Thursday, September 6, 2012

Irrational Bears

Jolly Thursday, my fellow pin cushions.

My Thursday has thus far consisted of the following:
  1. Waking up after having apparently slept in some grotesque cirque-de-soleil position that makes my shoulder feel like it's trying to jump ship.
  2. Fasting to have vials and vials of blood taken out to check multiple hormones I can't keep track of.  Fully anticipating someone calling me to tell me I'll soon be able to grow a beard.
  3. Mr. T, the BFF, is having a minor surgery today.  When I had my chemical, he brought me the traditional miscarriage gift of a stuffed strawberry with feet, as you do, who is now the keeper of my fax machine.  I am hoping that CVS can help me come up with something equally as unnecessary and irrational to bring to him tomorrow. Perhaps a porcelain figurine of a bear or some sort of shellfish.


And now, some irrational fears on future children.

The Dancing Bear
Though Bub & I are essentially the same person with different volume levels, my husband is extremely introverted.  I am not.  This is quite a pleasant arrangement - I need quiet, he needs noise.  I've been in relationships with men who are as noisy and outwardly goofy as me and it could only ever turn into a never-ending dance off of one-upmanship.

That being said, if I had to deal with a tiny version of Bub's volume level, or if he had to deal with a tiny version of mine, we would be screwed.

I was born with a gift-curse of having whatever comes into my head come out of my mouth.  As a 4 year old, I regularly danced on tables in restaurants and once told a border guard that his mother in law was a pig because I thought it would make him laugh (it did).

A normal boring restaurant is Bub's nightmare - too many people.  Now if G-d willing in a few years we have a child, I am equal parts delighted and put off at the idea of Bub having a daughter that danced on his table and told the waiter his wife was a gold digging whore.

Equally as frightening, the idea of being in charge of not embarrassing a child with Bub's wallflower tendencies.  I would embarrass an outgoing child.  I am equal parts delighted and put off at the idea of a tiny Bub having to deal with a Mother fighting the urge to dance on tables and tell the waitress she admires her breast implants.


Dos Equis
We have two dogs and a cat.

Phoebe the corgi we've had for 6 years.  She was my idea - so skinny Bub out of nowhere got the type 1 diabetes, and was told that walking would help with keeping sugar low.  Just as I would not run unless I was being chased by a large blood thirsty bear, Bub would not walk without the threat of something peeing on him if he didn't.  Enter Phoebs.

We saw her at a big dog adoption, both loved her, but Bub thought she was too big.  In the end, I won.

Luna the giant puppy we got in March.  I had begged for a puppy for my 30th birthday in January to no avail.  Then, in the mystical inexplicable way which is Bubba he suddenly said one day "let's go get a puppy", so we did.

Now, try as I might to explain to these dogs that they were my idea - chase Phoebe around and tell her "Daddy thought you were too big!  and you're a corgi!", whisper to Luna that she is technically my 30th birthday present, they have both selected him as their human.

He is the most interesting man in the world.  When he walks from office to bathroom, living room to bedroom, they follow.  When he's working, they dive under his feet and try to engage him in play.  

When he gets home from work, cue the epic furry breakdown of desperately running around and trying to find gifts to bestow him with - even the cat occasionally gets in on it.  It's the 3 furry wise men bestowing gifts unto the apparently everyday newly born Jesus.  At 7 PM in this house it's the canine version of some charmingly spectacled girl in a tweed skirt passing out simply because the Beatles came on TV.  If they wore bras, they would be throwing them at him but seeing as they do not, they just bring him socks.

What if I have a kid who selects Bub exclusively as it's human?


Lick Your Face
Though I highly judge the behaviors of the dogs that were, excuse me, my idea - I am no better.  Bub gets home, and I quite literally tackle him and lick his face for a good half hour.  I flash him when he's in the kitchen.  I swat his butt when he walks by. I am used to only having these furry bitches as competition.

(Sidenote - can we please have a prompt day, where everyone titles their entries "A Weird Little Glimpse into My Marriage"?  Just a thought.)

So what exactly happens when you have a small person in the house?  You just kind of... nod a hello and then go about your already busy day, maybe catch up around bedtime?  Where is the face licking?



On the random front - I watched "Melancholia".  Anybody seen that?

Okay so I was told it was going to be long and boring, and I'm telling you it requires a very certain mood which I happened to be in at the time (artsy fartsy) but I loved it.

Definitely weird, definitely artsy fartsy, but I got it.  The jist of it is (and I'm not giving anything away here) the story of two sisters and how they handle the world, and oh ps a planet called Melancholia is headed towards a collision with Earth.

The whole point to it, I thought, was how one deals with melancholy (surprise, surprise).  You have one that when sadness arrives soaks in it until her fingers get all pruney, and another one who instantly goes into trying to make things better.  One is so used to feeling awful that the actual end of the world is taken with a shrug, and the other is so used to trying to make things better that she only loses it when she realizes that's not going to do anything.  So the jist of it was - Dancing Bear or Debbie Downer, when sadness wants to get you it's going to get you.  (Now what IF girl can't relate to that?)

40 comments:

  1. I absolutely think you have to keep up the face licking after small people arrive. I want my babies to see how much their parents love each other and know they are part of a solid unit and a demonstrative loving family, but also understand they are not the centre of the universe and mummy and daddy matter too. I greet Kitt every day in a similar fashion to the way Meg greets him and have done ever since we have lived together. Dash to the door and fling myself at his face. I intend to teach any ofspring that this is the correct and only way to greet their daddy.

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    1. Yessss! A vote for face licking! I feel like I can totally keep that up no problem.. The lack of nudity in this house, though, is going to take some getting used to.

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    2. Maybe I should save this for secret Sunday, but I was raised in a hippiish house where nudity was not uncommon, my parents were very open about nude bodies being normal and natural. Kitt, after his very catholic upbringing, still can't quite get used to my exhibitionistic ways.

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    3. I am so going to pop on over to where you are and peep through your hedges. Is that wrong?

      We are are a very nudey house. We have a giant sliding glass door in the back of our house which is basically the whole wall and I refuse to get curtains for it because I like the light.. Despite the enormous hedges around my house I'm still half anticipating ending up in some grainy video on some "my nudey neighbors" website.

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  2. Omg! I love the idea of weird marriage admissions. My husband might murder me.

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    1. We should totally do it. We can all name every husband's morphology levels but not any normal weirdness.

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  3. How did anyone not buy me a strawberry like that after my miscarriages? Someone did NOT SEND my friends the memo.

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    1. Fruit with feet = miscarriage. Surely this is in a lady-manners book somewhere.

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  4. Ditto to all the comments above...seriously...Face licking is very important...although the person who licks my husband's face is not me...that's a story for another time...I agree that keeping your relationship open when the little ones show up is very VERY important. I think it shows your children it's OK for a little PDA.

    Weird marriage admissions...totally for it...FREAKY FRIDAY? Sounds good to me :)

    And no one ever sent me a strawberry with feet....I feel so abandoned....I'm not volunteering to have another miscarriage just to get one...but my friends are now de-friended...

    As far as dealing with melancholy...I think IFers are pros at dealing with it...RESOLVE posted something on FB today about those who are given the dreaded "unexplained" diagnosis....if that doesn't throw you over the edge, I don't know what will....It was the biggest blow so far on my IF journey.

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    1. That's it. We're doing it. We're starting a husband tell-all revolution. I would say Friday but I want to get others on board... Perhaps a My Mystical Man Monday?

      I'm really going to need to know who licks your husbands face.

      I am unexplained! Woot woooooot! I tend to go into the dancing bear make jokes about it mode (I know, shocking) but that's what I liked about the movie... Do what you will with it, when sadness wants to get you, we're all fucked. (Again.. this movie takes a moooooood...)

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  5. If, at some point down the road, I am eating at a restaurant and I see a little girl dancing on a table and telling the waiter his wife was a gold digging whore, I will walk up to said table and say, "Stork? Is that you? I'm sams and I read your blog! How lovely to meet you and your hubby and your little dancing queen!" ;)

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  6. I started "Melancholia" last week but turned it off after 15 minutes of floating & then nothing happening but if you promise it gets better, I will finish watching it. I blogged about "V/H/S" last weekend and it is on most of the many cable's On Demand sections. It will satisfy your horror fix.
    I have many weird habits I probably won't be able to break when a baby finally comes along but I'm okay with that. I mean, at least we don't plan on chewing up food & spitting it in our kid's mouth but I'm sure Alicia Silverstone's kid will turn out "normal" anyway.

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    1. It dooooes get better - it is definitely slow paced, and it takes awhile to get weird (and it will) but I'd try to watch it. Even if you hate it it's... haunting. It's more of a late-night feeling-kind-of-mopey movie. Definitely not a girlfriends-and-popcorn movie.

      I'm going to check VHS out!

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  7. I have that same strawberry with feet, just because I thought it was cute in a kind of goofy way :)
    I watched Melancholia a little while back. I thought it was a very good movie, but I can see why some people wouldn't like it. You're right, you do need to be in an artsy fartsy mood to enjoy it! I thought the acting was great, even if it was a little slow.

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    1. Definitely slow.. but I was too lazy to change it for the first 15 minutes (and was kind of blown away by the opening visuals) and then it got.. freaky deaky. Which I can get on board with.

      Where did this strawberry come from?!

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    2. The strawberry is from IKEA! I love their quirky stuff :)
      And I agree, the opening visuals in Melancholia were pretty awesome!

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  8. Me and DH have a Boston as our only child right now and she is my little traitor.. Just like Phoebe and Luna were your ideas, Roxy was mine. When DH and I play fight, Roxy chooses his side; even though we spend all day everyday together! That's ok though, he can't get her to do all the tricks or listen as well as I can though ;)

    As a PP said about their family being a little free, DH's family lived in a nudist colony so he's use to naked and I am a free spirit; and everyday I wonder if that will trickle down into our house once little butts are running around. I hope not!

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    1. I am a PJ's girl most of the time - and then for sleeping I get nekkid. Bub, on the other hand, walks in the door and instantly has an allergic reaction to any clothes touching his skin. I only have two rules:

      1. Don't just leave socks on.
      2. No t-shirt if you have no pants.

      I find those.. unsettling.

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    2. LOL! My two rules are:

      1) leave your socks on while you're naked and
      2) leave your shirt on without pants.

      I love the sight of his manhood peeking out underneath his shirt, it's sort of like a naughty peek-a-boo! The socks thing I have no explanation for though :/

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  9. Reverse the genders in this post and it could have been written by my husband. Seriously, we are you and Bubs in reverse, right down to the traitorous dogs. ("His" dogs have been with us for less than a week and already they completely lose their shit when I come home. Maggie sleeps curled up by my side and Fred sleeps on the floor by me. They likey new dog mommy.)

    I also have to reiterate what the other ladies have said: don't stop with the making out once you have kids. J and I very openly show affection for each other (within reason) around his son. Along with the pluses of him learning that kissing and hugging is healthy and normal, I think it gives him a feeling of security. He can see that we clearly love each other and that this is a stable, happy home. I honestly can't recall my parents ever showing affection for each other and I'm pretty sure it effed me up.

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    1. I love your reasoning about PDA in front of kids. That actually makes way more sense than any reason I would have came up with; mine would have been, "because I love him more than you do ::sticks tongue out::".

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    2. You're so right.. affection = security.

      And damnit... what's with all the dog treason? I feed them for chrissakes!

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  10. I'm totally going to try to think of some weird marriage blog to write now.
    And, that strawberry with feet is hysterical. The reason for it not at all hysterical, but it itself is hysterical.

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    1. I found it to be a hysterical solution to a miscarriage! Stuffed fruit. OBBBBviously.

      We're gonna do it, damnit.. I will put a post up tomorrow begging.

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  11. All those fears/worries/concerns are perfectly legit. But something tells me you will handle it all swimmingly when it happens. And as for the 'lick your face' section... I believe (and this is just my two cents of course. 15 years from now, my wee-lings may be in therapy) I believe that it's important for a child to see their parents being playful, flirty, and being excited about each other. Ok, not THAT excited... get your mind out of the gutter. But it's important for kids to see that their parents love each other on many levels. Does that make any sense?

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    1. It does! I'm nervous about how it'll change with a third person in the room, I suppose. The level of devotion to him at the moment is psychotic. Psychotic!

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  12. I am all for revealing too much info about my marriage and anonymously embarrassing myself and my husband. Let's do dis!

    One of my random stupid fears is about our potential childrens' physical appearances, height mainly. I'm 5'2", my husband is almost 6'3". I just pray that my kids be appropriately sized for their genders. Amen.

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    1. Ha! As long as a son doesn't get the 5 ft 2.. I'm that height as well and Bub is 6 ft. I am somehow hoping we don't produce anyone Danny Devitoesque.

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  13. My Mystery Man Monday!!! Yessssss, please!

    I often lick my husband enthusiastically. I figure that if the dog thinks it's awesome then it must be.

    The dog loves K better. Bug was supposed to be my dog. K is a cat person. He hated dogs before we got Bug. He fought me tooth and nail when I suggested a dog. But the dog still loves him more. How does that work?

    Where's my freaking strawberry?! I should have four strawberries by now! My friends must suck.

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    1. There is, apparently, a need for a miscarriage etiquette book as people are clearly missing the fruit factor in their condolences. He also gave me a copy of "Fame" and 'The Passion of the Christ'. He deemed it all appropriate.. Oh how I love my best friend.

      It is DONE. I will compose an official plea for Manly Monday tomorrow.

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  14. 1. I'm now on a mission to go buy myself two fruit with feet stuffed animals. I deserve it!!!
    2. I love the sneak peek marriage idea, I'm in!
    3. Your fears about the babies having a similar reaction to bubs as your dogs is easily understood! I know it's not right, but I feel like I get first dibs, and for sure am #1 on the priority list with my kids. This is why I don't understand those crazy religions where the husband isn't allowed in the room during birth: for the rest of my life I get to remind my hubs, remember what my vagina has done for you? Remember???

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  15. I love your description of Melancholia, makes it sound much more profound than any review I read. And yes to licking faces, no to t-shirts without pants (the horror!) and definitely yes to weird stuffed fruit animals.

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  16. Mr T is clearly a legend. I love that strawberry!

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    1. ...and am considering what weird things exist in my marriage. there must be some as we are weird. they just must seem normal to me...!

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  17. You sound like you have a happy marriage, I think your future child will appreciate this, and I totally don't think you should tone it down! When your wee one grows up and wants to get married too, he/she will have a perfect example of what a good marriage should look like!

    I agree with Jenny's situation--I grew up in a family that didn't show affection to each other (or really even to me) and I think it effed me up too! My husband would probably agree too, as I think he has gotton fed with my constantly trying to cuddle with him lol.

    My dog is a traitor too. I do all the feeding, walking and lovey-dovey affectionate talk to him, and he absolutely still loves my husband more lol. Go figure!

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  18. Aww, you guys sound SO cute!! I think you must compliment each other perfectly :-)
    I am actually an introvert, and I LOVE to be around out-going people. It helps me come out of my shell. So I think if your kid took after Bubba, he/she would adore you :-D You would be the most fun, coolest mom I bet. I used to have a blast with my Dad, because he was the more crazy/out-going one.
    We have 3 cats and all but 1 love me. The other one only loves hubby! Makes me jealous!!

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  19. DH and I are like Jenny, the reverse of you and Bubs when it comes to the fur kids. He's the practical one that feeds them most, gives them their many medications and takes them to vet. But I'm super party fun time. Whenever we're on the couch I'll have all three lazily draped over me or sleeping against in some fashion, and because DH doesn't like it when I move and wake them he fetches me glasses of water and snacks and gets my phone. When I'm feeling generous I say, "Okay Skittles, it's time to pity love your Dattles," and then I shove her to him. She usually acts like a bag of boneless chicken cutlets when I do, refusing to go to this side.

    The cute thing about DH is that when it happens, he looks a little sad but he also likes willful creatures, so I can see a gleam of apprecaitiveness at Skittles behaviour in his eyes.

    I'm with everyone else, g-rated make out sessions, aka "slutty cuddle", are good for kids to see, to know their parents aren't just roommates but lovers.

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  20. Hey ... I never got the traditional miscarriage gift ... must go have words with the hub.

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  21. Points 2 and 3 have me terrified as well. What if they prefer him to me! Followed closely by, OF COURSE they'll prefer him he is AWESOME! Followed with... he IS awesome, but he's MINE! (and then later, much later, I wave the white flag to my non-existent baby-child and concede, "Okay, I don't care who is your favorite -- even though I really am getting the worse end of this whole infertility deal [just saying] -- just get down here already!"

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