Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Put Your Head to My Breast

Oh, ladies.  Oh ladies.

If we were all in the same room together, I would squeeze the hell out of you in a bear hug and then when your guard was down stick my tongue in your ear.

I am so happy, across the board.

First and foremost, my President, Mr. Barack Obama was re-elected.

On behalf of the gays, uteruses everywhere and my darling European friends, I would like to thank the HELL out of everyone who went out and voted, with particular emphasis on people who waited in line for hours to do so (seriously... now would be the time to ask me for sexual favors).

That being said... You know how I feel about LGBT rights, and in case you didn't get some of the 'smaller' news regarding yesterday's election, some other awesome highlights:

  1. The first openly gay person was elected to senate in Wisconsin.
  2. Maine and Maryland (whoop whoop Maryland!), and now Washington made gay marriage legal.
  3. They of the recent rape comments, Akin and Mourdock, were beaten quite rightly.  (Hey, ladies, I guess we can shut that shit down!)
I am so fucking proud, not to mention relieved this morning, that my biggest problem today apart from trying to clean up my husband's celebratory beer bottles is trying not to verge on smug.

(I am stealing these pictures today from the lovely Bridget.. Bless her heart for voting blue in a red state).

Yesterday morning I was saying I was going to try to do some work, and not watch the news all day.  By yesterday evening, my eyes were bloodshot from alternating between the TV and the internet without blinking and my finger was stiff from hitting the 'refresh' button.  I had to remind myself over and over again that it's like this every election - it looks bleak for democrats at first because the red states are counted first.  

My hometown is D.C.  As I've explained before - D.C. is actually a tiny freckle of a city, and most of us who say "D.C." are from southern Maryland or Northern VA (NOVA). I'm from NOVA and I, she of the robotic emotionless heart, cried in 2008 when VA went blue.  This year it was again considered a swing state - and it was a fucking white-knuckle situation over here in Stork Town reading the facebook newsfeeds and seeing all my VA friends in line for hours trying to vote.  I kept saying it was going to go blue again this year and even with Bub doubting my brilliance, I was right.  (Okay - that was smug).

If you look at the state getting counted - it looks like tiny blue specks at the top of a sea of red.  But everyone lives where the tiny specs are, and while some of those giant red counties certainly have a fair share of peeps, some of them I'm pretty sure consist of just maybe one man and his pet goat.

I also may or may not have been forced - forced I tell you! - to participate in an online argument.


Okay, so I would never ever participate in a completely pointless online discussion.  I wouldn't.  Sure, I occasionally look at the mind numbingly stupid comments on political articles, but I would never jump in.  There's no point.

Allow me to insult myself a little to avoid being thought of as smug - I have Rodney Dangerfield-esque bug eyes, my hair will always be bozo-like, and if you threw a ball at me not only would I not catch it, I would duck and most likely squeal. 

That all being said, my one usually useless gift is being 'witty' or doing a decent job at putting words to things.  99.99% of the time I choose to use this gift for good, but on the rare and I feel called-for occasion, I can use this gift for evil.  (I would like to point out that by 'witty' and using it for 'evil', I do not mean just hurling insults).

What are the occasions I would use this gift for evil?

Gay rights.  I refuse to allow this to be a discussion anymore.  (Did anyone see that Louis CK skit on SNL where he's doing stand up as Lincoln, and says how much he hates having to talk to slave owners, and to pretend like he can kind of see it their way?)

Also, if you are a friend of someone I care about and the two of you get into an argument, I will stay out of it because it's none of my business.  If you completely go over the line and make them not so much angry, but feel like shit about who they are as a human being, I will claw your fucking eyes out.  (Never fear ladies, you're in the 'people I care about' category).

Mr. T, the best friend, is gay, married to a man, and one of the kindest (and cattiest - this is what makes him brilliant) people you will ever meet. He put up a very innocent status on Facebook yesterday to the affect of "Why don't people in places like Kentucky seem to understand civil rights?"

A 'friend' of his jumped in and she said a few words on the subject.  The first few I would've stayed out of - "I'm sick to death of people lumping me into that category just because I vote Republican".  Sure, okay, I'll stay out - I can see how that would be frustrating.  Then she says "I'm sorry but my finances are just way more important than making gay marriage legal.  You'd feel different if you had a family".

(Let's all pause a moment and appreciate the hypocrisy in that statement).

Cut to me ripping off my weave, taking out my earrings and putting on my brass knuckles.  A few of the gays and I jumped in, and being the only straight person I started out by assuring Mr. T that there's no fucking way my finances are more important than his whole life, and while there are so many laws restricting him from even having his 'own' family, he sure as shit still has one and We. Are. PISSED. 

She then proceeded to crawl up her own ass in response, and say that this is why she didn't get into any discussions on the matter because people just think their beliefs are more important than hers.

My friends rights are more important than your beliefs.

To explain this in the most extreme way possible, I use the slavery analogy.  (Yes it's extreme, but it's the one everyone thankfully gets.  If you just use women or gay rights at face value - I mean, throw in a vagina or some fellatio and people get confused).

To those of us in support of gay rights, saying you are voting for a candidate who is openly against gays altogether simply because you believe he has a better economic plan (and thankfully, I don't, which makes shit easier) is like saying to your slave friend "Hey, it's nothing against you - I have a lot of friends who are slaves - it's just I really believe in this whole cotton thing".

So for people this morning who are confused about why someone like me can't vote for someone like Mitt Romney, let me make it clear - it's the social issues.

(Again stolen from the lovely Bridget).

Again let me say that I don't personally think this man had a better financial plan (or a plan, for that matter) but even if I thought he had a slight edge in that category, he and his friends have made it impossible - I repeat, impossible - for 'someone like me' to vote for him.

I want you to have the right to be icked out by gay sex.  Shit - one of my favorite games is 'what would it look like if these people had sex?' and 75% of the time with gay or straight people, I get icked out and question why I continue to wonder these things in the first place. (The other 25% of the time though....)

I also want you to have the right to be disgusted by abortions.  Do it!  Think it's wrong, yell about it, read articles that claim fetuses are a key ingredient in Pepsi.  G-d knows I need an abortion like I need a hole in the head and I have no freaking clue what I would do if I had an unwanted (ha!) pregnancy.

But I am not for telling anyone they can't get married because I'm icked out.  I'm not for telling anyone they can't have an abortion because I wouldn't.  You don't want a gay marriage?  Don't get in one.  (They're crazy though.. I'm looking at you, Sunny and Emhart).  Don't want an abortion?  Don't get one.

And while I don't agree with Romney's financial 'plan' (which again makes shit easier - much like boycotting Chik-fil-a was easy because their food is atrocious) but 'people like me' couldn't agree to something that involved sure-fire better finances in exchange for our friends' lives.

Even if there was a guy saying my IVF could be paid for as long as I agreed to let Mr. T be a second class citizen, or tell other women what to do with their uterus, I wouldn't have the stomach for it.

So please oh please, if this morning you're surprised more of us weren't converted and are wondering how exactly to fix that four years from now, take the social shit off the table.

Okay, I vented.  I feel better.

My most optimistic hope for the next four years is that we can stop talking about social issues that I promise you are going to be humiliating in a few years, stop voting on people's genitals in general, stop assuming that I'm a 'moron socialist' looking for handouts, and do our very best to accept that black is as about American as it gets.

Just trust me, from the mouth of a true liberal, I would love nothing more - nothing more! - than for my biggest concern to be the economy.


36 comments:

  1. I love everything about this post. Everything. Except I disagree with you that Chick-fil-A's food is atrocious. I think the food is rather tasty but I'll happily boycott it anyway, because standing up against ignorance and bigotry is far more important than yummy chicken in my belly.

    But as for everything else in the post - here, here! I could read your political rants for days and not get bored.

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    1. Haha thank GAWD you can because I'm all kinds of mouthy.

      But Chick-fil-A? NO. Okay granted I haven't had it in about 10 years and my experience with it was on a college campus which was maybe not it's finest hour... But really? I mean had Burger King been King of Assholes then boycotting the whopper would've been a challenge..

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  2. I agree with Jen. Chick-Fil-A has amazing little chicken bites. The irony? I first ate them at my gay friend's housewarming party.

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    1. Ugh! now I feel as though I should give them a re-try and yet I can't.. I can't! Ignorance is bliss?

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  3. Don't forget Washington state (my home state) they legalized gay marriage too. Three states refusing to deny people human rights was my favorite part of the election. Second was president Obamas reelection. Personally it saddens me that my sister can marry people (she married my husband and I and I consider her the patron saint of our relationship) but she herself cannot marry where we currently live. Let's hope that one of the Presidents first acts is to repeal DOMA!

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    1. Shit! Adding... did they just count that this morning?

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  4. It's hard living in Indiana, but I voted my little blue heart out as if it didn't matter. I'm a little proud of my fellow hoosiers for kicking Mourdock to the curb, though. It was too narrow for my taste, but at least that bastard is out!

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    1. Holy effing shit I can't believe I forgot that.. Okay adding.

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  5. Ps I hate it when people tell me banning gay marriage isn't discrimination. It IS. A sexual orientation is the same as a racial group. Its like trying to ban marriage for all Latino people. It's wrong.

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    1. Yeah.. Even if I were one of the 'icked out ones' (and I'm not.. I'll make out with any one of yas) I would like to think my logic would be that my Mom (Mexican) and Dad (white) wouldn't have been able to get married if they were a little older.

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  6. Surprisingly, Obama was only like 300,000 votes behind in this red state of mine which shocked me. Also, I live in the state Chik-Fil-A started in so its very good here but now you couldn't pay me to eat there. I'm so happy today.

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    1. I noticed that too - in a lot of the states that you think of as solid-red there were a lot of blue votes! (I cannot express how much I respect a liberal person who lives in a predominantly conservative state, or vice versa for that matter - has to be infuriating).

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  7. Meh. I voted as I saw fit. I support my gay and lesbian friends and family members. A person's religion or sexual preference does not determine my friendship for them. The reason why I am a conservative is that it is stated quite clearly in the beginning..."all men are created equal." I just hate that someone has to put into place more law defining what I already know to be true. Since we women have the root word of men in our sex description I figure we are just as equal and entitled to all that the root of the is entitled. Not going to go on and rant here because that would take up enough space for a blog post in and of itself. However, it never ceases to surprise me to find that some narrow mind out there has to interpret something written over 200 years ago as being literal to mean only the male sex.

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    1. And you should vote as you see fit, my love! You should should should. I wish there were more people like you who were conservative about a lot of things and don't have time to entertain some of the more social-nonsense. (And even though I'm not one of them I really, really think that there are a lot of people who WOULD vote republican if they just stopped it with the unequal nonsense).

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  8. Oh. No. She. Didn't.

    Seriously, I would have cut that bitch if I'd been in the same room with her. Ok, well, maybe not literally cut her, but I'd be very vocal in what I think about her beliefs. There would be cursing.

    The other day one of my cousins posted some garbage on Facebook about how being gay is a choice and the only reason people remain gay is because they're weak-minded. I hit that unfriend button so fast I don't think he knew what hit him. He's welcome to his (WRONG) beliefs, but I don't know want to hear about them.

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    1. Oh, though it pains me to use my powers for evil it took me all of a nano-second to decide to in that case.. My word.

      Oh and I detest that logic, it's so disgusting... The only POSSIBLE way to know that homosexuality is something that can be 'overcome' is if you have overcome it personally. (And in my humble opinion, it never works for people even when they try... cough cough ted haggard cough).

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    2. CoughCough, Michelle Bachman's husband.

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  9. Yay for my grandma and the rest of my Ohio kin!! Well done!!! :)

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  10. I'm assuming most of the US reads your blog so I will use this post to say "Good job America"

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  11. my republican husband's fb status:"This was a winnable election. Hopefully, the republican can learn that being the party of old, white people isn't a viable long term strategy. Also,debating birth control and degrees of rape is not a winning strategy. Abortion, Gay Marriage and immigration are losing issues. Focus on economic freedom and liberty and you'll win."

    it seems he agrees with you....

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    1. I heart your husband so hard sometimes.

      In total agreement - there are people who have been on my newsfeed the last couple of days who are DUMBFOUNDED that they didn't win. It really boils down to, with all this social nonsense (as your husband so eloquently put it) you're making ZERO room for moderate or fiscal republicans in favor of religious zealots. I bet there are a lot of people who would really love to vote for the republican party if it were just up to money but CAN'T. Cannot.

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  12. I so didnt want to vote yesterday. I dont much like either candidate. I dont like the way Obama is spending money we don't have and I don't like how he largely ignored the Libya situation and other corrupt members of his administration (Fast and Furious, anyone?). I don't like Romney because of the social reforms he claimed he wanted to put in place and his tendency to flip flop on just about everything.

    I have historically voted Republican. Yesterday, I decided to give Obama and the Dems another chance. But if they can't turn this whole thing around and get some real change going in the next four years I'm done with them for a while.

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    1. Awesome that you voted even if you weren't stoked about it!

      My Dad voted Republican when it was about how they dealt with money (come to think of it I know a lot of people like this) and then when it started to get a little... weird.. they couldn't vote there any more.

      I'm soooo hoping the Dems can do some stuff in the next 4 years that will keep your vote - and if not that the Republican party will take a hard look at the kind of people they want in office and you'll have someone over there worth voting for! (and someone that won't scare me as much).

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  13. Sooooo many things to be happy about!

    1. I wish I could have witnessed the FB argument (oh all right, and thrown in my two pennies worth)

    2. So, are there any states allowing gay polygamous marriages? If so, I am there with my rainbow veil my LA ladywife.

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    1. 1. OMG it was awful.. it turned into 125 comments on a status. (I quit when he started asking me about abortions.. sorry Bud, I can't.)

      2. Hahaha shall we start pushing for everyone to be allowed a husband AND a wife? It seems like that would come in some serious, serious handy.

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  14. I totally agree with you. I know one man who wrote about how disappointed he was that "over half the country insists on endorsing immorality" I'm sorry, I don't see the connection. (His wife has also written about how she believes that even one piece bathing suits are immoral so I just keep my mouth shut and recognize a losing battle when I see it).
    I live in a I-don't-know-why-I-bother-voting-because-my-state-is-ALWAYS-red state, so you are like a breath of fresh air :o) Thanks!

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    1. Holy Gawd - I am in AWE of what that must be like. (Virginia always went red when I voted there - but it was at least gaining some liberal traction and now apparently goes BLUE).

      Yeah, I'm really sick of hearing about how I embrace immorality (immorality to me is denying someone their rights based on my own personal judgment), and being a free loader (nope, I get nothing from the government - I give).

      But where you're wrong is that one piece bathing suits ARE immoral. Harlot.

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  15. I have been trying to comment for DAYS, and the website kept crashing every time I tried.I blame Mittens. How is it that you end up saying EXACTLY what I want to say, only better and more hilariously? I heart you more than Paul Ryan hearts his P-90X porn.

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    1. Ummm, because we're soulmates and we should really be reconsidering this whole hetero-marriage thing?

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  16. I love you!! :-)
    Go America! Go Jenny!
    I'm so happy with my state, Ohio - we did good. Could be better, but not bad. :-)

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    1. SO proud of Ohio... that must have felt awesome to be a liberal Ohioan. I cried - cried! - in 2008 when VA was what clinched it and when Ohio turned that's when everybody went apeshit.

      Go Lisa, Go! Holding down the fort for my ute in Ohio.

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  17. I adore you, this blog, and your political views. If possible, and not subject to losing my job, I would read your blog all day, every day.

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