Friday, November 30, 2012

Pregnant vs. Unpregnant

Happy Friday, my darlings!

I am going to say upsetting things.  It is Friday, however, when people flee the internet for 3 days like cockroaches in daylight.

As we speak I am sitting in delightfully new pajama pants counting down the minutes until it is socially acceptable to order some Italian for dinner.  Bub has a work thing tonight so I am solo and ironically watching Home Alone to get in the mood to put Christmas decorations up.

Holiday movie, or snuff film?  You decide.


There has been some weird shit going on in the blogosphere with the whole pregnant person vs. non pregnant person thing.  

If you think I'm talking about something that happened on your blog - probably, but I can count no less than 7 incidents in the last couple of weeks that I'm drawing from so you'd be one of many.  Namely with snarky comments and general weirdness. (Oh, I'm also referencing an in real life incident)

Now somehow by the grace of Tom Cruise I have only ever gotten one comment that I believe was meant to insult me (weirdly enough I believe it was meant to say that my dislike of Twilight is a step back for the woman's movement) and only ever read a couple of blog entries that made me say, out loud, in my best Whitney Houston voice "hellllll to the nah" and unfollow.

So by me being general with this, you're not really missing out on any juicy gossip.  I'm just talking about the weird divide between people who are already knockedupensphritzel and people who are still in the trenches.

So I submit for your approval, from a completely unqualified and goofy full-of-love place in my heart, some of my ideas on what should be our general rules and guidelines.


Thoughts for the unpregnant:

Let me start this by saying, I am not pregnant.  I was pregnant this summer for about 30 seconds, and it did not end well.

I'll be the first to strip off and jump into the pool here and be honest.  There are about... 5-7 ladies that when they got pregnant/should they get pregnant, I am/will be genuinely happy for.

Lemme back up a minute - if someone is not on that list of 5-7, it doesn't mean I'm not at all happy for them or that I wish them ill will (fuck no, settle down) it just means that some percentage of me, upon hearing of their pregnancy, goes "Of Fucking Course".

(And by all means - if there is someone who would like to leave me shivering in the water here and claim that they've never had that response to a pregnancy, please reveal yourself so I can point at you and make my best home alone face).

I don't think the girls who have 'graduated' from infertility will begrudge us this - the vast majority seem completely sensitive to this, and even in the midst of their happiness go to great pains to point out which entries are going to be mildly and/or greatly upsetting to people still in the trenches.

(I'd like to state for the record here that I am not referring to the very few, as the lovely EmHart puts it, 'born again fertiles' who seemingly immediately forget their entire struggle... Those people are an entirely separate breed that requires a post of their own - I'm just talking about the majority of pregnant infertiles.)

I don't think there's anything wrong with, if you're not in a place for it, taking a step back from a pregnant blog if it's too much for you.  And I think the pregnant understand that. There's enough misery involved with being around pregnant people in real life that I don't think we have to push ourselves too hard in online life - don't make yourself completely miserable to avoid taking away one one millionth of a persons complete happiness. (And I really think that the vast majority preggos get that).

But here's what we can try our very, very best to do.

The ones you're close to, the ones you feel a connection with - do your very, very best to maintain it. Much more than likely after an infertile gets pregnant there are going to be weeks/months where they are absolutely terrified and still, do not in any way shape or form, relate to fertile people.

I've been traveling this road for three years, and I've had one loss.  I can safely say that, should I end up pregnant again, there will be no blind celebration.  There will be no immediately telling everyone (except you people).  There is no longer an automatic connection in my mind between pregnancy and a healthy baby, that ship has sailed - and I think I can speak for the pregnant in saying for most of them, that ship has sailed too.

Also, should I become pregnant, I swear on a stack of religious pamphlets I will not begrudge people who take a step back from my blog (although in my particular case, I tend to blog about other things anyway and I don't see that changing).  There are, however, a few girls who I'm particularly close to who I would expect to try - the operative word here being try - their best to rally around me.  Mostly because I will be terrified, I detest fertile people, and if you can manage it I don't want to be abandoned in my scariest moment.

So what I think we can try to do is ask ourselves 'am I one of those few people that if I left them alone right now, they'd be genuinely hurt?' and then do our best not to do that.  If it's some new person you're following or someone you don't have a particular connection with - life's too short.  If you have one, try to keep it.

Also, they're going to be complaining about pregnancy symptoms.  This can be a bit trying - but I think we can try our very best to keep in mind that they're of course grateful, just terrified.  Sympathy for the terror is really my greatest request.

Something I literally struggle with everyday is to remind myself that by a woman getting pregnant, she's not taking a pregnancy away from me.  Dumb luck has thus far taken a pregnancy away from me.  (I'm all for thinking fertiles have taken away pregnancies - fuck those bitches).

And we can try - at least for those 3-7 women that we're closer to - to keep in mind that when we're pregnant, after we've all been through we probably will barely be able to handle the guilt that we have built in, much less any additional guilt being put on us.  


Thoughts for the Pregnant:

Much like my thoughts for the unpregnant were strictly about pregnant former infertiles and not the 'born again' fertiles, my thoughts for the pregnant will strictly be about people who are still in the trenches and have been there for awhile.  Those girls who have been trying for two months - screw them.  I'm bouncing them out of the club.

I have an infertile acquaintance who just had a previously infertile friend tell her she should 'be grateful for her infertility'.  And then proceed to give her the speech - you know the one - about how her life has meaning now that she has kids, she just understands so much more now, things she couldn't have possibly known before!

I know you agree - How.  Rude.  How in the name of Jodi Sweetin does someone say something like that?

Here's the thing.  Accidentally or on purpose, occasionally when someone gets pregnant they immediately assume that all other infertiles are going to get pregnant, and that now that they are pregnant, they can see the situation much more rationally.

It is - and I think we can all agree here - never appropriate to tell someone in the trenches anything other than "this fucking sucks that you're going through this and I am so pissed on your behalf". Jazz it up with your own words a bit, but you get the jist.

If you had recently beaten cancer, you would not go into the chemotherapy room, plop your now 20 lbs heavier body next to the sickly sucking on their popsicles, wolf down a burger and between swallows say "Oh my gawd you guys, you're going to be so thankful for this down the road".  Because none of them know if they're going to get where you are (and neither do you) and some of them just won't.

Most of us are married - or at least have girlfriends, boyfriends, partners, etc. etc. I happen to be happily married.  I have - maybe - a few helpful tidbits of advice, when asked, on marriage (that would work in at least.. my marriage).  Finding Bub, being in the position to even start a relationship?  Luck.

Should my 16 year old sister in law and I get into a discussion on love, I will tell her one day she's going to meet someone fantastic and if she wants to get married, she can.

When my 35 year old already divorced friend comes home from a blinddate and tells me that midway through dinner the guy cleaned his ears out with his keys, and then when they got back to his house disappeared into his bathroom for 20 minutes and at one point shouted "release the kracken!", I do not tell her this was all a necessary experience that is going to earn her love.  (By the way - true story).I tell her that guy is a douchebag and that I'm hopeful for her, because there's only one reason I found Bub and she's on dates with kracken guy and that's luck.

My point is, with someone who's been in the trenches for awhile I think it's best to be pissed on her behalf, and optimistic for her at the same time without being condescending. Ask yourself when you're talking to her "am I in any way making this sound like I earned this, and she hasn't yet?"

Because - I'm sure you'll remember - for the most part it feels like we're all on the Titanic.  Some girls got on a lifeboat when they were first available and not squished, and some of us are in the freezing cold water balancing ourselves on doors with that damn dead weight Leo.  It's helpful to keep in mind, during communication, that if you got on a lifeboat, even if you don't feel lucky (because after all, you were on the Titanic to begin with) it's looking pretty sweet from the water.  Do your very very best to avoid complaining about your lifeboat too much in front of those of us stuck in the water.


Thoughts for All Sisters-in-Shittiness:

If anyone's particularly nasty to you, cut em' loose.  I'm all for spirited debate - gawd knows people don't always agree with me and I am wildly impressed that when they don't, minus 1/2 of an occasion, they express it in a way that makes me think.

But if they're expressing it in a way that's purpose is to make you feel shitty or stupid? Let me know if I need to go to bat for you, and try your best to guffaw at the situation (and maybe feel a little bad for them).

I'm adding this inspired by a note - I think another thing that we can all try to keep in mind... Should I get pregnant, there are going to be gajillions of infertiles who 'deserve' it more - who have battled far longer than me and with far worse circumstances.  Likewise, there are going to be gajillions of people (particularly in real life) who have three kids, all conceived very easily, who 'deserve' it less than me.

Unfortunately, the line of people who get sent home after this war isn't organized by who has the most battle scars.  (If it was, we'd have far happier children and far less orphanages - but it is what it is).  I think we should all try our very, very best to accept this (which is close to impossible).  If we could come close to accepting it, however, I think when we're happy we'd have less of it taken away by the sadness of others, and when we're sad we'd be less likely to be catapulted into an even deeper sadness.  (And that's kind of the constant battle of this community, in a nutshell).

And pregnant or unpregnant, much like this cock-or-two, try to step a few feet out of your cage every once in awhile and apropos of nothing say to the world "bitch, I'm fabulous".




58 comments:

  1. It's always sad when the people who should be able to give the most support are hurtful. I remember some ridiculous drama at the beginning of this year on Fertility Friend, where someone was really scared in her first trimester, and other people on the board started bitching her out for being "negative". Even though those people had had losses and knew there was a reason for her to be anxious. Ugh. Why are we so mean to each other?

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    1. Yeah, from one end it would be nice to, once you're pregnant, at least be able to keep close the ones that you were especially close to before. From our end, it would be nice if people remembered what it was like before they got pregnant...

      That's the thesis to what I wrote, I think. Knock off the insensitivity as best you can, in either camp.

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  2. Thank you for writing this. Just THANK YOU. I am actually one of those people who if I were to get pregnant, you would say, oh, of COURSE! I only tangentially belong in this community and if I were to get pregnant again I would feel incredibly guilty because the truth is I don't deserve it nearly as much as 99.9999% of the women in this community. That is just the truth.

    This kind of thing happens in this community all the time. Shit just implode. And when it does we need clear-seeing bloggers like you to remind us of what we need to be doing, how we need to be acting. Sometimes the pain just overwhelms us, sometimes we finally arrive and lose our heads. Sometimes the drudgery of it just dampens out spirits and minds and leaves us numb. And sometimes we just need someone to shine a light on all of it for us.

    Thanks for being that person.

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    1. Gracias lady! You're too kind.

      And you bring up an excellent point which made me edit this - when any of us gets pregnant, there are going to be women who 'deserve' it more because they've been battling it more, and when we're not pregnant there are going to be pregnant women who don't 'deserve' it as much as we do. So I think we should all try our best to say fuck it to the concept of 'deserve', because that's unfortunately not how this situation is organized.

      Glad you poked your head out! ;)

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  3. Incredibly well said... as always! Here's my take on things, from 'the other side'.

    This is in large part why PAIL started... to provide those who have made it to the other side of this bitchy river we are all trying to cross some support. As understandable as it is (and I don't say that lightly), it is a hard thing to watch your support network vanish when you get pregnant or have a baby. And as you so rightly point out, there is nothing more terrifying than a pregnancy after battling IF. Except perhaps the fear of losing that baby to some freak accident or illness (my Ginny is two, and I still check to make sure she's breathing every night before I go to bed).

    My point... those pregnant and parenting after/through infertility need support too. If someone can't give it, I don't begrudge her that. I've been there. I get it. But that doesn't change my need to feel heard or to seek out support. And coming to the pregnant/parenting land via IF makes it hard to fit in with the fertile mommy-bloggers.

    Last thing (I promise)... Just because I'm parenting now does not mean that I don't remember where I came from, and what I went through to get here. I am still trying to figure out my bloggy-voice now, but I know that a large part of who I am to be is a support for those still in the trenches.

    Ok, I'm done. :)

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    1. Agreed! I try my very very best to imagine what it would be like to actually be pregnant at the end of all this... And yeah, I still want nothing to fucking do with fertile people.

      And I thiiiink on the end of the unpregnant-treatment-of-pregnant people end, if everyone could agree to just support 3 - 3! - women still once they are pregnant that everyone would be better for it.

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  4. Let me start with:I love you my dear!!!!

    Secondly, you have nailed it. I've been caught up in some personal shit this last week, so kind of out of the loop. But you have said what needs to be said. Let's face it, the only reason I have a kid is because I got lucky. Yeah I feel blessed and all that crap, but I just got lucky. I lost followers when I got pregnant, I was sad, but totally understood. I never unfollowed anyone, but I may not have been as active a reader when someone got knocked up before me. Now as I jump on the TTC #2 and bloggers I know get their second, it's just like the first time. I congratulate them, but may have to step away, except for those select few.

    Thirdly, if I ever do or say anything that says anything other than it sucks to be in the trenches and I'm angry for you, bitch slap me, please?

    So thank you for this....thank you for reminding us why we are here...for love and support no matter where we are on our journey. and I agree fuck those fertile bitches. Especially the celebrity fertiles....

    Ps did I tell you I love you? Cos damn I do!

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    1. I love you!

      And oh I'll bitch slap you, I'll bitch slap the hell out of you.

      And yes - agreed, celebrity fertiles are the WORST. But what drives me batshit is the suspiciously high number of twins in celebrity world and the suspiciously low number of celebrities mentioning infertility. I mean gawd knows I don't like too many public displays of private life so I don't suggest they all have to go out on a public campaign of any kind but you know, MENTION it.

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  5. In the name of an unholy love affair between Kimmi Gibbler and Uncle Jesse, thank you for this. Thank you. I related to what you said about pure dumb luck. It's the only explanation I have for what happened to me (well, that and Tom Cruise, duh). I believe I have probably been dubbed an "of course she did" girl by many who resented I got pregnant "easily" after mega doses of metformin and 2 rounds of the right dose of Clomid. But damnit! I went 12 months with no ovulation/periods and cried at sanitary napkin commercials for a year. I paid my dues into a club I had no desire to be a member of.I'm with you though. I don't begrudge those still writing monthly checks to Club Notknockedupnstuff who don't read me anymore regardless of how I got here. I have done the same. And like you, I have blog friends who got knocked up while I was in the trenches who I have supported no matter what. Now that I have "crossed over" I'm paying my club dues to Pregnantandpetrified Total Fitness. I'm terrified of losing this pregnancy even though I am extremely grateful that I even have a chance to experience this terror. I have not gone on any of the pregnancy sites because they are populated with fertiles who use words like "baby dust" and "hun" and "you can try again next month". I look to IF bloggers as my only support lifeline right now--the only people I relate to. I give you a gold star for having the balls of ovaries to write this post. It's a topic that deserves very candid discussion in this community.

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    1. Christ on a cracker...the "baby dust" thing makes me want to spew. I know the fertiles of the world are looking at it as some kind of lovely magical sparkly fertility fairy glitter. But it could just as easily be some sort of ground-up dessicated baby bits that you put in your witches' brew along with your eye of newt and skin of toad. I'll pass, thanks.

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    2. Best return comment ever!

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    3. I heart you, Sunny. I cannnnnnnot deal with those sites anymore. Cannot! The still-trying side is full of babydust and 22 year olds, and I can only imagine what the pregnant side looks like.

      And Aramis, you had me at Christ on a cracker. Perhaps with some baby Cheesus.

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    4. Oops, I will never use the term 'baby dust' again - sorry LOL! I've been trying for a LONG time, but I think it's a nice way to say good luck. It is kinda dumb though, I guess. ;-/

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  6. Gurl. This is amazing. I think too often people lose sight of that one thing we are all here for: support! We all know what it is like to wear the crappy infertility hat and the most important thing is that we support each other through whatever part of our journey we are on and at the same time be empathetic and understanding of where each of us are. LOVE you and your ability to write out what needs to be read. P.S. I freaken loved you on the podcast!

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    1. Yesss - agreed! If we could all just be a *teensy* more sensitive of the other side of the fence (whichever side that is) we'd all be better for it.

      and haha I'm glad you enjoyed the podcast.. I barely remember doing it because it was so early and I was so full of phlegm.

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  7. I'm glad you put it all out there. I'm not an eloquent writer, but I chose to blog so I could connect to other women going through what I was going through. In the beginning, I even found some blogs that I liked of women who had just received BFP's. During the first few weeks of blogging, some of them held onto their pregnancies and are far along by now and some lost their pregnancies. Those that are still pregnant were not "meant to be" and those that didn't were "just not meant to be". It's luck like you said. And my nurses always remind me it's a numbers game. Before ever trying to get pregnant and even before I was married, I used be one of those people that believed "things happen for a reason" (yes I was naive back then). Now I know that things happen. People will say that things happen for a reason to make themselves feel better or to help cope with the situation. If that helps them that is great, but don't tell me that I was meant to struggle to get pregnant and that life will be better because of it. It's just not true. I am a recent BFP blogger. I had a good first beta and it doubled in 48 hours, but now I'm waiting to get an ultrasound in a couple of weeks. I in no way can relate to fertiles. We are still infertile and always will be. I need this community because no one else understands. I am not celebrating or telling anyone (other than the blog world) and I don't know if/when it will ever feel safe to celebrate. I am hoping for the best and am prepared for the worst b/c that is what being an infertile is. I have stood by many pregnant infertile bloggers and if things go well for me, I hope to keep my regulars b/c I will need them throughout my entire journey.

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    1. One, you are an eloquent writer.... I do not recall ever having read a "2" instead of a "too" on your blog so you're ahead of the game - ahead! ;)

      Oh I haaaate the idea that I was MEANT to go through this. You know what? I've already been through shit before this. And secondly, even if I was 'meant' to get a learning experience out of this - it's been learned. I'm just numb now and we're beating a dead horse, universe.

      And screw those fertile bitches! I want no part of them even after I get pregnant (hopefully hopefully).

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  8. This was perfectly written/worded. After I wrote my post I thought about "sister in shittiness" and wondered what happened to that sisterhood. I think it is still there, just maybe in a transitional phase? All the weirdness sucks and sometimes it is really hard to know what the right words are in a situation that is not the same as yours. Your idea about continued support of those that you have connected with, no matter where they are in this difficult path is a great idea. This is exactly what I'm going to do. So don't worry, Girl, I'm not going anywhere!

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    1. Good. Because I will hunt you down and beat you.

      was that harsh?

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  9. I love to support my pregnant infertiles! I totally understand how scary it is to get that BFP and wonder what will happen (and it's mostly bad thoughts mixed with a few nice thoughts). That is definitely a time that people need big time support. I think it would be pretty shitty to leave someone hanging like that, I mean especially if it's someone you've been following for awhile.

    I've had people say they were jealous of me because I CAN get pregnant, but don't even get me started on that one!! LOL. I can see a lot of people quitting following me (people that have been following for a long time) once I finally do (If I finally do) stay pregnant, but that's kinda messed up IMHO. Especially since I have lost every pregnancy for the past 4 years - and I've supported them loyally.

    If I've just popped up a blog where someone is pregnant, I might not follow - or if it's someone I barely know...although some of them have great stories and good tips or something like that I might want for later. It's exciting, and I kind of live vicariously through my pregnant friends :-)

    But yeah, I totally get you, and I think most of what you said is what we all feel. I hope I'm on your "list" ;-) hehe. You are on mine!!

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    1. Lisa, I would imagine if anyone has any hopes of keeping all their readers after being knocked up it would be you. Good Lord woman you really do continue the support campaign after someone's knocked up - I admittedly don't have it in me.

      So you, yes, you I will allow to be bitter and hostile if you lose more than one or two followers post-baby. You're the one.

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    2. <3 Thank you. I hope so! <3 *smooch*

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  10. Confession time: I have unfollowed exactly two blogs while still in the trenches because the bloggers pissed me off. (One complained about how difficult it was for her to get pregnant - omg, y'all, it took three tries! - and then proceeded to complain nonstop about how awful pregnancy was. The other was a genuine IFer who quickly abandoned those of still waiting for our babies once she became pregnant. Sorry, chickie, but it you can't still support me in my non-pregnant state, I'm not in a place to support you in your pregnant one.) However, I have never dumped on them on their own blog. That's just bad form. By all means stop following if a pregnant blogger's posts are causing you pain, but it does no one any good to lash out at them.

    I know that there are people who have probably stopped reading my blog. I expected it and I accept it. I have no hard feelings. But I'm so thankful for the ladies who have stuck with me. Pregnancy after IF really is scary. I had no idea how terrifying it would be until I got there. I know that I'm extremely lucky to even have the opportunity to be scared shitless, and there is a heap-load of guilt around that, so I'm incredibly grateful to anyone who can put up with my ramblings and offer me support.

    Anyway, I think this post serves a great reminder for all of us in this community to remain sensitive and kind. I hope I haven't (or ever) become one of those smug, condescending pregnant ladies who offer meaningless platitudes and "it'll happen for you! I just know it!" bullshit. If I do, I hope someone calls me out on it, or just smacks me upside the head.

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    1. I will smack you across the head with my left breast and it is the heaviest.

      See but yooouuu do something awesome, too - you actually blog about other things. Pregnancy, sure, but also unrelated shenanigans which I THOROUGHLY appreciate from all bloggers. Sometimes it's good to have reminders that there are other parts to the lady other than uterus.

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  11. Hear, hear. Great post, Jenny. It's a bit of a touchy divide in the community. When I became pregnant I didn't want to lose my connection with my friends still struggling, but I completely understood if people would not want to keep up as much. I know I would have the same reaction with most people I followed, with maybe a few as the exception. It is probably way too painful, and they're not able to relate to the content as much. It makes sense.
    Now that I've been pregnant for a few months, it's much easier to be supportive and happy for both sides: girls cycling through, and girls finally getting their BFPs (but I don't think it would have been as easy had I not gotten mine.) It's just human nature.
    So while some of us are in different places, I think it's important that we keep a united front. Cause those damn Fertiles will never understand what any of us went through to get here.
    PS Home Alone is my favorite movie of all time.

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    1. Home Alone rocks my socks off. It always makes me want to rewind to 8 years old and perhaps eat some healthy mac & cheese.

      I also think maybe if you HAVE to jump ship on a pregnant blog, maybe try to get her through the first few months, first.. Leave when you're confident it's going to result in baby.

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  12. Word. This is especially poignant now when pretty much everyone I was getting close to seemed to get knocked up. About half of them still regularly support me and my empty uterus. The other half jumped right into those lifeboats and never looked back. I'll admit, it hurt and still does. There is one girl in particular that I am thinking of. She frequently "likes" my posts but rarely ever comments. And to add insult to injury, she got really excited when I announced my pregnancy and never bothered to console me when I experienced my loss.

    But, there are about a 5 girls that I have grown extremely close to (you included, but I won't name the other names) who I am genuinely rooting at 100% full support regardless of the status of their uterus. I'd like to keep it that way as it's about all that I can emotionally handle at this point.

    Ah, the politics of (in)fertility....

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    1. So. Much. Politics.

      And hell to the yes.. I had a few blogs that I was following in the very very beginning that the instant - the instant! - they got pregnant it became a never-ending sea of baby bumpdates and general abandonment of the non-pregnant. Which is... boring. And weird.

      Who the mother eff didn't bother to say anything about your loss? What the...

      You know you're ute is on my list.

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  13. So true...and well put!!! I don't talk about my shit with anyone but you girls. That's what we are all here for support right?? I do remember how I felt before I got pregnant. Trust me I am not lost on it. I am still that girl, I am more scared now, then I'll ever be. But I remember that feeling of failure, what is wrong with me, why can't this happen with out fucking science. Why can I not not screw my husband and get pregnant. Once and infertile always an infertile. Those feelings do not die, I still feel all of those things. Even if this pregnancy goes all the way...I will not forget this all...and I will NOT look back and forget it all either. I will not be that girl who says it was all worth it in the end, and forget all the pain....umm fuck no I will never forget having 4 miscarriages...that pain will never go away and neither will the pain of this journey. Having losses, or taking a pregnancy test for the 30th time and it being negative is heartbreak that does not go away. My best friend just went through her first IVF, and it did not work. I cry for her, I feel her pain I know her pain, and I hate it more then anything. I wish more then anything that I had a magic wand and could take away all of our bullshit that we all go through. If I ever get out of line...you my friend have every right to whip me into shape....and tell me like it is. I don't want to be that girl...ever!!!

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    1. Hahah oh I will tell you - oh I will TELL YOU. ;)

      Yeah, the whole concept of "this is meant to be!" completely pisses me off. Yes, when I finally have a kid I will be grateful on a level that the fertile people will never understand and it will make me a better parent. Understood.

      But these yeeeeaaaaarrs of having to avoid certain parties, people, crying (which is my LEAST favorite activity), getting my hopes up and then feeling unfuckingbelievably stupid when they're crushed yet again, a loss... Nope. Didn't need it. All I've learned how to do is suffer in a way that doesn't kill me, and I have that shit DOWN thank you very much. ;)

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    2. A-freaking-MEN! Couldn't agree more. This comment on a comment has connected with me so much that I have weirdly come of stalker-mode to say hello. (Long time listener, first time commenter;) Anyway, thanks for the original post. And I love this follow-up so much. "Meant to be" my ASS!

      p.s. Apologies for being "anonymous" I ain't sure just how this works yet...(I am a non-blogger, full time stalker)

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  14. Fantastic post! I must be totally out of the loop - was there another shit fight? The hardest thing you can do is tell your friend in the trenches you are having a baby - even worse when you don't enjoy it. I was gutted when after my BFP I lost blog friends. For two years of blogging I supported preggies and it hurt like hell when people stopped supporting me. But I got it. For me when PAIL was created it was the best thing ever as I still identify strongly with infertity - hello #2 - but I am now a mum. I like discussing issues from both sides. And whilst nothing tops infertility sometimes pare ting is fucking hard. Oh and don't get me started on born again fertiles.

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    1. I'm really thinking that the born-again-fertiles need their own blogpost.. because really, I think we can all hate them with equal gusto. I had an IRL acquaintance who was devastated by infertility - devastated! And within hours - HOURS - of finally getting her positive via IVF she was bitching about how rough it was going to be to plan for the second one financially. (Umm... can we just.. maybe think about this one? A little?)

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  15. "(fuck no, settle down)" ! I love the way that you write and I love that you write about the things that need to be said

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    1. Haha thanks lady! I love a girl who appreciates my potty mouth. ;)

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  16. A-friggin-men!! lol, sorry but that be all me got right now. ;)

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    1. Haha I'll take it! And a halleluuuuujahs.

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  17. "It is what it is." Really? Maybe. yeah... maybe. Can I do that though? Can I really look at all the druggie women with seven neglected children, and me with none, and think it is what it is? I'd love to. To be able to see everything that way. maybe I can settle for just often seeing it that way. That would be nice. just a little bit of that perspective, I think I can aim for that.

    And as for people being evil arsed bitches to lovely ladies who get pregnant after massive infertility issues and are a bit scared... just fuck off. Go leave nasty comments about what Katie Holmes is dressing Suri in. Vent your bitchiness there.

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    1. Oh don't get me wrong - I'm totally baffled at the people which the universe deemed 'worthy' enough to be 'fertile'. On a daily basis. A total mindfuck. And I get pissed when there's an 'infertile' who get pregnant naturally it just took them 9 months instead of the 3 they were hoping for (ahhh, to have only had my plans derailed a year). But yeah, I kind of look at 'accepting' (I use that term loosely because it's close to impossible) that this whole baby thing is not going in the order of those who have gone to battle the longest.

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  18. Maybe I'm weird or maybe it's because I'm such an "experienced" IFer (7.5 IVF/FETs... ROLL CALL!) but I actually like seeing BFP's on IF blogs. And that's the only place I like it. Don't get me wrong, it does sting, but I've been around this block so many times that I keep thinking the more BFPs from IVF just mean the overall stats must be improving, techniques developing, technological advancements made... ergo my chances must be getting better. Is that weird? But it only applies to people going through IVF. If you make a pregnancy announcementt otherwise, I momentarily (secretly and shamefully) judge your life as not being painful enough to deserve a child. That's some fucked up shit right there. (I also think IFers make the best mommies and the least annoying pregnant people.)

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    1. Maaaan I hope to be that accepting one day. I know that's completely logical - the more pregnant infertiles there are the more likely theoretically I am to get pregnant but dayum.. some days I do have to sit and count who the hell is still left in my boat.

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    2. I'm left in your boat :/. There's no one I'd rather be in a boat with :) You at least keep the humor alive (and the perspective).

      I'll never be able to afford IVF, so I can only hope that it never comes down to it being the only way for me. I'm a public servant and my husband is in the military (an NCO if you're really interested). If a doctor tells me that IVF is my only option, well, that's just not an option for me.

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  19. Firstly, I'm so so sorry if my unfollowing blogs has upset anyone. Although at the same time I'm probably massively over-estimating my own teensy tiny impact on the blogging community lol. I did try to explain it respectfully recently on my blog. I'm continuing to battle with my depression because of infertility and I just end up in floods of tears whenever I load blogger/facebook/etc. up and read a whole lot of pregnancy related feeds. People I've connected with I've tried to keep checking in for the first few months but TBH that just led to me generally keeping away from blogging rather than put myself through it. The main two reasons I blog are for a bit of a release and in the hopes that if somebody were googling something I was going through at the time (like say an NHS fertility appointment), they might be able to find some info that was of use to them. I hope it doesn't make me a bad person but until things are a little more stable in my head I probably would continue to unfollow blogs that became pregnancy blogs with nothing but the very warmest of wishes for the ladies who make it, but to preserve my own sanity. Given that I can have full blown panic attacks at the thought of visiting a dear friend with a large baby bump, I hope people can understand.

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    1. Aha! A person who has unfollowed pregnant blogs!

      I do not in any way, by the way, think there's anything wrong with that. Preserve your own sanity, lady, that's most important.

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  20. You are hysterical (Jodi Sweetin?! Ha!). How am I only just now finding your blog? Are you on twitter?
    And now to introduce myself based on your criteria: I am NOT one who would fall into the "Oh, of course!" group. I'm more likely to be in the category of "She's pregnant? Again?! Will this one KILL her? I absolutely MUST continue to follow her because this pregnancy may turn out to be another episode of The Walking Dead! (a.k.a morbid curiosity)".
    Also, I don't monitor my numbers to know if people unfollow me or not so it's pretty much impossible to offend me with that.

    <3 the Titanic analogy, BTW.

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  21. I loved this. Every single last freaking word. I think I must have missed some of the drama recently, but still - it is all so very relevant. There have absolutely been blogs I've stopped reading when pregnancy has hit. But then there have also been those I have been so close to, that I never could have strayed. It gets a little easier as time goes on, but even still... hearing from those pregnant infertile's that my time will come (when I have all but given up) is more than I can handle some days as well. Just because it worked for them, does not mean everyone will be so lucky. You made so many perfect points. Thank you!

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  22. Well said. I try to remember that a lot of this comes down to luck and other things we have no control over. It's not about what's fair or who deserves this or that. All we can do is our best, and that includes doing our best to support one and other, because you're right, there is understanding and comfort that we can give each other as sisters-in-shittiness that is hard to find elsewhere.

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  23. You are the second blog post that I've read mentioning the fertile v. infertile. I don't think I read the warring blogs! With that said, I am thankful I've missed it. Why can't people adhere to the Golden Rule? Please, be kind to one another. Life is hard. Find a therapist. The end.

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    1. I mistyped. I meant to say pregnant infertile v. not pregnant infertile.

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    2. I second this! I spend a lot of time feeling anxious about how what I'm writing these days may or may not be taken by someone still in the trenches. And I consider myself to be pretty damned empathetic. I think the best we can all do (and should do) is be kind and respectful to one another, no matter where we are in our journeys. And therapy is not overrated. Everyone should get some.

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  24. I don't say f-bomb often, but I f-bombing (ok, fucking) love your blog. And I don't even know who you are talking about. :-)

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  25. I feel like I need to bump chests with you, lock arms, and take a shot of vodka because saying "well said" doesn't quite seem like enough.

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  26. This is great... and should be posted somewhere permanently. I still follow most bloggers who get knocked up (to the point where my daily check-in with IF blogs can suddenly seem like I only read about pregnant ladies), but it's the "IF amnesia" that bothers me most, which is why I can't stand that stupid meme about Weight Gained, Gender, Maternity Clothes, etc. That's when I tend to unsubscribe because why on earth would someone still in the trenches want to read that crap? I'd much rather hear more about this Kracken feller... :)

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  27. I agree. Although, let me tell you... my BFF and me were partners in crime in all of this. We had the same crappy egg reserve. The same everything... except this bitch (i say this with love) just got pregnant with twins via an IUI. WTF. It's not that Im not happy for her, but you cant help but hear news like that and internalize how shitty your own situation is. On paper, we are the same... how can two roads go in 2 different directions... ie, me buying embryos on the internet and her getting knocked up with twins via iui??? An IUI for christs sake?!?!?


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  28. NAILED IT.

    I love your analogy of the cancer patient in remission.

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  29. I just discovered your blog. What an amazing post! I am in the midst of TTC through multiple IVFs because I have low ovarian reserve and I'm lucky to get 1 embryo at a time. I find that that I am constantly struggling with myself over the jealously I feel when I find out yet another person is pregnant. You are right it is about luck, and I've been lucky enough to find an amazing husband who is in this with me. The one thing this journey has taught me is that if one day I am lucky enough to find myself pregnant I'm never going to forget this part and this struggle.

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