Monday, September 24, 2012

The One Where I Screw Hope

Happy Manly Monday, putas!

Thank you, thank you, for re-affirming my negative.  It has been a looooong time since I have bothered taking any sort of pregnancy test, and I normally like to shove them under Bub's nose and say "this is just one line, right?" to curb any possible obsessions.

The only other thing that can get me to throw out a pregnancy test very quickly is to look at the result, and say to myself word for word, "Now Stork, based on this, are you going to run into the other room and announce that you are pregnant?"

Knowing it aint gonna happen without IVF is strangely liberating most of the time.  So I don't see a need to even involve Bubba with pregnancy test taking - because a logical person may see me peeing on something and say "aha, there is hope" when I highly doubt I even ovulated.  When one is without O, one is also without D or P.  So thanks for being my temporary internet Bubba.



Like most people, I started dating hope with total naivete.  Had she shown up on my doorstep wearing a leather jacket, wreaking of moonshine and sporting a tear-tattoo on her face for every one of her kills, I would have known what I was getting into. But no, she arrived a few years ago looking fresh and angelic - wreaking of innocence, Disneyland, fresh baked cookies and unicorn farts.

I was immediately infatuated.  After all, the only part of her reputation I was familiar with was the one where people had a chance encounter with her and then their lives were turned into a never ending Disney movie with families, BBQs, endless bowls of noodle salad and an apparently inescapable need to spread your joy on Facebook like internet herpes.

I was not aware that half of the people she dated had that lovely ending, and the other half were taken hostage, sodomized with lubricated wands and needles and then forced into a looping hell of awkward social situations where you're forced to pretend you're not actually dating.  (She is happily married to some - me, I'm her low self-esteem mistress who goes online internet stalking her actual spouses).

I fucked around with her every month for a long time.  I fucked with her at home, out with my friends, at family parties, on vacation - we were true exhibitionists headed for a very special episode of "Taboo" (no need to switch between us and adults who wear diapers for fun or fall in love with inanimate objects - we're taboo enough).

I fucked with her every month, and at the end of the month expected her to call.  Or acknowledge me.  Or decide that she was going to add me to the list of her spouses.  No dice.  And the following month, I would just go back and ask for more.  I was like all those silly girls that go on the Maury Povich show.  I would change her mind, she would change me.  True love and all that.

It took a couple of years of this for me to tell her to fuck off.

And now every once in awhile she calls for a booty call, and I have to re-tell her to fuck off.

I have to remind her that I want nothing else than to strangle her (slowly, and with lots of eye contact).  Bury her in my backyard and at the end of my labor dance a jig of glee on top of her, possibly to Jay-Z's "99 problems but a bitch aint one", and then pee out all the inevitable gallons of vodka I would have drank in celebration, because it's nice to leave the dead a little gift every once in awhile.

And now, for a Bubba fact for Monday.

Bubba works in the vicinity of Harrison Ford.  Not with or around, but it would be very likely to run into him in the parking lot.

Given Bub's volume level and professionalism, I do not expect him to carry a copy of "Indiana Jones" to work with him every day, and then the second it's possible to run up to him insisting that he autograph it for his wife.

But I have hope.

Damnit.


PS - I am going to put together a fancy shmancy tab for Manly Mondays and participants.

Manly Monday, newcomers - we just decided that on a Monday, we were going to share something about the men behind the infertile women other than their sperm analysis stats.

Soooo... If your name is not on this post, and you would like to participate, let me know - I'm gonna put all those snazzy ladies on the tab and any newcomers.



41 comments:

  1. I enjoyed your analogy. You and I seem to have the same relationship with hope. Right now we are in couples therapy with this up coming cycle. God I hope I'm not just being stupid. Sorry you aren't pregnant, you deserve to be.

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    1. She's a tricky bitch - couples therapy aint a bad idea for her.

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  2. Fucking hope....I hate that bitch more than the snotty girl who bullied me all through elementary school...Hope's got her claws back into me this month, and everything else is telling me to let it go. That pushy m-effing bitch won't let go, and my heart is tearing in to tiny little pieces, for the billionth time. I actually broke down and bought a box of tests...they were on sale and well let's face it....The only way to put hope away is to prove the bitch wrong....

    I would have jumped up and down til I wet my pants if I saw 2 lines there....I can't wait for you to be a mom....Only for you my dear will I hold on to hope, the skank, for you are so deserving of a child...

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    1. Thank you, lovely.... Hope and I are on 'prove to me you're worthy' terms at the moment.

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    1. I wish I had balls if only for her to suck them.

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    1. Waste of space that hope, barking up the wrong tree.

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  5. That bitch has been visiting me too...I'm so tempted to let her stick around for awhile but I know I'll regret it when she runs back to her real spouses!

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    1. I so don't get why we have to continually audition for the little bitch when she gives herself out so freely to others.

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  6. I broke up with hope a few months back, but every month since she has made at least one manipulative attempt to worm her way back into my affections, before fucking me over once again. I am now ignoring her.

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  7. Mmmm it is said that hope is the last thing that leaves the human but I don't know if I believe that anymore. I sneaks up on you even when you know it's not possible, so annoying!

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    1. She is SO annoying. She's the freaking VD of positive thinking.

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  8. I have a terrible feeling that, should we ever progress, she may eventually come over to my house and try and fuck me too...what a whore!

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    1. She is a whore! All over the place that hope.

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  9. Love this post! Btw, that movie should have been called Hope sinks! Hope crushes you. I'm totally numb, I think I will literally shit my pants if anything comes of my pending FET.

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    1. Agreed - numb's the way to go. I traded her in for numb long ago, numb is dependable.

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  10. I just kicked her out a week ago and she's already crawling back. She is so cute but I just have to tell her no.

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  11. You know, it IS strangely liberating to finally realize that you aren't going to get pregnant without IVF. I'm in the middle of my TWW (11dpo) and I haven't even bothered to break out a pregnancy test because that would be giving into hope. Might as well just wait for Aunt Flo to show up like normal.....

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    1. Yeah, let her prove herself to you, I say.

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  12. Love the, "and the other half were taken hostage, sodomized with lubricated wands and needles and then forced into a looping hell of awkward social situations where you're forced to pretend you're not actually dating. " part. OMG! That made me cackle. I think I still have my sharps container around too...one of these days I'm going to dispose of it.

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    1. I have mine too! I have no idea what to do with it.

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  13. I love this post! I feel like Hope is sitting right next to me taunting me, but she's going to have to wait until I have some hard evidence that it's okay to let her back in.

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  14. This is a great analogy. I just found your blog tonight and have really enjoyed reading it. The way you can find the funny side to everything is admirable. I wish I was more like that. I'm looking forward to following your ttc journey from now on and hopefully it will help me stay positive through my own journey

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    1. Welcome to the blogiverse! Tis amazing. You are in the right place.

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  15. I still love hope most times :-( I'm so naive, after all this time. I'd rather be how I am though....I think.
    I liked your analogy though :-) I will try to share my hope with you, even though you don't like her anymore.

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    1. Aww crap, I just saw your previous post :-( It's okay, I'm still hoping for you anyway!! :-) xoxox

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  16. Hope has time to screw around with all of us here...she's like, omnipotently sadistic. I'm sorry about your BFN.

    You can add me to Manly Mondays!

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  17. me!me!me!me! I posted my first Manly Monday this week. :)

    And damn Hope to Hell. She is currently doing her damndest to get in my head, but I'm willing her away with all of the Wonder Woman might I can muster. We have danced this jig too many times before. Well, at least for today. We'll see if she wins tomorrow. ;-)

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  18. Hi from ICLW,

    I love your analogy and your positive, humorous take on things. Hope is something I've definitely been trying to figure out lately. You helped me see it a little differently. Thanks!

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  19. I get what you're saying about hope, but I still love her. So far. And it's been 8 years of TTC for me.

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  20. Haha! I laughed so hard when I saw the angry uterus!

    Sister K

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