Saturday, September 1, 2012

Begin the Insidious Beguine

Happy Weekend, my fellow warrior wombed!

For those of you who have yet to form internet crushes on her, this is EmHart.  Today marks day one of her September photo challenge (go join, the only people who dislike late comers are those who have received a positive OPK, have already done it 80 million times this week and just want it to be over with).

I may be flinging my pictures together every few days, I haven't quite decided yet.

Today's secret word:  Beginning.

So how am I beginning my holiday weekend, in the US considered to be the last weekend of summer?

I do indeed wish I was spending it like some sort of romantic Cole Porter song - wherein I wear a fetchingly retro dress with tiny polka dots, engage in a clam bake during the day and dance the night away under a perfect moon with senor Bub.

Alas, I don't really have it in me.

So I begin this weekend as I do every weekend - getting out the door before 10:30 so I can beat the Chipotle rush, and then driving two miles out of my way to go to a drive-thru Starbucks, because standing in line behind perfectly coiffed rich ladies and hipsters is not any way for this Stork to start a Saturday.  (My weekend ensembles are more quazi-pajamas than charmingly polka dotted).

I give you my start to any and all weekends, holiday or no:


Tis a burrito bowl full of vegetabley goodness.  Not exactly American Pie, but as I am Mexican and in this glorious state most of our laborers are such, I shall celebrate them by eating the delectable goodies they have bestowed upon me.

I am also pissing the afternoon away by watching "Insidious", and though my husband is working in another room he protested my watching it because even the sound of violins from the movie are scary.  Bare in mind this is the second time in a week I've watched it.

I enjoy horror movies, particularly in dark uterine moments, as they are very often devoid of children unless they are of the evil, possessed variety.  (Don't even get me started about how 90% of adoptees depiction in TV or film is usually in horror movies, as we are all clearly birthed from the fiery loins of some she-devil and inflicted upon an unsuspecting family).

True story, went over to best friend Mr. T's on Wednesday afternoon and we watched it.   He then, without my knowing, put a picture of one of the characters as the wallpaper of my phone, which scared the bejeeze out of me.  So I waited until 12 AM, hoping he was just drifting off to the promising beginnings of a peaceful sleep, and then texted him a picture of this broad -


C'mon now... what's so scary about that?

Now Mr. T is my only IRL friend who has an appreciation for scary movies, and since he is in FL this weekend I am forced to drag my other best friend, Kali, to see "The Possession" with me tomorrow.

She protested me at first - yes indeed - but I have agreed to accompany her to get her IUD put in later this month, so I've managed to leverage that into a horror movie screening.

I am thrilled to have been nominated to be her IUD pal - whether she will be afterwards remains to be seen.  (There's something in Storky's brain that, when in a position of doing something too serious, goes "let's say the most inappropriate things we can think of and see what happens").

But, I think I am exactly what one needs when you are in for an uncomfortable vagina moment.  I would definitely put my ability to make uncomfortable things silly in the "Useless Talents" section which is admittedly 99% of my resume.

(Plus even if I wasn't excited to accompany her nooners, she presented this as a "see?  Now you won't have to worry about me getting pregnant" opportunity, and I'm looking into the legality of drugging people and forcing them to get IUDs.  I'll get back to you on this.)

We should all really figure out a way to have a Ladies of Infertility conference, wherein we start the day with forcibly inserting IUDs into the unsuspecting, and end with a drunken slumber party of laughing at the women in horror movies whose easily-birthed children have brought upon demons.  Just a thought.

Send me secrets!

23 comments:

  1. My husband and I are huge horror fans & we saw "Insidious" in the theater. Not bad but it didn't blow my mind or anything. However, when "Cabin In the Woods" comes out at the end of this month, watch that. That is a refreshing horror movie in these days of remakes.

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    1. It didn't totally blow my mind but man I thought a couple of their ghosty-concepts (particularly the 'fire man' who has a taste for tiny tim songs) were SUPER cool.

      I wanted to see Cabin in the woods! Hopefully it's on Netflix streaming.

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  2. "(go join, the only people who dislike late comers are those who have received a positive OPK, have already done it 80 million times this week and just want it to be over with)"

    This was the funniest thing I've read in a while. Thank you.

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  3. It might just be easier to spike the water supply with birth control pills. We can spread the word through the infertile network that we should never drink the tap water.

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  4. I will have to join the wuss corner I am afraid. I love my films and everything but not so much horrors. Even what lies beneath had me wetting my nickers. I only just managed the ring without having a nervous breakdown. I will stick to my musicals, cheese and classics if it is all the same to you. Now with all this horror talk I am off to hide under the covers with the light on. oh and Mexican is my all time favorite food group.

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    1. I am impressed that a non-horror girl would make it through the ring! Hats off.

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  5. Love the burrito bowl at Chipolte!!

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  6. If I got that text in the middle of the night I'd chuck that thing across the room. You'd be in biiiig trouble with my hubs since I already wake him up laughing at your posts. I've done it twice so far.

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    1. In my defense, he started it! I was innocently checking my phone to retrieve a text message and there was a demon man staring at me!

      And don't worry, I won't put her on your phone. Just under your bed.

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  7. That chipotle burrito is making me salivate. Mmmmmmmmmmm.

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  8. I think you've just come up with the plot for the next great horror movie! Haha! Love that part about the Ladies of Infertility Conference and IUDs. ;)

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    1. It WOULD make a great plot for a horror movie! Hot damn. Infertiles on the loose.

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  9. I like the idea of secretly injecting them with depo. Much less likely to be noticed....Plus maybe the overly skinny ones would gain some weight and make us feel better!

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    1. Yesss. yessssss! These ideas are BRILLIANT.

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  10. Mmmm burrito bowl!!
    I LOVE scary movies. Always have. Hubby will watch them, but they freak him out. It's funny to watch him jump LOL.

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    1. I looooove them sometimes - and they most definitely freak me out! It's a form of masochism, I suppose, my love of horror movies

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  11. BAHAHAHA!!! I love you.

    Let's watch creepy movies together, it'll be fun. If we're not cycling we can even get drunk :-)

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  12. In my line of work I "get" to work with a lot of pregnant and parenting teenagers...yes, I know, how I ended up with this job as an infertile, I have no idea...and I've always thought that if I ran the school system, I'd line every 14 year old girl up, shove an IUD in there (some last 5 years, I think)...and that will solve the teen pregnancy problem (and solve my problem of getting their charts on my desk week after week). I hadn't thought about expanding my program to other fertiles though...GREAT idea!

    Oh, and I REFUSE to watch horror movies! I can't sleep for a week afterwards! You are a brave woman!

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