Greetings, children.

Some of you who have wandered here may not be trying to conceive.  Some of you may have just started, and are unaware that the Republic of Infertile has it's own language.  Some of you, like me, may be trying to conceive, are completely aware that there's a super secret language, but are sick to death of breaking your brain staring at abbreviations trying to decode them because everyone else gets them and you don't want to reveal you're... slow Special.  With that in mind -


Trying to Conceive

Aunt Flo. (For the record, I think it's ridiculous that we call it that.  I vote to change it to "TB" for "That Bitch".)

Cycle day.  So CD1 means the day you get your period.

Ovulating, Ovulation, etc.  What happens when someone references ovulation and Oprah's magazine in the same sentence remains to be seen.

Dear husband.  I also take issues with this one.  Sometime's mine is just a husband.

Dear daughter or dear son.  I'm going to venture a guess that they also have days where the dear is mysteriously missing.

Ovulation predictor kit.  The thing that you pee on that tells you if you're ovulating.

Home pregnancy test.

First response early results.  One of the pricier home pregnancy tests.

Big Fat Positive (positive pregnancy test), Big Fat Negative (negative pregnancy test).  Although when I'm reading it I choose to replace fat with fucking.

Days past ovulation.  (so you ovulate, a week later you would be 7DPO).

Luteal phase.  As in, the days between ovulating and your next period.

Two week wait, referring to that lovely time between ovulating and being able to take a pregnancy test where you basically drive yourself insane. (If you made the connection between this and LP, you get a cookie).  Also sometimes refers to the website twoweekwait.

Baby dance.  SEX.  This is what that means.  I have NO idea why we don't just say SEX.  The jig is up, kids, the secret is out - we all know how we're attempting to make humans.  It's just one more letter than the abbreviation for chrissakes.

In vitro fertilization.  That thing that octomom did.  Lot of lab coats and medication.

Intra-uterine insemination.  More involved than just having sex, less involved than IVF.  Think turkey baster.

This magical thing they occasionally do during IVF, where they inject sperm directly into an egg.

This one caused me to go cross-eyed trying to figure it out.  Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.

IVF lingo - egg retrieval.  The day they took your eggs out to inseminate.

Days past transfer.  In IVF lingo, transfer is when they put the embryos back into your uterus (usually 3 or 5 days past when they take out your eggs).  So if someone says 5dp3dt, that means they are 5 days past their 3 day transfer (3 day transfer means it was transferred 3 days after your egg retrieval), so technically 8 DPO.  phew.

Sperm analysis.  (Your husband/boyfriend/donor has a hot date with a cup, and then you get results in the mail).



Pee on a stick.  Favored hobby of all infertiles.

Reproductive Endocrinologist.  Basically an infertility specialist.

Birth control pills.  Hahahaha!  What a waste.

Last menstrual period.

Luteinizing hormone.  The lovely hormone that your body releases to tell you to ovulate.

GL, FX, Babydust:
Good luck.  Fingers crossed.  I don't know what the hell babydust is but it's something we say to each other.  Akin to pixie dust, I suppose, but with sexual undertones.

Ivf lingo.  Embryo transfer (the day they put them back in).  Frozen embryo transfer (the day you have embryos that were previously frozen back in).

Human Chorionic Gonadotropin.  The hormone your body releases when you're pregnant, the one that HPT's detect.

Okay, it means too much information.  Can we ban this concept altogether?  There is no such thing.  If someone told me that hitting my husband with snot rockets might get me pregnant, I would not think "gross",I would think "Is there a drug I should be taking to make more phlegm?"

Some other useful phrases:

"Just Relax":
 On accident or on purpose, I'm kind of being an asshole.

"If I were you, I would quit/adopt/not do what you're about to do"
I spent a few seconds trying to figure out what you're going through, got distracted by a butterfly, and came up with this.  And I'm definitely being an asshole.

"I wish my husband and I had that problem!"
I am queen of the assholes.

"At least you're married!"
I am not married.

Let me know if I forgot any!


  1. I'm glad we feel the same about "BD". I made a promise to my bloggy friends to never say it. Also Baby dust? That just sounds like....the dust of babies. Which is creepy.

  2. A blog full of epic awesomeness!

    Always nice to meet a fellow blogger who tries to find the lighter side in an otherwise depressing situation.....

    however, I hate all these effing acronyms and I would like to punch every person in the face who asks, "so when are you and Brian going to have a baby"

    We will have a baby once you have swallowed all your effing teeth.... and i am serving jail time for your untimely death...

    I am going to go and "just relax" now!


    Past Midnight

  3. I hate most of the acronyms too. I'm okay with the ones that abbreviate longer phrases eg TWW, TTC, IVF, DPO etc. but it's the cutsey ones that make me spew. They seem so high school / Martha Stewart inspired. I don't have Aunt Flo come to stay, I get my period. And as a lesbian, 'baby dancing' really doesn't cut the mustard! Even 'dirty dancing' would be better, but then that would be DD and so you could potentially run into a whole number of problems...I wrote an example but deleted it as it came out all wrong and incestuous sounding!

  4. I think "Well they always say it happens when you stop trying" is basically translated to "I'm an asshole who never has experienced infertility ... think I should say something positive but don't really want to strain my tiny brain thinking about it". Or something to that effect.