Thursday, August 23, 2012

Plumbing.

Happy Thursday, my little internet geishas!

Despite accepting that there are idiots on this planet that believe body parts are conscious and sentient (ahhh yes... I remember that one time my kidney sat me down for a hot bit of cocoa, and asked me how I felt about her creating a stone, seeing as she was unsure how much I enjoyed all the caffeine I guzzled) I am still having one helluva period.

I have been in a hormone induced funk.  So I've been playing Mario bros.

Anyone else find that whole storyline strangely pornographic?  What are these plumbers doing involved with a princess?  Is she a bored housewife?  While the prince is away is she inventing plumbing problems to get a wee bit of attention?  How many people are aware that she is knee-deep in blue collar Italian workers, not to mention dungeon culture? I don't even want to think about how giant lizards come into play.

It's all very S&M.



Senor Bubba's sperm analysis is on Monday.  He had one, oh, I want to say a year ago. Twas fine.

I made him take pictures of the inside of the room.

In a very-fancy-I-assure-you clinic, the spooj room was just one sad couch that looked like it hadn't been replaced since the mid 1970s (who says you can't pull off a neon print?), a shotty tv and a stack-o-porn.

I don't know why I was expecting something super fancy and secret and a kinky-deserving-of-Mario... I'm fairly certain if you put a man in a hazmat suit, gave him a TV that only broadcast the Teletubbies and invited the local senior citizen center to watch him, he'd still figure out a way to get off.

Which begs the question... What would the lady version of that room look like?

Honestly, our plumbing tests are just no fun.  Tis a cruel world wherein infertility testing for a man involves an orgasm, and for us it involves multiple versions of  everyone's favorite game "how many things can we shove up there?  Could you shoplift a watermelon?"

I'm thinking candles, I'm thinking flowers, I'm thinking wine.

I'm thinking they'd have to hire some man to sit you down and compassionately nod whilst you tell him about your childhood, while he simultaneously greased his own abs.

Everything would be upholstered in Ryan Gosling.  Pictures of him, his flesh, his dirty tissues, whatever.

There would be speakers telling you repeatedly that you are stunning, that men prefer a little junk in the trunk, and that there is nothing sexier than a woman in sweatpants & a tank top with holes in it, eating her weight in chocolate and yelling about senators.



So you there - you there in the funk.  Yes, I'm talking to you.  Don't question me, damnit - either I read your blog or I have sensed you psychically in the ether.


Dear You,

Tis a shitty shitty thing that we are both members of the terrible club that knocks you down repeatedly before you can get knocked up.  (It's very chumbawamba of us).

You're just going to have to conjure up all the best bits of all the women that you used to be, because it's going to take all of them to stay afloat.

You are an amazing, kick ass woman - and you know I don't like people on the whole, so my vote counts twice.  I have never met/read a huge idiot who had a genuine problem with getting pregnant - but how many idiots do we know that got pregnant easily?

When it happens - and it will - you'll be putting one up on the scoreboard of awesome people in a time when we're losing dramatically to awful people.  Because you've been a Mother to that kid looooong before it was conceived, and love is never something you're going to have to work for.

When you're angry/frustrated/just done with your uterus, and you're thinking that you are disappointing everyone - yourself, your husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/plumber, your pain in the ass mother-in-law - and are thinking you may not end up with a child at all, know this:  should you never procreate, all those people (including myself) will have considered themselves lucky to have known a kick-ass, fascinating and vibrant warrior woman that makes up for those boring assholes down the street with 10 children.

Now send me your secrets, asshats.

Love,
Stork


66 comments:

  1. My REs office uses the second bathroom as a male delivery room. The first time I stumbled in I was taken aback. One should be warne before facing off to 549 nudey magazines.

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    1. C'mon! I love the idea of surprise porn! ::surprise::

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  2. Amazing. Your blog is amazing. Thank you so much for making me laugh. P.S. I love playing Mario. Love it.

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    1. Yessss my sister in Mario-ness! Get out here let's play.

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  3. I am squicked by the idea of upholstered furniture in a whack room. Although if I were in the middle of a Super Mario Brothers marathon I might be persuded to sit on one.

    Also, by "pictures" of "Ryan Gosling" I assume you mean "Patrick Stewart talking sexy" (have I mentioned that my husband has the Star Fleet symbol tattooed on his arm?)

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    1. Your Patrick Stewart obsession continues to astound me. Although admittedly I would very much like to hear him talk sexy.

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  4. I loved every bit of this Ryan Gosling/ Mario/ Chumbawamba post. Thanks for kicking us out of funk city!

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    1. I try, I try! And to think "won't you take me to funkytown" is such a happy little number.

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  5. As someone who is definitely in a funk and furious at her uterus right now, I really needed this. The last 2 paragraphs of the letter made me tear up (oh, period hormones, how I love you). I need you and your magic uterus flashlight in there NOW!

    Thanks for making me laugh! I get so excited when my blog-reader-thing tells me you have posted! Can I be your best Canadian friend? I'll send you something Canadian as a marker of our friendship..hmmm....maple syrup...an igloo...or maybe Ryan Gosling...

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    1. YES You can be my Canadian best friend. YESSSSS. I have not one Canadian in my strange collection of circusy friends.

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  6. Lots of wine, awesome music, sweatpants, FOOD. These are the things that do it for me. (What's lingerie?) Sidenote- I sometimes realize how cheesy my own friends are that own shit-tons of lingerie, or better yet, whose husbands buy it for them all the time because they think they love to wear it. And then I realize that my husband who actually knows me, and wants to have sex with me while I wear his holey, no elastic boxers, is so far superior to all those bozos. (Sorry to offend those who love lingerie. I do own one nightie which I've agreed to wear on our anniversary, it was a gift.)

    Speaking of 10 children down the street, today on fertilebook I saw that a girl from high school is pregnant with her FOURTH child that I know she can't afford. Le sigh.

    I truly love that last paragraph, and I love you.

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    1. FOURTH child? Fucking fertiles. Fuck. Ing. Fertiles.

      A corset - I'm telling you! I cannot speak highly enough of corsets. Life changing.

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  7. This post = best ever. You are awesome and I hereby promise to reward you with one secret by Sunday. I just spent 10 minutes thinking but need to come up with a good one. But I will do it!

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    1. YOU are full of the awesome sauce. Full to the brim.

      You understand that this is a legally binding contract and that I now require a secret.

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  8. The first clinic my husband and I went to, I went in to, ahem, help things along. It was a dimly lit room with a double wide recliner protected with a disposable chuck, a flat screen TV and a boatload of DVDs and magazines...I was quite impressed....the second clinic, I didn't go into the room, but hubs said it serves it's purpose. At the IVF clinic, well that's the room of shame with a door bell and everything...

    I agree we women deserve a little pampering while being probed among other things...

    The whole mario thing...yeah I always wondered what Peach saw in those two bothers....

    And Ryan Reynolds for me please....HAHAHA!!! Actually, we all know my preference for drummers so a nice picture of Larry Mullen, JR

    Now show me your boot straps and I'll help pull you out of your funk!!!

    I'm thinking of a good secret....

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    1. Don't you put Ryan Reynolds in my happy place!!!!

      Drummers I will approve of.

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  9. I guess I'm slow on the scene, I didn't realize you were back from blog-cation. Welcome back and I will now never be able to play super mario brothers again with out getting kinda randy. Bored housewife and hot plumber is one of my favorite games.

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    1. OMG I have never tried this game... Though I may have the outfit and Bub certainly has the pants.

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    2. If you can end the game on top of the washer you get extra points. Plus you have to wear pearls otherwise it's just trashy.

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    3. HAHAHA... CLASSAY! I have no pearls but I'm thinking we can fashion Bubba a monocle and a top hat like Mr. Peanut.

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  10. So many fascinating thoughts all jammed into one amazing post! Mario is rather dirty when you put that spin on it! And of course it's a man's world where their infertility tests include an orgasm!!! Ugh of course that's how it would be!

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    1. Honestly - do you think if they had to have one thing shoved up their butts they would go with it?

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  11. LOVE this post...thank you! I needed a letter like that today. Definitely a terrible-horrible-no good-very bad day that made me want to go to Australia. (Reference to a great kids book - Alexander and the Terrible-Horrible-No Good-Very Bad Day...my youngest brother loved it and then I loved reading it to the kids when I taught day care.)

    Your question about the spooj room made me ask J right here and now about the room at our RE's office. He describe as a closet. The funny thing is there are sperm on the floor leading to the special rooms. I'll try to get a picture of the spermies next week when we are there!

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    1. I love that book! I repeatedly use the term 'terrible horrible no good very bad day'.

      WE NEED SPERMY PICTURES. I WANT YOU TO BE THINKING OF NOTHING ELSE EXCEPT HOW TO GET THEM.

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  12. Aside from that very first period we ever got, (Hooray! Maybe my boobs will finally get bigger! . . . No? Well, then.) no woman enjoys the seven day blood vomit happenings of our vagayjay. But, while ttc, getting my period brings on a wole new level of hate. Today, I literally wanted to drop kick my uterus in the face. I wish there was a return policy on lady parts. "Um, yeah. . .this one just isn't working right. Can I exchange it, pretty please?"
    Oh, and I've convinced myself that my husband finds my stained sweat pants and tank top combo super HOT. High five for team awesome!

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    1. Sweat pants and tank tops are the OFFICIAL uniform for Team Awesome.

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  13. Love this post! Totally needed to read something like this today. I can assure you that even if you do get pregnant, those feelings do not go away. At least they haven't for me. I still want to drop kick most of my reproductive organs, though I have to hold off on the uterus since it's carrying precious (albeit high-risk) cargo. Although I have to disagree with you on one thing. My room wouldn't have Ryan Gosling. I never really got his appeal. My room would be plastered with all things Hugh Jackman and his voice. :)

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    1. I am overlooking the fact that you do not see Ryan Gosling's appeal. OVERLOOKING! Tell me if that man arrived covered in whip cream and saying you were the only woman that could scratch his particular itch you wouldn't go for it.

      I am full of good vibes for your cargo!

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  14. Ah yes, sentient body parts. Did you not know that your stomach knows if you are on holiday and no calories you consume in that time are absorbed. It's true, I promise, some doctor told me. Nick Riviera I think he was called.
    By the way, it is a good job I read this post in my pj's on the sofa and not in a cafe or other public place, because I just had a big blub over your lovely letter. Kitt had to ask me what the matter was. I told him and he said "read it out then". I started but only managed a line before dissolving into more tears so he had to read it himself.
    You are lovely. Thank you x

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    1. You are the freaking loveliest. I mean every word.

      HA! I get all my medical advice from the simpsons.

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  15. Great idea about the picture of "the room". Although I've heard it described, not sure I've ever seen a picture. Actually, pretty darn sure I would never have thought for a picture. :-) Hope you beat the funk soon, although I enjoy your funk-induced ramblings.

    Dawn Davenport
    Creating a Family~A nonprofit providing education and support for infertility and adoption
    www.CreatingaFamily.org

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    1. Funk-induced ramblings! man alive people are just full of good band names.

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  16. You need to write a book. I love you. I love your posts. I wish I had found this blog 3 years ago when my whole stupid journey started, but I'm thankful to have found it now!
    But seriously, you have a gift. You are an awesome writer AND you are hilarious. Please don't ever stop!

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    1. Yoooooouuuuu have made me very happy and full of blushing on a day that found me in the mechanic's for three hours. There'll be a little something extra in your paycheck this month.

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  17. Hi from ICLW...love the word spooj...hubby always used to say it was "spooj in a cup time" when we were doing IUI's, lol

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    1. I, too, love the word spooj and am quite upset that I don't get to use it in conversation nearly as much as I would like.

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  18. Thanks. I'll never be able to look at Mario the same again. Thanks for that. :)

    My husband always likes to remind me that there is a vinyl couch in 'the room' at our clinic. And that it's directly across from a nurse's station.

    I LOVE the letter at the end of your post! You are the BEST IF cheerleader, hands down. You must write more letters like this. You must.

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    1. Ha! Bub says I'm excellent at ruining things with words. You should see what I can do with food.

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  19. LOL! LOL @ EVERYTHING!

    I love you so much!

    That's all.

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  20. I'm curious about the room now! M usually takes care of things at home and then does a mad dash to get it delivered within the allotted time frame. That's what he's done in the past anyway - I guess we'll see if that's ok for IVF. Either way, I want him to check out the room so he can report back!

    ~ICLW

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    1. I genuinely now want everyone to get a report on their spooj rooms so we can all compare!

      Have you ever watched "Mad About You?" there's an episode where the lead guy has to dash his sperm somewhere and his car gets stolen, and then the bombsquad has to check the car out live on TV seeing as it's a strange cooler.

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  21. I want to visit the female masterbatorium. Early and often.

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    1. Umm, masterbatorium is one of my favorite words.

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  22. Ha ha ha. I agree that our tests should at least include the orgasm! Found you through ICLW and now I need to find time to read through all your posts. You have a wicked sense of humor. :-)

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  23. You never fail to cheer me up. :) I was laughing out loud through the whole plumbing bit (which was probably not good, since I'm at work).

    My husband complained ENDLESSLY about the room he had to give his sample in (he called it a Communist Russia porn closet, ca. 1970). I let him have his whine about it, but secretly I wanted to slap him and tell that 1) at least he had privacy, while I generally have two or more people looking up my vagina and 2) as awkward as it is to get off in a strange and creepy room, it's a helluva lot better than having speculums (specula?) and wands and catheters and god-knows-what-else shoved up into your private bits.

    Finally, thank you for the letter. It's just what I needed. You rock.

    (Secret is on its way...)

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    1. Give me your secret!

      Speculum can now be added to my list.. Literally at least once a day I wonder what the hell the plural of Uterus is. (Look at that beautiful flock of... Uteruses? Uteri?)

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  24. LMAO!! Thank you for another hilarious post :-) And I love that letter. You rock!! Love ya!!!

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    1. I love you as well, my little infertile angel.

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  25. I had the same complaint that Cloudy got to have an orgasm for his test and I didn't get so much as a smile. Unjust!

    I totally want to play Mario now!

    Thank you for the awesome letter. I feel the same about you.

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    1. SO UNJUST.

      Hop on over here let's play dirty Mario.

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  26. You crack me up! I have never thought about mario bros in such a manner. And what a great letter. You are also a Kickass woman!!

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    1. Full of perversion that game! Full. of. perversion.

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  27. Oh my stars! Thank you so much for the first crazy-ass laugh session I've had in far too long! I will never be able to play Mario bros without thinking about S&M ever again... :)

    ICLW #7

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    1. I am positively DELIGHTED to have dirtied up something innocent for so many people! If it's the only thing I've accomplished this week I am ahead of the game.

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  28. I love reading your blog! I have been lurking for a while and finally decided to comment. I especially love the post with the letter for infertiles. Keep making me laugh! Laughter is the best medicine.

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    1. Yesss.... Yesssss! I have lured out a lurker!

      No one make a sound, if we frighten her she'll run back into the bushes like a wild animal.

      Do not be afraid. I am friendlier than I look.

      Stay. Stayyyyy.

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  29. Fabulous. Why have I not been to your bloggy corner of the internet before? I love it here. Super Mario and all (spot on ... WTF *is* going on there?!).

    And just read back in your archives a bit ... I lived in LA for three years, and never went to a drag brunch. Clearly, I have some loose ends to tie up. !!

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    1. I dunno! I know I've been to your blog (I distinctly remember you taking a stand on chik-fil-a which is awesome).

      You NEVER. WENT. TO. A. DRAG. BRUNCH. I'm going to need you to get in your car now - I don't care if there are oceans in between - and let's get this thing DONE.

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  30. Honestly, even with your description of the woman's version of the "pleasure room," I'd rather be subjected to the transvag invader than have to perform under pressure like that. But nice try ;)

    A lovely letter, thanks for sharing. I just might have to bookmark this for the next time one of those moments hits!

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    1. Bookmark it! Plus I'm thinking I'll write others.

      Ohhhhh c'mon... I think you could get it off in the pleasure room. Have faith, have faith!

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  31. Lovely letter, my dear. I love the mention of the stupid people being able to get knocked up easily. I see it every day and it pisses me off to no end!!! I never have saw so many pregnant smokers in my life as I have in the past year. WTF?! You are also so riiiight about all of us already being mothers. We are. And we are damn good ones too. We love these little ones even before they are created and we will have a fantastic story to tell junior one day (although they might not appreciate stories from the spooj room...hehe). I am going to forward this letter to one of my friends who is having a tough time right now. 5 miscarriages with one lucky IVF baby in the middle. I think she will appreciate it as much as I have. You are the BEST!!!!

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    1. You are the best as well, my dear. I'm sending nothing but good vibes your way.

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  32. I hate the term LOL, but I have to say I actually have laughed out loud at your last two posts I've read. Love your blog, and now must go read your archives!

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    1. Thanks, lady! I'm happy that I seem to give people a bit of the giggles. It's good medicine, for me.

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