Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Acting

Happy day before food-death, Americans!

And greetings, ICLWers!

Me in bullets:
  • Been with Bubba for 9 years, married for six.
  • Condom laziness followed by actual trying in 2009.
  • 9-10 rounds of clomid, 1 IVF, 1 chemical pregnancy.
  • While I have my occasional moment of introspection, and certainly have sad eggs, this is mostly a place for shenanigans.
  • ::jazz hands::
I was a vegetarian before I met Bub.  Let me rephrase - I was a vegetarian who loved the taste of meat before I met Bub.  Then one day I casually ate some beef and broccoli and it was all over after that.  Within a week of dating him I was hooked on Bub-meat and meat in general.

This morning - 

Bub:  Any bets on which turkey gets the Presidential pardon?  Your choices are cobbler or gobbler.  I'm going with gobbler.
Me: I'll take cobbler.... Wait.. what happens to the other turkey?
Bub: Pause... maybe they both get to live but the one who wins gets a medal or something.
Me:  That's it after tomorrow I'm not eating meat.
Bub:  Oh... gawd.

Here's the thing.  Bub loves meat (that sounds like an excellent title for a gay porn).  Plus he can't mess around with his diet too much because, in the words of Wilford Brimley, he's got the type 1 diabeeeetus.

Secondly, our exposure to non meat eaters the last few years has been limited to Vegans, let's say... 5 vegans.  So one of those vegans is delightful, knows how to cook and knows what they're talking about.  I would eat their food, I would eat it so hard.

The other 4 we were exposed to a few days into their vegan decision, and have to sit there for ten minutes while they grill waiters under hot lights and then end up sulking and picking at bread.  Additionally, if you ask them about their decision they don't seem to have any answers and this being Los Angeles it comes off like a socially acceptable way to be anorexic.

Plus, unfortunately, our vegan exposure has always inevitably wound up with someone holding a giant bag of kale like it was their last bit of crack, trying to convince us that it's just as good as bacon.  Discredited.

So vegan for me, I think, is out.  I buy the million dollar eggs that are free range/grain fed and I feel pretty good about that.  I also don't drink a whole lot of milk and I don't wear leather as I am not a Persian socialite or 1970s rock god.

But I am sick of watching movies where an animal dies, diving to cover my dogs ears and then telling her afterwards that that animal is an acting animal.. they are tickled pink to have had this role, and are in a bar right now getting laid strictly because of it.  Inevitably my dog looks at me and says "but.. you eat those kinds of animals". Damn that dog and her retorts.

So lots to think about.... after Thanksgiving.

(10 points if you know who that is... he makes me tinkle laughing.  TINKLE).

I have had the same car since I started driving.  She is a 1997 honda civic, and her name is Towanda the Honda, and she has been the acting queen of my motor safety for 15 years.  Her skin is pealing, she shakes if you turn the not-really-functioning ac on, she is full of trash, she can only play a song on my ipod for 30 seconds at a time, and her rear says "honk if you're cute, bark if you're ugly". Oh how I have loved her.

Bub had to drive her yesterday so I could get his car serviced - but don't worry, I warned him to watch out on his way home for women flying out of nowhere onto the hood of the car as Towanda is the ultimate pussy magnet.  It's a real liability.

She is dying, friends.  I had it verified by the car doctor on Monday, and today when I took her for a wee spin her check engine light went on.  Her next and final ride with me will be to my mechanic's to be stripped and sold for parts like a common street whore.  Mentally writing her eulogy as we speak.

In other news - as I was waiting at the mechanics for two hours yesterday staring at the ceiling and enjoying the smell of manly musk, I realized I have fooled around with one of the cast members of American Horror Story and teenage 'dated' him for a few weeks. I had this revelation, had Bub check online for the one fact I knew about him that is odd, and it was him.  I have love letters from him either buried somewhere in my house or my mothers garage.  (If this peaks your interest - message me.. I can't believe it).  If I was a crueler person I could make money on ebay, I tell you.

Tomorrow we in American Infertiles will sit down, count our blessings, stuff our faces, and try to act as though we are happier than we actually are.  Our holiday portrayals could win Oscars, I tell you.

If you need a giggle to prepare for your performance, I give you... Stefon.  (Seriously, if you have no idea what this is look up "saturday night live stefon" - always makes this funny-snob CACKLE.)




33 comments:

  1. I was a vegetarian before I met my husband as well!! We've already celebrated Thanksgiving in Canada, in fact, I was actually in the middle of IVF#1 in Cancun during our Thanksgiving. I'm glad our Thanksgiving is over though, because I think I would suck at faking thankfulness right now! Happy Holidays, and thanks for stopping by Gypsy Mama, your blog is certainly entertaining :)

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    1. Haha thank you, thank you - I try, I try.

      Damn those husbands and their meat eating ways.

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  2. Hi from ICLW. Oh hell you know I follow you. Yup it's me that conservative wench that gets your dander up but you know you love me.
    Have a good feasting and remember not to end up looking like homer with food stuck to your face.

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    1. "that conservative wench that gets your dander up" - I DIE.

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  3. Omg I heart Stefon majorly... I really want him to hang out with Rebecca Larue (the character Kristen Wiig played on one episode -- srsly, look that shit up if you haven't already seen). And yes, like Mia, I've already celebrated Thanksgiving up here in Canadaland (WHY you Americans do this mere weeks before Christmas and then repeat the same meal/shenanigans all over again is beyond me). We always get a "happy turkey" from a respectable farm nearby; I'm also a recovering vegetarian, though -- chicken wings broke me -- and constantly struggle with my love for animals vs. my love for pulled pork. Vegans annoy the crap out of me, for the most part, except for maybe two people I know... they never seem to have a sense of humour.

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    1. Stefon is my go-to pick me up!

      AND OMG.. Rebecca Larue...I LOVE REBECCA LARUE. I HAVE MET DOZENS OF REBECCA LARUES.

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  4. I am (reluctantly) a former vegetarian. I too blame my husband for my meat eating ways. But I get my revenge by grossing him out with tempeh bacon.

    I love pretty much anything Bill Hader does. His Keith Morrison KILLS me.

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    1. OMG Jenny we loooooove it when he does Keith Morrison! We refer to Keith Morrison in this house as "mummy man" and were SO SHOCKED nobody on SNL did an impersonation of him and then sweet, sweet Bill Hader does it...

      Pretty sure he's on my do-him list. Hader, not Morrison.

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  5. Great post and i hear about about the "acting" on Thanksgiving part!

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    1. Yes! It will take much booze to make this girl seem happy.

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  6. I opted out of family Thanksgiving this year and will be spending it with childless friends instead. Both my pregnant cousin and cousin with a 2 month old will be at family thanksgiving and I decided it would be just way to much to bear. Plus, I am not a very good actress.
    I had my 1992 Toyota paseo until a couple years ago (it was technically my 2nd car but I got it in high school). I finally had to trade her in. It was strangely sad to get rid of her.

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    1. Childless thanksgiving! How did you manage this? We really should organize some sort of infertile holiday parties or something.

      Oh, I fear I will weep when she is driven or towed away...

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  7. I've always been a meat lover at heart though I tried the straight up vegan route for three months in college. I couldn't take it. I looooove me some medium rare steak!

    Bring on the booze! God knows I'll need it this Thanksgiving. One of the couples joining us for dinner has a "big announcement" they want to make. Ten bucks says they're knocked up.

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    1. Oh jeeeeeezus you poor girl... were they knocked up?

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  8. Geez...you make me nearly pee my pants all the time! I love that you can put a smile on my face even when I don't feel like it. Thanks for your kind words over at my blog! Happy Thanksgiving!

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  9. LOL, you always crack me up!
    How cool that you dated someone in American Horror Story!! I looove that show.
    I tried to go vegetarian years ago, but I love me some meat! :-/ :-)
    I hope you guys have a happy Thanksgiving!

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  10. OMG I love you! I laughed so many times through this post - Bub-meat, Towanda the Honda, sold for parts like a street whore, everything.

    So glad I found you through ICLW. New follower :)

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    1. Yaaaaay new follower! Greetings, Ms. Azara!

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  11. Yep, 2nd new follower via ICLW here! Brilliant post and it prompted me to comment and decide to follow without yet even reading any more...but I definitely will.
    No thanksgiving here in New Zealand but I do have Xmas to look forward to with my brother's 6mth old (the much loved first grandchild), and the fact that my baby should have been 6mths too, or that the second one I lost would've been 3mths. I really hope I'm knocked up again by then.

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    1. Hey girrrrrl! Yay new friends.

      Oh sweet merciful crap.. I mean I'm sure you love your brothers kid but that blows. Can we just go to sleep until January?

      Delete
  12. Shut the front door! I heart American Horror Story! Well, in a sick, watch through my fingers kind of way. So I'm sure I've seen half of your former paramour (partially obscured by my hands of course) as I watch. Must go message you now. Need. More. Input.

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    1. Oh I revealed it to you. I revealed it! My secret is now out.

      Delete
  13. Hi from ICLW #19! You CRACK me up. This post is awesome. My hubs is vegetarian which means at home I am too, but when we go out to eat? MEAT! And then I inevitably feel sick later. But I do it anyway, because I LOVE MEAT! In a non-porn way. Also, you had me at Jazz Hands - new follower fo' sho'.

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    1. Heyyyyy girl, heyyyyy!

      I freaking love that you rebel as a carnivore. Love! I think if I'm going to try the no-meat route again maybe I'll designate one day of the month as an eat-meat-until-I-puke day.

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  14. I have a new blog to follow! Yay!
    Most of the vegetarians I know are Indian, thus the rules are a little different with them. For the vegetarians, beef is bad, but leather is fine. Too complicated to explain here.
    Then there are the non-veg Indians that typically don't eat beef, but things like chicken, lamb, goat are fine.) My husband is the third kind - came to America and now loves beef. Interestingly enough - I don't eat beef anymore. We get a lot of weird looks in restaurants.
    Visiting from ICLW #7.

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    1. Heyyyy! I just randomly clicked on your blog playing catch up just a few moments ago, methinks.

      Beef is bad... but leather is fine? I'm going to have to figure that one out.

      Goat and lamb... see my husband will eat any animal, and I just.. there's something about getting into the goat & lamb area where I just can't get on board with it. I mean, what would MARY say?

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  15. You're hilarious! :)
    Stopping by via ICLW & a follower at that! ;) Happy Holidays!
    Bree

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    1. Happy Holidays Ms. Bree!

      Haha thanks, I try, I try...

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  16. Hey! I know holidays can be a pain... but I refuse to let infertility steal ALL of my joy! I'm planning to blog soon about surviving the holidays, so check back to check it out. I hope you can find a way to make this Christmas meaningful despite all the pain! Slynn ICLW#44

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  17. So sorry to hear about your car! :( Bummer!

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  18. Stopping by from ICLW! I recently had to get rid of my first and only car Wentworth. It was terribly depressing and I miss him terribly, but he was a 1998 Mazda Protege who had a billion miles so it was just his time.

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