Tuesday, August 21, 2012

PMS: Puhlease, Mr. Senator.

Greetings, galliwags!

I genuinely don't know what that is.  Sounds piratey, though.  Arrrrrrr.

My treasonous uterus has finally decided to churn out a period, starting yesterday.  First period post-chemical 'period', and it's one of those super fun hormonally charged ones.

My one tried & true "this is going to be one hell of a period" symptom is chocolate cravings.  Normally if you put a bag of potato chips and a candy bar in front of me, I will have inhaled the entire bag of potato chips and require you to heimlich out the bits of plastic bag I've accidentally ingested before you have a chance to ask me which one I would prefer.

Cut to me, yesterday, on the sofa eating my weight in Snickers bars and watching episodes of "Intervention" on Netflix streaming.  I went back and forth between weeping for poor Allison being so tragically addicted to huffing computer cleaner, and contemplating whether huffing computer cleaner would alleviate cramps.  I, too, would like to walk on sunshine.





I make no promises that my husband will not return home from work to a sobbing mess asking if she's pretty, and complaining about how I got in a fight with the dog.  (Yes, it sounds ludicrous - but everytime she hears a child from the backyard she gives me a look like "why don't you have kids for me to play with?" to which I reply "because I'm practically barren, you pile of judgmental butt-licking fur!").

Now would be the time, if you are an ICLWer (hey gurrrrl, heyyyyy!) and would perhaps like to get a sense of my more charming and tolerant side, to click here.

So what should happen when Stork's uterus is particularly angry to begin with?

Senator Akin happened.

Okay, okay, I know - you've heard all about it.  My husband came home the other day and said "did you hear about that senator..." and I snapped, spitting and frothing snickers bars,  "yes of course I did!  The uterine phone tree was immediately activated after he shut his mouth! Gawd!"

It's everywhere.  Both his quote and bits of peanut.

However - for those of you not particularly into news or politics, or who are the merry residents of countries a little less ignorant, this is what happened.  A senator was asked on Sunday if he would support abortions in the event of rape.  And he responded with this little gem:

"It seems to me, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down".



Let's just shelve the fact that "Legitimate Rape" is an excellent name for an all-girl punk band.  Just for a minute.

Here's the part where I make some political admissions.

I am one of those evil CA bleeding-heart liberals. (Keep in mind that if you're not, I'm open-minded, have conservatives in my life that I luuuurve, and so help me I will charm the pants off of you one way or another).

I am pro-choice.  Much like I do not enjoy people not going through infertility saying things like "why do IVF when you can just adopt?" I do not enjoy the idea of anyone telling anyone what to do with their uterus, ever.  What I would've done had I found myself 16 and accidentally pregnant (accidentally pregnant!  Look, I made a funny!) is completely irrelevant.  Maybe I would've had an abortion, maybe I would've vomited at the very idea of it - it really doesn't matter because in either event I wouldn't tell someone else what to do.

I completely and totally get that other people see money differently, see the government differently, etc. etc.  Those differing opinions, if I squint my eyes and tilt my head, I can totally see having.  For example, some people think there needs to be a lot less handouts because people abuse the system - I don't mind paying a little more tax for handouts, knowing full well that there is abuse in the system, because some people genuinely need it.  But I get why some people have a problem with it - the abuse is gross to think about.  I just think the pay-off is worth it.

 (Although I'm a little lost when it's the same people that think all conception should result in babies - are we then not supposed to give the struggling Mom a wee bit of money?)

Admittedly where I get totally lost and can no longer see things differently no matter how hard I squint is the whole exxxxxtreme right - you know, "Jesus fought the dinosaurs and then discovered America, which he intended to be gay-free".

That alllll being said (and man alive, I hope we can still be friends after I've said it) I genuinely don't think this man's statements have anything to do with Liberal vs. Conservative.  I genuinely believe it has to do with Reasonable Adult vs. Unfuckingbelievable Idiot.

In fact, he actually makes me feel bad for reasonable conservatives because he's making it look like this is a representation of that party, when it's the representation of a moron.  There really needs to be a Moron party which takes anyone in any party who doesn't have the ability to reason.

There are far too many raging idiots coming out of the woodwork and we've given them microphones - microphones!  It's like giving your crazy drunken racist uncle a megaphone and a tie for Christmas.

All the women that I know have had their cervix contract in horror, and try to run screaming up back into their bodies just listening to that utter shite regardless of political preferences.

We all say stupid shit. This is true.

What I don't like is the use of the word "legitimate" next to "rape".  This implies that there is "illegitimate" rape.  It also implies that if a girl is pregnant and claiming it's from rape, she must have really wanted it. Because you know, otherwise, her body would have just shut that shit down.

And as someone, Mr. Senator, who has been telling her uterus to GET pregnant for a good 3 years, I can assure you that my uterus doesn't give a flying fuck about what I want or don't want.  When was the last time your spleen gave a shit about how you were feeling?

What concerns me, ultimately, is that an adult in authority doesn't have the ability to distinguish between reality and the movie "Teeth".




(Anybody else seen that movie?  Now there's a movie to watch when you have PMS and are feeling as though all the men in the world want to make decisions on behalf of your unassuming nooners.  If you've never heard of this movie - watch the trailer, Imma tellin ya'.  I fully envision the senator drunkenly stumbling into his living room while it was randomly on, sitting down and thinking "OMG!  Science!!!!").

In my head I have Senator Akin tied to a table, with a wide variety of pointy instruments, and as I insert them I very gently ask "now do you find that legitimate?"

In short, unless it's for invitation only adult-indoor-sports or fertility treatments, I would appreciate it if strange men everywhere could stop talking about my vag and what I should do with it.  Me no likey.






61 comments:

  1. If it were so easy to control our uteri we all would be pregnant. Period. Unfortunately, I do not have a magic ninja uterus or super special cervical mucus that can read the environment and decide to impregnate or not. I've determined that if I just squeeze that aspirin between my knees really, really, really hard I will...oh...wait...perhaps if I let go of the aspirin I will get knocked up. There's an idea.

    Also, I appreciated your point on the same representatives attempting to block attempts at abortion while simultaneously attempting to undermine benefits that would help these same people out. In fact, when collecting data for my thesis, I found examples of representatives in many different states sponsoring separate bills. The first attempted to block any and all abortions, the second of which attempted to kill benefits for women that have another child while currently receiving checks from TANF. Asshats. All of them.

    Phew, lady, you got me going. Sorry to monopolize your comments. Feel free to send me to spam!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Magic Ninja Uterus - another EXCELLENT BAND NAME.

      Yeah I genuinely don't understand wanting all women to have babies whether they want it or not, and then not wanting to give them any aide when they have them... The only argument I've heard is "they just shouldn't have sex then". Right. Because humans are so good at self control.. Not to mention sex is fun and sort of hard not to do. I'm half convinced these people aren't doing it right.

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  2. I absolutely love you. That is all.

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  3. As someone who is married to a republican, not the uber conservative kind, but a republican nonetheless, I was pleased to see him update his FB status in regards to this idiot with the following: "It's possible that Rep. Todd Akin of Missouri may actually be the dumbest person on the planet" I have never been more proud...

    Seriously, the sheer ridiculousness of his statement made me wonder if he was dropped on his head as a child.And if he wasn't maybe he needs to be now to knock some damn common sense into that shriveled up thing he calls a brain. Think people think!!

    And I agree with EmHart....I absolutely LOVE you....

    BTW I am not a republican....or nor am I conservative in any way shape or matter....funny for a catholic girl huh?

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    1. Ha!

      My Dad was a republican - back when it was mostly about money (pretty sure he was an agnostic if not an atheist - so I think he would be mystified, today). Dad's a republican, Mom's an independent, sister's a socialist - and ALL reasonable people.

      I love that there are so many old white men who feel it necessary to discuss lady bits when they don't even have a basic understanding, evidently, of how they work. LOVE IT.

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  4. What an f-ing idiot that guy is. I cannot believe that any adult, let alone someone running for political office, could say those words, hear them coming out of his own mouth, and not think "WHAAAAAT am I saying?" I just saw a clip of his official apology and was totally mortified.

    We'd all love to have these super mind-over-body powers he speaks of. Too bad they aren't legitimately a real thing. :-/

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    1. Right?! And if you're a senator public speaking is supposed to be one of your STRONG POINTS.

      Oh, and he has daughters.

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  5. Seriously, I can't believe that these are the types of people who are "running our country". This is another reason why I don't blindly subscribe to any political party. Now if this jackass' daughter or wife were raped, would he ask her if it was legitimate? Would he ask her if her body was smart enough to "shut that whole thing down"? I doubt it, he would probably do what any other self-respecting husband or dad would do and try to find the rapist so that he could kick the living shit out of him. What a freaking incredible MORON says shit like this??!!! So thoroughly disgusted (still).

    P.S. Did I mention how happy I am to have you back in my life? Oh wait I think I did like 10 times already. :)

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    1. They are the types of people running (or attempting to) this country... HORRIFYING. I genuinely don't understand why all this shit which should have theoretically been settled EONS ago is popping up again... Makes me genuinely fearful for young girls.

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  6. Can I just say you are amazeballs?

    If I lived in California, I would demand to be your best friend.

    The end.

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  7. Hi from ICLW! You are so right about Akin's comment not being divisive by party but by completely idiocy. Btw, I'm in California. Can we be friends? :)

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    1. Helllooooooo!!! YES WE CAN. LET ME LICK YOUR FACE.

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  8. Well Said! He's a true idiot. I am very worried about the state of affairs in this country for women. I'm hoping drawing attention to the problem will help prevent further degradation of the rights of women, especially in the republican party.

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    1. I just don't understand how women can vote for, sleep with, marry, share a beer with, ANYTHING with these men. Man alive.

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  9. Hello from ICLW! I am so glad I found your blog. Amen to pretty much everything you've said. I'm excited to follow along.

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  10. I did laugh at one news reader over here who refered to Akin is "a lunatic US lawmaker" and proceeded to call him delusional, uninformed, unintelligent and bigoted. It's so rare that you see news outlets invite slander and tell it like it is.

    How come the sanctimonious bigoted dregs of society always seem to rise into power? Who is voting for these idiots?

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    1. More idiots.

      The sad thing is, our red states tend to be full of people who ARE having hardships and believe THESE people are going to be the ones to help them out of it, which has simply never been the case. It's 'protect the wealthy and it'll trickle down' thing. In short, utter bullshit.

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  11. "uterine phone tree" - Love it. We really need an actual one of these. Oh wait, I think this might be called infertility blogging. :)

    And as for the rest of it, yes, kick-ass post. I want to know which doctors he's been getting his "understanding" from.

    And, honestly, this never had to have happened. Even if he believes this shiz, he could have kept his crazy to himself. When asked do you believe in abortion in the case of rape, he could have just simply said, no, or, that he doesn't believe in it in any case. Not that I agree with that personally of course, but I'm just sayin', the guy could have avoided pretty much all of this blowback by just being slightly smarter about what is coming out of his mouth.

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    1. Exactly. The man could've said "no I don't" and I would merrily lump him into the back of my mind with people I don't agree with, and be done with it.

      On the other hand... I wish everybody were forced to be stupidly honest and brazen for a day because then it would be easier to identify the lunatics.

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  12. Hello via ICLW! Holy cow...THIS is precisely why I avoid the news and politics. LOVE the uterine phone tree idea....cracks me up!

    ICLW#69

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  13. thanks for stopping by my blog! i love your writing style! very clever. :) i agree that his ridiculous statement is not politically charged, but, rather, idiotic. he made himself sound like a total and complete ignoramus.

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    1. I hope so! I have yet to see one woman say anything like "oh but that's true" but I'm still a smidge fearful they're out there, clutching their pearls and seriously overestimating their husbands intelligence..

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  14. My husband loves Intervention! (It's not really my thing...too sad.) But, on to more important items. No, not the senator. When I first opened your post, I scrolled down to fast and saw "Snickervention" and got really excited. I know that's not actually what was going on, but just in case you need one in the future. I think a snickervention sounds like a really good idea.

    As for the senator. All I can say is that I'm glad it's getting the attention it is. I can't relate to someone who doesn't understand basic biology and who regards women with such distain that he thinks that they want (or deserve) to be raped. It's disgusting. I'm relieved to see that, for the most part, he is not getting the support of his peers or the people he claims to represent.

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    1. SNICKERVENTION. I DIE.

      Sounds like a good idea and yet another excellent band name!

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  15. I heart you and this post! Very well said!

    Happy ICLW!

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  16. Akin. I just CAN'T. Like Hulk rage level can't. Grrrrrrraaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!

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    1. Admittedly I have busted several pairs of pants because of him and snickers.

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  17. Pure awesomeness as always :-) So sorry about AF :-( GRRR. I am ready for your "get pregnant and stay pregnant cycle"!!! Which is coming soon!! I totally agree with you about the senator! Well said.

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    1. Yesss indeedy do let's get pregnant already. It's somehow upsetting and simultaneously liberating to know that's not going to happen until the next IVF, though... But I'm ready to get this thing on the road already.

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  18. What a Fucking idiot. this is scary.

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    1. SO SCARY. My lady bits quiver in fear. Here I've been innocently minding my own business while men I've never heard of from states I've never been too are plotting things for my lady parts.

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    2. Fucking disgusting. we have two shockers on what 'constitutes' rape in the U.K. too George Galloway and ken clarke one said "serious rape" like there is a funny one? and George saying "not everyone needs to be asked every time" and that consent should be assumed...gah!

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  19. Thanks for writing this! You continue to make me love you.

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    1. And I you, my little ray of infertility sunshine.

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  20. Hi from ICLW! I think I'm 65, but I should probably check before telling people that. Man I'm glad I clicked on your blog. I was having similar thoughts about that whole episode while on my first round of clomid (yippee).

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    1. Helllooooo there, lovely lady!

      Oh dear me on CLOMID no less... Surprised you're calmly in front of your computer and not lighting other people's houses on fire.

      Delete
  21. Okay, I had not come across the Teeth trailer yet. That's awesome.

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    1. It is GREAT for PMS. My sister-in-law introduced me last year... I dig weird.

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  22. *Gives a standing ovation* This whole mess with the Senator is disgusting. I agree...men need to stop telling me what I can and can't do with my own body. Unless I get to start telling them how to handle their penis. Oh the evil thoughts in my mind...

    ICLW #41

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    1. Lawdy lawdy, the list I could come up with for things to do to penises.

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    2. Your next post, perhaps? I know you could do it justice.

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  23. After reading this, I had the overwhelming desire to stand up and cheer "hear hear" (Which is weird since I don't normally act like someone out of 18th century parliament). Awesome post!
    - ICLW #43

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    1. I LOVE MAKING PEOPLE TALK LIKE 18TH CENTURY PARLIAMENT.

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  24. I saw an e-card on facebook today that read, "Good news! Your body shut out that rape baby!" . . . Said no doctor, ever. ;)

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  25. Wow, you guys need to all move to Canada. Shit like that doesn't happen here. UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVABLE that someone would even THINK that, let alone say it! Wow, what a douchebag.

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    1. Believe me, my husband & I are SERIOUSLY considering that move!

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    2. Freaking Canada got the French and we got the mother effing puritans.

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  26. I think we are going to be friends :)

    And taking good pictures is not that hard. That photo was from my phone with instagram to crop it down. Thanks for the compliment!

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  27. Have you ever considered Last Comic Standing? You deserve to make millions for sharing your personality with the world.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHA. Inflicting my personality on the world is more like it. ;)

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  28. I laughed until I cried at "Teeth." We seem to like the same movies. I also love Intervention & Allison is one of my favorite episodes.
    As far as that idiot goes, I am glad to see more & more people upset at his words. Here is a diagram for you: http://imgur.com/dGkbt

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    1. Good lawd that is amazing. I am pleased that I have thus far not come across a single person who has said "but wait a minute guys, that's not that bad..."

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  29. I am normally a salty food person too, but when the wrath of AF shows up in full force, chocolate is my BFF. I once ate an entire container (pint size maybe? I'm not really sure) of Ben & Jerry's chocolate-something flavored ice cream in one sitting. And it was worth every delicious, chocolatey bite.

    I couldn't have said it better myself about the idiotic statement made by Akin - and I'm a conservative. : )

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    1. Yay for reasonable conservatives!

      and maaaan... You are making me wish I had a tub of Ben & Jerry's right. NOW.

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