Get Your Bologna Out of My Vaj

Greetings ladies.

I'm going to explode.  No seriously you should back up otherwise you're going to get something on you.

Warning - this is going to get quasi-political.  And though I can sense out in the ether some followers perhaps clicking the 'unfollow' button, some lurkers deciding that their time is better spent hiding in someone else's bush (pun intended and awesome) and some ICLWers innocently arriving here and falling victim to my wrath..  This is, after all, among other things a place to vent, right? Today you are going to get my not altogether organized and somewhat hostile thoughts.

I need old men to stop talking about my vaj.  Like, yesterday.

Who knew - all these years I've been thinking my uterus was empty, getting sad about it and working myself into a frenzy that can only be compared to a woman that's been watching Steel Magnolia's (the Sally Field version, please) for 2 days straight and this whole time it's been occupied!  It wasn't empty at all, ladies!  It was occupied!

By an adorable growing baby with Bub's brains and my wit?  No.  By hundreds of tiny decrepit aging white men in suits and invariably red ties.  They have crawled up there in the middle of the night like little uterine elves, raised up an American flag and have since been making discoveries - okay sure, they defy the logic of science, common sense and any form of morality but discoveries just the same! - and coming to quite the interesting conclusions.

Oh, and I would abort them but apparently that's going to be illegal soon.  I'll get back to you on what they decide.

For those of you who may have missed it, or those who are the delightful residents of countries that do not have the access to time machines and therefor aren't dealing with men from the 1950's (and earlier) popping up like a sudden colony of unstoppable cockroaches - a sweet looking bumbly man named Richard Mourdock, who is a representative in Indiana, made a fascinating little declaration yesterday:

"I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that’s something God intended to happen."

Drink it in, ladies, drink. it. in.

To be fair, the link I included was one that includes his... defense of himself.  (Oh lawdy I need a shower).

Now I have openly admitted on here that I am a bleeding-heart liberal (I can feel some of your mouses hovering over the unfollow button - I'm fairly open minded I swear) but I do not believe this is a Us vs. Them issue.  It is a vaj issue.

That being said - this lovely little picture was circling around the interwebs yesterday which is.. a Greatest Hits, if you will, of the rape comments that have been made in the last year (with a bonus track from the 90s).

Again, I believe this is a vaj issue.  I would like to, in my silly little mind, think that Republican women hear things like this, think it's disgusting and say to the closest man wearing a tie "No seriously, shut the fuck up about rape for the sake of the party, at least".

My writing partner Kali came over last night to do some work, and as we were procrastinating and eating pizza we watched CNN essentially going over some of the things, including yesterday's gem, that has been terrifying women with any sense about them.

Bare in mind that Kali is single, childless, highly successful, Jewish, and in possession of a vagina.  I am loud mouth, for all intents and purposes Mexican, also in possession of a vagina.  This talk is starting to make her think that she is going to have horns glued to her head and it's starting to make me think I'm going to probably end up being burnt for witchcraft at some point.

I don't want to get into an abortion debate, but the argument being made for this comment (yes, there is one) is that he's simply stating his opinion that a life is a life is a life.

Here goes.  I am pro-choice.  And people who are pro-life, while I respect you, you need to start calling yourself pro-birth because most of you seem to want all babies to be born and then not give a shit about them once they are (we don't want to give that poor woman forced into having her 9th child money, after all, we want her to earn it).  And as I've said before - if I had been 16 and pregnant (ha! always the clown) maybe I would've had an abortion or maybe I would've been thoroughly disgusted by the very idea - it doesn't matter because regardless, there's no fucking way I would've told you what to do.

And PS, and possibly my greatest pro-choice argument, by making abortions illegal you are by no means stopping abortion.  YOU ARE STOPPING SAFE ABORTIONS.

The idea that we are pointing at other countries and fully understanding that the fact that they are run by religion instead of democracy, and hold their women (and other second class citizens) up to psychotic standards of taking-it-up-the-ass is wrong and the cause of a lot of grief, is awesome.  The fact that some of these people who thoroughly understand that about those 'others', those 'boogie' men, and then want to turn around and 'fix' this country by allowing it to be run by a particular religion and holding all citizens (believers or infidels) up to those standards is mind-boggling.

If I have to start referring to a certain weird section of America as the Tealiban to get my point across, so be it.

And for G-ds sake - anyone making the argument that our forefathers were Christians creating a Christian nation, read a book. Any book.

This shouldn't even be a religious or political issue.  This should be a batshit insane, get out of my vajayjay issue.

So basically,  women who do not want to have children and can't take care of them are going to have to have them (and get very little help once they do), women who need IVF will not be able to have them, and fuck the gays who are looking to adopt.

So for those of us keeping score - if you are physically able to have kids but totally irresponsible to take care of them, you are born Mothers and should accept G-ds gift.  If you are physically unable to have kids but are responsible, ready, and put more thought into it than a bottle of tequila could provide - sorry, you're screwed.  G-ds will, dontchaknow.

There are people (oh yes indeed) making the argument that this isn't even going to matter to some people because the real issue is the economy.

Not for me.

Frankly, I am fine financially, excellent in fact (and ps - having said that, I do not mind the tiniest bit paying extra taxes to help those who aren't, knowing full damn well that there's some people taking advantage simply because there are people who are not). I understand that jobs are a huge fucking problem and need to be looked at - but on a personal note?  I'll vote where gay rights are, because even if I agreed with a candidate everywhere else (and thankfully I don't) I have no business looking my best friend in the eye and telling him that my finances are more important than his entire life.  I will also be voting for my vagina and yours.

The idea that anyone is wasting any time redefining rape (and that they all seem to have a penis) in 2012 is fucking disgusting.

As women, we are violated far more often than these men can seem to understand.

Even if you have never been raped, the likelihood of you not knowing someone who has been is slim to none (whether you know it or not).  And even if you dodged that bullet, you live with it every day.  We check our backseats before we get into our car at night, shake in our boots when we walk to that car alone, deal with catcalls and aggressiveness, jump every time we hear a creak in our house.  You may not have been a victim of rape, but I guarandamntee you you have at least one daily habit that has become second nature that's sole purpose is avoiding rape.  The bravest of the brave of us have a regular fear that we live with.

I am thinking that a week in a maximum security prison may change these mens' tunes on rape, and do not tell me that if men were the ones who carried children we would even be discussing abortion.  As I read somewhere - there would be more abortion clinics than Starbucks.

This does not become a magical and G-d ordained experience simply if your rapists sperm meets up with your egg.  (And by the way, 31 states still allow, in that case, your rapist visitation rights).

So what makes women feel better about sexual assault in a world where it is an everyday fear to begin with? Why, redefining it, of course!  We've just been too strict and harsh with this concept, don't you agree?  It's nice to think that in this world there are both rapists and men who will view it in a soft light providing it results in conception.  That doesn't make me feel violated at all!

I would thoroughly appreciate it, old men stomping around in my uterus and making themselves comfy, if you could get stricter on rape instead of more lenient, stop associating it in any way with a miraculous child, and for chrissakes certainly don't bring G-d into it (again - Jesus. would be.  MORTIFIED).


Ahhhh... and PS - yesterdays big news items -

1. Donald Trump offered 5 million dollars for the President to release his passport and college records (not racist at all!).
2. Ann Coulter (who is essentially Rush Limbaugh but with a more pronounced Adam's apple) repeatedly called the President a retard and
3. The rape hits just keep on coming

All coincided with a Holiday.  Can you guess what holiday it was?

Anyone?

National Bologna Day.  No shit.

(And if you haven't read it - a special needs gentleman responded to Ann Coulter in an open letter.  It is lovely and awesome, and does not have an ounce of the hostility that I have over her comments.. suffice it to say he could certainly teach me more than a thing or two).