Monday, November 19, 2012

The Twilight of Cancer

Well helloooooo, blogosphere!

We had a bit of a scare over here last week at House of Stork, and so instead of blogging I have had my lips essentially glued to the side of Bub's face and reminding him that I like him a lot.

So Bub had his kidney stone incident which turned out to not be kidney stones.  He was home a couple of days after I took him to urgent care, and he kept saying "it's cancer".

I am,  in most situations, the calm and rational one.  And I reminded him repeatedly that if you look up anything on google, it will say you have cancer.  Type in 'stomach pain' = cancer.  Ouch ouch my toe hurts = cancer.  Stevie Wonder's Greatest Hits = cancer.

However, because I lost my Dad to cancer ( and one you rarely, rarely die from) I have some dormant cancer-ptsd in the back of my head, so when urgent care called Bub after they got his ultrasound results and told him he must return to urgent care to have the doctor explain the results to him, I panicked.

So for a good 3 hours in the middle of last week, Stork was teetering dangerously between agnostic theism (don't believe in organized religion but I'd like to think there's some universal force) and flat out atheism.

Mind you, I used to be much more optimistic.  Score one for infertility.  But at this point, I am optimistic about G-d answering my prayers much in the same way one is optimistic that someone will answer the phone after you've been on hold with the cable company for 2 hours.  Yes it requires a certain level of optimism, but mostly you're just pissed.

(And before you tell me  G-d wants to smite me - one thing I am 100% certain of is that if there is someone out there in the ether trying to take care of me, they can handle me being pissed.  When a 4 year old is pissed at me, I let the 4 year old be pissed - I don't have the desire to hit them over the head with a frying pan in response.  And I only have 26 years on a 4 year old... G-d has a gajillion on me).

I did, in the waiting room, repeatedly think - you know what, I don't need money, I don't even need kids - I need Bub.  Of course I desperately want children, you know I do.  But when it comes down to it, in the scary moments, I will pick my husband over theoretical kids every single time. So I was telling G-d/Zeus/Tom Cruise in my mind, I can handle not having kids far better than I can handle not having Bub.  I would be a shell of a woman without kids, but I would not survive without Bub.  If need be, we'll just be one of those interesting childless couples that travels a lot, wears turquoise jewelry and has a scarf for every possible occasion.

ANYHOO.

Turns out he was fine - he just had a gnarly infection. In the parking lot afterwards I kissed him out of relief and slapped him for scaring me because that's how I roll.

And now on to more important things - the Twilight series.


I have written about religion and politics in here and somehow got away with it.  I fear what I'm about to say may be the thing that causes several of you to break up with me.  Here goes.

Twilight is the worst thing ever.  Not book, not movie - the worst thing ever.

Seeing scores of teenage girls lining up in tents to see this movie makes me weep for todays youth.

I read the books a few years ago - when we were back east for Christmas, my sister-in-law Bubella had a copy and I read it to see what the fuss was about.

A few points.

If you take a vampire and make him able to walk in the sun (and the worst consequence is that he sparkles like a diamond), make him a vegetarian, and a virgin, you have just removed everything that made a vampire cool in the first place and replaced him with a closeted homosexual.  (My point - if you took my gay husband Mr. T and made him immortal and sparky, he would not be frightening he would be fabulous.  For badass vampire, see Bela Lugosi or True Blood).

Let's just ignore the fact that it's awful and lazy writing, and just focus on one particular aspect of this - the author forgot to give Edward a personality.  She made him rich, and handsome, and the sparkly gay-pride-parade version of a vampire...but no personality.

She did give Bella a smidge of a personality, however...  if by 'personality' you mean clumsy, and absolutely incapable of taking care of herself without the aide of a man.  In reading the books it became clear to me that the only way the story would have resolved itself appropriately is if in the end the vampires and werewolves got to rip this girl to shreds.

(And I won't even get into the movie... as I have explained before, I believe Kristen Stewart is good for nothing except upsetting my bowels.. Hair flipping and grunting does not an actress make).

Now not only am I supposed to believe that this town is riveted by this mind-numbingly boring and incapable girl, but I am to believe that the oldest, most powerful vampires in the world stop all that they are doing and give a shit about what's going on with her.

And my greatest point, a few of the positive messages for todays teenage girls include:
  • All a guy needs to be is rich and handsome.
  • You are unable to take care of yourself without said guy.
  • If guy asks you to forsake your family and people who are trying to be your friends (despite the fact that you are unbelievably boring) in order to be with him, you should.
  • If an in-theory 100 year old man has been roaming the earth waiting for a 17 year old girl to fall in love with, this is in no way creepy.
  • Don't have sex before you get married - it's just plain stupid to test drive a car.
  • Get married at 18 so you can have sex - it always works out.

And my darling infertiles - spoiler alert - the dead man knocks her up.  Now I understand I'm supposed to suspend disbelief here, it's vampires after all.  I am willing to do this for sex.  Fine, okay, the dead man gets a boner despite not having any blood circulation (I calm myself about that one reasoning that he must just constantly have a boner). But fully functioning 100 year old sperm?  NO.  I won't!  I can't! 

(Sidenote - I have not read the 50 shades books.  It wouldn't occur to me first of all only because erotica has been around forever and I don't understand what's wrong with just watching porn.. But more importantly - inspired by Stephanie Meyer's writing?  NO.)

(Another sidenote - this may just offend me here, but the whole thinly veiled Mormon agenda... You're incomplete without a man, getting married at 18 is smart, don't have sex before you're married because the guys power will be too much for you - barf - and if a pregnancy is killing you, doesn't matter, keep it anyway).

The only argument that gave me pause was when one of my friends pointed out that I hate this series so much and yet I love Romeo and Juliet.

Pause.

My response to that - 

No one reads Romeo and Juliet and thinks it's relevant, in the literal sense, in this day and age.  Story of love - universal, powerful forever... but logistically finding someone, marrying them at 13 and instead of running away offing yourselves together?  I think most girls put together that that's not plausible.  But there are girls - oh I assure you they are out there - that think these books are the perfect example of what love is.

These books are a great example of love much in the same way that Beverly Hills is a great example of love. Rich old man meets emotionally vapid woman a quarter of his age, marries her because it's the one way he can get nookie.

And even the idea of comparing this woman's writing to Shakespeare... Much like Kristen Stewart's acting, it makes my bowels hurt.


PS - I am inflicting myself on the internet further.  My apologies to your ears - I was a guest on this week's Bitter Infertile's podcast (and it was early, early in the morning so my apologies for any allergy-riddled sounds).  I'm in the last 45 minutes I think - but listen to the whole damn thing!  Was fun.  What a great bunch of broads.



65 comments:

  1. Kristen Stewart is an awful actress. The day she plays a part that is cheery, shiny, vibrant and verbose and pulls it off is the day I will change my opinion. I'm not holding my breath.

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    1. It won't happen... And this girl has millions - millions! The onnnnly movie I've ever liked with her in it was "adventureland" and that was only because her hair flipping and grunting in that particular instance worked okay.

      But good gawd.. That girl...

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  2. Yikes, cancer scares are not cool... and I speak also from a cancer-PTSD perspective. Whenever my hubby and I get bad news from the fertility clinic, we just keep repeating "we don't have cancer, we don't have cancer" and rocking back and forth until normalcy reappears.

    And yeah, I agree with you 100% on the Twilight thing. It all sounds horrible, and when I tried to watch the first movie on the plane, I could only stomach about 10 minutes before I had to turn it off.

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    1. See? KRISTEN STEWART RUINS BOWELS.

      I need a t-shirt that says that.

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  3. GUFAW! No seriously you had me laughing. I was gifted the first two books in the series for xmas a few years back. I never saw the first movie at the theater and only saw the second at the theater because I was bored and husband was deployed. Not knowing what was playing I went anyway.

    Since I live in PNW I can testify that there are plenty of walking dead out there but I think we call them that because they are high on pot and so pale faced from smoking pot while playing video games that Stephanie Meyer must have confused those virgins for vampires.

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    1. HA! Confused those virgins for vampires.. Damn that Stephanie Meyer and her lack of research.

      I have seeeen a few of the movies thinking maybe they'd be better? Plus even when I hate a book I can't resist the movie-book comparison.. But oh.. even though they aren't as terrible (there's no excuse for that womans writing) that Kristen Stewart.. There's just something about her that IRKS me.

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  4. I am a regular and devoted reader and infrequent commenter, but I had to comment today to say that I am totally with you about Twilight. I just don't get what the fuss is about. I read the first book because a few people I know just RAVED about how good it was. . . yeah, not so much.

    Glad your hubby is OK.

    Oh, and P.S. Stephenie Meyer shops at the same grocery store as me. She lives less than 15 minutes from my house (or did. . . with the millions she's earned from these craptastic books, she may've moved by now).

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    1. The thing is, I don't think it would've been the most terrible story idea (at least the girl-moves-to-town-infested-by-vampires part) but that writing... Someone once told me that she just thought it would be 'fun' to write a book and had no prior interest or word-love prior to seeing how much money J.K. Rowling (who is BRILLIANT) made.

      OMG.. please if you ever see her at the grocery store ask her how a dead man impregnates a teenager.

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  5. 1. I'm very, very, very glad that Bubs is going to be ok and doesn't have cancer. J has been in remission from kidney cancer for two years now, but I still live in fear that it's going to come back. It sucks.

    2. I've never read a Twilight book, nor watched a Twilight movie. I don't imagine that will ever change, unless someone decides to kidnap and torture me by forcing me to watch the films on a repeating loop. I have, however, seen two Kristen Stewart movies and I agree with your assessment of her. She's about as charismatic as the moldy sweat sock stinking up the back of my husband's closet. Her fame makes no sense to me.

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    1. NO sense.. None. I remember when she was little she was in a movie with Jodie Foster - Panic Room? And she was pretty good. What happened, Kristen Stewart?

      OMG. You have to at least read the first chapter of any of these books just to see how GENUINELY awful the writing is..

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    2. Oh my gosh I hated panic room. I don't remember Kristen in it but maybe I was too distracted by Jodi's overacting to notice Kristen's under acting.

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  6. Replies
    1. Thank you lovely! I'mma thinking about you.

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  7. First let me say, I am SOOOO glad Bub is going to be fine and pylonephrosis is awful! He's lucky he didn't have to be hospitalized! Please let him know I'm thinking of him and hoping he's feeling better!

    Secondly....they call it mind rot for a reason....perfect distraction for failed cycles. I can't say it's the best book I ever read because that would make me some sort of imbecile, but I do enjoy reading trash. And let's face it, it is complete trash. However, after this, I chose not to read the latest trash of 50 shades...one dip in the trash pile was enough for me for a while :P

    And yes, I'll see the stupid movie, only because I'm that person who can't possibly look away from a train wreck...but I go to the early show...it's only $5 and I get free cherry coke and popcorn....that makes it worth it right there...

    OH PLEASE don't stop being my friend because I like trash....I by no means think it's good, just pure entertainment and what's more entertaining than train wrecks???

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    1. Hahaha.. Okay I accept this only because you admit it's a garbage filled car crash.

      (And I occasionally watch Maury Povich to feel better about my life... who am I to judge?)

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  8. So glad to hear that Bub is OK! And yes yes yes, I agree with you about Kristen Stewart (and Robert whats-his-name too, I might add). I read the books because there were a few ladies at work obsessed with everything Twilight and I wanted to know what they were talking about. Let me tell you, less than impressed. I saw the first movie and it made me want to throw something at the TV so I have abstained from the rest of them.

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    1. See, I would find him incredibly attractive, that Robert... He's very dreamy, and has the accent.. But unfortunately his taste in women has numbed my loins.

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  9. I refuse to have anything to do with Twlight. And how does a bloodless vampire get an erection? That is a very good question.

    Glad no Bubs doesn't have cancer but a gnarly infection doesn't sound like much fun. Hope he feels better soon.

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    1. He's much, much better! Thank gawd. He's a terrible patient that Bub.


      We should all sign a petition insisting that stephanie meyer's answer that question.

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  10. Glad your hubby is ok, that doesn't sound like much fun.

    I read the Twilight books and have to agree with everything you said about them. How does a vampire get a boner?

    I am in a book club with other women That are going through IF or have gone through treatments and some of the books people have picked have been horrible!It boggles my mind that people enjoy reading such crap. I started 50 shades and couldn't get past the first half. It is so much worse than Twilight if you can even picture such a thing. Despite the bad pics, it's still fun!

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    1. Much worse? NO. Impossible! Impossible... But yeah, any woman who reads Twilight and then says "I am inspired by this wonderful piece of literature.. Only I'm going to add sex.." No.

      Rent porn, people, rent porn!

      I would love-love-love-love to be in a book club.. But I'm a-scared for that very reason.

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  11. I am so glad your hubby is ok! i hear you about the cancer-PTSD. it's very real and very scary.

    i agree with every single point of your Twilight analysis. Yes, yes and more yes.

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    1. I'm so happy that no one is arguing with me about this. It restores my hope in humanity.

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  12. I agree with you on the husband front. I badly want a baby but could live without one. I would loose my shit if I lost my husband. I'd have to get all Romeo and Juliet about it. (See what i did there)

    I watch the movies and I can't really tell you why or that I enjoy them. hmmm, you are right about Edward having no personality and Bella being not at all worth it, she is so whiny. But now I gotta know how it ends. Maybe it's because I hope that there is a way to young for me hottie that turns into a beautiful animal out there waiting for me :)

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    1. Haha in that scenario - you would be the beautiful animal, and that beautiful animal would be a cougar. Rawr.

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    2. hahaha If the fangs fit.....

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  13. I agree, "twatlight" as I like to call it is dumb, and so is 50 shades. I rather read some erotica by Anne Rice, or watch Nosferatu, or American Horror Story, which by the way I think I'm the only person who may love this season more then last.

    I love how much you love Bubba. It came through so much in this post. So glad it was just an infection, even though I'm sure it sucks to be in his shoes. Glad it was not C....because C can go fuck it's self!!!

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    1. You know, I was a wee bit disappointed with the first few episodes of AHS - but now I'm hooked again.. I just missed me some ghosts.

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    2. Oh I think the ghosts are coming. I think Lana's girlfriend is going to haunt Bloody Face....we shall see!

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  14. I was thinking about un-following you for a day, just to give you a scare. Because I *know* your eyes are glued on your member numbers right now. But then I thought that would be too mean and I'd instead just tell you about my evil plan. I would make a horrible villain in any novel. But maybe if I sparkled like diamonds...

    Beyond relieved that Bub is healthy, happy, and put in check for giving you a scare like that.

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    1. Hahaha yay! I love a villain who reveals their plot.

      Yes indeed.. I celebrate all health victories by beating on the person who received good news. It's just called love.

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  15. Have you ever seen Kristen Stewart giving an interview? So painful to watch. I only read the first Twilight book and could barely finish it because of the awful writing. Then I found out about the vampire/human baby and knew there was no way I could read any more of the series.
    I actually know someone who named her son Cullen after these books. And takes her daughter (who is currently 9) to all the movies. Yes, this woman gets to have children and I don't. Suck it, universe!

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    1. You know someone who named their baby Cullen? What the mother eff?

      Fucking breeders.

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  16. Storky. I am so so so sorry about the scare with Bub and so happy to hear that he is okay!

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    1. Gracias lady! I'm out of the bloggy world for a few days and I miss your news!

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  17. So very glad to hear that your Bubs isn't dealing with anything more than a bad infection (even tho I can fully attest that kidney infections suck in the worst way).

    And I am fully with you on just about every point about Twilight. It's absolutely terrible and sends awful messages to our young girls. There was a girl who was on my staff at the bookstore who had, at that point, read the series a dozen times. She loved Bella so much, and thought that Edward was the epitome of dreamy-ness. Gag!

    As for the movies (and I haven't seen them)... I can't stand Stewart. And I really REALLY don't get the fuss about Pattinson. He looks stoned half the time, and the child needs a haircut.

    (when the hell did I turn into my mother?)

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    1. Hahaha He DOES need a haircut. (I would think he was completely dreamy simply based on accent, however the whole Stewart thing discredits him).

      I would just looooove to see a series of teenage-books where sure, there's a fantastic love story but the girl isn't a weakling. Is that so much to ask, world?

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  18. I LOVE the twilight books. I do agree with most of what you said but I still love them. I'm not a teenage girl though and don't see it as the epitome of love

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    1. WHAT?!

      Okay. I will accept this based on the last two sentences. ;)

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  19. Firstly I am soo fucking that Bub is ok, you poor girl. We had a testicular cancer scare a couple of years ago and literally nothing could be scarier or worse than losing the hubs.
    Secondly whilst I have not read Twilight I hate the movies and I HATE Stewart, she makes my blood boil she is so inane and so fucking dull! She's not even very pretty! And when I saw the trailer for the newest ones i was like how the fuck does a vampire baby even grow beyond an embryo? Let alone into a child.
    Whilst I say all this I have to admit to having read all the 50 shades. Such.Shit. Like a train wreck I read them all but I am shocked how anyone could thing they are good. All they do is depict a controlling, abusive relationship. S&M it is not. Porn it is not. At least to anyone who's had a half decent shag. And don't even get me started on the fact she orgasms about 15 times when she loses her virginity!

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    1. so relieved that was meant to be! ha ha So Relieved that Bub is ok!
      It appears I ranted a bit!

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    2. She has orgasms her first time?!? WHAT?!?!

      I heaaaard that about the 50 shades books, too. I'm all for S&M or playing throw-down or cave-man roles occasionally, but the whole mind-control thing was a bit of a turn off.

      The infuriating thing is they pay Stewart millions. Millions!

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  20. Um, yeah, what you said about Twilight. Admitedly, I did see the first two movies at the dollar theater...and I only kind of wanted those two hours of my life back :) (I didn't want the dollar back though, I really wanted them to stay in business...no such luck.)

    BG went into the doctor once because I didn't like the lymph node sticking out of the base of his neck and the doctor casually mentioned that he needed a blood test for lymphoma and sent him on his way. Not cool! Even the small chance of cancer is a very scary thing! I'm glad that, like BG, Bub is okay and cancer free! I hope the infection clears up quickly.

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    1. He casually mentioned that?! Good Lord. I feel like if I were a Doctor when I had to do things like that I would at least be.. sensitive. That's what bummed me out about this urgent care nonsense is they were just like "oh, we thought we could give you the results over the phone but we can't - you need to come back in and see him so he can explain" and that was IT. Yicky.

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  21. Aww! :-( OMG, I'm so sorry you guys had a scare! I'm glad everything is ok, and I hope he feels much better soon. Phew, so relieved for you guys. *big hugs*
    LOL at your whole twilight spiel!! hahah. I will make no comment, but I don't read or watch it. ;-)

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    1. Now I am curious as to why you make no comment.. do you have a lust for Edward, Lisa? ADMIT IT!

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  22. So glad to hear that Bubs is ok. I often think about what I would do without my other half and it totally freaks me out. Oh and I also hate Twilight and Kristen Stewart makes me want to barf up the yogurt that I just ate. Yuck. What a lovely role model for today's teens.

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    1. Oh it's my nightmare go-to thought. What would I do if... I have literally had days where I'm convinced he's been in some sort of car crash on the way to work simply because I'm insane.

      See - Kristen stewart causes stomach issues.

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  23. Once again, you and I, two people... one brain.

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  24. Thank goodness Bubs is okay. I agree- I can handle living childfree moreso than I would be able to handle losing my husband.

    Never read the Twilight books or saw the movies....and it will stay that way.

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    1. You are a smart, smart girl for this decision!

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  25. I am so happy all is well!

    I tried to watch twilight or whatever the hell it is... I lasted 5 minutes. So bad!

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    1. SO bad.. and my point is the whole thing rests on the readers/watchers ability to believe that these people love each other... and it's like - based on what? Based on what?

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  26. Eeeek! So glad your hubs is ok. My husband allllways thinks he has cancer (so far colon, brain and skin) and is about to die. Ugh. And I heart Twilight almost as bad as an annoying teen girl. That said, Kristen Stewart makes me wanna vom usually - she was actually pretty and an ALMOST good actress in the last movie. And the writing and characters really are pretty awful. But oh my I couldn't put the books down and am really sad the whole saga is all over. Now tell me you still love me! xoxo

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    1. Oh Stork Chaser.. Oh Stork chaser... You are lucky I love you so much. Your opinion of Kristen Stewart however gives me hope. ;)

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    2. shut your face. you love me too much to need any hope! :P what's funny is that I'm a little embarrassed I loved the disney channel up until about 3 years ago, but fully proud of my twihardiness! ;) you don't love me any less because of that confession, now do you?

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  27. That's quite a scare you two went through. I'm so glad the ending of the story is much happier than the beginning.

    Wasn't a Kristen Stewart fan until she caused that "scandal" last summer. Way to shock 'em, girlie.

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    1. And evidently they're back together! Really? Kristen Stewart is worth THAT?

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    2. NO. She isn't worth anything. It must have been all for the media.

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  28. So women are cars now, who need to be test driven before "purchase"? Wow, we've come a long way...

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    1. As in, Ms. Anonymous, for both parties. At no point do I say "test drive the women, men!"

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  29. OMG I am SO GLAD I am not the only person that thinks Twilight is about the WORST THING EVER. I mean EVER.
    You are my new favorite :)

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    1. (PS) Though Breaking Amish and Sister Wives? Best.shows.ever.

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