Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Stork Teaches Today's Youth

Greetings, my voluptuous temptresses!

I am in tourist mode.

I do not understand people who live in a city and are too cool for touristy stuff.  If you can no longer get yourself excited about where you're living and geek out about it a bit, time to move, I say.

Let me say that while the lovely Bubella is visiting I may be slightly negligent in blog commenting.

Let me also state - very, very clearly - that I love reading blogs.  More than I love writing. And I will therefor make up for this afterwards with creepy vengeance.

I like being disgustingly involved in your lives.  It's my favorite.  If I could, I would crawl up your vag with you, flashlight in hand, try to pinpoint what the problem is and perhaps call a mechanic or an exorcist.

I can hear my lurkers pulling the corners of their blanket of shadows more tightly around them... Do not be afraid. I will be friends with your nooners. As G-d is my witness, I will work my way into your uterus-heart.  Do not resist my charms.  (This is sounding dangerously close to blog rape, but I stand by it.  I stand by it, damnit!)


Keeping in mind that Bubella is 16 years old, some thoughts on topics of conversation should you find yourself with access to a teenager:


1).  Spread your infertile misery by unnecessarily teaching them about cervical mucus.

The idea of a cervix was a complete mystery to me prior to TTC.  Knew the word, yes, and that at some point when giving birth it had to dilate (perhaps it had something to do with my eye?) but in the sex-ed world if it didn't help me get off I didn't have any particular interest.

No one ever said "oh you have this thing at the top of your vagina that looks like the head of a penis. It's constantly dancing around and vomiting like some weird uncle at a wedding who's had a bit too much to drink".

What good is it knowing this if you can't actually make a baby?  Would not have been able to answer that question a couple of days ago.

But this just in - it's super fun to tell a teenager about it being as descriptive as possible.  Teenager turns into Teenager-Turtle and their head slowly disappears into their shirt.

Oh and if they happen to have a picture on their phone of their favorite vanilla cream filled cookie, make sure to point out that it in fact looks like a leaky cervix.

On the subject of cervix fascination, if you are in any way easily grossed out, do not click here.  If you are riveted by this strange drunken bit of flesh at the top of your vagina, click here.


2).  That Chris Farley exists.

Yes indeedy do, there are people on this planet who are practically adults who were still messing themselves in diapers when he died.  Sign me up for AARP and pass me a glass of prune juice, I am old.

I think we can all agree that no one should be roaming around this planet without having seen Chris Farley dancing a-la-Chippendales.




3).  I thank my lucky stars that my awesome sauce sister-in-law has fantastico taste in music (a devout Beatles fan, she is).  With that being said, even though I clear Bubella of any Bieber-guilt,  I feel as though we should all collectively agree to start spreading the word that Justin Bieber is not a teenage boy, but clearly just a grown ass lesbian.

And then point them in the direction of this awesomeness.




4).  Try to work into the conversation that your husband (in this case, her brother) has a 3D camera and can she guess what the first thing was that he wanted to take a picture of?


5).  Within 24 hours, make them watch 'Requiem for a Dream', go on an awesome (seriously you have to do this - done it a million times and it never gets old, it's my official suggestion for the Infertility Field Trip) tour about grisly Hollywood deaths, and make them go through a Scientology-sponsored museum.  Oh, and then maybe politely ask if as a result of the last 24 hours they are thinking of weeping softly to themselves and cutting.



Oh, I've had her for 2 days.

And yes I want to be in charge of another human being - why do you ask?

I must say I normally disagree wholeheartedly with Whitney Houston and instead of marveling that the children are our future often find myself thinking "G-d help us all when these little shits are in charge".  Bubella restores my faith.

Best sister-in-law ever = STORK.



35 comments:

  1. Teens should be made uncomfortable at every opportunity, this was the number 1 lesson learned from my parents. I knew I was officially a grown up when I started to agree with them. God help our offspring. Ps is that uterus mad at anyone particular or just life in general?

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    1. My uterus is pissed at everything and everyone. General grump, that uterus. ;)

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  2. That uterus picture is hilarious. And I agree - make them uncomfortable. All I have to do to make my brothers (10 & 12 uncomfortable is ask if they have girlfriends - its super easy at that stage.
    P.S. my vag might be able to use a mechanic or exorcist specialist. Let me know what you find

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    1. Hahaha honestly of all the dishonest ways to make money, how come a vag exorcist isn't a thing?

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  3. I actually cried when Chris Farley died. I am pretty lucky with my city, we have the largest aquarium and honestly, I could go stare at the giant-ass crabs all day, every day. I'm a little worried with that second pregnancy uterus. I think someone punched it.

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  4. 1. Am amazed there is a website entitled beautiful cervix.
    2. Does Mr. Potato Head know that pissed-off uterus stole his shoes?

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    1. OMG I didn't even notice... Grumpy Uterus takes what he wants - JUST TAKES IT! HE'S HAD IT!

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  5. My lesbian little sister looks a little like the Beeb. Only she is far more gorgeous.

    A scientology museum. Oh man, I need to come to visit you too.

    I also fully admit I found the cervix site ages ago and had a good old rummage around in there, and then had a good rummage around down there.

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    1. Yes! Visit!

      I had a good look at that cervix site, let. me. tell. you. I am horrified and fascinated all at once.

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  6. Oh man, I'm of the 'easily grossed out' contingent. Just knowing that that site exists gives me the willies! I definitely did NOT click on the link! You also have to make sure SIL knows about the van down by the river!

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    1. Oh I diiiiid!

      We were going through my movies and I asked her if she had seen Tommy Boy and she didn't know who he was! Immediately I found van down by the river. Important message for a teen, indeed.

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  7. You *are* the best sister-in-law ever! LOL!

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  8. With your guidance she will turn out awesome, I can tell. Also, I look forward to visiting and having you take me to the Scientology museum. I know I will do this because I also get very clingy with people I meet on blogs who don't realize I am actually a 53 year old man who collects ceramic ducks.
    xo

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    1. I would be so excited to meet your creepy 53 year old self. And your ducks.

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  9. Your description of what a cervix is made me laugh/choke on my coffee this morning. Such a good (and hilarious) description! I am someone who also loves to play tourist. I live near Vancouver, BC which is an awesome city and full of good stuff to see. Have fun with Bubella!

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    1. Ooooh I'd loooooove to see Vancouver! It's on my list!

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  10. Love this! I wish you were MY sister-in-law!!!

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    1. Would you settle for an internet lesbian lover?

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  11. I'm thinking I probably should NOT click on a website called beautifulcervix.com while I'm at work. That will be one to save for my laptop at home, where I can share it with my husband (who will then probably never want to have sex with me again).

    You're a fantastic sister-in-law. Bubella is very lucky to have you. :)

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    1. TOTALLY look at it when you get home. You will be mesmerized. Totally frozen like a deer in headlights except for a functioning finger to work the cursor.

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  12. OMG - did you go to the "Psychiatry is evil" museum? I laugh every time I drive by it. I love to do touristy stuff when people come to visit. I never do them on my own so I like having a reason to do the cheesy stuff. I think I ended up at Ripleys Believe it or not the last time my niece visited.

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    1. YESSSSS! HOW have you not done this???

      Yesterday it was like the trifecta of awful - the dearly departed people got an office (they would be the wonderfully, deliciously awesome tour of awful) the museum (no words) and a protest at Chick-fil-a (1/2 awful people, 1/2 awesome people). All in a block.

      You must go. Tis free, and you will need an alias, but so. crazy.

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  13. I live in a tourist town and I love it. I totally agree with you that if you don't feel giddy about where you live you should move.

    Pretty Pouty Justine. Love it.

    I hope I don't need a mechanic or an exorcist this month, but maybe you could just see to it that my egg is in fact fertilized and that it gets tucked in nice and tight. Oh, and while your in there just go ahead and make sure the proper number of chromosomes are present. Thanks!

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    1. I have all my extremities crossed for you you lovely, lovely woman. And if you lived close I would personally go up there with a laser pointer, a flashlight, and a carefully worded speech.

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  14. Ok. So. My Husband is OBSESSED with findadeath.com and we've been looking for an LA tour that will let him revel in all of the gory details behind celebrity murders. We will absolutely be trying out this grisly Hollywood death tour. There's also the Black Dahlia tour around here that's supposed to be amazing. FYI.

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    1. OMG. DO IT.

      I am OBSESSED with findadeath as well (if you happen to be reading this and are unfamiliar - go to findadeath.com. Even if it's not your thing, you'll click on it thinking you'll be there for 10 minutes and end up reading for 3 days). The guy who runs it - Scott Michaels - is an encyclopedia of awesome and also runs the tours. (I've taken it with him, and with the other guides - all amazing).

      It sounds terribly morbid but I lurve that site. I was writing some fiction that was death-esque awhile back and LIVED on it for awhile. So good.

      Go, go, you must go. Your husband will LOVE. (From my trip yesterday I now am the proud owner of a death hag shirt and I am in strange-nerd HEAVEN).

      I haven't done the Black Dahlia tour! Must look up, must look up.

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  15. I could have used a sister-in-law like you when I was a teenager.

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    1. Also, just saw your "disabled pigeon" blurb. Awesome.

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    2. I will try my best to traumatize you NOW. ;)

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  16. She is totally lucky to have you! And I would be all for embarrassing teens as much as is humanely possible!

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    1. I've had her a week and a half now and I'm outdoing myself. I am OUTDOING MYSELF, I SAY!

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