Monday, September 10, 2012

A Weird Little Glimpse into My Marriage

Manly Monday, My Minxy Mom-abees!

Oh - today I am in two places at once, like a magic trick.  I am guest blogging over at Growing Griswolds and inevitably causing her to lose followers - she is amazeballs, USA and you should check her out.  A double dose of me in one day - much like taking a double dose of any drug, you may be delighted or you may die.  I am also over here.  (Magic magic magic magic....)

For those of you who fled the internet over the weekend like some sad abandoned carnival, a few of us had a little pow-wow and decided that today would be the day we would give a bit of a glimpse into the secret world of Men.  Marriage.  Men.

It just seems odd to me that we should know so much about the sperm of our respected partners, and so little about the actual partner himself (or herself) other than silly nicknames like DH, or Z, or Bubba.  And so today is the day to give a little glimpse into our weird little marriages and the ones crazy enough to enter it with us.  If you'd like to join us, by all means add your name in the comment section!

I give you a weird little glimpse into my marriage, and my Bub.

(Flowers from our wedding).

Bubba in Bullets:


  • Prior to our meeting, he went to many-a-club with his friends, who have told me that he has been kicked out multiple times for falling asleep in said clubs.  Once, he fell asleep on a speaker, and an employee told him he had to leave because "the tone we're going for is sexy... and this is not sexy."
  • He has one main facial expression, which is 'grumpy', and subtle variants of 'grumpy'.  This incidentally makes him very sexy.  
  • I pride myself in being able to make people laugh (it's my thing - in exchange for which I have 100  I cannot do), he is by far my favorite person to make do this.  A smirk from him is my comedy high point.
  • He is a born musician - can play any instrument.  If you give him a shaver he'll figure out how to make music with it.  This is equal parts impressive and infuriating.
  • I guarantee he snores louder than your husband does.  It's like sleeping next to a chainsaw ripping into an angry bear.  I can no longer sleep without this noise.  Equal parts impressive and infuriating.
  • He is a professional computer nerd who lords over other computer nerds.  He goes to work in a t-shirt and jeans, and stares at a black screen of programming jibberish.  I like to think he works in an evil tower seeking world domination and  I am thankful he doesn't feel the need to over-explain what he does because it might ruin this image.
  • He is half German, primarily raised in Germany.  There is no lingering accent, except for a few mispronounced words ('Q-pon', and my favorite 'rum' instead of 'room') for which I tease him mercilessly.
  • The only porn he owned outright when we moved in together was mysteriously Portuguese, and mysteriously without sound.
  • If he shaves in the morning, he will have a beard by nightfall that makes him look like he crawled out of the Bible.
  • He puts wooden spoons in the dishwasher and his shoes in the dryer.
  • Yes, he is my best friend.  Show me the woman who says "I married my 4th best friend, really, but the top 2 were unavailable and the 3rd was gay".

A weird glimpse into my marriage:

  • Everyday when Bub comes home from work, I have a barrage of pointless questions that I would like him to answer, like, "do you think the cat, because of weight and coloring, thinks she's shamu?" "Do you think there's a guy who got a sperm analysis, who can't cum without shouting and talking dirty to the porno ladies, and made an ass out of himself?" "Why are rubber ducks a thing?" He is a very good sport.
  • When he's being too quiet I pinch his nipples and gently slap him.  (He is, decidedly, not a fan of this).
  • I can't do dirty talk (I'm more of a dirty listener) so I like to send him one word texts with dirty words.  You know - PENIS.  SEX.  VAJAYJAY.
  • Inexplicably when he's in the kitchen, I have to flash him or pull his pants down before going about doing dishes or cooking.  No I don't have OCD - it's not like I think gravity will reverse itself and we'll all go flying if I don't, it's just... what I do in a kitchen.
  • On occasion he playfully calls me "bitch" and I playfully call him "mein fuhrer".  I love this, however I'm a little worried we'll accidentally do it in front of someone who will misinterpret, much like I'm afraid I'll accidentally kitchen-flash him when someone is over for a civilized dinner.
  • I do not let him leave the house without a kiss and an I love you.  If I don't do this, gravity will reverse itself.
  • I cannot fall asleep undrugged if there is a light on in the neighbors house much less my own.  He, on the other hand, loves nothing more than to fall asleep on the couch with all the lights on in the house and the television blaring something inevitably loud and violent.
  • We have a box of sex stuff in our closet.  Married 6 years, and while we certainly have the occasional off week we haven't reached that sex-slow-down I've heard so much about.
  • While I always thought it was cheesery, I can safely say with absolute certainty I love him more now than I ever did before.  And I was psychotically in love with him pretty much from day one.

Other Manly-Monday participants (and if I somehow left you out - some seemed less committal - lemme know in the comments and I will add you!)

I am traveling to the OC today (or as I like to say, behind the orange curtain) so I am gleefully looking forward to coming home this evening and getting my fill-o-gossip.

30 comments:

  1. I'm working on mine right now. Your marriage is pretty fascinating!

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  2. I was drunk this weekend, and missed the post. I would love to be included in the Manly Monday extravaganza! God knows, I have plenty of manly marriage tid bits that are sure to amuse.

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    1. Ha! I have visions of you being drunk from morning to night throughout the weekend. AWWWWESOME.

      Adding you.

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  3. You two are so delightfully weird. Is it creepy that I already love you both?

    I guess it's going to be a two-post day from me. What dirty little marriage secrets can I spill...?

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    1. It is not creepy... YOU may find it creepy now that you will receive an invitation to one of our orgies.

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  4. I am married to a programy geeky computer nerd too. I don't ask too much about what Kitt does because when he tells me it all sounds like words in another language and I start to glaze over. One of these days (maybe next manly Monday) I will post a picture of his ridiculously large water cooled computer. I also need absolute dark to sleep, but I also need utter quiet, thank goodness Kitt is not a snorer (except when he is trollied) because just his breathing is sometimes enough to keep me awake. I am adoring reading these little glimpses into the men of our world today. They all sound gorgeous.

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    1. Honestly EmHart, why aren't we sleeping together? Sheesh.

      Whenever Bub talks about programming for more than 30 seconds he begins to sound like the adults on Charlie Brown.

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  5. I just posted my many monday post! Please add me to your list. I'm so jealous of your husbands musical ability...I have none whatsoever and am always jealous of those who just get music. My husband also somehow grows a full beard between the hours of 6am and 5pm...crazy!!!

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    1. Added you, my love!

      It is infuriating. I can play piano, I am convinced that with the correct acoustics (the shower) I can sing.. But I have never seen that man pick anything up that he wasn't able to play beautifully. Argh! ::shakes fist::

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  6. Haha. I feel like you and Bub are me and my husband on steroids. Like you're obviously the extrovert, as am I, and the guys more introverted, but you guys are the EXTREME, and we are just a mild case.

    Penis.

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    1. Oh we are extreme. If I wanted to kill him all I'd have to do is starve him to death by putting a stranger in the middle of our kitchen.

      VAGINA.

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  7. I come up with tons of pointless questions to ask my hubs when he comes home from work too. About half the time he is a good sport about it.

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    1. Why is this a thing? I do not know. It would make more sense to just google things but really I like to hear wild totally incorrect theories before settling on an appropriate answer.

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  8. I SOOO love this idea! I just posted my Manly Monday post.

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    1. Well helllloooooooo new person!

      Added you, my pet, and off to check out...

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  9. So I wanted to comment earlier while I was at the vet spending a small fortune to have them tell me my kids are all ok....kind of like going to see the RE and have them say, I don't know why you can't get pregnant, everything seems to be just fine....Anyhoo...I had been planning a big post all day, and then I decided to pick just one little topic about Babe for the post...I really like this idea. It gives a different perspective...I've really enjoyed reading everyone else's posts too...You are an amazing woman....I wish I had one 10th of your ability....I might be as cool as your toenail clippings then :)

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  10. ps....I couldn't post my comment earlier because of the prove I'm not a robot thingy (my brain fart seems to have done some serious damage because I can't recall what that stupid thing is called)...apparently iPhones don't like those things....I ended up turning mine off....and now all of the sudden it annoys me more than ever...so I didn't want you to think I wasn't commenting...I just couldn't

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  11. It's good to know we're not the only weird ones out there! I find myself wondering quite often if other couples do the things we do. Now I know. We are the tame end of the weird spectrum.

    I have tons more things to fill many more Manly Mondays if you so desire to lead more. Stories of the weird and manly abound inside my head.

    BOOBS is my favorite word to text K. He's gotten mad at me a few times because he's opened that text while talking to a coworker or a friend. He's afraid they'll see it and think dirty thoughts about us. I fail to see the problem with this.

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  12. We just spent the weekend teasing my MIL for saying "rut" instead of "root". No, I would not like a "rut" beer float, thank you.

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  13. Better late than never! I am so sorry! I totally forgot. Im that person that is like... dont forget dont forget dont forget... then when it's time to not forget.. you forget.

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  14. I love the pointless questions. ;) I just posted my glimpse on pretzles and chocolate. You can add me to the list. Also, while I'm here, loved the 9/11 post. Powerful.

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  15. Oh my gosh!! I laughed so hard!! Love it. And you.

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  16. Haha! Love this! I actually laughed out loud a few times while reading about your hubby and your marriage. Love that you're writing about these topics and that others are joining in. :)

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  17. I love this idea and you and your husband crack me up. I am sooo afraid hubster or I will accidentally say one of our, um, inappropriate private jokes in front of someone. Constant vigilance when other people are around. This is totally mean, but I'm kinda glad to hear your husband is louder than mine, because I totally thought mine was the loudest.

    Count me in for Manly Monday!

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  18. I just started my infertility blog today (ironically I used to have a blog in college about how slutty I was. I want to punch college self in the face.) Anyway, On Monday I'd love to participate in your Manlyness if you're okay with having a baby blog on there...

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  19. Omg this was hysterical! You two are so cute! I'm a new reader after seeing almost every blogger I follow refer to yours. I'm in for both! I love secrets and I love to share about my hubby and our weird little marriage. :)

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