Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I am a Carnie Without a Circus

Greetings, my little ovarian cysts!

I am alive.

The rumors of my death and dismemberment have been greatly exaggerated.

I am only dead in the sense that a fat girl is dead after she does Disneyland in 20 bajillion degree heat - which we did yesterday.  I left only slightly hived up (have I ever mentioned a couple of years ago I was ambulanced out of Disney to the most ghetto hospital imaginable?)  I am apparently allergic to tourist filth.  In addition, probably children.



My last week:

1).  I took Bubella to Hollywood Blvd.  Whenever she comes out I do not have 'rules' as we are buddies and I therefor feel no parental instincts towards her other than keeping her out of hospitals while she's here.

Anything resembling a 'rule' is really just a guideline whose sole purpose is to keep her from being sold into prostitution.  Guideline number one is to never make eye contact with anyone wearing a costume.

Fun fact:  Hollywood Blvd is full to the brim with people wearing costumes.  When one sees this, one would of course assume that they're being paid to hang around and get pictures with tourists.  No-no.  These are people doing the usual homeless-hustle, just in a costume.  They are not actually allowed to ask you to tip them, however - which has in the past led me to see such visual gems as Elmo being beheaded, handcuffed, and stuffed cursing into the back of a police cruiser.

Not to say that avoiding eye contact with the feathered and furry will prevent you from seeing unusual things. A picture and a video from our trip:


video



2).  I took her to her first drag brunch.

If you live in or are visiting L.A. and have not been to drag brunch at Hamburger Mary's - go.  Go now.  It is the raunchiest most delectable thing ever.

This past Sunday I took her with Mr. T and a gaggle of gays, and was pleased to see someone there with two four year olds.  They very clearly and fairly explain before the show starts that it's very, very dirty and they do not edit it down for even the smallest of children.

So 15 minutes later when the two adorable preschoolers were standing on a bench waving dollar bills, prepared to plunge them into the cleavage of a 300 lb drag queen, my uterus skipped a beat.  The awesomely plus-sized lady in her cheetah print spandex jumpsuit pointed at the tiny tots, and said very eloquently into her microphone "ya'll mother fuckers know what's up!".

Man, I can't wait to have kids.


3).  She has to read some really awful books before she starts her junior year, and she's here for 3 weeks.  Normally I wouldn't care, but seeing as how I would love to have her for even longer next year, I need her to go home and have her parents say "my, how wildly functional you were under the supervision of the wonderfully adult Stork".

So I went with my instincts, sat on her and read aloud until she was near death and willing to read herself.


4).  I stuffed her into her first corset at Frederick's of Hollywood.  Very important lesson for all women, which I only learned a few years ago: corsets are the slutty equivalent of a magic wand.  I may not be much of a looker usually, but stick me in one and I am Jessica Fucking Rabbit.


5).  We played beauty shop, as one does with a younger sister.

What started out very innocently as a 15 minute 'let's highlight your assets' affair turned into 2 hours of  using the entire contents of my "I love Kermit the Frog" lunchbox (that doubles as a super sophisticated make up case), laughing hysterically and whispering "I'm just going to do something subtle.. SUBTLE...".

I give you, Bubella:


And perhaps you can't tell because of the angle and my drawing skills, but on her forehead is a vulva with wings.

ANYHOO.

In uterine news my positive ovulation test (a digital! et tu?) from a few weeks back was apparently a filthy whorish liar.  I would have gotten my period on Saturday if it had been accurate - it is now Wednesday, and no sign of the evil bitch except for mind numbing cramps (which have been going on for 2 weeks).

Took a pregnancy test yesterday - nada.  And the only possible symptom I could read into if I really, really stretched it was yesterday smelling dog hair and cheezits everywhere I went.  In reality, it's entirely possible that the few magical spots in Disneyland not smelling of churros may indeed smell like dog on cracker.

I MISS YOU.  Do not forget me whilst I am running around like a lunatic.

31 comments:

  1. You are a great writer... Your post had me laughing! Thanks for that!

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    1. Well helloooooo! Gracias for the compliment, lovely!

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  2. I was starting to really miss my daily Stork story! Glad you weren't dismembered.

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  3. Love this post - especially Bubella's 'make-up'...thanks for the laughs :)

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    1. Somehow she has yet to agree to let me do her make up for the prom.

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  4. Dear Jessica Rabbit, You are going to be a great mother. And a famous novelist. And an amazing make-up artist. Wow. Impressive on all fronts. I thought San Fran had all the crazy people. My how I was wrong. LA and Hollywood have us beat. Lucky you. I'm heading out right now to get me a corset. Will Hubby recognize me? Maybe not. Keep on making me laugh.

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    1. AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE MY INTERNET LOVER IF IT KILLS ME.

      I'm telling you - best slutty invention ever. Stuffs the bad stuff in and pushes the good stuff out.

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  5. So glad you are back! I missed your humor! I am glad you are having a fun time though. :)

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    1. I am a castaway on the island of tourist! A brilliant distraction.

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  6. And a little P.S. On first read of the title of this post, I read "I am Carnie Wilson". Could you work her into an upcoming post? Please?

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    1. I will work her in. OH I WILL WORK HER IN. And a few days ago we watched Chris Farley doing a very lively impression.

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  7. Wow - I think you should become a professional makeup artist - I'm pretty impressed.

    Disney is fun - but the smells really make me want to vom. Maybe I'm allergic to the filth too?

    And lastly - You will be a wonderful mother.
    Sometimes I think I want to have kids just to torture them like mine did me. Circle of life bitches!!!

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  8. I really need to get out more. I have lived in LA most of my life and I am learning about all sorts of new things from you. Will you be my tour guide? I am definitely looking into this drag brunch!

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    1. Jens let's dooooo it! Weirdest IF date ever!

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    2. I'm with jens. I'm a born and raised LA-er, and I've never been to Hamburger Mary's! I know I'm a neophite follower and you basically have no clue who I am, but it would be ever so wonderful to have a fucked up IF drag brunch with a bunch of you lovely LA ladies.

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  9. A whole week without Stupid Stork...don't do that to us! We need you to keep us laughing! :)
    Lucky Bubella having a sister-in-law like you! "Drag brunch"...I have never heard of such a thing! Sounds awesome!

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    1. I'm telling you - look one up. If there is a G-d in heaven surely there are drag brunches elsewhere. They are AMAZING. It's my new church.

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  10. Needed this! Thank you! Just had another chemical today. And flying halfway across the world while bleeding is so much fun... Ugh!

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  11. Ha ha, glad to see you pop back. Have muchos more fun and then get back here and spill all. We misses you x x x

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  12. I think you should paint phallic symbols all over your face as well. Im pretty sure the ancients used to do something similar to increase fertility. Glad you are having a life outside of infertility, have fun!

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  13. I love the fact you drew a penis on your teenage SIL! ha ha ha ha!
    I must admit my whistle stop tour of LA 5 (jesus it's been that long!) years ago would have been far more interesting with you showing me around!

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  14. Love love love---- :) thank you!!! Good to see ya back!

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  15. Her makeup looks amazing! Did you ever work at a MAC counter? I can tell.

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  16. Ahhh how I missed the daily laugh from you. Glad you're having fun and probably permanently scarring your SIL with random truths and infertility talk. Enjoy the vacation, but come back soon!

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  17. Lol! Bubellas face looks awesome-- you really should work as a pornographic makeup artist. I am totally going to hamburger Marys next time I'm in LA. My husbands aunt somehow missed taking us there when she toured us around the city lol. Hope you're having fun doing touristy stuff!

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  18. I missed you!!! Sounds like so much fun!! Yay!
    Grr at a negative HPT :-( I hope it's too early...maybe you ovulated later. FX!!!

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  19. once again, i snort out loud reading this (laughing hurts too much when your ovaries are the size of grapefruits). you are going to publish this someday and become very wealthy--or you deserve to, at least). currently googling "drag brunch in DC"

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  20. Ok, putting myself out there...please adopt me as your little sister. This shit sounds way fun.

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