Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Badass Raccoon Shit

Happy Wednesday, Chiquita Bananas!

May I just say that my Monday (and part of my Tuesday) was mother freaking awesome - awesome I tell you! - because of you all and the vlogs.  I am a fairly brave person and it is a scary, scary concept of putting your face on the internet (even temporarily) with all it's pock marks and bugaboos for people to gawk at.  I bow in the face of your awesomeness.

It was magical.  It was like getting permission to search through someone's underwear drawer.  Totally satisfying to the peeping-tom spirit and delightfully dirty somehow.

So first, thank you to Miss Jenn over at Future Fords who gave me the idea - she's doing writing prompts (which I have to catch up on) and casually snuck in a video request on one of the days.  So a big thanks to her for letting me go from "that bitch is crazy" to "wait, this is kind of liberating" to "she is brilliant!" and thus knocking me up with the idea of doing this in the first place.

And an even bigger thank you to everyone who participated - for totally making my week, first of all, and secondly for being a bunch of fucking reproductive badasses all around.

We're going to do this again, maybe in a month or so (should we do the same kind of free for all questions?  Should there be a theme?) and PS, some of the vlogs got up a little late so it's worth checking the list again (I'll post it at the end of this bad boy).

And you there - yes you -  you're going to join us next time. I've done the macarena in a t-shirt celebrating an all nude Golden Girls art opening.... you can't outdo me in the weird department, I can only make you look good.  Join the badass movement.

In other news, there's a demon living in my shed.

Some helpful information in comprehending this:

  1. I go scary movie crazy during the month of October.  I'm not a total horror freak usually, though it does hold a dark, weird spot in my heart.. That being said, it's completely masochistic because they still scare the crap out of me (ask Sunny, she will attest to this).
  2. Of course I don't really believe there's something awful in my shed... right?  That's crazy.
  3. I have a shed.
I live in a house that was built in the... 50s?  Anyhoo.  Only one couple has ever lived here prior to us, they bought it new and died in the house.  ( Don't panic - semi-natural deaths, it's not like they hung from the chandelier or anything).

We've been here 3 years. We bought the house because for the price it was large, and it's in an awesome neighborhood.  The interior was not new or remodeled.  Evidently the previous couple (who from all accounts were totally lovely) did all their decorating in the 70s and stuck with it.  Carpet on the floor, wood on the walls, a built in bar, and my office used to have mauve carpeting.  Suffice it to say, though I love the 70s not exactly our taste - so we moved in and did a lot of renovations.

Anyhow, the previous gentleman who lived here made a lot of the wood stuff with his bare hands.  So when we redid things (and it's still an ongoing project - our kitchen is a travesty) I didn't feel right about throwing everything out.  So right now, for example, I'm sitting at a wood table that he made, and some of the stuff we took apart instead of getting rid of it I put in the shed.. which we don't really use.


Only a few 'weird' things have happened which I will share with you... There's a tiny window in our attic (which I will never, ever go into - good luck with that, Bubba).  It occasionally opens and closes itself.  One day we were sitting in the living room, and heard a ticking coming from the attic.  Bubba goes up and has to go waaaaay deep into it, and some christmas light timer thing from the 60s had turned itself on.  So does, on occasion, the attic fan.  You can't turn it on or off.. it just does it by itself every once in awhile, and definitely doesn't follow any heat pattern.

Again, I've been bulking up on horror movies to try and get in the Halloween Spirit.  So it is bad timing that the door to my shed (which should in theory, be locked) keeps opening itself and closing itself.  I will close it,  the door is stuck, I will wake up the next morning and it's wide open.  This is the 3rd day in a row.  I am hoping this is just a family of raccoon locksmiths.

And now, from where I'm sitting in my backyard, I swear I can see a face (which I'm rationalizing has to be a trick-o-the-eye with insulation and the sun, right?).  It is so ludicrously clear that I was completely going to attempt to get a picture for you... but I fear, if this were a horror movie, when the chubby girl home alone picks up her phone and slowly approaches the shed-face to get a better look through her view finder, that would be the point where we would all shout at the screen "What the fuck are you doing you moron?!?"

I am Jenny.  I am part badass part chicken shit.  It will be a relief if my shed is full of raccoon shit.

**EDIT - after reading the first few comments on this I have a Stork request!  (I know, I know - you're exhausted from my last one).  Can everyone please at some point write a blog post about their paranormal experiences?  I'm getting a tiny taste of just a few and dying to hear more. (I have one that I'll share that makes me sound totally insane, if that's any incentive).  I feel that'll get us in the Halloweeny mood and help me hurl myself into a total paranormal breakdown. 

Now go check to see if you missed any, lovelies - some got up late.  Far better than watching horror movies, I tell you.

Aspgriswold at Growing Griswolds
Jenny at Sprout
LeslieGail at My Hormonacoaster
Hapa Hopes at Hapa Hopes
Bridget at Iydkmigthtky
Kristin at Return to Go
Arwen Rose at MRKH Musings
Kitty Belle at The Hopeful Journey
Stork Chaser at Dog Mom Chasing the Stork
SM at Unexplained Rantings   (password: magical toes)
Sunny at Cease And Decyst
Belle at Scrambled Eggs
Sharon at Ova Achiever


  1. Oh....The Case of the Mysterious Face! Spooky!

    But yes, totally count me in for the next exhibitionistapalooza! I do think we should have random questions again. Too much fun!

    Jenny...go towards the light!!

    1. Hahaha Carol Anne? Carol anne go towards the light!

      I'm working myself into such a frenzy I fear Bubba will be greeted when he gets home by a short and oddly spiritual woman a-la-poltergeist cleaning our house.

  2. J, my husband, is trying to demystify your shed and attic with the whole science aspect. Heat and cold expansion and contraction theory comes from his lips. I say get yourself a motion sensor camera and have some fun watching what is causing the noise.

    1. Haha! Oh I knoooow I'm being ludicrous.. Okay so heat/cold that could definitely do the attic window because I'm not even positive it locks.. Can it do it to my door?

  3. I used to adore a good horror movie, but since I watched "The Ring" many years ago and it triggered a series of shockingly terrifying nightmares, I haven't been able to bring myself to watch them anymore. I can't even handle the commercials for the new Paranormal Activity movie. I'm a big wuss...

    We lived in a house, when I was 6 years old, that I'm pretty convinced was haunted. It was built in the 20s, and this was in 1979-80. Cupboards would open and close on their own, my mom's ashtray would move (we thought the ghostie didn't like her nasty habit and would move mom's ashtray mid-cigarette), and my younger sister used to talk to a 'little boy' when she would play on the swing set. I'm not one to see ghosts in every shadow, but that place was a bit odd.

    1. Somehow I'm gonna get you to watch a horror movie. Insanity loves company.

      You need to write out this story! Get us all in a spooky Halloween mood.

      Iiii don't jump at everything either - I think when things go bump in the night it's a 99.999% chance that it's a pipe or your dog getting into trouble. I also think that whether it's a ghost or just some energy that's left behind (like if you made a handprint in the sand and then someone saw it an hour later - the actions not still happening, but it's left a mark) sometime's there's some shiz that's just unexplainable. In this case I think I've just totally freaked myself out.. thank you, Jack Nicholson. ;)

  4. My dad totally haunted me for years. Fans going on and off, doorbells ringing, dogs freaking out, the husband spotted him, etc. Totally haunted me. Sometimes at the mention of his name. You watched my vlog. Now you know I am a rational, logical, data-oriented individual. Yet, I shit you not.

    1. I'm toootally with you. If I had never had things happen to me (prior to this shiz which I'm still figuring out) I would've never ever believed and thought people were nuts. BUT I totally think that it's rational to accept that there are things I just can't explain.. We may be crazy but for entirely unrelated reasons! ;)

  5. Is there a listing for exorcists in the yellow pages? Might be worth looking into.

    When I was a teenager we lived in a house that was haunted by a ghost cat. You know that distinctive sound a cat makes when it plucks at the carpet with its claws? We'd hear that sound quite often in one of the upstairs bedrooms - but only THAT bedroom. (It should be noted that we did not have a cat.) And sometimes our dog would go bat-shit crazy and start barking at some invisible thing in the corner of the bedroom. One night he went so bat-shit crazy that he jumped out of the bedroom window - we're talking second floor here. I swear he was chasing that damn ghost cat.

    1. What the... If I heard that sound and did NOT have a cat I would SHIT MY PANTS.

      That's it, I'm editing this to request people tell their stories.

    2. Ghost cat! that would be enough to make me move out! argh!!

  6. OOOH I love scary stories...horror movies freak me out but I can't get enough of hubs, he won't have anything to do with them. He says he doesn't get them, but I think he's scared. My BFF and I used to go see scary stuff together all the time, but alas she lives far away now and I don't think people would appreciate us watching a scary movie with the person next to them on the phone with her BFF in a theater 500 miles away. Another reason I wish you were closer!

    PS you have inspired me to write a spooky post....I just don't know when I'll get it all done...before the big night for sure...

  7. I live for this!! My childhood house was/is haunted. My parents had a new home built on the same property that we lived on I know weird, but the property was very large, and my mom wanted her dream home and didn't want to leave the neighborhood. So when they were digging they found so much shit...tons and tons of old bottles, toys, medicine containers, and they did find a bone. Although they claimed it came from an animal. We later found out the property was once a dump...yeah a dump in New know there are some dead carcases under the house know doubt. Well anyway things would happen all the time. The basement door would shake, and if you tried to open it there was someone on the other end clearly pulling it. The cat would hiss at the basement door, and sometimes the dog would bark was strange!! I know this sounds weird but you could hear noises from the basement all the time. When friends would spend the night you could hear all this clatter coming through the vents, and it would travel up into our rooms. We got used to it, but our friends thought it was weird. Mind you this a brand new house, in the woods in New Jersey. Still to this day I do not step foot in that basement...hell no!! The Jersey devil plays scary little tricks yes he does!!!

  8. I don't have a blog to tell my story, but I DO live in a house with a ghost. And I am NOT a spiritual person in any way, so it really feels bizarre to talk about it, but I'm convinced. The first night I moved in (on my own), there was a loud crash in the living room, but nothing looked amiss the next morning. Then it happened a few nights later; then again; then again. It was always at 4:30 a.m., and I was always half-woken up RIGHT before it would happen. When my husband is at home and we're sleeping in the bedroom together, the noise never happens -- only when he's travelling and I'm in bed alone. I'm positive it's not the neighbour's door slamming or the furnace or whatever else... pretty creepy, but the ghost itself has never materialized or caused any damage, so I'm kind of used to it now. :)

    So there you go -- ghosts can be friendly! Or at least inoffensive and standoffish, which is less scary.

  9. Sweet, I loooove ghost stories. Maybe on Halloween I'll share mine!

  10. I'm going to have to sign up for that one, I've got a doozie.

  11. Here's a story for you-
    Our house on Cedar Street has her own personality, enough so that she has a name: Gertrude Hyacinth.
    My husband and I both woke up thinking of that name one day in July of 2006, after we had done a ton of yard work and had gone to bed exhausted. The name just kind of "fit."
    Gertrude introduced herself as soon as we started moving in that summer.
    I've always been in the habit of leaving the kettle filled with water, so I can just flip on the stove when I want tea (yes, it's odd, but it's the way I roll). I was working in the basement pouring concrete our first weekend after we bought the house, and was getting tired and wishing I had put on some water to boil earlier.
    Our baby was about six months old and still in a sling for most of the time, as was the case right then, and I would talk to him to entertain him (and me). I mentioned out loud, "Hey we should take a break for tea and milk. Can you turn on the stove, Bug?"
    Nearly as soon as it was out of my mouth, the kettle began to sing. I ran upstairs, found the stove off – but the water boiling – and had a cup!
    Ever since then, if it's been a shite day and I'm at home and mention tea, it's ready. Same with the few times I've wanted to have a hot bath: instead of waiting for the hot water to get up from the basement, the water is hot straight away.
    Gertrude's been a great house guest!

  12. I have a story, might post it on my blog on halloween. Completely forgot about it until your post.

    An ICLW Visit from #2
    liddy @ the unfair struggle (mfi, speedskating, life)

  13. Thank YOU, oh also-brilliant one! You pulled the whole shit together. Only you could offer a dare that no one could refuse. So looking forward to the next one!

    Also, I'm really glad I poured myself a glass of wine before reading this because I HATE scary shit. Done.

  14. My step gran told the best real life ghost stories, and she seemed to attract the weird and wonderful. There was one very scary one about a log cabin which even my step grandpa corroborated, and he was a total utter skeptic. I will have to get my step mum to remind me of the stories and then I can tell you properly.

  15. Oh my days, I am such a wuss, these stories are scaring the bejesus out of me! How you all remain so calm I do not know, I've only ever had one spooky experience and I cried like a baby for about 3 hours!

  16. Does anyone else watch Long Island Medium and get completely freaked out by it? I've had to force myself to stop watching. The thought of spirits around us at all times makes me afraid to be in a room by myself at any time of the day ---> not fit for parenting??