Sunday, July 8, 2012

Sex is the New Black

Good day my fellow ovary challenged.

How was your weekend, awesome?  Awesome.

I spent my weekend in my pajamas, minus a couple of trips to Chipotle.  Bub is doing some sidework doing web stuff for a plastic surgery place, and some mail they sent him went to our neighbors who promptly brought it over.  Did I mention he was on the couch with his dingaling out when they came to our front window? Oh, it was.  And they're new.  So far they know the following about us:
  1. Names
  2. Dingaling
  3. We appear to be getting some sort of plastic surgery.
Luna (giant puppy) tried to kill a baby bird and took a dump on our bathroom rug.  Phoebe (corgi) is finally looking less troubled by the ongoing firework noises.  They're both rescues - Phoebe I'm fairly certain was plucked out of the ghetto somewhere, judging by her response to said fireworks.  I'm not sure if she was a crip or a blood, but in the movie montage of her life, I'm fairly certain Coolio's "Gangsta's paradise" plays in the background at some point.  Just sayin'.

And that's what's new in the house of Stupid.

Oh, and Bub found me a clueless looking stork to replace my picture of pelicans (that I took at Santa Monica pier of a man who literally fished out of the water, and then fed fish to said pelicans.  Amazing.)

What?  YES.




So here I was, trying to think of things to be thankful for in relation to IVF, other than the fact that it exists.  And then it occurred to me - SEX.  Yes. Sex, ladies and gentleman, S-E-X.

I am blessed with a high sex drive to begin with.  (I know, I know.. I'm like that girl who's 95 lbs, looks at your flub and says "OMG I wish I could gain weight like you" and you want to blink, turn to her, and swallow her whole without chewing... But I said I was going to be honest in here, so there it is).

However, when I was harboring under the delusion that I ovulated, or even when I did ovulate with Clomid, I did not enjoy the horny and horned little Jenny on my shoulder that shouted "I don't give a rats ass that he's late, exhausted, and you are bloated like a life-raft, do it, do it NOW you wee harlot".. (Did I mention horny Jenny is also a pirate?)

The beauty part about being at the last stop on the crazy train, aka IVF, is that you're pretty confident that no one is going to get knocked up unless there's at least half a dozen people in lab coats in the room.  (Admittedly, knowing what I know now, I would've been a bigger whore in high school).

So sex can, yet again, be totally recreational.  Mission: give me some of your best swimmers and then I'll stare into the abyss with my legs in the air for 30 minutes becomes Mission:  if I put my legs in the air I wonder if that'll give me a better orgasm.  

Gone are the days where one has to say "watch porn if you have to, we're going in 10 minutes" or worry about anything that involves mucus.  

Adios, BBT thermometer, the only digital things I will be inserting into myself will have been purchased at Hustler.

If I were single and devoid of morals, I would get a bumper sticker that said "barren and disease free".

Sound the trumpets, bust out the costumes and strange vibrating purple things, sex can be fun again.  And I don't have to involve a half a dozen people in lab coats unless I'm feeling really saucy.





23 comments:

  1. Love it. And I am totally enjoying your new stupid stork pic. He looks really dense...... I'd like to poke him in the eye, put my foot up his ass and tell him to get a move on to your place. ;)

    Lisa

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. PLEASE Lisa, please. I fully support stork violence.

      Delete
  2. I have just found your blog and I love it! You rock. I love that you have managed to reclaim sex for fun. Good for you. I am looking forward to following along.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hooray! New friend! Yes, after joining the sex olympics and having the fun completely drained out of it via too much training, I am going back to the minor leagues.

      Delete
  3. Hi! I found your blog from LFCA and I have to say that it is quite good! I am glad that you are injecting humor into an otherwise unhumerous topic. I need to add some more humor into my life right now! You have another follower here! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay for new followers!

      I know it's a complete bummer situation but at this point, it's gotten so dark that it's kind of hysterical if I back myself up from it.

      Delete
  4. Hi,
    Here from LFCA and I love the humor in your writing. I look forward to following your blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YAY for LFCA! I'm excited to be in the sad-woman network. ;)

      Delete
  5. hahaha!! Oh man, good stuff! I needed a laugh today. Yay for fun sex!! Oh, and the stork is awesome!

    PS, I have a computer again! Although, I'm only hanging out with the extra nice cool kids (like you) due to all that drama.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am EXXXtra cool. woot woot!

      Justin Timberlake may have brought sexy back, I am just bringing sex.

      Delete
    2. hehehe :-) Oh, and I just realized that I forgot to give you a shout out on my blog :-( It looks like some of my friends found you already though :-) I will advertise your awesomeness soon. Everyone must read!! :-)

      Delete
  6. <3 coming to see what ya have posted! thanks!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Smooooooooch.

      Do you have a blog? I keep clicking on your name to stalk you in a creepy fashion and I am led to a mysterious page.

      Delete
  7. Totally love this post and your blog -- now I know where to come for a pick me up! I also sort of love goofy stork, looks like a fun time ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww shucks, make a girl blush why don't ya'. :)

      I am desperately trying to keep things humorous for myself - and SO GLAD it's a pick me up for others, as well. :)

      Delete
  8. 'sup yo! I'm over from LFCA to say hi.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wassup homey! I applaud your reference to stork violence.

      Delete
  9. Now wait, what?, he was sitting on the couch with his dingaling OUT?
    And how did the neighbors see? Did he answer the door with his dingaling out?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES. Well, he was in his boxers on the couch in our living room, and despite the fact that it is surrounded in giant windows, he always has something out.

      They rang the doorbell and then looked in the window! I was unaware this is a thing!

      Delete
  10. You are so fucking funny. Glad you have joined us. And I am glad that I am finally caught up. My boss thinks I had a really fun day at work with all the laughing coming outta my cube today. You're gonna be big!!
    Later

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad I made you giggle, sweet cheeks!

      And HAHAHA I wrote one while you were reading. Sucker.

      Delete
  11. "(Admittedly, knowing what I know now, I would've been a bigger whore in high school)."

    HA! RIGHT? (Thinks of all the money spent on birth control)

    I love that stupid stork picture, it's ridiculous/awesome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ABSOLUTELY. In hindsight I got all hopped up on hormones and spent money just for FUN.

      Thanks! I feel as though the stork is both dopey, and yet somehow judging us...

      Delete