Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Zombie Apocalypse

It is WEDNESDAY.

The rumors of my death and dismemberment have been greatly exaggerated - I've just been an unusually busy Stork.

Those outside of L.A. may or may not be familiar with the term "carmageddon".

Cars are to L.A. what pedestrians are to NYC.  If you want to travel two blocks, you hop on a highway.  To make some repairs, they shut down the 405 to the 101 this weekend - essentially the two highways everyone here takes.  They did this last year for a weekend, too - you go back and forth between thinking it's not going to be a big deal, and then assuming it's going to be an all out zombie apocalypse and you should be stocked up on can goods and whittling broom handles.  Plus, I live on basically the one available beach access road left.

It wasn't that bad - but I had to travel.  My life since we last spoke - 

Thursday evening went swimmingly - I was alone, rather enjoyed it, feel somewhat like a ninja warrior for not being too chicken.

Friday I had to drive down to the OC for my sister's 40th.  It was T-5 hours to carmageddon, and what is normally a 60-90 minute drive took me 3 1/2 hours as everyone was fleeing the city like cockroaches in the night.

Family party (babies babies everywhere there are babies), trying to be sociable with my sister's friends who were surprisingly lovely, dropping drunk sister off at rich friend's house for continuation of party. (Rich as in house, guest house, second guest house - hilarious trying to get my shitty car out the motion detecting gate).

Leave close to midnight for LAX, unable to take my usual highways, pick up Bub.  Maneuver through beaches and canyons to get home at 2 AM ( was convinced we were headed towards death-by-deer).  Dogs furious. 

Sleep all day Saturday.  Discover on Sunday that I need to do a psychotic clean, as house smells like old potatoes and we haven't had potatoes in weeks.  Clean, remove trunks of Halloween decorations from garage (which is a death trap), verify trunks are free of raccoon, put decorations up (including horrifying zombie woman on front porch).

Monday, wake up at ass crack of dawn as it is Mr. T's birthday and we go to Disney every year.  Arrive at Disney at 10 AM full of coffee and optimism.  Purchase fabulous lacey ears with a feathered top hat.  Marvel at the fact that all previous years we've had to wear sweatshirts - as apparently, this year, they moved the park from Anaheim to the surface of the sun, or just decided to hell with the theme park altogether let's make it a Disney themed sweat lodge.  Sweat off half of my body weight, discover they have jacked up the annual pass prices ($267 big ones, happy birthday Mr. T) had all around good albeit very hot time.

Get home Monday evening exhausted and full of hives (I'm telling you, it's entirely possible I'm allergic to children) forget that I put zombie woman on my front porch, scare the crap out of myself.  (Screaming, shaky hands, near fall... if you were a nosey neighbor peeping out your window at that moment my insanity would be confirmed as it would have appeared I was having a passionate argument with a mannequin).

Tuesday morning wake up to realize I have pulled a muscle in my rib cage (how, I don't know - I'm refusing to believe it was the zombie woman) and that jaw is clicking.  Who knew I even had muscles at the top of my rib cage?  The only thing I can think that they do is hold up my boobs.  Admittedly this is a difficult job, but as far as job assignment goes I don't see why they're complaining now or ever - compared to my colon they are doing the Lord's work.  Spend all day trying to figure out how to write while laying flat.

This morning, wake up, find that sleeping for 8 hours has eased the rib pain, but my jaw is worse.  Make impromptu trip to see dentist (again in O.C. - I'm a huge chicken and know my dentist personally, so that's where I go) and discover that I have somehow completely dislocated my jaw (again) without realizing it.  Listen to the disbelief at my pain tolerance, happily take prescription for pain medication, drive home.

As an amends for my absence, I'm gonna reveal myself in a picture.  A picture of Mr. T. & I, my gay husband (the straight one's a little camera shy), on the tram at Disney. Enjoy, because I will soon be replacing it with a picture of an angry uterus (when your chubby it's best if all forms of nudity are brief).



That's Stork.  Am I what you pictured? I'm curious because most of you I have no idea what you look like - but I've developed very clear cartoons of you in my head based on your personalities.  Wondering how reality stacks up.

So, this evening I'm going to watch the debates and enjoy not cooking, and then tomorrow I am doing nothing but individually crawling up into your uteruses to make up for my absence. You should feel the presence of ridiculous in your lady bits around noon PST tomorrow.

I did skim my newsfeed this morning - a few awesome gals that could use some good vibes:

WTW - who had some poor fertilization (been there - it's just as fun as it sounds). Hugs and love and good vibes encouraged.
Road2ourbaby - she's fine, but she had a bit of a scare with pregnancy/bleeding.  Good vibes encouraged.
SLESE1014 - My loverly friend found out her FET didn't work and is blue.  Internet forehead kisses encouraged.
B - her cat passed away (in the middle of IVF, no less).  Good furry vibes encouraged.

(Anybody else need cheering up while we're on the subject?)


So what's the drinking game for the evening - take a drink every time someone says "jobs"?  "Deficit"?  Or is that a suicide mission?

51 comments:

  1. I'm so jealous you go to Disneyland every year! My dad took me to America when I was 16 and we went to Disneyland. It was amazing. Hope you had a great day.

    I thought you would look older to be honest. Take it as a compliment. You look young

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    1. Ha! THANK YOU. I am almost 31! Last year, the very same obligatory tram pic, I had enough bags under my eyes to travel to Europe and back without leaving behind a single toiletry.

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  2. Thanks for the shout-out Stork! So very thoughtful of you.

    You look EXACTLY how I knew you looked! hehe. Beautiful!

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    1. De nada, chica. I do a small jig of good vibes in your general direction. ;)

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  3. Stork, you are the BEST! Thanks for sending some cheerleaders my way.

    You DO have huge eyes! Thanks for sharing a picture! I don't have the guts for that yet!

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    1. Haha! Yes indeeeeeed I do. And that's me SQUINTING INTO THE SUN.

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  4. I kinda agree... You look pretty dang close to what I imagined! I'm glad you didn't succumb to the zombies. I won't lie, I thought you disappeared and I was disappointed because I finally remembered manly Monday... ON MONDAY!

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    1. NEVER! I will NEVER disappear! Should a zombie apocalypse actually break out tomorrow, figuring out how to get the blogosphere back up and running (and/or try to coordinate a blog-in-a-bottle should the internet not be possible) is in the top 5 on my priority list!

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  5. You are beautimous, my dear! Glad you are alive and well! The internet was a slightly less crazy and happy place without you.

    I sadly did not do Manly Monday this week. I fail yet again. Next week will be double good!

    Ever seen auto-tune the news "turtle fence" video on Youtube? Epic. Now any time those silly politicians mention jobs I giggle hysterically. Makes watching the debates ten time more fun. Add some alcoholic beverages and it's a hoot and a half!

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    1. I have not seen that! Looking it up just in time for debates...

      Do not feel bad! The laws of Manly Monday are very loose and forgiving.

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  6. I missssssssed you. Disney. Every year? So jealous!

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  7. Don't feel bad about the zombie woman. When I put my stand-up cardboard Jesus in the living room of our old apartment, I screamed at him every night for a month until I got used to it. It was especially funny if you screamed Jesus at him.

    You look how I imagine most ladies look on here except I thought your hair would be darker.

    Also I bought Cabin In the Woods today and wanted to remind you that its out.

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    1. HA! I'm trying to convince Bub to watch it on demand as I can't decide if it's the worst thing or best thing ever. Hopefully he can be the deciding factor.

      It is naturally close to black! Somehow it has held on to some highlights that Mr. T did monnnnnths ago..

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  8. You were scared by your own Halloween decorations? I love it! I hope you didn't hurt yourself too much though.

    Also love the photo :)

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    1. Even if I had BROKEN a rib from the zombie woman I don't think I would go to the doctor for it... How does one explain that..

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  9. My father in law put an animated mummy in the spare closet for storage last year after Halloween. Lets jut say that it tested the limits of my ability to hold pee when I stumbled upon it in December.

    You are gorgeous pretty lady. Lovely photo!

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    1. I feel a little better knowing other people have mummies holding out for a scare to December.

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  10. I love you my dear...love love love you....and of course I know what you look like....in fact I know I've seen that picture before....It took me a minute to realize you'd never posted a picture of yourself here..can we say blonde?

    Thanks for the shout out...all internet forehead kisses and butt slaps welcomed :)

    And you were missed...a LOT!!! I'm glad you had a good and crazy weekend and you're recovering from the zombie attack (I'm blaming the intercostal muscle pull and dislocated jaw on her). Now get writing...I need some comic relief....because you know it is all about me...

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    1. I love you as well, my pet!

      Damn that zombie and my amazing ability to frighten myself.

      I am all about swatting you on your tooshie.

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  11. First off, pardon my nonsense, I've been watching the debate and playing a drinking game whilst doing so. Let's just say that drinking every time Obama says "let me be clear" or Romney says "small businesses" has not been kind to my liver.

    That being said, you are beeeeaaauutful lady! I am so happy to see your face. It's a good face.

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    1. Hahaha! If it weren't for these damn pain pills I would be playing a drinking game myself... Another good one is any time Obama says "folks" or Romney interrupts someone (apparently..)

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  12. Also I really need a gay husband. Where does one get one of those?

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    1. Might I suggest going to the best-decorated section of your town, and waving some sort of rainbow boa?

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  13. You are close to what I imagined! That's fun. The debates just finished. Did you make it to the end? I squirmed and cringed my way through to the end. Ugh.

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    1. I sooooort of made it to the end... I started playing on my computer towards the end. :( It was disappointing! Obama was not on fire like he usually is, and Romney seemed to suddenly decide he was an entirely different person (an etch-a-sketch, that man). Bring back "Old Man Talks to Chair", I say.

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  14. You're quite the beauty, young lady! (And Mr. T isn't too hard on the eyes, either.)

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    1. Aww shucks you make me blush. And indeed, Mr. T is quite the little dish. ;)

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  15. I had no clue what you looked like. I think that you are very pretty. I have two ancient photos up on my photo page of my blog. Oh I could use some cheering up...endo pain is really sucking today.

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    1. Thanks lady!

      I say boooooo to your uterus. BOO. I had endo when I was younger and it sucked balls. BALLS! I am banishing pain from your lady bits.

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  16. Yay Stork we missed you Guapa! I laughed all the way through this post, it has cheered me muchly! How on earth did you dislocate your jaw and not notice! I am so impressed at your pain threshold. My grandma once dislocated her arm and said when it was whacked back in it was more painful than giving birth to all four of her kids put together! So when you give birth you'll be laughing! Although...being allergic to the child could be an issue ;)

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    1. I am hoping the allergy is filthy unfamiliar child? Hopefully?

      Yes indeed - I am one of those pain freaks. There was an episode of modern family where Gloria dislocates her shoulder and then snaps it back in.. This is apparently me.

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  17. Busy busy busy bee. This little corner of the internetesphere is certainly more sparkly with you in it. But I am so glad you were off having massive funs with Mr T. My gay bezzie, Wayne, selfishly up and moved to London when we were 20 and now I mostly see what he is up to though the medium of fertilebook. It is always something fabulous. Currently he is dance captain for Chicago and does wigs for Phantom in his spare time. I now have Lanky, who is almost as handy as a gay best mate, in that he will do lots of things Kitt won't, but I do miss the glitter and sequiny world I had with Wayne.

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    1. Oh dear.. surely there has to be a glittery sequined boy somewhere in the vicinity? Can't imagine going without.

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  18. I saw the picture before I read the description and thought to myself that you matched with my perception of you but Bubba didn't - and then I looked at the words and found out it wasn't Bubba, so that explains that. And what I am imagining for "Bubba" probably has zero relation with the real Bubba ....

    In any case, lovely pic of a lovely girl and her gay hubbie. Is that your new dress?

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    1. 10 points for Elizabeth! That IS the new dress.. I find that light-weight bum-covering dresses perform well at disneyland.

      Ha! One of these days I'm going to sneak a bub pic on here...

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  19. wow you are busy...how do you breath!! I love Disney....my gay husband fortunately works for Disney so he takes us all the time for FREE...oh the perks of the gays!! I watched the debates too...I wish I could've been drinking....yawn.

    Anyway thanks for your support!

    BTW love your photo!!!

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  20. Muy bonita chica!! You were very missed!! So sorry about the dislocated jaw - ouch!! Yay for trips to Disney :)

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  21. How is your jaw? That is crazy! Ouch. If you come to Colorado I will not put anything scary on the porch, promise!

    You are beautiful. Not exactly what I pictured to be honest. The hair color is the same but I was way off on everything else. My brain picture of you is beautiful too, don't worry. But I would not have come up to you at Disney and said, "Hey you look like you could be this blogger I know" Thanks for sharing.

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    1. It's a smidge better.. Meds help. ;)

      Thanks lady! Now I fully anticipate you coming up to me and giving me a saucy swat to the behind should you see me on the street.

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  22. Sounds like you need to sleep for about 3 days now! OMG, what a weekend. Zombie apocalypse indeed. You are gorgeous and Mr. T is quite a stunner, too. You do look young--younger than 31...jealous! I never get mistaken for younger than I am.

    Hope you recover soon from all your maladies!

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    1. Ha! Thank you lady, it's the pig tails - I'mma tellin you, pig tails. Plus I slept well.. Last year's picture you would've sworn I was 65 years old and well on my way to retiring.

      Thank you lovely! I'm recovering quite nicely.

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  23. Wow your picture is almost exactly what I was imagining in my head! You are very beautiful! I saw all the news of the carmageddon all the way over on the east coast and dang. I shuddered to think about that kind of traffic and how bad my already terrible road rage would be if I had to be subjected to that. When you described people stocking up on supplies and/or leaving reminds me of snowstorms up here. Even when it is only forecast that we will get 5 inches, people freak out and buy generators and bottled water. I hope your jaw feels better really soon!

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    1. Thank you, lovely!

      Man alive I miss the supermarket panic of an impending snow storm... One of my friend's posted a picture this morning of her house with snow on it... already.. so friggin jealous I can barely see straight.

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  24. Hey! What happened to your other post? I came back to comment on it and it was gone!

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    1. Ha! Wasn't sure anyone saw it - posted it for maybe 10 minutes, then blogger somehow reverted it to draft? It's back up!

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  25. I LOVED this post. You had me giggling the whole way through. I've missed you Stork! And you are one gorgeous lady. I'm get a little giddy when bloggers reveal what they look like. I'm still on the fence about this myself as I don't want my ex hubby to find my blog...

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    1. DO IT! Even if it's just a limited time, up-for-24-hours-only reveal, let's get naked.

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  26. You look like an angry uterus :( Later-comer misses the picture. Doh!

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