Sunday, August 26, 2012

Secret Sunday: The Return

Happy weekend, darlings!

Put on a ridiculously feathered hat and pray that Oprah forgives you your sins, it's Secret Sunday.

My secret is that today, thinking I was taking my thyroid medication, I instead took an ambien.  So the chances of my brain functioning properly (or even remembering that I wrote this post) is looking grim.

And so, this week we shall mix things up and have you vote on what story I shall share with you next Sunday, when my brain is not fuzzy and drunk.

1.)  What dirty deed I performed on someone wearing a dog suit.

2.)  How I slept with my husband 2 hours after I met him.

3.) A bisexual college experience.

4.)  My one mortifying food poisoning experience (on my honeymoon, no less).

5.)  How I saw a man's head split open on a pool table, at a strip joint.

Pick your poison!

And now, the delectable secrets of others.

From the lovely EmHart at Follow Every Rainbow:
All my secrets seem to involve sex, and not with my husband. I am not sure what that says about me, but there you go. We have another drama school era one this week I am afraid, it is a rich hunting ground. This is really rather more of a useful tip for all you ladies than anything else. You see I had fancied, lets call him Chaz, for about a year, and had made several unsuccessful attempts to get into his pants, but I seemed somehow to have friend zoned myself. One evening we were heading out to celebrate J.R's birthday and we ended up at the strip club that several of my dancer buddies worked at. It was quite fun really and I got chatting to a lovely stripper who was an estate agent by day, stripped by night and intended to retire at forty, the girl had a plan! She offered me a sample lap dance for free, just because I was curious and she liked me. So I had my dance, which was rather odd, but quite sexy all the same. Afterwards I headed back to the lads house for more partying. Hoorah, I ended up finally finding my way into Chaz's pants and I am convinced it was in no small part to the fact he had sat enthralled watching me get a lap dance from the lovely stripper earlier in the evening. So girls, when you just can't bag that man, get him to a strip joint and he will be putty in your hands.  True story, top tip.

From awesome Jen at My Bum Ovaries:
I tried marijuana, at the ripe old age of 29, for the FIRST TIME just this month. I wasn't going to while TTC, but my journey is going absolutely nowhere any time soon, so I figured what the hell? Lately my thinking has been "I already tried playing my cards right for 29 years and that apparently doesn't work so let's try having more fun and being a little irresponsible." And it was really fun! :)

From gorgeous Kristin at Return to Go:
When I was six, I travelled to the majestic Rocky Mountains for the first time of many. It was a ski vacation scheduled mid-year through my Kindergarten year. I fell in love with my ski instructor, I thought we would be married. I fell in love with skiing, it is much easier when you are four feet tall. And I fell in love with the mountains. Sigh. But that isn't my secret. I was battling a nasty sinus infection of sorts. One morning I woke up and my face felt incredibly stiff. I couldn't quite figure out what was going on. Upon visiting the loo and checking the mirror, I found out that my nose had run through the night and a combination of snot and blood had pooled on my face and hardened on my face. The snot formed a bit of a mask in the area around my nose. It was gross. I didn't tell anyone. I used a wet, warm washcloth to soften the snot mask and wipe it from my face. You're welcome.

From the Bird Innocence Project:
When I was 4 years old I went to pre-school. They had a pet bird who they sent home every weekend with a different kid’s family. When it was our turn I was so freaking excited, I set the cage on a table outside. Then I opened the door and watched the little bird fly away. I knew this was not a good thing so I threw the cage onto the ground, made sure the door stayed open, then ran inside screaming “Mum!!! The dog knocked over the bird cage and the bird GOT OUT!!!!!” My Mum was beyond embarrassed at having to take an empty cage back to pre-school on Monday. I only admitted what I’d done  a few months ago- 27 years after the fact. Luckily she saw the humor in it by then.

From My Naughty Soldier:
My husband was in the Army for 5 years and I loved to see him in his uniform. It was a major turn on. So when it was time for some adult fun I would make him leave the pants and boots on and do it like that. Just seeing him with it on was so effin hot that I couldn't keep my hand off him! Sometimes I make him put it on for old times sake :)

From Jenny (who has to be awesome because of that name) at Sprout:
Before my husband and I were married, we were going to have a vacation together.  But money was a little tight and we were trying to cut costs.  He asked his mother if we could use her RV, thus avoiding hotel and restaurant bills.  We even offered to pay her a weekly rate for it, but she refused.  The reason:  she didn't want us having sex in it.  (Probably because she thought of me as a whore.  Yes, she actually called me that.)  She did, however, lend us her lovely new Cadillac.  And guess what we did in the backseat of it on a deserted stretch of road in New Mexico.  I did have that whore label to live up to, you know.  ;)  (Btw, backseat sex in your future mother-in-law's car is surprisingly hot.  I know it sounds wrong, but there you have it.)

You've just been Churched.

Now grow a pair next time and send one in!


  1. Turns out snot mask is not nearly as interesting as sex, drugs, and alcohol. Next week? I'll give you poop.

    1. I've been waiting my whole life for you to give me poop.

  2. Great stories this week! I vote for you to share #2 :)

    1. Thank you, lovely! My readers are wildly entertaining people.

      Ahhh yes, story #2... Not exactly a rom-com, but it did end in a marriage. ;)

  3. I hope we eventually get to hear about numbers one THROUGH five, but for this week, I'm voting for #2. If second choices count, I'm dying to hear about #1 too!

    1. Ha! Two votes for #2 and we'll say one for #1.

      I do enjoy telling #2, particularly when everyone's 'how we met' stories involve starry eyes and rainbows. ;)

  4. I'm definitely for #2 as well...Great secrets this week...oh how i missed them...I will definitely have to come up with a secret....there's just so many to choose from...hahaha!!!

  5. I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying these- and how much your blog in general is cheering me up right now, post ivf FAIL #3. I'm busy thinking up a secret for you for next week. And also now considering trying pot.

  6. Found your blog through ICLW just in time to add my vote for next Sunday's secret. Hmmm...I have to think that secret number 1 sounds the most incriminating. A Furry experience? Please tell.

  7. I think I vote #2! 2 hours isn't much time, my friend! I am very interested to know how that happened! Did it involve lots of booze?

    I will try to get you a secret for next weekend. :)

  8. LOL!! Love the stories! I think Em should write a book about her sexcapades :-)
    I vote for # 1 for next week!! But they all sound interesting :-)

  9. Great secrets this week! I vote for #2 or #3.

    Why do I get the feeling that 1,2 and 3 all happend on the same night?