Saturday, July 21, 2012

Saturday Silliness, Sinister Neighbors and Nude Golden Girls

It's the weekend, mofo's!

Woot woot.

In the event you have arrived here from ICLW - howdy!  Totally just read on, but if by chance you don't want to start out our relationship by reading about my love of the nude elderly, I've made a handy dandy page here.

So one of my neighbors might be digging holes for dead bodies during the day.

Let's back up.

We've lived in this house for 3 years.  In the last six months - both sets of neighbors on either side left (one couple to go live on a yacht for a few years, one family to get a bigger house) and rented their places out to new families.  (Can I tell you how much fun it is to introduce yourself to new neighbors, have them ask you if you have kids, and see the second of disappointment in their eyes when you say "nope!").

Anyhoo, the yacht people rented their house to a ridiculously gorgeous couple with a young son.  The girl seems pretty cool.  I have a lemon tree in my backyard that produces lemons like the apocalypse came and went, and lemons have inherited the Earth - so when they moved in, I left them a giant bag of lemons on their doorstep.  Not really to be nice, just to unload some freak lemons.  (Buying a house did not make me a Mom, but it did make me a lemon pusher).

A few days later, well dressed gorgeous young woman comes unexpectedly to my door to thank me.  I am wearing PJ pants, a tank top with a hole close to the nipple and a giant 1980s hair band.  I try my best to win her over with my personality in case the nipple doesn't work.

This is my lemon tree which is now dormant for two months - I'm telling you, when it gets going you can't see the tree -



A few days later, Luna the Giant Puppy is in the backyard, on her long cord pegged into the ground.  She sees gorgeous neighbors in backyard, somehow completely removes her own collar, jumps over the fence and starts running around them.  Again, as testimony to this girl probably being cool, she doesn't freak out though it must have looked like a rabid werewolf had arrived for a play date with her toddler.  She calls me and tells me this has happened, and as I'm on the phone, Luna jumps over their 6 foot fence and is now in the street.

So I have to immediately leave the house without hesitation.  Again I am wearing a 1980s hairband, one of my hippie skirts, and worst of all... a t-shirt I purchased at the opening of an all nude Golden Girls art show called "Golden Gals Gone Wild".

Yes.  True.  And it was just as amazing as it is in your mind, plus a DJ wearing nothing but a diaper.

To make a long story short, I ended up in gorgeous neighbors front yard, in front of not only her but her toddler and two equally gorgeous lady friends, chasing Luna in circles, tripping over myself, flashing my underpants and silently expressing my adoration for naked Golden Girls.

And yet, somehow they have yet to invite us over for a dinner party.

Which brings us to our other neighbors - they of the dingaling incident.  Short of seeing my husband's pecker and occasionally bringing us our mail, I have had surprisingly little contact with them.  The guy seems nice - haven't really seen his wife.

However - the guy has been digging in the backyard, everyday, all day, just him and a shovel, for two weeks straight. I can assure you - having been in the house which is much smaller than ours - that there is no room for a swimming pool or even a hot tub.  Bub says maybe they're looking for a gopher (we have a very caddyshack like situation going on with our neighborhood). Would you stay home for two weeks, shoveling for a gopher in 100+ degree heat, when the woman you were renting from was a judge?

So please, oh please, someone tell me what a person could be digging (with a shovel) for, for two weeks, that is not sinister?

Given my track record with new neighbors I would really like to avoid having to go all The 'Burbs on their asses.



And on that note - some silliness for your Saturday..  Yes, it involves a baby but she's drunk, so it's okay.


I die.

You have less than 24 hours to send me a secret!



25 comments:

  1. Love, Love, Love that Will Ferrell clip with Pearl!! Thanks for the laugh today :)

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    1. Your very welcome! I hope very much to have a drunk and hostile toddler such as she.

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  2. Definitely burying bodies. The good news is that he can team up with my serial killer neighbor who burys the bodies in the abandoned house next-door to me!

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  3. Your post gave a good laugh today, which I needed! Thank you so much! I do not have any real crazy neighbor stories - we did have one who was an alcoholic and went to jail for kicking his wife in the stomach. He was out on probation and the police found a picture of him on FB drinking so he was put back into jail (not sure for how long.) Pure stupidity!

    Happy weekend!!

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    1. I should add that he was abusive and this was not the first incident. She did end up leaving him.

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    2. Good Lord! Of all the evils that are a direct result of facebook, at least stupid people get themselves caught!

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  4. Red Rover, Red Rover, send Jenny on over. I'll be Art if you'll be Ray. I've always wanted to live that movie. I went through a Bea Arthur phase in high school and tried to dress like her in Maude. I fully approve of naked Golden Girls.

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    1. I, too, adore Bea Arthur. Dorothy Zbornak is my favorite.

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  5. I love how descriptive you write! I can actually picture the dog incident unfolding! It's just one of those moments you have to look back on and laugh :) I can't imagine why you haven't been invited over for dinner yet...you are clearly VERY entertaining! I would have you and your dog over for dinner :)

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    1. We will come in our very best naked-old-lady gear.

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  6. You sound like such a hot piece of ass in that outfit. I have to say, I'm happy I live in a neighborhood that is equal parts young urban professional, equal parts sketchy dirtbags. I could wear what you wear in your hood, and still be the classiest one in this joint.

    We regularly wake up in the middle of the night to our across the street neighbors screaming/drunkenly banging on their door, with undercover cops checking in on them on a regular basis. Last year we witnessed one of their kids chasing his deadbeat dad around with a bat (THISCLOSE to my car) and the same kid almost being tased by the cops 5 minutes later.

    Needless to say, our block parties are a special event.

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    1. I miss that kind of neighborhood oh so much.

      We lived in West Hollywood for years before buying out here in a more suburban area... Twas full of young people, hot tranny hookers and men inexplicably dressed as Jesus.

      I fit in better.

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  7. Ah, neighbors!
    Our friends have a neighbor who's garage is always filled with black garbage bags everywhere (when you can get a glimpse of the inside- he shuts it super fast!). We refer to him as the serial killer. Why must we always go there?

    Bring the rapid werewolf and your nipple shirt over to my hood...most everyone here is too old to see or hear you, haha!

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    1. Yesss.. Yess! I need dinner parties where I am understood, damnit.

      So basically everyone lives next to a potential serial killer? Oy.

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  8. Omg!! Thanks for the laughs :-)
    Thank you for being a friend...travel down the road and back again...
    :P

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    1. If you threw a party, and invited everyone you knew... You would see, the greatest gift would be from me - and the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend".

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  9. Ha!!! Most of my favorite tshirts have some sort of graphically placed hole. This is why I tend to ignore doorbells. Oh, and because I have nothing to say to my neighbors. Sad.
    Sooo jealous of your super fertile lemon tree. Not as much for its fertility as its abundant citrus love.

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    1. OMG take them - take them! I have no use for them - I don't like fish... And other than a badass lemonade stand for my invisible children, can't think of one thing to do with them..

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  10. I don't know what's wrong with your neighbors, I would totally invite you over for dinner. You are so much more entertaining than my douche-y hipster neighbors.

    oh, and the digging is totally sinister. It's too much digging to be gardening.

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    1. This is what I fear.

      I'm also desperately trying to ignore the fact that I haven't seen his wife..

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  11. You tell the best freaking stories! I could see this type of thing happen to me except that on one side my neighbors are like 100 years old and on the other they are Buddhists. Not really as exciting as yours and I rarely ever see any of them out doing things. Does that guy know you can't really dig to China? Hopefully he called Dig Safe before he started or he might strike oil!

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  12. This is the best post EVER, anywhere on the internet!

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