Thursday, August 30, 2012

Degrees.

Happy Thursday to the Barren and Blogging!

I am done with summer.  DONE.  Nevermind the fact that it is forever and always going to be the 'summer of a chemical pregnancy' in my mind, but it's 100+ mother effing degrees outside.  While I am a true American-mutt, I am mostly Welsh which means my skin tone and general temperament was meant for cloudiness and moodiness and not this never-ending-freakshow of sunshine.

It's tiresome.  I miss the thunderstorms, snow, etc., of the east coast.  With the exception of about 3 weeks out of the year, waking up to yet another beautiful day is fucking exhausting - makes me feel like I should be doing something wildly outdoorsy and positive, like I should be living out a fucking toothpaste or tampon commercial.

(Did I pick the right state to live in or what?)

On the subject of Fall - my lesbian-internet-crush EmHart is having a daily September photo challenge. I have never participated in such a thing and am notoriously crap at taking photos, but I am excited to give it a whirl and post my photos in a weekly posting.  Hopefully it will help bring on Fall a little faster.  Join us.  Drink the koolaid.


So, one of my bloggy friends, Ms. D, is pregnant.

She wrote an entry a couple of days ago basically about the general discomfort of being a newly-pregnant IFer.

This has to be completely uncomfortable.

Why?  Because when you're trying to make a baby for such a long time, you're very familiar with the "Oh crap" punch in your gut the minute someone says they're pregnant (and the varying degrees of happiness you can manage to muster for that person, which are often teeny-tiny 'can someone hand me a microscope?' amounts).  So I think we can all agree, when we finally get pregnant (and we will, damnit) even though we cheer for our own sisters in shittiness far more than the average fertile, we will know that the cheer is a spice, the mustered-happy is the mustard, not the whole hot dog.

Instead of the blissful ignorance of a fertile, when we say "hooray, I'm pregnant!" we will be able to instantly bring to the surface the feelings that that's going to bring other people, like when a song you listened to when you were going through a break up comes on the radio and it acts like a musical time machine.  The newly pregnant IFer is far more likely to associate the "I'm pregnant!" song with a lot of sadness and fear than they are genuine giddiness.

This has me thinking about how we have a tendency to 'rate' ourselves according to who has it worse, and the degrees of sympathy for each other.

Some admissions, first - because of years of infertility there are people for whom I would happily stand at the door of Club Infertile and bounce them out.




The people I will happily chuck out are those who are in the throws of a panic attack after one cycle of timed nooky.  This is not because I'm mean (fine but it's unrelated) but only because by the time I'm done laminating their club cards they will already be at the doors of Club Pregnant.

Second admission - when I click on an ICLW link or  on the name attached to a witty comment on a blog - if that person is already pregnant I usually don't stay, unless there's something that really stands out about it.

There are of course exceptions to this (the exception's usually in the writing itself instead of the subject matter).

 But, you know, if I were a long-time-single girl and blogging about it, I may not be too keen on blogs that are solely focused on wedding planning or the unbelievable love someone has for their husband.  Or if I was blogging about having to lose 100 lbs, 99% of my related-blog interest would probably be about women who are in some stage of a diet - not the ones that are 110 lbs after having lost the weight a year ago.  (The exceptions being the girls that still clearly have the soul of a fat/single girl).

I mostly want to meet the girl when she still has weight to lose, or when she has just met somebody - then I'm invested and totally stoked when she's skinny or in a relationship. I want to see someone get happy.




So some comparisons that we tend to make that are pretty gross.

IVF vs. IUI vs. Clomid
I am far down the road on the crazy train.  Not only do I have to do IVF - but I get to be a challenge within IVF.   At this point in time, Clomid seems charming and cute by comparison.  At the time it was fucking awful.  At the time, it was a rancid experiment titled "how many days can we go without committing a homicide?"

If Infertility were the Titanic, I have spent years watching people either right away or at the last minute find themselves a lifeboat, and I'm still stuck on the damn thing dancing & playing the violin, and trying not to notice that it's getting a tad chilly.

That being said - all I have to do is remember that Clomid sucked balls, too, and try my very best not to be jealous of people who may not have to go as far as I do.  I may be closer to the water and there may be less lifeboats, but I can still remember that 10 minutes ago I was still in a fucking panic about escape, and it was still 0 fucking degrees outside.


Miscarriage vs. Never been Pregnant
I think I may have even said this to D - but a year ago, I had thoughts like "if I had only had a chemical pregnancy, then at least I would've known I could get pregnant".  Now I can see that that's hogwash.

I did 2 1/2 years hard time in the "I've never been knockedupinstein, not even once" prison camp, and now I'm on the icky end of a chemical pregnancy.  It's apples and oranges.

We could debate all day whether it's better to have never had any chocolate while the whole world is a veritable Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, or to have been allowed one square and then be told "nope, no more, not ever".  The bottom line is both suck.


Success vs. Not Yet
Now, having admitted that I don't usually do blogs that are pregnant before I even find them, the ladies that find success on some leg of their journey are still members of our group, I get happy for them and to sweeten the pot I even get a little hope for myself.  (And, should we ever indeed be the founders of an Infertile City, our neighboring towns are going to have to be full of IFers in recovery to be a buffer between 'us' and 'them').

No, nobody should feel 100% totally awesome when one of them gets knocked up - and I don't think they expect us to.  Not to mention that aside from the (to steal a quote from EmHart) Born Again Fertiles who seemingly forget they had trouble in the first place, they're the only mamas who are still going to get us.

Keep in mind, newly pregnant, you are the only ones that we muster any genuine cheer for.  Keep in mind, not-so-much-pregnant, that it would suck balls to be in a world where IFers never succeeded - and that more than likely said newly-pregnant has already to some degree had her pregnancy tainted by constant thoughts of "is this really going to be it?  Is this really going to be it?". She is therefor, definitely still not one of 'them' and needs us to rally around her, and maybe cut a few bitches.



So, the jist of Stork's point today, as one of the Elders in the Infertile Tribe, is that we should all try to be as inclusive as possible in our little club.  With the exception of those fucking asshats that try to get in after two months.

46 comments:

  1. Lady, I relate to this post on so many different levels I will write a blog post in the comments in response or your post.

    1) Get me out of this fucking sunshine, now. I'm sick of the never-ending sunshine. Whenever I see winter on television I experience a pain of longing. Fall and Winter are my favorite. How the hell did I end up in a desert during the fucking summer? Bad luck all around, that's how. In fact, I was thinking about joining EmHart's photo challenge. It sounds like a lot of fun, but I am not creative enough to find images of "Indian Summer" or "Harvest" in the middle of the desert. How do people exist without seasons? I will never understand.

    2) My husband has friends, a couple, that took nine months to get pregnant. When we told them about infertility and such, they said, "Oh, we get it. We know what it is like to not get pregnant right away." Really? Do you know what it is like to get hit in the mouth? Cause that's what I'm going to do to you, you asshat.

    3) My first ICLW was a month after my first miscarriage. I didn't realize there would be so many pregnant and parenting folks on the list. I naively decided to hit the Iron Commentor mark. Reading blogs about pregnancy and parenting from people I had not established a relationship with was physically painful. I will not do it again and I completely get the purpose and intent behind the PAIL blogroll.

    4) I make those comparisons and I'm not proud.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1). It is SO. UNFAIR. For a hot second in November it looks like it would in September everywhere else, it gets down to 60 degrees come Christmas time, and then it's back to sweating in places that no one should sweat.

      2). I had someone with 3 kids say to me (and one took 3 months! Imagine such pain!) "I'm jealous of all that time you're getting alone with your husband". (Ahh yes, and I, your IQ of 65).

      3). Yeah - could not. do. Iron Commenter. I could definitely read that many blogs but I keep running into the ones that are solely pregnancy updates.

      Delete
  2. This is such an interesting topic. (Not the sunshine. I'm more of a fall person, but I am capital-S Southern, so it doesn't bother me so much.) I feel like I never know where I fall on the infertility spectrum. I have miscarriages -- one at 12 weeks after seeing the damn heartbeat and everything -- but I have a major obstacle to getting pregnant in my stupid half uterus and one fallopian tube. Then, if I could ever STAY pregnant the times I'm finally able to get pregnant, I'm extremely high risk, and that will come with a whole different set of issues. So it's not even like it would be "yay, the person who couldn't get/stay pregnant for years is pregnant." It would be more like "oh shit, when's the other shoe going to drop." And because of my uterus/fallopian tube issues, the help we can get or are willing to get from an RE is limited. So I've felt a little bit of the . . . I don't know, hierarchy? of the infertility treatments from others, mainly because of misconceptions of what my problems are. Like I get the feeling some think I don't know how hard it really could be because I'm "only" on clomid, even though my clomid is heavily monitored.

    Anyway, totally agree. And good topic. I may use it as a jumping off point and make a post about it myself!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DO IT. DO IT!

      It is strange where we all fall on the list... There are a few who have been through hell and high water and definitely get to be at the top of the 'oh man does SHE deserve it' list, and then there are the ones that try to sneak into our club after a smidge of timed nooky... The rest of the list is bullshit! It's all a garbled mess of nonsense but everyone still seems to rate each other.

      Delete
  3. I love everything you wrote.

    I feel envy and jealousy when a fellow IF gets her positive. But I am working very hard on also remembering to celebrate for them. You're right, the comparisons don't help anyone. I've been thinking a lot about the word "compassion" lately...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Meeeeee tooooo. I think we also have to keep in mind, particularly with recovering IFers, that if one leaves our ranks that's not taking a spot away from us.

      Delete
  4. Sometimes I think you are in my head. Your posts are so spot on. I find myself doing a lot..okay, all... of these comparisons. I am not proud. I know it's irrational. I am on my 2nd IVF and nearly 4 years of trying to get knocked up. That doesn't make my struggle any harder than someone who has been at it for 2 years and succeeds with IUI. I have to remember I was just as stressed and upset at the 2 year mark as I am now. But sometimes I can't help rating who I think "deserves" it more. We ALL deserve it. Also, I have not received my laminated Club Card. Who do I speak to about this?

    Now, I grew up in LA and even I am getting a little tired of all the sunshine. I had my embryo transfer today and my RE wants 3 days of bed rest. I don't have AC so it's at least 90 degrees in my apartment and the fans just blow around the hot air. Fun days ahead.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I AM IN YOUR HEAD. Just be thankful you're not in mine it's just a hamster running in a wheel up in here.

      I go back and forth about being jealous of people being further back on the crazy train - the only positive I manage to find is that I manage it better now.. It's like if you have some funky mole, I'm not sure what's worse - before you go to the Doctor thinking "it's cancer it's cancer it's cancer" or after you go to the Doctor, he says "yup, that's cancer - here's a few options" and you have awhile to get used to it.

      Every single pregnancy, though, IFer or not, I have to work my ass off not to be jealous.

      YAY for embryo transfers!! My old apt in Weho had those crazy slat windows and then I had an apt in the valley with a wall unit (hahaha good times...) I now thankfully am in a house with central air but it's turning me into a hermit. ;)

      Delete
  5. I'm not sure it's possible to go through this - or life in general - without comparing your journey to that of others, or feeling envy (or guilt) about what you don't have/have.

    When I was a single woman trying on my own, paying $600 a pop for a teeny tiny vial of sperm, I definitely envied the women with partners who had a sperm-making machine at their disposal. Now I'm in a place where my Choice Mom friends probably envy me because I have one of those sperm makers. But honestly? It really hasn't made things that much easier for me. I'm still not getting pregnant and it still sucks ass. And there were actually nice things about trying on my own (ie. not having to worry about hubby's feelings about everything or him being in the mood to procreate, etc.). I've often found myself wishing I could just get pregnant, even if it didn't stick. I've wanted to know that at least my body is capable of it. But I'm pretty sure I'll feel differently about it if I ever do get pregnant and miscarry, just like I realized that having a partner doesn't automatically make this process easier. Intellectually I know all of this, but in my heart there's still envy for all the women who at least get there. I don't feel proud of it at all, but it is what it is.

    I think the key in all of this is to try to hang on to your empathy, even in the midst of the pain and the (sometimes self-indulgent) sadness. I'm probably always going to wish that I could achieve what others have, but I'm aware that it's no piece of cake for them, either. There's still that common thread of infertility connecting us all and we need to hang on to that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I compare my journey to everyone else's constaaaaantly. But I'm trying to figure out how to knock it off as much as possible because it's not getting me pregnant.

      I didn't know you were trying to do this on your own at one point! I bow in the shadow of your awesomeness. Warrior woman.

      I really really thought it would make me feel better if I just got pregnant, once.. Then at my WTF appt post-IVF, after a few tries I got my fancy-shmancy-definitely-reputable doc to level with me.. And he said that as far as early loss goes it's more our tendency as empathetic humans to want to say "see, you got pregnant once so it'll likely happen again" then it is an actual scientific indicator.. Which I'll probably never post in an actual blog post, but I'll sneak that into the comments..

      Yup, this whole thing is a huge lesson in empathy, for sure for sure.

      Delete
    2. Yeah, I think the longer I'm in this shit-hole, the less I compare myself to others. Or maybe it just bothers me less. Or maybe I just deal with it better. Whatever the case, I don't let it gnaw at me the way it used to. I guess at some point you just realize that it's non-productive and only makes you feel like crap.

      Also, I wanted to clarify that I do not think of men, especially my husband, only as sperm-making machines (in case anyone got that impression). Thankfully, I married my husband because I love him more than anything in the world, not because I wanted a baby (I was taking care of that on my own). :)

      Delete
  6. While it's not Cali weather here in Ohio, I cannot wait for it to be below 80-something for a week in a row. Give us Fall already! Hoping you get some gloom and grey skies soon (yeah, right!) I live for those gloomy days too.

    Oh, comparisons! Impossible to avoid as an IFer. I often find myself in limbo too, since we did things a little assbackwards due to what else? Insurance coverage and OOP costs! So, now six years later, we're finally seeing an RE after trying an approach that most people choose because of religious reasons (not our reason- again, hello $$$!) so I can't really relate to that group either.

    When a blog friend finally gets her BFP it's becoming SO much easier to be over-the-moon excited for them and even more annoying to hear about those "2 months of trying" peeps. That's not trying people, that is just doin' it a couple times. I would so be a bouncer at Club IF with you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We SHOULD be the IF club bouncers. IF ONLY. Sometimes I wish there was an infertility only site that was as popular as the TWW site (maybe there is and I haven't found it).

      That's another thing to compare! The whole $$$ issue. My husband theoretically makes good money but it's at a start-up, so not a damn infertility related thing is covered. (Can they not at least make exceptions for people with no kids?)

      SEND ME SOME GRAY SKIES.

      Delete
  7. Gawd. Your posts keep getting better and better. Infertility sucks major and we all need to support each other on this crappy journey. No matter what course we are taking.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You I adore.

      AGREED. Couldn't have said it better myself. All of us are sucking balls in one way or the other (see? said it myself and it's no better).

      Delete
  8. I liked your post so much I decided to write my own! The comment box seemed to small to hold all of my thoughts on the different subjects. Except for the weather. It sucks balls. The end.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YESSSS! I love it. On my way to check out.

      Delete
  9. The heat is getting to me too. I'm tired of opening the door and being slammed in the face with stifling heat. Not to mention I am trying to run in this so I can finally drop the 15 miscarriage pounds I've racked up. Great post! I especially liked the Ivf vs Clomid as I am a Clomid complainer marveling at Ivf ladies and their strength.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Marvel away! Clomid sucked hardcore, too. IVF isn't actually as bad as one initially thinks - I think it's the whole 'frog in boiling water' saying. You know, if one were to jump directly into some seriously hot water it would seem awful, but when you get in a lukewarm hot tub and slowly turn it up, it's not that bad.

      Delete
  10. I think I'm in love with you....full on in love....as some one who has "crossed over" I feel a pain when someone gets knocked up, but I feel pain when someone doesn't. I have my miracle, but bellies make me want to punch someone...I'm so grateful for my miracle, but I'm afraid to revel in her because I don't want to offend a fellow IFer...Stupid fertiles make me want to scream because they don't get it...I love what returningtobaby said, especially about wanting to hit the woman in the mouth...I have soooo been there.

    I've been in the trenches for coming up on 5 and a half years. Yes I have had success, but it wasn't easy. Yes there are those who have had more struggles than I and some who have had far less struggle, but no matter what we all struggled. There is no "comparison" when it comes to IFers. I only compare the fertile to the infertile....asshats who have been trying for 2 months...or godforbid one freaking cycle...then of course the other column of jackasses who get knocked up on accident and complain about it to IFers...

    BTW WHERE THE HELL IS MY LAMINATED MEMBERSHIP CARD?!?!?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "There are no gold medals handed out in the pain olympics." I think I first read that on Mel's blog a few years ago.

      All of us IFers, wherever we are on our journeys, have pain that we deal with. Even those of us who are 'on the other side' still struggle with the after-effects of our time in the IF trenches... some as serious as PTSD, anxiety, and depression. (Which is why I'm glad that PAIL came into existance. But that's another comment for another day.) Speaking just for myself, I hope that I never get so wrapped up in the now that I forget what I went through to get here. And I hope I can offer some level of support to those still fighting for their dream.

      Comparing ourselves to others is human nature. It's how we handle those comparisons... whether we allow them to make us bitter and resentful, that defines us.

      And I want my laminated membership card too dammit! :)

      Delete
    2. Hahaa!

      SLESE - let's run away together. If I can get a quarter for every time I've wanted to hit some woman in the mouth, we could live a nice luxurious lifestyle on an island somewhere. Yes I was instantly mad on behalf of D when I read that she wasn't getting the hugs & love from her IRL infertiles like she should be.. And even though it's hard for me to think about pregnancies & people who have kids - it does make me think shit.. If I got pregnant tomorrow, there's no friggin way I would be one of 'them', so I certainly wouldn't want to be chucked out of our little group.. Like enough things regarding pregnancy haven't been ruined for me already!

      Mrs. Gamgee - Okay, so I'm slightly new and the instant you tell me I'm sure I'll say "oh duh" but what is pail? Ahh, and I am so working on how I let my comparisons define me, so working on it.

      We should seriously get some club cards. Or at least a t-shirt.

      Delete
    3. PAIL - Parenting After Infertility & Loss

      It is a side branch of the ALI community that caused a bit of an uproar when it was started a few months ago (there were some who felt that it was a sort of in-your-face thing to all those who hadn't resolved their IF). Basically it's a group of bloggers who wanted to seek out support and be able to share where they are at now, after we had our babies. We understand that it's tough to read and offer support to a new mom when you're still battling IF, but we didn't really fit into the usual mommy-blogger community either. Just because I've had my babies doesn't mean that I don't still carry a lot of IF baggage, and it doesn't mean that I no longer want to support my IF-sisters who are still in the fight. I'm thankful for the ladies I've met through PAIL, just as I'm thankful for the support I have received through the ALI community as a whole.

      Delete
  11. I will second Laura...I will admit I whimper a little at IFers who have infertility insurance. Mostly because money has been such a defining issue in our infertility - unemployment and no insurance equals five years (after our diagnosis) of waiting to try. But IF sucks no matter how you slice it.
    One of the things about being around for so long also means that most of my blog friends have resolved their infertility on one way or another. They are parenting four year olds and three year olds and having second children. Or in a few cases they have created new child free lives. And here my ass is, still in limbo. I am happy for them but it is hard every once in a while. All of them are very good about being cognizant still of how I will feel sometimes.
    I'm just blabbering now. I need to go drink more wine.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh man, I wish I could be somewhere to pour you said wine!

      I genuinely don't understand why insurance companies don't help out if you have NO kids. NONE. Have you heard of.. I forget the term for it, but medical vacations? When I was still stalking youtube for all IVF related videos, there were a few where people went to different countries for IVF after the first time - because it's actually loads cheaper in some cases to go to a foreign country, get a 'package' for your housing and medical stuff and get IVF done. (I can't for the life of me remember what countries they were - but they weren't any place scary).

      Delete
  12. I totally totally get this. I am somewhat ashamed to say, I subconsciously feel the "degrees" of difficulty in infertility. I know it's not right, but to me it's always seemed that IVF is the highest level of difficulty, because it's the last possible option available and the most invasive. When someone is doing timed cycles with clomid or IUI, I still feel that they're not at the absolute end of the road. Like they still technically have more options, if those other treatments failed. Of course, I am still extremely empathetic to these women, because in the end, not pregnant is not pregnant, no matter what your method of trying, and that's all that really matters.

    As for how long a person struggles with IF... I still feel like a rookie. I've only been married and trying for just over a year. When I read blogs of people trying 4 and more years, I wonder, who am I to be complaining? No matter how hard this sometimes feels, being in this blogging community, I've realized that it could always be worse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We all do it (and if we say we don't, we're lying). A weirdly comforting thought for me is to think sure I did clomid, but I was never going to get pregnant on Clomid. A bit like needing to lose weight, and at first just trying to eat healthier all the while having a thyroid problem - sure it sucks that that didn't do it, but it was never going to do it for me.

      I've been doing this 3 years - and if a woman's been doing it longer I'm in complete awe. On the upside though, I've had more time to sort of accept infertility as a reality instead of panicking that it would be one.

      Delete
  13. This is fabulous. I mean, it's not fabulous in the sense that this all sucks and I'm really sorry any of us feel this way - but fabulous in totally articulating things I think about ALL the time.

    Because of my husbands medical history we knew from the outset that we'd have to use a donor, and so therefore bypassed years of trying and failing. But I sort of still feel like I should get my 'this is one of the super shittiest diagnoses you can have' badge, even if I didn't totally earn it. I sometimes feel a little isolated from IF bloggers, though I love the community, because I feel like if you all ever get pregnant and have a healthy baby that is sort of the end of the story for you. Whereas when you use a donor you have years of trying to figure out what to tell the kid, the biology teacher, the inquisitive cousin etc. That said, there's always that hierarchy feeling - like on the one hand I won't know what it is *really* to have suffered until I've been through at least 3 rounds of IVF, and on the other I feel like we are already way worse off than many.

    What this post pointed out that was so great was that infertiles who do successfully carry pregnancies almost never (except for the 'born agains' - I love that) experience them in the same way as fertiles. And maybe we are the only people who really 'get' that? I'd hate for any friend who's been through a hard time to feel like I wasn't able to support them if I could, but on the other hand sometimes it's also really hard to take.

    A rambly long comment, I think I might have to think about this more and maybe write something too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yesss! Write something! Let's all hop out of the "I don't compare myself" closet!

      It's weird but I think since IVF is the big one we get there and go "I get a laminated card, an elder status, and the ability to recruit and chuck people out of this club, please".

      It's so hard for me to even imagine myself pregnant, but when I read D (whom I adore) it instantly pissed me off that the IRL IFers wouldn't embrace her, and then of course start thinking - wait a second, would I? Because really, if I got pregnant tomorrow there's no frigging way I would be one of them - there's no way that a friggin fertile wouldn't make me feel stupid for the constant panic.. So on the one hand, I'd have fertiles who wouldn't get me, and infertiles acting as though I betrayed them.

      Not to say I'm going to start jumping up and down everytime someone gets knocked up - ha! far from it! - but if she's in our group already and we adore her, we really have to work on the rallying around her bit, because no one else is going to understand what she's been through.

      Delete
  14. I once followed a comment from my blog to a post by someone worried that she'd never get pregnant. Fine, we've all been there. It was fairly new blog and she didn't go much into her history.

    Next visit I saw she'd bought a pram on eBay, odd. But she wasn't pregnant she'd seen it, thought it was a bargain and went for it.

    next time, she was pregnant and, it turned out, had started blogging when they started trying, and she got pregnant during her first month of trying. (She genuinely didn't know she was pregnant when she bought the pram.)

    I did a little swear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! I'd throw my laptop out the window.

      I have zeeeero problem with being standoffish and bouncing out the new ones before they've proven themselves - I'll drunkenly make out with you inside the club once you've been here a few months.

      Delete
  15. Stork you do it again, an wonderfully intelligent post covering quite a tricky comment. I must admit to my shameful secret in that I often find myself in a self pitying 'this MRKH wombless crap is the worst possible end of the IF scale' because I have 0.00000000% chance of ever being pregnant and should I ever have a child it will be because some wonderful woman somewhere wants to help me enough to carry my embryo. The next thing I know I think that maybe I am better off than any other IF road because at least I don't have to go through the physical pain of losing my child from my body... And then I think well I could still lose my baby only another woman will have to go through the physical pain of it that won't take away the emotional pain should that happen....

    On the whole I have become pretty good now at seeing only Fertile or Infertile. I had to bite my tongue when my best friend told me how hard she found her period showing up for the two whole months they tried before she conceived on the third...yes three whole months. Ha.
    However we all suffer, we all suffer greatly. Because They/the Others, the Fertiles, just don't get it. After my colleague told me she lost another two babies the other day I feel the need to be much more elated for IFers who dig themselves out of the trench! Here's hoping for you all!
    Yes it's a waffly Friday!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eee gads - it's been popping into my mind that post you did on your coworker.. Give her a wildly inappropriate and far-too-long hug for me, por favor.

      And I can't remember if I said this to you before but BLESS YOU for writing about this MRKH stuff. I had NO. IDEA. that that was a thing and it's unimaginable to me.. Good on ya', girl.

      I know I know I know it's not the same thing at all but my best friend, who's married and gay, used to say to me "at least when you have sex you know you can get pregnant". Which used to drive me INSANE because I couldn't quite get my point across that no.. seriously... it's not going to happen like that. (But mostly because even though he does his very best to understand, and G-d knows I would be lost without him helping - it drove me crazy because it's not as though he's on a waiting list or has been trying for this forever...)

      ANYHOO. But then it occurred to me that even though he might not *totally* get it he has a point - there's always that 1% chance that someday, somehow, I'll magically ovulate and the one perfect sperm will come and find that egg, which is more than what he can hope for.

      Again - totally get that it's not the same thing, but my point is I get now that my .00001% chance can definitely be enviable to some.

      Delete
  16. First, I'm glad you're doing the photo challenge! Second, I, too, am very pale and should never go out in the sun, but if there isn't any sun coming through my window, I get so grumpy. Go figure. Of course I do live in the NE, so sun isn't in overabundance in my life.

    As for who you follow, and why, and when, I think it changes from blogger to blogger, but also with each blogger over time. I also am mostly attracted to writing styles rather than content or point in one's journey, but when I first found this community I was looking for information, and so most of the people I followed were IVFers...I was about to start my first. Of course many moved on to pregnancy before me, and many are still trying. I have found it hard to comment now and then, and this was especially true at some points, but I really think that's okay. We all need to look out for ourselves and our own well-being, and I think most everyone here understands that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yesss! I too, am mostly attracted to writing styles - although admittedly if I'm just arriving at a blog that I'm brand spanking new to, and she's at the moment pregnant, it has to be some pretty fantastic writing. :/

      I so appreciate some of the pregnant women that are soooo sensitive in their blogging - the ones that have separate 'pregnancy' & 'trying' tabs, or the ones that occasionally give a little warning in the beginning that if you're still on the crazy train you may want to skip this post. Amazing.

      We are some badasses, I say.

      Delete
  17. You always say the right things, my friend. You make a ton of really valid points here and you obviously know where I stand with everything. Infertility, miscarriages, multiple miscarriages, Clomid, Femara, IUI, IVF, ICSI, they all suck. They are things that no one would ever choose to endure if they didn't have to. Sometimes I feel bad because I haven't had to do IVF yet (even though I have been told by doctors that IVF with PGD might be a good way to go for me). I don't feel like I can fully understand what someone in that position is going through, but it the same light, someone who has never had a miscarriage (or 2 or 3...) can't fully understand what that is like either. It is easy to say that one might be worse than the other if you have never experienced one or the other, but like you said, oranges and apples. I guess the moral of the story is that we all need to support each other and be sensitive to one another. While we may never fully understand what it feels like to be in another's shoes, we can try. I am sticking by all of my bloggie friends no matter where they are right now or where they end up so you won't be losing me anytime soon. You are stuck with me!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are not going to lose me - I am up your uterus and chatting with your embryo whether you want me there or not (much like some old white men in this country... don't worry, I'll keep them out).

      And I cannot. fathom. 2-3 losses. I literally had only 36 hours of wandering around knowing that I was pregnant, and I am an unshakable emotionless robot about most things, and I lost my shit when I was told it wasn't going to be viable.

      Anyhoo - my D related point is that it PISSED ME OFF reading that post about the IRL infertiles not being totally accepting of you and your loveliness, and then in turn made me think I should work on being a bit more embracing when someone graduates.

      But I DIG you. You deserve this, mama, and are one of the ones I'm genuinely happy for.

      Delete
  18. oh storkie stork, how i love thee. its like you jumped into my brain, read all my thoughts, gave them a makeover and put them on the web looking much better than they did before. i would LIKE your post all over the place if I wasn't still in the closet (and it's not like fertile friends who should read this to understand me would ever truly get it anyway).
    beta was yesterday, and i need to relinquish my passport to NeverBeenKnockedUpinstein. so its happened. once. and i dont know if i'll be moving to ChemicalPregIsNotAnyBetterastan yet, but you are so very right my identity as an IF didn't change overnight. i want to POAS every other minute to make sure its still there. and i also agree about not wanting to read blogs about pregnant women -- not yet -- and if this little guy sticks and I get say those two words out loud -- they aren't worthy. "i'm pregnant" is what fertile people say within the first few months of trying. "I'm pregnant" doesnt fit my situation. i wish there were other words that would tell people: I was disappointed on a monthly basis for years, shot up with needles 3x/day, popped suppository missiles for breakfast, lunch, & dinner, and paid ridiculous sums of money to be able to say those two words. It shouldn't be the same two words that other women say who got pregnant by having sex. ha! that notion makes me laugh.
    anyway this is your place to rant, not mine--sorry. i'm off to search for blog awards to officially nominate you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HA!

      You are absofuckinglutely correct we should get our own damn set of words when we announce things. And a parade. Sound the trumpets.

      YAAAAAAAAAAAY for good betas! I will not bounce you out of our club, I promise. You are not one of 'them' - you're still one of 'us' and we will buy you a little cottage in one of our neighboring towns. ;)

      Delete
  19. Thank you for this post, Stork. I've been there on the "rate my pain of infertility" crazy train. Although I'm only 12 months in to this process, and have only just started one round of Clomid (which turned my ovaries into cystic bags of shit), I have to control my simmering jealousy when I even hear of complaints of a BFN after a failed cycle. I know, I know, I'm horrible, right??? As someone who has not ovulated once in any of the 12 months I have been trying "naturally", I feel like it's hard to find people who can relate to the pain of never even being able to "try". This makes me feel awful about myself for wanting to find more people with messed up ovaries like me. On a separate note, I was just thinking the other day that I can't wait for Fall and maybe some rain in LA. The whole "crystal blue sky and 85 degree temps" does get boring after a while, no? ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is SO. BORING. I am done.. DONE!

      Yeah - I'm with you, I never ovulate naturally. (I'm sure I have a couple of times in life and completely missed it but nope.. not going to happen without drugs). I get uber jealous when even if it's the tiniest slimmest of hope when a girl gets to ovulate every month.

      The ONLY somewhat positive thing I can say is that right now, between IVFs, there's no waiting and being disappointed because I know it's not going to happen without a doctor in the room. But - it still sucks overall!

      Delete
  20. I just found your blog on Stirrup Queens and I just love this post. I love finding new IF bloggers to follow, cheer on, and get some support from myself! Best of luck to you!

    www.auntmimi2010.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks lady! I love a new IF buddy, myself. ;)

      Delete
  21. Even though we shouldn't, I think we all do a little "comparing". I know I have. *hangs head in shame*. More in a "when the heck am I gonna get my turn?" kind of way, but still.
    Also, you crack me up. And I tend to gear towards writing styles in blogs, too.

    ReplyDelete
  22. This is a great post! I feel like you have a great way of expressing what most of us feel! I am pretty much 100% with you on these points! I hate being in this club, but it makes me so happy to have awesome people to share it with. And I love when I see my ladies get their BFPs! Can't wait for YOURS!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Well put. As a member of the newly-pregnant, but scared shitless, I still feel like I'm stuck in a world between IF and pregnant. My first thoughts when I found out was how it going to make others feel. In my experience, anytime I found out one of them had gotten pregnant I would say congrats, but deep down it hurt that it wasn't me. This happened when D got pregnant. I was so happy for her, but then questioned why it wasn't happening for me. I think we all have a tendency to compare ourselves to the other interfiles...and it sucks because we feel like we should be right where they are. The whole dang journey is awful, no matter which part of it you are on, or which paths you have had to follow. I am just glad that I've been able to share it with some wonderful ladies :)

    ReplyDelete