Secret... Monday.

Happy Monday, my Secret Church Parishioners!

Since in the US we were granted an extra weekend day, Secret Church is getting to you a little late, as I was celebrating Sunday by watching an exorcism film, as you do.

"The Possession" did not satiate my horror needs.

The basic storyline - during a period of 29 days, a girl goes a little bonkers, wherein the most frightening things she does involve eating raw meat in front of a fridge and weeping to herself, consistently looking like she's about to vomit, and wishing for the teeth of men who piss her off to just fall out.

Puhlease.  Child's Play.

Her allegedly demonic acts were among the most benevolent of mine during a hormonally charged period of 29 days.

Change the name to "The Clomid", call it a documentary and then call me.

By popular demand of last week's vote, I shall tell you the story of how I slept with Bubba two hours after I met him.

Keep in mind, I was 21, my father had just died, and I had no real interest in getting into a relationship - just wasn't my style - and marriage wasn't something I thought I'd ever end up in.

So a few months before I met Bub, a psychic (I know, don't judge me) who had always given me accurate, freaky accurate information, and lived hundreds of miles from either one of us, said without any prompt, "you're going to marry a man, and his name will be..." Okay, let's say my husbands name was Bubba Jones (it isn't).  That psychic said "You're going to meet and marry a guy named Bubba.... wait, it sounds like Bones, it rhymes with Bones".  (Keep in mind my husband's name in reality is SUPER unusual and that makes the rhyming part even more impressive).  So I did what any girl not wanting a relationship would do, and went on a crazy ass dating spree with anyone who was NOT named 'Bubba'.  

I even signed on to match.com to get a few dates.  So I contacted a guy, or he contacted me (can't remember) and we started writing emails and going back and forth and we were exactly.  alike.  How we saw the world, our religious beliefs, our political reliefs, we found the same things funny... So I gave him my phone number.  He called in December of 03 and left me a message (I was visiting here, not where I lived on the east coast). On the phone he introduced himself as 'Bubba'.  Soooo, cue a slight panic attack.  

It took me a couple of weeks to get over that, having told myself repeatedly that 'Bubba' was a very common name and that does not mean that this was who she was talking about.  Plus, I really liked this guy who I had never met.

So eventually I called him back - and after several phone conversations that ran wellll into the night, making me late for work, classes, etc., we set up a date for a Friday.  He lived in the state bordering mine, so he drove to me. 

When he arrived, I was still upstairs in my Mom's house getting ready - so technically he's known my Mom for about 20 minutes longer than he's known me.

When I first saw him, I was done for.  He was gorgeous.  I know people say this about their husbands, but he was gor. geous.  He drove me to the movie theatre, we got drunk in the parking lot, and by the time the movie started (Big Fish), we were all over each other.  It took every bit of strength not to leave the movie, but I made him sit through the movie because you know, I'm a lady. ;)

And in the middle of making out, on theme with being a lady, I asked him what his last name was - and he said the one that the psychic predicted.  But at that point, I didn't care.

So then we went to the first available place to do it - and before we did I said "I don't do one night stands" and he said "Me either" and then we were off to the races.  And boy did we mean it - I moved in with him 2 weeks later;  it's been almost 9 years and we're still humping.  Apart from this bum reproductive thing, I often feel so lucky that I half expect him to one morning wake up, decide that he's had his fill of this one night stand, and scoot on over to his now 2,000 mile away old home.

From Lame Revenge Seeker (her words!):

I've never told anyone this secret, not even my husband, because... well honestly if someone told me they did this I would judge them a little.  When I was in college, I got dumped by a guy had been dating for a couple months.  He happened to be the guy I gave up my V card to, so I was a little bitter.  So what's a girl going to do to get a little revenge?  Apparently this was the best I could come up with: I went to his house at 6am on a Sunday morning while everyone was still asleep and took a picture of his Jeep parked in the driveway, went to my college campus computer lab and made a flyer saying the Jeep was for sale for $1000 and put his name and phone number on it, printed out 75 copies of it, and taped them up all over campus.  When I ran into his roommate the next day, she told me about the flyers and said he had been getting calls all day and I acted completely shocked and wondered out loud who would have done that.  I have no idea who he thought did this or if he ever even suspected it was me.  Oh, and while I'm spilling embarrassing secrets that I will take to my grave, from ages 14-16 I was part of a Renaissance troupe that traveled around to Renaissance fairs.  

From B:

When I was in high school, I had a really strange guy in my homeroom in 11th grade.  He said extremely off-the-wall things to me and the people I hung out with.  On pajama day, he showed up in basketball shorts with stains on them.  I don't mean kool-aid stains, I mean it was a crusty white stain.  It set off my gag reflexes.  There was one day he asked a friend of mine, "When you gonna let me hit that?"  I didn't much care for that sort of talk to my friends so my best friend & I started writing him anonymous love letters in which he responded to.  It was the ultimate revenge.  He wrote some really dirty things in his letters & not only did he propose to this "anonymous girl", he also wrote a duet song for her.  Finally one day I happened to notice he was going to the special education classes.  I felt so awful & guilty and I still do.  This is my ultimate secret that has reserved me a special place in hell.

From Aspgriswold at Growing Griswolds:

I have a secret. I'm not sure if it counts really but it's a thing about me that not a lot of people know about. So, I think that labels it a secret. I don't have a uvula. The hanging-ball thing most people have in their throat. I don't got one. :) 

I had my tonsils taken out when I was in highschool. That is when I parted with my dear uvula. The surgeon got a little scalpel happy. At least that is what I like to think. Damn surgeons.

From Arwen at MRKH Musings:

As a still relative newly wed I am still at the keep the mystery stage. My hubs is a flatulent man. If I need to let one go I bide my time and wait (usually only minutes) till he farts then I sneak mine out quietly on the sly! Masked by his I always get away with it!

From SM at Unexplained Rantings:

I once had sex in the women's bathroom of a church. K (the hubs) and I were at the wedding of his cousin. On the way over, we got to talking about sex. We talk about sex a lot. This time we talked about the weirdest places to have sex. Then we realized that we had never had sex in an odd place. Our lives were not complete! Fast forward to reception time. K looks over at me during a lull in the conversation at the table and I just sort of know what he wants. So I excuse myself to the bathroom and K follows a few minutes later. Now, I thought we would sneak off through the church and find a really good place like behind the pulpit or in the sound booth but K didn't want to wait the five seconds it would take to find a better place then the bathroom. So it happened right there. Against the bathroom stall. It was awesome. No one surprisingly caught us but I do think the people at our table knew something was up when we came back slightly disheveled and basking in the afterglow. But who cares? I was happy!

From AnonyMom:

I'm not the only one to share a sex story, so here goes....My ex boyfriend and I were much more adventurous than my husband and I are...well than my husband is...I would  still totally get down and dirty or funky or whatevs, but my husband just a little inhibited...Taking risks was what made things even hotter...so when we were on vacation with my parents and my sister, her husband and their one year old child, in a small 2 bedroom cottage, we were assigned SEPARATE air mattresses on the floor in the common room. They didn't stay separated for long. One night things got heated, and we took it on the to front porch just as a thunderstorm was blowing in over the lake (for some reason thunderstorms turn me on, I'm weird OK)...it was probably the hottest sex I've ever had, and partly because it was risky both with my famliy less than 20 feet away and the fact that we could have been struck by lightening or the tree next to us could have been.... I still get a little frisky when a storm is blowing in, and my husband is willing to comply as long as we're inside a formidable structure....

So. Much. Brilliance.

Send in your secrets for next week while you're thinking of it, wusses!