Thursday, September 27, 2012


Greetings, my little temptresses!

My uterus, in case you were wondering, is doing nothing.  She's not approaching a period, I don't think she ovulated - she is fucking useless.  I dunno if she's been watching "Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo" and has decided that procreation is for suckers ( yes indeed, folks, I have only seen clips but I still marvel at the fact that those people can spawn).  Maybe she's taken a page out of the NFL and is assuming that while she's on holiday waiting for me to throw more money at her I have a bumbling temporary.  (PS - I could give a shit less about football.  Can someone come up with an unfootball me app for Facebook?  K thanks).

Whatever she's doing, she's useless.  U-S-E-L-E-S-S. I am trapped in an emotional prison with her. She is my prison wife.  I  have to cater to her every whim because she's protecting me from an even worse form of prison (which is hard to imagine), and yet I'm simultaneously whittling the end of my toothbrush in hopes that an opportunity will arise where I can just shank the bitch.

I drove Bub to the airport this morning for a wee business trip.  This is my first night alone in.. years & years.    I am a brave lady about many things but never quite mastered the house-alone-at-night form of bravery, so I'm looking forward to testing my womanly strength.  I calmed myself for the impending evening by purchasing a very cute 40's looking dress, and was lulled by a saleswoman's complimentary Persian voice into buying a dress where my sizable bazoos hang out for the world to see.  Womanly strength + bazoos = I am practically Erin Brokovich.

I am occasionally going to partake in the Barren Librarian's That's Me Thursdays.

Basically wherein one lists 3 things about themselves that has absolutely nothing to do with infertility.  Here goes.

1.)  My house is the epicenter of Halloween.  I live 2 houses down from an elementary school, and in a straight, grid-like neighborhood at the bottom of many many many very very hilly suburban streets where you would only let your child trick-or-treat if you wanted to kill said child.  Last year I spent $100 on candy to hand out, and ran out after 90 minutes.  The first year we were here it was on a weekend - and I stopped counting the trick or treaters but I'm fairly certain it reached a thousand.  Seriously, don't visit me on Halloween because you will run a kid over.  Not good for infertile karma.

2.) I have very, very large eyes.  You may be thinking "oh how lovely" - FALSE.  They are mostly unsettling.  Between that and the indescribable essence of Stork, I am an invitation for all local crazies to strike up a conversation.  On the way to the airport this morning at 4 AM, I stopped for gas and a drunk man talked to me about all the dew on my car, I had to apologize to Bub for the delay because when I am half asleep I'm somehow hyper magnetized.  When I went shopping, a man who was trying to return hand lotion because, and I quote, "it was cursed", decided to tell me about his woeful tale.

If you are within a block of me, you will think I'm making eyes at you. If I am in a dead sleep, you will think I'm making eyes at you.  If you are the lone space man who happens to be orbiting over my neighborhood in your saucer, you will think I'm making eyes at you.

3.)  If I pass a pair of cozy socks in any store, they will strike me as the coziest socks that ever were and I must take them home.

And I am dreadfully dreadfully behind on EmHart's September photo challenge.  I have many pictures!  So many.  Prepare to be bombarded this weekend.  A few submissions:

Throw a few people in here and it will look like NY.  Nope.  Paramount Studios here in L.A., and all just fronts.  Fairly certain if I hurled my fat ass hard enough at one of these buildings I could put a dent in it.

My 40s looking purchase from today... I'm gonna need you to get a few drinks in me to show you the bazooms one.

Roald Dahl
I'm slightly cheating here and giving you a pic I've had for awhile.. but damnit if I didn't try for a half of an hour the other day to get a picture of this damn dog still and in her pig costume.... but I give you Luna, my own personal BFG.

The thing that makes me most peaceful is being in my own house, chilling out with Bubbaloo and the animals.  This is Phoebe striking her coziest pose (and I said on my homies page - don't be fooled, she'll cut a bitch).

Now.  Who's going to come over so we can hang out in footsie pajamas and ward off the boogie man?

Sidenote:  I am disabling the comment verification thing because I am blind & it can drive me crazy (if you have it, know how much I adore your blog if I comment because it's a good 5 minutes of squinting and cursing the heavens to get to you).

Strike up the porn.


  1. I also have the giant eyes. I get compliments on them a lot but sometimes they get in the way of the rest of my face. On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have NO trick or treaters. We live in a military town and our neighborhood is mostly retired military, so therefore old peeps. We bought candy last year and ended up just eating it. It was delicious.

    I want to see the bazooma dress. SHOW IT TO ME DAMNIT.

  2. Thank the blog gods that you got rid of that horrible verification thing! I haaaaate those things!

    I'm thinking of participating in That's Me Thursdays too. K gets Manly Mondays so why shouldn't I get my own day too?

    If I could teleport myself, I would so arrive at your doorstep clad in footsie pajamas. Along with a bottle of wine and lots of chocolate. Here's to hoping the boogie man stays away tonight!

  3. We get zero trick-or-treaters every year but I get candy "just in case." I had to retire my footie pjs already since the temperatures went back up but I have lots of other pjs with crazy prints.

  4. While shopping in target the other night I passed the most obnoxious giant set of adult onesie footed pjs. They were the most comfortable looking things ever. I looked at my husband and he said " oh dear god no"... And since I am jumping back on the TTC road next month I opted not to get them....those things had "no chance at getting lucky" written all over them...

  5. Our house is inundated with trick-or-treaters every year too! I run out of candy no matter how much I buy it seems. I live it a neighborhood where the houses are all pretty close together so parents bring huge van-loads of kids from the area to trick-or-treat here!

    That dress is ADORABLE! I want to see you modeling it!

    On the subject of footsie-pajamas...have you seen the infomercial for the "Forever Lazy"? Hilarious! If you haven't seen it you MUST watch it!

  6. Save HoneyBooBoo for a feeling bad about yourself day... The show is hilarious. I suspect we have similar warped sense of humor... It's good entertainment!

  7. Show the bamboozles! P.S. if you ever want to order a hit on your uterus...I know some people. Just saying...

  8. I'll be right over if you promise that we can braid each others hair and play Girl Talk. You know, right after we finish the pillow fight in out nighties.

    Show us the bazooms!

  9. How did you get so lucky. I live in a fairly decent neighborhood in LA and NO trick-or-treaters!!! I put candles out and pumpkins, I even leave the candy on the porch NADA!!!

    I am in love with your pooches, what peaches!!! Sorry for being alone. I hate staying alone when the hubs is away, up in the hills where it is all so's creepy shit!! Watch some Golden Girls, or what I like to call them G squared. I love me some Sophia and always fall asleep peacefully.

  10. Hope you survived the night. I'm not a fan of being alone either. Your dogs are lovely, and I bet they would guard you without blinking should need be.

    Also, have you seen this post about that damn CAPTCHA? It's hilarious and the blogger even made a button for it:

  11. Sometimes we get lots of trick-or-treaters and sometimes we don't. We always dress my dog up in a costume (I know, so sad) and he greets everyone at the door. Last year he was a hot dog, the year before that he was a turtle, then before that he was a bumble bee. Most of the kids love him, although he does scare the really young ones because he wants to lick their faces. I have no idea what to dress him as this year...suggestions welcome!

    P.S.I LOVE the new dress!

  12. Here's hoping you enjoyed a 'single' gal night in and stuffed your face with sweet stuff and watched TRASH :) I hated trick or treaters when I lived in DC, I used to hide in my basement to avoid them. I am a halloween scrooge!

  13. Stupid uterus. I think you should shame it into behaving itself.

    I'm very jealous of the amount of trick-or-treaters you get on Halloween. We live on a quiet little bay and most kids just walk on by us. We're lucky if we get a dozen kids. It depresses me because I LOVE Halloween (it's the only holiday that hasn't left me emotionally scarred). J and I are thinking of bringing out major Halloween bling this year to attract the kidlets. I NEED people to see Maggie in her caterpillar costume!

    Also, love the dress. *hands you a gin and tonic so you'll show us the other one*

  14. :-( Ugh, I'm sorry your ute isn't doing anything. I hate that!
    And girl, your eyes are sooo beautiful! You look unique and mysterious. Sexy!
    Thank you SO much for getting rid of captcha or whatever it is. I hate it LOL.

  15. Love the dress!! We must see you in it :) Hope your night went well...

  16. I love the new dress. I detest that captcha code thingy. Wish more folks would ditch it too. I have one of those faces where everyone and their brother thinks they can just unload to me in public. Total strangers do it all the time.

  17. So happy you got rid of the verification! It always took me 2-10 attempts to get it to post, but I'd always persevere.

    We don't get a TON of trick-or-treaters, but we get a fair amount here on the west side of the city. I love when you can tell they're 18 year olds with just a mask on. Go buy your own damn candy.

  18. Death to captchas! They piss me right the fuck off so in the end my post would be really bitchy (as I throw a rant in) and then I just delete the whole effin thing

  19. Home Alone 4...Stork's Revenge! Dude. I am a MASTER at home alone--lived alone for 6 years before I met Hubs. As much as I love the guy, MAN do enjoy having the house to myself sometimes.

  20. I love your tagline! Too clever! Thanks for stopping by my blog!

  21. Ah, the unresponsive ute. Change the channel immediately when a Honey-Boo-Boo ad comes on and maybe ute will have a change of heart.

    Wow, I didn't think Halloween got crazier than it does in my 'hood, but you have me beat. Last year, hubster and I kept the lights off because cute kids would have started the post-miscarriage waterworks off. He wants to hand out candy this year...we'll see. I like the hiding strategy.

    I hate comment verification--have you seen Clay Baboons' post about it? Hilarious.

    Oh, and I can tell already that I'm going to be hit and miss w/ Manly Mondays. I will try to participate, though.

  22. Love the photos. If I had a private jet I would have been round for a jamma party in a heartbeat.

  23. I finally remembered manly Monday!

  24. You're sweet and I bet you are beautiful eyes, bazoos and all. I hope your night alone went ok, I LOVE a night to myself.

    PS: hurray for easier commenting!

  25. Hello from another large-eyed lady. I also have very large pupils ... nice when I don't need to be dilated by the optometrist, not so nice when I get wrinkles from constant squinting.

    Hope you survived your night(s) alone!

  26. I cannot tell you how happy I am that you have disabled the word verification thing. I loathe the blurry captcha phrases. You've just made my Friday (and yes, I'm behind on posting my comments - waaaay behind).