PMS: Puhlease, Mr. Senator.

Greetings, galliwags!

I genuinely don't know what that is.  Sounds piratey, though.  Arrrrrrr.

My treasonous uterus has finally decided to churn out a period, starting yesterday.  First period post-chemical 'period', and it's one of those super fun hormonally charged ones.

My one tried & true "this is going to be one hell of a period" symptom is chocolate cravings.  Normally if you put a bag of potato chips and a candy bar in front of me, I will have inhaled the entire bag of potato chips and require you to heimlich out the bits of plastic bag I've accidentally ingested before you have a chance to ask me which one I would prefer.

Cut to me, yesterday, on the sofa eating my weight in Snickers bars and watching episodes of "Intervention" on Netflix streaming.  I went back and forth between weeping for poor Allison being so tragically addicted to huffing computer cleaner, and contemplating whether huffing computer cleaner would alleviate cramps.  I, too, would like to walk on sunshine.

I make no promises that my husband will not return home from work to a sobbing mess asking if she's pretty, and complaining about how I got in a fight with the dog.  (Yes, it sounds ludicrous - but everytime she hears a child from the backyard she gives me a look like "why don't you have kids for me to play with?" to which I reply "because I'm practically barren, you pile of judgmental butt-licking fur!").

Now would be the time, if you are an ICLWer (hey gurrrrl, heyyyyy!) and would perhaps like to get a sense of my more charming and tolerant side, to click here.

So what should happen when Stork's uterus is particularly angry to begin with?

Senator Akin happened.

Okay, okay, I know - you've heard all about it.  My husband came home the other day and said "did you hear about that senator..." and I snapped, spitting and frothing snickers bars,  "yes of course I did!  The uterine phone tree was immediately activated after he shut his mouth! Gawd!"

It's everywhere.  Both his quote and bits of peanut.

However - for those of you not particularly into news or politics, or who are the merry residents of countries a little less ignorant, this is what happened.  A senator was asked on Sunday if he would support abortions in the event of rape.  And he responded with this little gem:

"It seems to me, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down".

Let's just shelve the fact that "Legitimate Rape" is an excellent name for an all-girl punk band.  Just for a minute.

Here's the part where I make some political admissions.

I am one of those evil CA bleeding-heart liberals. (Keep in mind that if you're not, I'm open-minded, have conservatives in my life that I luuuurve, and so help me I will charm the pants off of you one way or another).

I am pro-choice.  Much like I do not enjoy people not going through infertility saying things like "why do IVF when you can just adopt?" I do not enjoy the idea of anyone telling anyone what to do with their uterus, ever.  What I would've done had I found myself 16 and accidentally pregnant (accidentally pregnant!  Look, I made a funny!) is completely irrelevant.  Maybe I would've had an abortion, maybe I would've vomited at the very idea of it - it really doesn't matter because in either event I wouldn't tell someone else what to do.

I completely and totally get that other people see money differently, see the government differently, etc. etc.  Those differing opinions, if I squint my eyes and tilt my head, I can totally see having.  For example, some people think there needs to be a lot less handouts because people abuse the system - I don't mind paying a little more tax for handouts, knowing full well that there is abuse in the system, because some people genuinely need it.  But I get why some people have a problem with it - the abuse is gross to think about.  I just think the pay-off is worth it.

 (Although I'm a little lost when it's the same people that think all conception should result in babies - are we then not supposed to give the struggling Mom a wee bit of money?)

Admittedly where I get totally lost and can no longer see things differently no matter how hard I squint is the whole exxxxxtreme right - you know, "Jesus fought the dinosaurs and then discovered America, which he intended to be gay-free".

That alllll being said (and man alive, I hope we can still be friends after I've said it) I genuinely don't think this man's statements have anything to do with Liberal vs. Conservative.  I genuinely believe it has to do with Reasonable Adult vs. Unfuckingbelievable Idiot.

In fact, he actually makes me feel bad for reasonable conservatives because he's making it look like this is a representation of that party, when it's the representation of a moron.  There really needs to be a Moron party which takes anyone in any party who doesn't have the ability to reason.

There are far too many raging idiots coming out of the woodwork and we've given them microphones - microphones!  It's like giving your crazy drunken racist uncle a megaphone and a tie for Christmas.

All the women that I know have had their cervix contract in horror, and try to run screaming up back into their bodies just listening to that utter shite regardless of political preferences.

We all say stupid shit. This is true.

What I don't like is the use of the word "legitimate" next to "rape".  This implies that there is "illegitimate" rape.  It also implies that if a girl is pregnant and claiming it's from rape, she must have really wanted it. Because you know, otherwise, her body would have just shut that shit down.

And as someone, Mr. Senator, who has been telling her uterus to GET pregnant for a good 3 years, I can assure you that my uterus doesn't give a flying fuck about what I want or don't want.  When was the last time your spleen gave a shit about how you were feeling?

What concerns me, ultimately, is that an adult in authority doesn't have the ability to distinguish between reality and the movie "Teeth".

(Anybody else seen that movie?  Now there's a movie to watch when you have PMS and are feeling as though all the men in the world want to make decisions on behalf of your unassuming nooners.  If you've never heard of this movie - watch the trailer, Imma tellin ya'.  I fully envision the senator drunkenly stumbling into his living room while it was randomly on, sitting down and thinking "OMG!  Science!!!!").

In my head I have Senator Akin tied to a table, with a wide variety of pointy instruments, and as I insert them I very gently ask "now do you find that legitimate?"

In short, unless it's for invitation only adult-indoor-sports or fertility treatments, I would appreciate it if strange men everywhere could stop talking about my vag and what I should do with it.  Me no likey.