Thursday, July 26, 2012

And That's how Jenny Died...

Good Thursday, my delicious scrambled eggs.

(See what I did there?  Works on so many levels).

If you haven't been here in a few days or are just arriving from ICLW - I must insist that you go back and participate in our do-him game from Tuesday.

I have had so... much... fun.. reading the comments.  To briefly catch you up - ask a group of women the top 5 people they would do, and shit gets crazy.  There's drooling, specific instructions to google so-and-so shirtless, weaves being pulled off and earrings being taken out in preparation for a fight... Amazing.

I am seriously going to tally all of this up.  It feels like there should be some Olympic Finality to this.

Important life lesson:  Ryan Gosling vs. Ryan Reynolds is the do-him equivalent to The Rolling Stones vs. The Beatles, or Elvis vs. The Beatles.  Yes you can like them both but you cannot like them equally.

And on that note, clearly some of you have been roofied (no idea how to spell that and I'm not looking it up in case I'm ever falsely accused of a crime and someone has to look up my google searches - thank you, Dateline) by Ryan Reynolds.

I fully intend on writing to congress on your clearly confused behalves.



No.


So yesterday I had three - yes, 3! - near death experiences in the span of 30 minutes.  

Near Death Experience 1:
I arrive at Chipotle at 10:29 for my usual take-home brunch which is actually making me lose weight (and yes, I am fully available, Chipotle, for some Jared-a-la-Subway commercials) one minute before they open.  As per usual, it's me and about 5 other Mexican-food loving psychos pawing at the front door.

On this occasion, however, there is a lovely homeless man singing to himself and emptying nearby trash bins of recyclables.  He walks by our group, and says "hey, how is everybody doing today!"

Crickets chirp, everyone pretends they're looking at their phones.  I think to myself 'what a bunch of assholes' and so I reply:

Stupid Stork:  Pretty good, how about yourself?
Homeless man:  Sober!  ::dramatic gesture of disgust::
Stupid:  Well, that sucks!
HM:  Exactly!  What's so good about it?  Have a good day, love.

So as I'm having this riveting discussion, there's another homeless man (to be fair, not quite sure if he's homeless or is just a backpacking hitchhiker which we tend to get in our neighborhood) about 20 feet away.  He yells.. Something.

I think I catch the tail end of it which I believe was "what did he say?" (did I mention I'm not so good with hearing?).  But it was one of those situations where you're not exactly sure what this person is saying, or that they're even talking to you. So rather than shout 20 feet away to a hitchhiker who may not have been talking to me and reveal my insanity to 5 people who are clearly so riveted by their phones they have no idea what's going on I'm sure, I stay silent.

Cue meltdown.

He starts shouting.. Something.   He is red faced, foaming at the mouth, and even with my shotty eyes I can see spit bubbles.  All I can catch is the very few words that have managed to travel the 20 feet via spit bubble - "fucking!"  "Shitty!"  "Assholes!".  He looks like a cartoon bull that is about to charge me.

I didn't catch the jist of of his rant on me, but I caught the end of the last sentence before he stomped off which was:

"Oh well, I guess I'll just have to go and jerk off about you later!"

Hmm.

Mind you, my fellow food lovers apparently didn't hear any of that, but once the door to Chipotle softly squeaked open they all jumped up.  Bastards.

One of them was kind enough to open the door and cursed me by saying "Well, you're having a morning."


Near Death Experience 2:
I am waiting to turn left into a Starbucks drive-thru, and the oncoming traffic is backed up.  Some lovely person decides to let me in, I see no one coming in the furthest lane I have to cross through, so I go.  Fancy man listening to loud rap music comes speeding along, doesn't see me until the last minute, and by screeching on his brakes narrowly missed me by a few inches.

The lovely best friend Mr. T likes to say something a-la-Mean-Girls (and yes, he can basically perform the entire movie for you) when someone trips or does something clumsy.  "And that's how so and so died..."

It is a testimony to what a good mood a nooky-related debate puts me in that one of my first thoughts was not "oh sweet Jesus I'm going to get hit" but was instead "And that's how Jenny died..."


Near Death Experience 3:
I turn out of Starbucks having collected myself and improved my mood with the acquisition of coffee (and by 'coffee' I basically mean milkshake), and two intersections over discover I have missed a giant accident (a regular car vs. one of those giant trucks carrying cars) by about five minutes.




In other news, my ovaries have decided to become very painful for absolutely no reason.  I am, theoretically 8dpo (but who knows - I'm thinking 0dpo is more accurate) and it. hurts.  It reminds me of Clomid or when I was full of eggs for IVF - you know that feeling like you did some ridiculously intense work out yesterday, but for some reason all of the soreness has decided to be centrally located in your uterus?  No me gusta.

And no, there's not one part of me - not one tiny bit! - that thinks this is a pregnancy symptom.  Not even convinced I ovulated.  I am fully anticipating a period of death.

The sister-in-law arrives on Monday.  I must clean house.  I am handling this as I normally would, by staring at the mess from my couch and thinking "shit I should probably do something about this soon".  

So I predict a weekend full of everyone's favorite game, "What's that smell coming from the fridge?"

I'm also hurling my husband on the roof.  Not for any domestic purpose other than to figure out what the fuck that damn neighbor is still digging for.  Koi pond my ass!  And yes, this is a brilliant plan that will in no way result in my husband breaking something.

And last but not least - I am low on secrets for Secret Sunday.  Send me some!  C'mon.  Pretty please? Isn't it enough that I've narrowly escaped death?









46 comments:

  1. Ok, I am sending a secret Sunday (I tried to shorten that to SS but that just looks wrong in every kind of way) secret your way, but this time I am going to have to go for anonimity. Tooooooo embarrassing by far.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, sod that, name and shame me, I am not proud!

      Delete
    2. Yes, YESSS! Amazing EmHart stepping up to the plate!

      Delete
  2. Wow, you had a crazy day yesterday! Hopefully that's all your near death experiences done with and you can relax :)

    Oh, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who spends more time thinking about cleaning the house than actually, y'know, cleaning it!

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    1. No way, dude. I'm like those crazy people on hoarders that doesn't really SEE the mess until someone comes and intervenes. I am comforted by my filth, damnit!

      Delete
  3. Hoping there have been no further near-death experiences! We can't lose you!! Good luck cleaning...we keep saying we want to get a cleaning person but we need to clean the house first. lol

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    Replies
    1. Ha!

      Funny you should mention it as-we-speak I have a sort of gift certificate for a cleaning person on my fridge, but I'm insanely thinking I'll still have to wait to use it because I can't handle the pressure of having to have it cleaning-person-clean NOW.

      I like to play it fast and loose - bring on the nervous breakdown on Sunday.

      Delete
  4. Ryan Reynolds all the way! I love some Gosling - like melt in my seat from the Notebook when he's hanging from the ferris wheel- and did you SEE him in Drive?- LURVE him - but Reynolds would make you laugh - and for a man who can make me laugh - I will do... just about anything.

    Hence why I married a comedian ;-).

    Stay alive! Stop playing favorites with homeless men! It makes the other ones jealous!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Jessica! OH SWEET JESSICA!

      You are here, my lovely little mouse!

      And no. You are hilarious and I know this for a fact, and while I haven't been able to officially sniff around your terrified husband YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS ABOUT RYAN REYNOLDS.

      14 years of friendship right out the damn window because you used the word LAUGH and REYNOLDS in the same sentence.

      I'm done. DONE I TELL YOU.

      Delete
  5. Ryan Gosling. Hands down. No competition. Be still my heart.

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  6. Jenny, scenario #1, while maybe the least dangerous, is the most terrifying. I would have pooped my pants. SO happy you made it.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I nearly pooped my pants. And PRE-Mexican food, no less.

      Nothing beats the time, however, when I was still living in West Hollywood and a homeless man stood up on a bus stop bench and yelled at me for five minutes about being Scarlet Johansen 'in disguise'. (A story on theme not only for the relation to homeless men, but because I believe Ryan Reynolds has made a trip to Scarlet's nooners).

      For the record, I look nothing - I repeat, nothing nothing nothing - like her. A very good disguise, indeed.

      Delete
    2. AHHH. I am so easily frightened, and I don't handle bizarre confrontations well. So yeah, I would have curled up and died. (Or ran, why the f did you stand there and take it for 5 minutes? ha)

      You CANNOT escape Ryan Reynolds.

      Delete
    3. I freeze. I freeze!

      Something in my Stupid Stork head, even if the person doing something weird is clearly out of their minds goes "make them laugh! That'll fix it!"

      And it ALWAYS happens to me. Always! They seek me out! Bub is frightened to go out in public with me! I'm not even particularly approachable looking!

      I will escape. I will escape on the back of a majestic dragon whose name is Ryan Gosling.

      Delete
  7. Damn woman...you know how to have a full day....and somehow you are able to put a spin on it to leave me in tears and maybe even a little tinkle in my pants...

    I'm sticking with my Ryan Reynolds thing....I agree, he does know how to make a woman laugh....

    Good luck getting things ready for the SIL....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. FALSE. Just FALSE.

      I may, in the future, have to just take a straight Reynolds vs. Gosling vote. A death match.

      Delete
  8. Holy hell, glad you are not dead! Those other people need to just settle down, NOW. Thank you for living and for not being another asshole to that first guy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha - your welcome for living! I try so hard.

      Always I find myself in these situations somehow. Al. Ways. Can never keep my mouth shut and the one time I do I get yelled at. Unbelievable.

      Delete
  9. Glad you made it through the day through a few close calls. I just had to put in my two cents on the Battle of the Ryans. I love them both equally. It's true. I really do. I couldn't pick one or the other, I just couldn't. And I am SHOCKED that Reynolds doesn't do it for you. Did you even SEE The Proposal???? Be still my heart.

    But here's who you forgot: CHRIS PINE

    I kid you not. Google "Chris Pine" and look at the images. Wow. Just... Wow. He is some kind of hot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did see the Proposal!

      I'm not a Sandra Bullock lady, either - but I saw it for Betty White. When and where is this Reynolds related laughter happening? I have clearly missed it!

      You cannot love them equally. I object. They're both drowning. Who do you save? WHO DO YOU SAVE?

      Holy hotness Batman... That guy has some eyes on him.

      Delete
  10. Both drowning?!?!? Oh god, in that case, I might hop in and drown with them. A world without either Ryan is no world I want to live in. Unless Chris Pine is still around. If Chris Pine is still around, I would toss the life saver to whichever Ryan was closer and call it a day.

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  11. I'm not sure what's funnier, your post or these comments! Thanks for the visit to my blog and Happy ICLW :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Here from ICLW- LOVE the name of your blog!

    Thanks for your amazing comment on my blog. I love reading your posts here and will definitely follow! Hopefully you are all out of near death experiences for this week!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The month! I'm hoping I'm out for the MONTH.

      Delete
  13. So glad you made it out alive!! And I agree #1 was the scariest scenario for me...I would scream bloody murder!!!

    Is the neighbor hiding a body?? watch out!

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    Replies
    1. I have no idea what's going on with the neighbor... In defense of my nosey-ness I have let this go on for nearly 3 weeks without taking a peak. 3 weeks!

      If you don't hear from me by Monday, you'll know something has gone astray with my plan.

      Delete
  14. Egad. I think I'd order in for a while. :)

    Hope your ovaries feel better.

    Have you ever heard the song "The Leftovers are Coming to Get Me"? You need to go find it right now ...

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    1. Ahahah!

      That song is basically going to be my weekend. Fighting my leftovers to the death. Or you know, covering my nose in another room and silently cheering on Bub vs. the fridge. ;)

      Delete
  15. Wow, finding your blog today was exactly what I needed! You are hilarious. Thanks for cheering me up!

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  16. Oh my!! You're like a cat with 9 lives! I hope nothing else happens! Scary stuff :-/
    I loved the do-him list!! That was so fun!! You are so creative and have the best ideas! :-D
    Ouchies about your ovaries :-( I hope the pain subsides soon. xo

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    1. I am done - DONE with the close encounters. Minus my husband-on-roof-to-spy-on-murderous-neighbors plan.

      Delete
  17. How are the ovaries feeling today? It's crazy that they just started hurting now after O, if you did I guess. Mine have actually been hurting since last Friday. I have never had it last this long and still no O. Ovaries are so damn difficult.

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    1. Mother effing mother denying ovaries.

      I am still feeling all wonky and goofy in my uterine region. Damnit.

      Delete
  18. Moral of the story: procuring food and beverages is dangerous business. Glad you made it out alive!

    I was going to comment on the do-him post, but I suck and can't think of five guys. And you'll think I suck even worse when I tell you that I prefer Reynolds to Gosling, but only when he's in a comedy. (Green Lantern - what was he thinking???)

    Anyway, love your writing style! So funny. I will be back for more. :)

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    1. Where are these alleged Reynolds comedies?! Is this man funny? Is this the standard of funny?! We can do better! What has happened to us?!?!

      Agreed - dangerous business! I am two shakes of a lambs tail away from just calling it a day and being agoraphobic.

      Delete
    2. Have you never seen The Proposal? I fell deeply in love with him during that movie.

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    3. I did! Very cute movie.. However, there's just something in that guys eyes where I think "he's a little weasel who is very impressed with himself".

      I know, I know... What is wrong with me..

      Delete
  19. I am a fan of both actors but Gosling is way more hot. Blue Valentine, Drive, and Crazy, Stupid, Love: I swoon. However, I think Reynolds nailed this scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCpOZ9Wfy9k
    Next time my To-Do list will include Michael Fassbender.

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    Replies
    1. Googling Michael Fassbender...

      YESS.

      What the hell do I know that guy from...

      Delete
    2. Did you see Inglorious Basterds?

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    3. Yes! I LOVE that movie. Which one is he in that?

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    4. He was Lt. Archie Hicox. He was the one who was busted in the German bar for showing the number 3 wrong on his hand. He also said my favorite lines in the whole movie: "Well, if this is it, old boy, I hope you don't mind if I go out speaking the King's. There's a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch. Seeing as how I may be rapping on the door momentarily..."

      Delete