Stork Teaches Today's Youth

Greetings, my voluptuous temptresses!

I am in tourist mode.

I do not understand people who live in a city and are too cool for touristy stuff.  If you can no longer get yourself excited about where you're living and geek out about it a bit, time to move, I say.

Let me say that while the lovely Bubella is visiting I may be slightly negligent in blog commenting.

Let me also state - very, very clearly - that I love reading blogs.  More than I love writing. And I will therefor make up for this afterwards with creepy vengeance.

I like being disgustingly involved in your lives.  It's my favorite.  If I could, I would crawl up your vag with you, flashlight in hand, try to pinpoint what the problem is and perhaps call a mechanic or an exorcist.

I can hear my lurkers pulling the corners of their blanket of shadows more tightly around them... Do not be afraid. I will be friends with your nooners. As G-d is my witness, I will work my way into your uterus-heart.  Do not resist my charms.  (This is sounding dangerously close to blog rape, but I stand by it.  I stand by it, damnit!)

Keeping in mind that Bubella is 16 years old, some thoughts on topics of conversation should you find yourself with access to a teenager:


1).  Spread your infertile misery by unnecessarily teaching them about cervical mucus.

The idea of a cervix was a complete mystery to me prior to TTC.  Knew the word, yes, and that at some point when giving birth it had to dilate (perhaps it had something to do with my eye?) but in the sex-ed world if it didn't help me get off I didn't have any particular interest.

No one ever said "oh you have this thing at the top of your vagina that looks like the head of a penis. It's constantly dancing around and vomiting like some weird uncle at a wedding who's had a bit too much to drink".

What good is it knowing this if you can't actually make a baby?  Would not have been able to answer that question a couple of days ago.

But this just in - it's super fun to tell a teenager about it being as descriptive as possible.  Teenager turns into Teenager-Turtle and their head slowly disappears into their shirt.

Oh and if they happen to have a picture on their phone of their favorite vanilla cream filled cookie, make sure to point out that it in fact looks like a leaky cervix.

On the subject of cervix fascination, if you are in any way easily grossed out, do not click here.  If you are riveted by this strange drunken bit of flesh at the top of your vagina, click here.


2).  That Chris Farley exists.

Yes indeedy do, there are people on this planet who are practically adults who were still messing themselves in diapers when he died.  Sign me up for AARP and pass me a glass of prune juice, I am old.

I think we can all agree that no one should be roaming around this planet without having seen Chris Farley dancing a-la-Chippendales.

3).  I thank my lucky stars that my awesome sauce sister-in-law has fantastico taste in music (a devout Beatles fan, she is).  With that being said, even though I clear Bubella of any Bieber-guilt,  I feel as though we should all collectively agree to start spreading the word that Justin Bieber is not a teenage boy, but clearly just a grown ass lesbian.

And then point them in the direction of this awesomeness.

4).  Try to work into the conversation that your husband (in this case, her brother) has a 3D camera and can she guess what the first thing was that he wanted to take a picture of?


5).  Within 24 hours, make them watch 'Requiem for a Dream', go on an awesome (seriously you have to do this - done it a million times and it never gets old, it's my official suggestion for the Infertility Field Trip) tour about grisly Hollywood deaths, and make them go through a Scientology-sponsored museum.  Oh, and then maybe politely ask if as a result of the last 24 hours they are thinking of weeping softly to themselves and cutting.



Oh, I've had her for 2 days.

And yes I want to be in charge of another human being - why do you ask?

I must say I normally disagree wholeheartedly with Whitney Houston and instead of marveling that the children are our future often find myself thinking "G-d help us all when these little shits are in charge".  Bubella restores my faith.

Best sister-in-law ever = STORK.