Friday, September 21, 2012

Oh... You must have me Confused.

Fabulous Friday, my little Reproductive Felons!

If you are here from the fabulous ICLW, by all means - read on.  Or, you can click on this fancy shmancy little tab over here which will direct you to entries that will perhaps give you a saner and more relevant glimpse into the hamster-wheel mind of stork.

And now, a post where I free myself by confessing that when required, I can be a terrible twat.

So, I have this friend who we'll call "Manuel".  He is, even by my snooty standards, one of the most comedically gifted folks I have ever met.  I've known him since we were in high school back east, and now he lives here and is an actor.

He is obviously in a business where rejection is ample, and where things are said to you that in any other circumstance would be deemed 'rude'.. but usually put in Hollywood language.  You know, "you're too ethnic looking" means "you're brunette".  "You're very healthy looking" means "Boy are you obese".  He takes all these things, as you must, in stride.

He has one phrase, however, that he has used forever that I have always loved, reserved for moments of undeniable rudeness, which I have unfortunately had the distinct displeasure of having to use twice in the last week.

To pull this off, in response to a rude comment you must smile a little Romneyesque plastic smile, blink as much as humanly possible, make your eyes say "I'm from hell, homeboy" and calmly say:

"Oh... you must have me confused with someone else".


I complained about an employee to the manager of a grocery store.

Okay, okay - don't feel icky.  Give me a minute to get you on my side.

First, let me say - I have never.. lodged a complaint in my life.  Even when people are a little rude.  Why?  Because working with the public is the most G-d awful thing imaginable.

We've all been there at some point (unless you literally emerged from your Mother's vaginal canal so fancy you were wearing a top hat and a monocle, a-la-Mr.-Peanut).  You spend 8 hours with people sneezing and frothing and complaining and not putting their freaking phone down long enough to acknowledge you, all the while wearing some humiliating uniform that doesn't fit right.  And then at the end of the day, you get paid approximately 1/100th of the cost it would take for one session of therapy to undo it.

So I have never complained about anyone, with the exception of this 'manager' lady.

On occasion one with her, she was the only line available, and quite literally the only person I've never interacted with there before.  She didn't say hi, didn't respond to my usual "how's it going?".  Fine.

Then, still apparently totally unaware that I was there despite the fact that she was ringing up my groceries, berated a bag girl in front of me.  And I mean.. berated.  Used the word 'stupid'...repeatedly.  Totally in shock, I just said "well, that was awful" to her as I was leaving, chased down the now fleeing bag girl who told me that yes indeed, that woman is a horrible cunt but the manager-manager wasn't there that day.

A few days later, there is yet again only one line - for those of you keeping score, my urine cannot produce more than one line and neither, apparently, can my karma.

After the person in front of me is finished (and I have my shit on the belt) she flags down a woman who's leaving, and proceeds to have a giggly conversation with her.  I stand there for a minute waiting for her to finish.  Then two.  Then three.

Then in my squeakiest, non-judgey, most Disney-princess voice I say "Excuse me?" and without looking, she continues her conversation but sticks her "one minute" pointer finger at me.

I, at this point, have had it, and said quite loudly "Oh, you must have me confused with a 3 year old interrupting your phone conversation" and begin flinging my groceries back into my bag.

One of my usual checker-buddies walks by and takes me elsewhere because I'm being blown off, and while ringing me up confirms again that yes indeed, she's a cunt, and would I mind stopping by the manager-manager to say something because all the employees have, but it would be helpful to hear it from a customer.

So I did.

And though I am certain she deserved it, I still feel a little dirty and a little afraid of my grocery store, now.  I also feel a little like a poorly dressed Mr. Peanut.


Now, the second time I had to use it was with a door-to-door religion salesman.

Alright before you light your torches and grab your battering rams to storm up my driveway, let me assure you that it is already occupied by people with torches and battering rams.

Evidently (is it the Satan flag I have flying next to my garage?) my house is some sort of religion-magnet, despite the lovely "no solicitors" sign I have right next to my doorbell.

I get people twice a month, at least.  All religions.  Unfortunately, the two dogs are both furry little barking busts who throw me under the bus, even when I have quite literally injured myself throwing myself under Bubba's desk to hide.

I have answered the door many times because of said furry little busts, and because if they're not wearing a tie and button down shirt (the salesman, not the dogs) I can be thrown.

Seeing as I am a talker who doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings unless necessary, I have ended up in - no joke - hour long conversations on my front step. And when I'm in my house I'm in PJ bottoms and a holey tanktop not suitable for the holy. I once had a woman explain to me for 90 minutes that women were figs, and I'm pretty sure my nipple was out the whole time.

As I have mentioned before, I am happily without religion.  I'm not an atheist, I'm an agnostic who has taken what she likes from each religion and written off some things as hogwash.  But I'm nice, and I listen, I take the damn pamphlet (which is usually pretty entertaining) and get on with my day.

It takes balls, you have to admit.  The Jesus in my head is a rocking hippie - Will Ferrell in a tunic perpetually dancing to Norman Greenbaum's "Spirit in the Sky".  Does this make me want to go door to door asking other people if they are living up to the Will Ferrell image in my head?  Yes.  Okay, but not really.


While I am normally quite nice, today I answered the door, and had this conversation:

Stupid:  Hello?
Robot-Made-To-Look-Like-One-Of-Us:  Hi, ma'am.  I was just wondering, do you have any gay friends?
Stork:  Umm.... Yes...
Satan's Minion:  And are you worried that they don't understand the severity of the eternal hellfire that awaits them?
Blinky Eyes and Plastic Smile:  Oh.... You must have me confused with someone else.

And I slammed the door.

Sidenote:  Mr. T, the best friend, is as gay is the day is long.  Now wherever he goes after this life, that's where I'm going.  That party is going to apparently be free of judgmental assholes and let's face it, it's going to be exquisitely decorated.

I aint worried - I'm confident that Will Ferrell isn't judging.

43 comments:

  1. Yeah I'm more spiritual than anything myself. Oh and I hate rude customer service people. I worked for 20 years in retail and food service. There is absolutely no reason why she had to be such a wench to you and the other employees.

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    1. It was disgusting! And I am deeeeeelightful! What did I do?! Plus one would think that if you hate your job so much as a shift manager, that you would at least be able to put together that the bagger-girl probably hates her job even more.

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  2. When I was a little girl I had a t-shirt with the pink panther on it...the saying was "you obviuosly have mistaken me for someone who gives a whoopty do" I wore the shit out of that thing...I love to say that to people because well, really, when you use that phrase, do they really deserve any better?

    I love the selling religion thing. "have you been saved?" Um, I didn't realize I was in need of saving and based on your church's teaching I'm going to hell anyway because of how my child was conceived even though she was baptized in the HOLY Catholic Church and the place was neither hit by lightening nor did it burst into flames. But I digress...

    Good for you for reporting the mean grocery bitch. It sucks when you have to make a complaint like that and risk seeing said person on a regular basis after the complaint has been filed. But no one deserves to be treated how she was treating her co-workers let alone the customers. I've done my duties working for the public and never have I ever been so mean to any one...I've wanted to be like that, but I just smiled and said, "I'm sorry Ma'am. I must have been mistaken...." and when I used the word Ma'am I pretty much meant effing bitch!

    No judgement here...hugs all around!

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    1. And a swaaaat to your behind!

      I felt sooooo icky, but damn.. what are the chances I get the same person twice in one week and both times they're awful (although the berating-the-bag-girl thing was a whole other level).

      Agreed - this is where they lose me on the religion-selling.. The people who really push it are usually telling me that everyone I love is going to hell, and every judgmental butt munch is going to heaven. Which begs the question.. which party am I supposed to want to go to?

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  3. I love your stories! I fully support your manager reporting. That lady had it coming and sounds like she needs a swift kick to the shins. Also, I applaud your door slamming. I would have fruitlessly argued with them or said something mean. Slamming is about as nice as you could have been in that situation!

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    1. I just think... the balllls it takes to go to someone's door and ask them about the state of their soul. Sweet baby Jesus.

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    2. "He's not a baby...he was a grown man, he had a beard!"

      (Just to keep the Will Ferrell rolling!)

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  4. I hope you don't mind that I am going to be borrowing that line from you and your friend to use in various outlets. I LOVE it!

    I also don't complain to management about many things, but I feel like when I do, people listen because I let loose. I have been in many a customer service job: jewelry store, department store, waitress, popcorn shop, dining hall server, hostess, etc. I have always treated customer nicely even when they were completely bitchy and mean to me. I expect the same from other customer service people, especially when I am always nice!

    Way to go in your 2 cases of "get the fuck out of my office"! I especially love the door slam. So freaking powerful! Go you!!!

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    1. I am deeeelighted that people are not judging me for this. Even though I felt 100% right (because let's face it, berating that poor bagger girl in front of me is just horrible manners) I kept thinking "oh my... is this icky?"

      But I have never, ever ever ever, been rude to anyone ever who serves me because I'm aware that they're job SUCKS because I have had that job. But good Lord I think they can at least throw out a half-ass "hi, how's it going".

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  5. That woman sounds like a douche and deserves to be tattled on. I would have done the same, especially after the confirmation by two employees that she is a cunt.

    I have a stand-up cardboard Jesus I dress up every now and then in pirate wear that occasionally gets thrown into the doorway when bible thumpers come knocking. I don't mind religious people at all, just leave me alone at home.

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    1. She was a douche! The fact that I had to chase the bagger girl down to comfort her instead of the manager is MIND-BOGGLING.

      Agreed! Let's engage in a religious discussion on mutually discussed territory. Don't interrupt me in my pajama time.

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  6. Wow. That grocery store worker sounds worse than the clerks I encountered in London. And that's bad. (Seriously - rudest clerks in the world. If you say "hi" or "have a good day" to them, the only response you can expect is a hateful scowl.) Good on you for saying something. Yes, it's a crappy job, but even the crappiest of jobs doesn't call for that kind of behaviour.

    My advice on the I'm-here-to-save-your-soul-visitors: prepare a pamphlet detailing your belief in a hippie Will Ferrell Jesus. Have several of them by the door. Tell them you'll happily take their literature if they take yours.

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    1. Hahaha!!! That is NOT a bad plan at all... I might just do that.

      Page 1: Jesus loves gays, and hates bigotry of all kinds.
      Page 2: Jesus looks exactly like will ferrell. He told me.
      Page 3: Don't hurt anybody on purpose. And if you do it on accident, apologize.

      This could work...

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  7. I love this story. And that grocery store clerk does sound awful. I am glad you called her out. And you have such an awesome and amusing way of telling your stories. You always have me laughing out loud.

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    1. Ha! Glad they amuse, my pet. ;)

      Mostly she just made me feel bad for the people that have to work under her.. Had a few bosses like that myself.

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  8. Happy ICLW! I've been in customer service pretty much my whole working life and if one of my employees pulled that crap, I'd definitely want it brought to my attention. I think you did the right thing.

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    1. Helllooooo, ICLWer! I appreciate any and all votes that don't insinuate I'm a douchebag. ;)

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  9. So, were you at a Whole Foods? I would really love to work at Whole Foods and if that asshat can get a job at that store, maybe I could, too. The commute might be a bit prohibitive, but you never know...

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    1. Ha! Twas' not at Whole Foods, twas' a Ralphs. My sweet, sweet Ralphs which is otherwise a lovely shopping experience, has been infiltrated by a she-devil.

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  10. LOL!! You sure sound a lot like me....I'm always looking left and right with the "I-know-you-ain't-talking-to-me-like-that" look...I swear some people have literally lost all common sense. If the manager/needs a reality check chick had some, she'd be a bit more careful where she pointed that finger. I'm one to break it off... My husband tells me to say "Woosah" alot...I say it don't work. LOL

    On another note, for whatever reason, when they come to my door..and they seem to love my subdivision...those lovely faith people....I just tell them I'm Catholic (which I am to an extent) and they run fast in the other direction. LOL Not sure why that is, although I have an idea....

    Love, love, love reading your blog!!! Sometimes it almost sounds like my point of view and I could've written it myself...to the "T!"

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    1. Hmmm... Maybe I shall try that.. I am a recovering Catholic, but technically that's how I was baptized...

      Yay for people reading and enjoying my ridiculous blog! Stay, stay, follow, follow!

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  11. Gurrrl. You must do what you must do. I would have slammed that door the instant robot looking man said...Hi. Grrrr the nerve of closed minded people.

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    1. I mean, CLEARLY, if there is an afterparty after this life, I do not want to bust my ass getting to wherever that guy is going. No no, I will go to wherever the gays are going because they know how to throw an afterparty.

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  12. Girl! Something tells me that you can have way more fun with the God Brigade than you are having. You must mess with them! Like thoughtprovoking I tell them that I'm Catholic and they high tail it, which is awesome. When the Korean Church people come knocking, they are always bringing us tracts on child rearing. I told the hubs he needs to start telling them he married a barren, Catholic, white chick or else I'm going to ask his mother how to say that in Korean.

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    1. Woah - KOREAN church people.. I haven't had them yet! :(

      For the Jehova's witnesses, specifically, I haaaave thought of buying myself a demon halloween mask, and only opening the door with it on.

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  13. Good for you for reporting that horrible woman! And the NERVE to hold up her "just a minute finger" at a paying customer while she chats! Unbelievable!

    Ugh...I NEVER open the door to religious salespeople. I have actually been known to run inside my house slam and lock the door if I see them coming while I'm out in the yard. I leave my husband to deal with them! He's much more patient with them than I would be.

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    1. It's these damn dogs, and my car in the driveway.. Plus some of them peep in my window and see me! Bastards.

      Oh, and I assure you, this is all from the perspective of a person who would handle it WAAAAAY better than Bubs...

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  14. Yay for reporting the bitch! She sounds horrid.
    I never answer the door to the religious people we get around here. My crazy MIL is a Jehovah Witness, so I've heard more than enough to last me 5 lifetimes!

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    1. OMG. Your MIL is a Jehovah Witness.

      I am just... oh.... I'm just so sorry. Yick.

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  15. Ahahahaha! I love it! I have long been convinced that I have a "satan" tattoo on my forehead, visible only to church-goers, based on the judgemental looks I'm given when I make my yearly attempts at entering a holy place. The last time I answered the door to a religion robot, I had both kids screaming and was in no mood to fake a smile. When the sweet old lady asked me about my religious practice, I said, "I'm good." and closed the door. I waited all day for a lighting bolt, but nothing happened. Which leads me to believe that maybe, just maybe, God isn't that impressed with these people either.

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  16. Well fucking done on both counts but particularly the slamming the door on the religious asshole! you are most certainly not the twat, both those utter twats deserved it! I am definitely going to hell as a divorced remarried gal who will be creating life well outside of my own body, because God forgot my fucking womb! we'll all go party there together!

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  17. HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Both my dogs bark when someone appears at the door as well, but unless I know who it is, I refrain from yelling at them until I can get a good look through the peep hole and determine whether or not I want to buy boy scout popcorn or some odd flower arrangement. If I don't, I let them bark and hope they don't hear me sneaking away quietly from the door.....
    Can I suggest installing a peep hole? Of course then these blogs wouldn't be nearly as entertaining.

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  18. Ok...I am going to be the only one with the balls to say it I guess. You were completely out of line! How dare you?!?! Just kidding! I love it! I always think it is better to speak your mind. If not, you would have been replaying it in the car on the way home...I should have said this, I should have done that. Keep us posted next time you go to the grocery store!

    I think my house is on a published "sinner" list that they give to ALL the churches. If the mormons can't save this poor soul, maybe the Jehovah Witnesses can??? My husband rolled his eyes and said I antagonized a woman because I returned her pamplet. She shoved it under my door, I went to throw it away and was so disgusted by it (prop 8 garbage) I stopped pretending to not be home. I politely asked her to take it back because I was afraid to keep it in my house. I think I said, "excuse me ma'am? I need to return this to you. I am afraid if I keep it in my house it will catch fire. You see, I am a sinner and I love the gays. Have a nice day."

    Like you, I have a G-BF and if I had to choose which side to exit, I will follow the dance music and cocktails.

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  19. As a public librarian, thank you for acknowledging that sometimes my job is shit. Although I don't have to wear a uniform, I do get paid about 1/100th of what the therapy would cost to fix my life, especially on the days that people yell at me about paying $0.10 in fines.

    Also, at least you wear clothes at home. I on the other hand prefer to walk around naked with my white fleece blanket draped around me, pretending like I'm an overweight grecian goddess. Bonus? It scares the door-to-door folks.

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  20. Also, I own one of these: http://www.answermejesus.com/.

    The pastor who married us gave it to us as a wedding present because I admired hers so much. Answer me Jesus fixes all of my problems, and also sits on top of the refrigerator for easy access.

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  21. Hi from ICLW, which I am totally using as an excuse to pop my head out of the lurkers' closet and tell you I freaking love this post! Good. For. You. on both counts.

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  22. OMG...I think I just peed my pants. Bravo on both. I never complain either, but come on she had it coming. Maybe she won't be there next time you go in, here's hoping.

    As a young girl being raised by atheists my mom taught me to hide when they came to the door, and make believe we weren't home. Yeah 3 kids keeping quiet for 5 minutes as they lurked outside our door, ummm good one mom!! But in all honesty I hide now too. I'm too afraid to open the door like they are going to recruit me or have this power of me. Oh and BTW I want in on your religion Will Ferrell is the only god I believe in too!!

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  23. The kinds of things that people do when they don't know they're being blogged about ... it's shocking! I love that you got the "one minute" finger. I'd have turned her in for that, never mind the berating (which I think crosses the line from bad customer service to sheer cruelty).

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  24. I love this. And I hate hate hate ever complaining about people working anywhere, ever... but that sounds totally justified! I mean you were doing it to stand up for the other guy working there more than yourself right! so go you, stick it to the man.

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  25. I class myself as a Humanist Atheist, brought up in the culture of (and still embracing elements of) the Church of England with Pagan tendencies. Somewhat of a mouthful, but I am not easy to put in a box. In regards to complaining and dealing with religious robots, I am far too English with everything and just say no thank you and never complain. I do like the idea of a pamphlet to hand back though and I may have to create one...

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  26. Will Ferrell Hippie Jesus! This made my morning.

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  27. I applaud you for your two instances of shoving rudeness back into the faces of the initial instigators of said rudeness. I file complaints about poor customer service just about any time it occurs. Although, it has to be really bad to reach that level for me...usually a couple times a year. Most recently was our wedding last December. The event coordinator who we worked with (an employee of the hotel - not someone we hired independently) was the most incompetent person I had ever worked with in my life. The hotel ended up refunding us almost $1,100. I considered pushing for more but I didn't want to sink to their level and have karma come back and slap me up side the head. Or worse.

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