Put Your Head to My Breast

Oh, ladies.  Oh ladies.

If we were all in the same room together, I would squeeze the hell out of you in a bear hug and then when your guard was down stick my tongue in your ear.

I am so happy, across the board.

First and foremost, my President, Mr. Barack Obama was re-elected.

On behalf of the gays, uteruses everywhere and my darling European friends, I would like to thank the HELL out of everyone who went out and voted, with particular emphasis on people who waited in line for hours to do so (seriously... now would be the time to ask me for sexual favors).

That being said... You know how I feel about LGBT rights, and in case you didn't get some of the 'smaller' news regarding yesterday's election, some other awesome highlights:

1. The first openly gay person was elected to senate in Wisconsin.
2. Maine and Maryland (whoop whoop Maryland!), and now Washington made gay marriage legal.
3. They of the recent rape comments, Akin and Mourdock, were beaten quite rightly.  (Hey, ladies, I guess we can shut that shit down!)

I am so fucking proud, not to mention relieved this morning, that my biggest problem today apart from trying to clean up my husband's celebratory beer bottles is trying not to verge on smug.

(I am stealing these pictures today from the lovely Bridget.. Bless her heart for voting blue in a red state).

Yesterday morning I was saying I was going to try to do some work, and not watch the news all day.  By yesterday evening, my eyes were bloodshot from alternating between the TV and the internet without blinking and my finger was stiff from hitting the 'refresh' button.  I had to remind myself over and over again that it's like this every election - it looks bleak for democrats at first because the red states are counted first.  

My hometown is D.C.  As I've explained before - D.C. is actually a tiny freckle of a city, and most of us who say "D.C." are from southern Maryland or Northern VA (NOVA). I'm from NOVA and I, she of the robotic emotionless heart, cried in 2008 when VA went blue.  This year it was again considered a swing state - and it was a fucking white-knuckle situation over here in Stork Town reading the facebook newsfeeds and seeing all my VA friends in line for hours trying to vote.  I kept saying it was going to go blue again this year and even with Bub doubting my brilliance, I was right.  (Okay - that was smug).

If you look at the state getting counted - it looks like tiny blue specks at the top of a sea of red.  But everyone lives where the tiny specs are, and while some of those giant red counties certainly have a fair share of peeps, some of them I'm pretty sure consist of just maybe one man and his pet goat.

I also may or may not have been forced - forced I tell you! - to participate in an online argument.

Okay, so I would never ever participate in a completely pointless online discussion.  I wouldn't.  Sure, I occasionally look at the mind numbingly stupid comments on political articles, but I would never jump in.  There's no point.

Allow me to insult myself a little to avoid being thought of as smug - I have Rodney Dangerfield-esque bug eyes, my hair will always be bozo-like, and if you threw a ball at me not only would I not catch it, I would duck and most likely squeal. 

That all being said, my one usually useless gift is being 'witty' or doing a decent job at putting words to things.  99.99% of the time I choose to use this gift for good, but on the rare and I feel called-for occasion, I can use this gift for evil.  (I would like to point out that by 'witty' and using it for 'evil', I do not mean just hurling insults).

What are the occasions I would use this gift for evil?

Gay rights.  I refuse to allow this to be a discussion anymore.  (Did anyone see that Louis CK skit on SNL where he's doing stand up as Lincoln, and says how much he hates having to talk to slave owners, and to pretend like he can kind of see it their way?)

Also, if you are a friend of someone I care about and the two of you get into an argument, I will stay out of it because it's none of my business.  If you completely go over the line and make them not so much angry, but feel like shit about who they are as a human being, I will claw your fucking eyes out.  (Never fear ladies, you're in the 'people I care about' category).

Mr. T, the best friend, is gay, married to a man, and one of the kindest (and cattiest - this is what makes him brilliant) people you will ever meet. He put up a very innocent status on Facebook yesterday to the affect of "Why don't people in places like Kentucky seem to understand civil rights?"

A 'friend' of his jumped in and she said a few words on the subject.  The first few I would've stayed out of - "I'm sick to death of people lumping me into that category just because I vote Republican".  Sure, okay, I'll stay out - I can see how that would be frustrating.  Then she says "I'm sorry but my finances are just way more important than making gay marriage legal.  You'd feel different if you had a family".

(Let's all pause a moment and appreciate the hypocrisy in that statement).

Cut to me ripping off my weave, taking out my earrings and putting on my brass knuckles.  A few of the gays and I jumped in, and being the only straight person I started out by assuring Mr. T that there's no fucking way my finances are more important than his whole life, and while there are so many laws restricting him from even having his 'own' family, he sure as shit still has one and We. Are. PISSED. 

She then proceeded to crawl up her own ass in response, and say that this is why she didn't get into any discussions on the matter because people just think their beliefs are more important than hers.

My friends rights are more important than your beliefs.

To explain this in the most extreme way possible, I use the slavery analogy.  (Yes it's extreme, but it's the one everyone thankfully gets.  If you just use women or gay rights at face value - I mean, throw in a vagina or some fellatio and people get confused).

To those of us in support of gay rights, saying you are voting for a candidate who is openly against gays altogether simply because you believe he has a better economic plan (and thankfully, I don't, which makes shit easier) is like saying to your slave friend "Hey, it's nothing against you - I have a lot of friends who are slaves - it's just I really believe in this whole cotton thing".

So for people this morning who are confused about why someone like me can't vote for someone like Mitt Romney, let me make it clear - it's the social issues.

(Again stolen from the lovely Bridget).

Again let me say that I don't personally think this man had a better financial plan (or a plan, for that matter) but even if I thought he had a slight edge in that category, he and his friends have made it impossible - I repeat, impossible - for 'someone like me' to vote for him.

I want you to have the right to be icked out by gay sex.  Shit - one of my favorite games is 'what would it look like if these people had sex?' and 75% of the time with gay or straight people, I get icked out and question why I continue to wonder these things in the first place. (The other 25% of the time though....)

I also want you to have the right to be disgusted by abortions.  Do it!  Think it's wrong, yell about it, read articles that claim fetuses are a key ingredient in Pepsi.  G-d knows I need an abortion like I need a hole in the head and I have no freaking clue what I would do if I had an unwanted (ha!) pregnancy.

But I am not for telling anyone they can't get married because I'm icked out.  I'm not for telling anyone they can't have an abortion because I wouldn't.  You don't want a gay marriage?  Don't get in one.  (They're crazy though.. I'm looking at you, Sunny and Emhart).  Don't want an abortion?  Don't get one.

And while I don't agree with Romney's financial 'plan' (which again makes shit easier - much like boycotting Chik-fil-a was easy because their food is atrocious) but 'people like me' couldn't agree to something that involved sure-fire better finances in exchange for our friends' lives.

Even if there was a guy saying my IVF could be paid for as long as I agreed to let Mr. T be a second class citizen, or tell other women what to do with their uterus, I wouldn't have the stomach for it.

So please oh please, if this morning you're surprised more of us weren't converted and are wondering how exactly to fix that four years from now, take the social shit off the table.

Okay, I vented.  I feel better.

My most optimistic hope for the next four years is that we can stop talking about social issues that I promise you are going to be humiliating in a few years, stop voting on people's genitals in general, stop assuming that I'm a 'moron socialist' looking for handouts, and do our very best to accept that black is as about American as it gets.

Just trust me, from the mouth of a true liberal, I would love nothing more - nothing more! - than for my biggest concern to be the economy.