Monday, October 8, 2012

Satan's School for Girls

Me no likey the Mondays.

Today, in America, it is apparently Columbus day.  What a bullshit holiday.  Columbus discovered America much in the same way that me going to my local grocery store, demanding all their produce and profits in exchange for giving them all syphilis would be me discovering Ralphs.

Much more important today is my darling, wonderful Grandpa's birthday, who is about as old as Columbus. Bub and I will be traveling this weekend yet again to the often frightening O.C. to make steak and shovel it into his ancient body.  I love my Grandparents.  My Grandma calls my grandpa 'viejo' (which means old man) and they have been married for 68 (I think) years.  They are hilarious.

In fertility news, we had our appointment Friday... A brief summary of my woes, because it's hard to keep everyone's utes organized in our minds - IVF in June, mysteriously poor fertilization (1 out of 12 fertilized) chemical pregnancy.

So Dr. Kickass pulled some strings and got another Doc elsewhere to give Bub's sperm a fancy-shmancy test for free (for freeeee!) so that turned out fine.  Now onto the super duper fancy shmancy experimental test which they do in Massachusetts.  (I won't bore you with what all it means today - if you're interested, google calcium ionophore). At any rate, the test is so fancy shmancy that they can't even prepare a sample here and ship it out, so we're now trying to organize flying Bub out there.

(As I said before, I would've liked to have thought that Bub's sperm would've traveled by air or by tiny canoe, but alas, they need the whole Bub).

So IVF coordinator nurse lady told me to take a pregnancy test yesterday 'just in case' (obviously her stand-up comedy routine needs work) and if it was negative (if!  hilarious) to start some provera today because I haven't had my period since August.  ::le sigh::

Dr. Kickass did say that 50% of couples who have inexplicably poor fertilization one time, come back the next and they're fine.  So regardless of how fancy shmancy test goes, we're looking at January or February.

Which will give me sometime to get rid of some bad habits I have re-acquired as part of my ill-advised  'do anything short of heroin to deal with this with a smile' program I've been on since June.  (Which has involved gaining 7 lbs, getting back together with regular Pepsi, and shame of all shame, smoking the occasional cigarette... whatever, mine are full of vitamins and minerals).

Writing prompts:

If you could have any job in the whole wide world regardless of your qualifications, what would you choose and why?
Hmm.. I dunno... Working admissions at Satan's school for girls?

Me thinks I would do pretty much a combo of what I'm attempting to do now.. Writing screenplays (but you know, a reality wherin I make wild amounts of money and am constantly inspired).  Comedy of some kind.  And more acting.  I looooove acting, I do. I've been an all around thespian-nerd pretty much since birth.  This would of course require me to be about 90 lbs and much more comfortable in front of the camera, but there you have it.

If you could sleep with any celebrity who would it be?
Ladies, you know I have strong opinions about this.

River Phoenix is my forever love, the perfect specimen of man-beauty.

Bill Murray, because if he were to read from the dictionary he would do it in a way that would make me tinkle myself with glee.

And - because I can't believe I forgot to mention him before - Timothy Olyphant.  Now there's a face that could get a girl into trouble - he is definitely on my top 5 (even though I forgot him previously).  Pretty sure my husband hates him because I can go on about the Olyphant (particularly a-la crazy drug dealer from Go) which is ironic because he sort of looks like him.

And now, for Manly-Monday, a non-sperm Bubba Fact.

Someone somewhere in L.A. has finally made a deal with the devil because finally, finally we are on the cusp of some fall-esque weather.  So Bub & I are now at the point where we're still sleeping with just sheets at night, and approaching being cold - but unable to commit to pulling the official blanket out of the linen closet for fear that the moment we do the weather will go back to the hellfire it's been for the last several months.

So last night I brought one of our small throw blankets to bed.  In the middle of the night, I wake up with teeth chattering, no blanket nor furry dog to comfort me, and am convinced the furry man next to me is enjoying the blanket solo.  So I half-asleep reach over and start trying to find a bit of the blanket with my hand, in Bub's lap region.

As I'm trying to find it, Bub, in his sleep feels my hand searching around his lap and yells out a loud "NUH-UH!"

I am absolutely shocked that my laughing - which I could not control for a good 3 minutes - did not wake him up.

Apparently, still-sleeping subconscious Bubba thinks that I am some sort of horndog housewife who at 3 AM turns into an insatiable middle-of-the-night lap rapist.

Settle down dude.. Just wanted a blanket.


  1. You Manly Monday story had me laughing!! Thanks :) I was the blanket hog in our house last night - it was chilly last night!! Do you get to go to Boston too for the fancy test?

  2. That is such a great story about your middle of the night blanket search! Ahahaha! I am always, always cold and my hubby is always warm. I tell him all the time he's my personal space heater. So that situation would never happen to us unless it was the dead of winter and our electricity was out.

  3. I almost spit out my regular Pepsi at the "NUH-UH!" It was chilly last night but my shark footie pjs made me so warm I didn't use a blanket.

  4. OMG! Laughing so loud. I'm at the doctors office getting my blood sucked once more and busted out loud with Bub's response to your nighty time fun. People were giving me strange looks.

  5. "Horndog housewife"! HAHAHAHA! That story is hilarious, thanks for sharing. Now on to googling "calcium ionophore" know, just in case...

  6. Nuh-uh! Lol! You should use that one night, see how it goes over ;)

  7. HAHAHA!!! I love it....As for Satan's School for girls...I have a sweatshirt with the words: St Patrick's School for Wayward Girls....throwing the St Patrick's on it means my reason for being wayward is St Patrick's Day celebrating!

    Love the blanket steal...Awesome...and I'm laughing at everyone's responses....your man is pretty hilarious!

  8. LOL I am dying over the middle of the night sheets story. hahahaa.

    I found one of the hardest things about infertility for me was not being able to drink and chain smoke to my hearts content (this is how I let out stress, and isn't infertility stressful enough?!?). Good luck with the Boston trip, are you going with Bubs??

  9. Love it! I think we're on the same plan...everything short of heroin. Good luck in Boston! And hooray for fancy schmancy tests!

  10. I'm pulling for you in this next round,.....fertilize city!! Your grandparents sound lucky you are to have them still. OMG horn dog house wifey...hysterical!! Love the boys you picked too....I have such a crush on Bill Murray. I was shopping in a clothing boutique here in LA and reading a book at the check out and laughing out loud at the short stories and the women helping me said Bill Murray had been in the day before and was laughing too while reading the book...needless to say I bought the book(ummm and I keep it on my night stand:)))

  11. I hate Columbus day for the exact same reason! WTF?
    I just found your blog. You are funny :)

  12. Yay for free fancy-schmancy tests!

    The horndog rapist wife story is too funny. :)

  13. I'm not a fan of Columbus Day either, but then again I do get the day off from work. Not going to complain about that....

    Love your Manly Monday story. Too funny!

  14. I think if those cigarettes have folic acid in them you should keep them up :) You're lucky husband, that story is priceless!

  15. Your Bub story has just totally reminded me of a sex secret for Secret Sunday! Brilliant.

    I saw a funny quip on twitter that went something like 'Columbus day? He was just a strange old man in a mac smoking a cigar wasn't he? Why'd they give him a day?'

    Despite Bub's boys not getting a solo air flight I hope the tests yield results that help.

    Oh, and any post that references Ab Fab is a winner in my book.


    And I totally don't get why clinics make you take a pregnancy test beforehand. Seriously, if I were pregnant, would I be at this freaking appointment? Sheesh.