Oh - today I am in two places at once, like a magic trick. I am guest blogging over at Growing Griswolds and inevitably causing her to lose followers - she is amazeballs, USA and you should check her out. A double dose of me in one day - much like taking a double dose of any drug, you may be delighted or you may die. I am also over here. (Magic magic magic magic....)
For those of you who fled the internet over the weekend like some sad abandoned carnival, a few of us had a little pow-wow and decided that today would be the day we would give a bit of a glimpse into the secret world of Men. Marriage. Men.
It just seems odd to me that we should know so much about the sperm of our respected partners, and so little about the actual partner himself (or herself) other than silly nicknames like DH, or Z, or Bubba. And so today is the day to give a little glimpse into our weird little marriages and the ones crazy enough to enter it with us. If you'd like to join us, by all means add your name in the comment section!
I give you a weird little glimpse into my marriage, and my Bub.
(Flowers from our wedding).
Bubba in Bullets:
- Prior to our meeting, he went to many-a-club with his friends, who have told me that he has been kicked out multiple times for falling asleep in said clubs. Once, he fell asleep on a speaker, and an employee told him he had to leave because "the tone we're going for is sexy... and this is not sexy."
- He has one main facial expression, which is 'grumpy', and subtle variants of 'grumpy'. This incidentally makes him very sexy.
- I pride myself in being able to make people laugh (it's my thing - in exchange for which I have 100 I cannot do), he is by far my favorite person to make do this. A smirk from him is my comedy high point.
- He is a born musician - can play any instrument. If you give him a shaver he'll figure out how to make music with it. This is equal parts impressive and infuriating.
- I guarantee he snores louder than your husband does. It's like sleeping next to a chainsaw ripping into an angry bear. I can no longer sleep without this noise. Equal parts impressive and infuriating.
- He is a professional computer nerd who lords over other computer nerds. He goes to work in a t-shirt and jeans, and stares at a black screen of programming jibberish. I like to think he works in an evil tower seeking world domination and I am thankful he doesn't feel the need to over-explain what he does because it might ruin this image.
- He is half German, primarily raised in Germany. There is no lingering accent, except for a few mispronounced words ('Q-pon', and my favorite 'rum' instead of 'room') for which I tease him mercilessly.
- The only porn he owned outright when we moved in together was mysteriously Portuguese, and mysteriously without sound.
- If he shaves in the morning, he will have a beard by nightfall that makes him look like he crawled out of the Bible.
- He puts wooden spoons in the dishwasher and his shoes in the dryer.
- Yes, he is my best friend. Show me the woman who says "I married my 4th best friend, really, but the top 2 were unavailable and the 3rd was gay".
A weird glimpse into my marriage:
- Everyday when Bub comes home from work, I have a barrage of pointless questions that I would like him to answer, like, "do you think the cat, because of weight and coloring, thinks she's shamu?" "Do you think there's a guy who got a sperm analysis, who can't cum without shouting and talking dirty to the porno ladies, and made an ass out of himself?" "Why are rubber ducks a thing?" He is a very good sport.
- When he's being too quiet I pinch his nipples and gently slap him. (He is, decidedly, not a fan of this).
- I can't do dirty talk (I'm more of a dirty listener) so I like to send him one word texts with dirty words. You know - PENIS. SEX. VAJAYJAY.
- Inexplicably when he's in the kitchen, I have to flash him or pull his pants down before going about doing dishes or cooking. No I don't have OCD - it's not like I think gravity will reverse itself and we'll all go flying if I don't, it's just... what I do in a kitchen.
- On occasion he playfully calls me "bitch" and I playfully call him "mein fuhrer". I love this, however I'm a little worried we'll accidentally do it in front of someone who will misinterpret, much like I'm afraid I'll accidentally kitchen-flash him when someone is over for a civilized dinner.
- I do not let him leave the house without a kiss and an I love you. If I don't do this, gravity will reverse itself.
- I cannot fall asleep undrugged if there is a light on in the neighbors house much less my own. He, on the other hand, loves nothing more than to fall asleep on the couch with all the lights on in the house and the television blaring something inevitably loud and violent.
- We have a box of sex stuff in our closet. Married 6 years, and while we certainly have the occasional off week we haven't reached that sex-slow-down I've heard so much about.
- While I always thought it was cheesery, I can safely say with absolute certainty I love him more now than I ever did before. And I was psychotically in love with him pretty much from day one.
Other Manly-Monday participants (and if I somehow left you out - some seemed less committal - lemme know in the comments and I will add you!)