood becomes something you are on constant, constant look out for.
Those 'twinges' people describe - your uterus expanding actually feels like you have a big fat sunburn on the inside of your skin that someone is scratching.
You awake to newly enhanced spidey senses where you just no longer experience the world in the same way. Oh - how do I know my husband is almost home? BECAUSE I CAN SMELL HIM DRIVING DOWN THE STREET.
(I have never been so excited to be uncomfortable. Bring on the second tri).
And on that note, here is Heisenberg as of this morning - had a VERY small, blink-and-you-miss-it, only-on-toilet-paper spotting on Sunday night (which I'm pretty sure is coming from the outside, not the inside) so he/she got a check up this morning just in case:
Heisenberg head down on right, crazy umbilical cord on left.
Dr Kickass pointed out he/she was MOVING which was a crazy, crazy thing to see... definitely hasn't fully computed that this is on the inside of my body but there you have it.
I go see OB tomorrow. Crazy crazy crazy.