Friday, October 11, 2013

Today.

I can't even...

I mean...

WHAT JUST HAPPENED!!!!!!

My words are not going to be very writerly today, but I'm going to write it all out because I want it here for when someone is searching.

First of all, let me say I was running LOW on hope.  I mean, as close to empty as I could possibly go and still be able to put clothes on in the morning and impersonate a functioning human being.  I've been like that for about a year.  Don't get me wrong - in the 4 years we've been trying to conceive, I got low on hope fairly early in the game.  (Well, definitely not early it was probably a year after torture, but now it just seems that way by comparison). In the last year, I have reached this whooooole other level that I didn't know existed where you're just.. as close to being empty as you can be without being a pod person.

I was a centimeter - a centimeter - away from just thinking that nothing good will happen for me.  I'm not religious in any way shape or form, I'm one of those liberal spiritual types though. I have always liked to think that there's some universal force, or good, or something, that even when it has to do bad shit to you doesn't enjoy it, and will eventually throw in some good. And that part of me just went dead.

I am a goofy funny person (funny people tend to be very dark) and I was still awake enough to realize I would seriously start to infect the people that love me if I didn't make an effort to stay goofy and positive, so I have.  And don't get me wrong - moments of sheer optimism!  But for the most part, it was something I was doing to impersonate an earlier version of myself so as not to alarm anybody, and because everyone should have hope in their life as long as they can possibly have it and I didn't want to beat anybody over the head with my discovery that hope was a myth.

And I've always been so grateful for other areas of my life - my husband is kickass, I have some fantastic friends and family, and a bunch of little things that all add up to me having it a lot sweeter than a lot of people. It's just this one area of my life where I felt like whatever universal force there was was chasing me around, whispering "If I just make this one thing go completely dark and punch you at every turn, I can make even the lightest things in your life go dim".

When they called Sunday to say ZERO had fertilized and that the remaining six eggs that were less mature had a less than 5% chance (mind you, this was IVF WITH the special chemical that was the only help of solving this) I felt that last little bit start to go dead.  Funeral was to be held Monday. Begged and pleaded with the universe and asked you to do the same for me (and you did, you did!).  Didn't think anything would come of it, and that's why Monday morning when they said two DID fertilize, I wept from happiness for the first time in my life.

Even less likely that they would keep growing, that they would make it to blast, I have basically been in a panic attack for the last five days trying to remain hopeful (and starting to tilt my head and squint at the power of good juju) while trying to prepare myself for when they told me none of them made it.

By this morning, I was a complete wreck.  I conked myself out last night (yay drugs!) but my stomach was apparently creating it's own superpower adrenaline and nauseousness, and I was worried when they said 'zero' despite my best efforts I would crumble and throw things. Everything on me was shaking.

When they called me back, there's Nurse Angelface standing right behind the door patients go in (across the office from where she usually is) smiling.  She says "I have good news for you". (She later told me she raaaaan down the hallway when she got the lab report).

I went into shock and kind of said "YOU DO!?!?!" and then she quickly shoved me into Dr. Kickass' office and handed him a paper.  Bub and I are now plopped down in chairs.

Dr. Kickass fumbles with glasses a second, looks at paper, and says "Oh my God". Then nurse Angel says they are both blastocysts, and not only that but they're Grade A.

Ummmm.. WHAT?!?!?!

So glad I had already gone to the bathroom because I probably would have peed my pants.

I started crying, Bub started laughing, I declared my crying gross which thankfully stopped the crying.

Of the late-late-late (two days!) bloomers, one of them has pooped out, the other is still mysteriously chugging around.  (Are you kidding me?)

I do not remember undressing, getting an ultrasound to check on my post-ER progress (apparently they just had to push hard on my stomach to get to my tricky hidden ovary for it's eggs - which I'm so glad they did! - so that's probably why I'm still sore).  I do remember thanking the Doctor and giggling at Marc and unable to decide who to text first.

Afterwards we went into the little nurses' nook where Angelface works and ended up laughing and having lemoncake with them for a half hour. (Icing is now on my leggings). Nurse said honestly, a miracle - and they were so excited when the report came in they whooped and she went running.


I know I'm not pregnant (YET!) and this is just getting a couple of blasts.. But holy shit me, are you KIDDING ME?  I get a CHANCE? WHO has heard of one cycle going from ZERO fertilizing to having two, perfect blasts?

My point is whatever little but very crucial part of me started to completely and utterly die this last weekend was slowly, tentatively reviving all week and now it's awake.  And I'm smiling. And there's no part of me that thinks bad HAS to happen and that miracles DON'T.  If you knew what kind of hardcore cynic I am you would know that that in itself is a miracle - you all had so much to do with that I'm going to be forever, and ever, and ever grateful. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have so many people thinking happy thoughts and lighting candles and cheering me on.  Some weird kind of magic happened that I wasn't expecting and I didn't think I deserved, and now I have a really good shot because of it.

The proper words to you fail me.

I have nothing but love right now.

And what a couple of unbelievable ASSKICKERS these two are!  BOOM!  Heisenberg and La Bamba kicking ass, taking names and making history!!!


Off for a big celebratory lunch with Mr. T!

Love, love, love you people.  Oh so much.

44 comments:

  1. OH, MY, GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so freaking happy for you that I almost started crying as I read this. Go Heisenberg and La Bamba!!!! Now, what about that third one they're watching???

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  2. Yeaaaaaaah!!!! Kicking serious ass those, two! I love it!!!! :-)

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  3. Crying tears of joy for you here and will continue to light candles and sacrifice goats until notified otherwise (when you're good and pregnant!)

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  4. All anyone needs is a chance. So happy about your kickass blasts!!!

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  5. I am so happy for you I am crying. You give me so much hope I truly hope you know that. Praying for you and those two little kickasses!!

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  6. Celebrate your asses off!!! That's great news!!! Gives me hope that our next IVF cycle will work. We had 8 great looking embryos to start, two were implanted and the 6 didn't survive for freezing and the two didn't implant. I was reading this post and praying that everything worked out, didn't realized I was crying by the time I read the positive news. Sending good vibes to Heisenberg and La Bamba. KICKASS!!!

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  7. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSS!! YES! YES! YES! A thousand times yes! So happy for you, Stork! Can't wait for the FET. So does this mean that LB and H-berg are now snuggly away in cryo land? Awesome! So much to celebrate...just really happy for you and sending more tap dances from across the 405!!!!!!

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  8. AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

    AGHGAAGAGHHHAGGGGGHHHHH!

    yesyesyesyesyes. this is so so good. i laughcried when you said they were grade A. disbelief. joy and disbelief. amazing, woman.

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  9. Holy shit! I'm crying at work...thanks. I can't believe it! This is the most amazing event! Can't wait to hear what happens next!

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  10. Holy shit! I'm crying at work...thanks. I can't believe it! This is the most amazing event! Can't wait to hear what happens next!

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  11. YAYAYAYAYAYAY! I did a jig around my kitchen when I read your tweet this morning because YAY! SO AMAZING! Wait, I have to say it again... YAYYYYYYYYY!

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  12. What an amazing update! So thrilled! Continued prayers!

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  13. So so super amazing! I don't want to jinx anything, but it all seems so meant to be.

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  14. I don't often cry over blog posts, but this honestly has me tearing up. And smiling so hard it hurts. Just think of the amazing "this is how you came to be" story you'll have for your kids. :)

    This weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving, so I'm going to say an extra thank you (and eat an extra piece of pumpkin pie) on your behalf.

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  15. Such fantastic news... continuing to hope for you!

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  16. Smiling so much reading this!!!! I'm so happy for you. I knew this was going to work for you, and it is going to work. You've got some true fighters here!!! Just amazing!!!!

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  17. I have no words...except well, ROCK on embies...And I can't stop smiling!!! SO happy for you!

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  18. YAYYYYYYYY!!!!! Omg I am so so so relieved to hear this; what a fantastic story. I feel like these blasts deserve some kind of biopic on the big screen, with voiceovers by Morgan Freeman and Helen Mirren. I'm in love with those little clusters of cells already because they showed up late to the party and then ROCKED the pants off everyone. Man, so great... you deserve a big celebration!

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  19. AAAMMMMMMAAAAAZZZZZIIIIINNNNGGG!! So awesome!

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  20. Love, love, LOVE this post!!!! Praise God!!!!! Keep the good news coming!

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  21. Fantastic! I was so worried, since it's been my own personal experience that not everything makes it to blast. For you to freeze both of those babies is definitely out of the ordinary and super super exciting!

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  22. Wonderful wonderful news! I am just so thrilled for you!

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  23. I'm so happy for you! I started tearing up as I read your post and my husband made fun of me for crying over someone on the internet, but I'm just so excited for you!

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  24. So happy for you! So glad to hear this!

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  25. That's so freaking awesome!!!!! I know how it feels to just want a chance up to bat. And you got yours lady. Hope those two little blasts result in your take home baby. Sending positive thoughts!

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  26. Yay! I really hope you get pregnant so you can prove to us all that it only takes one or two good ones!

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  27. I'm so happy that you have this chance. So when next month are you doing your transfer? I'll be doing my two embryo transfer mid November.

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  28. Oh wow oh wow.....like I said, I haven't been good about commenting, but I check my phone every morning for an update from you, because WOW, this story is amazing. And I love the "meant to be" feel to it. These could be Your Twins. Oh I am so happy for you. It's nice to see and feel your happiness and shock and amazement oozing out of this post. Keeping my fingers crossed for the transfer!

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  29. this is wonderful news! It's great when there is hope and happiness on the way forward.

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  30. Fingers crossed for you! Also, I don't know if you do this sort of thing (and I'm totally not offended if you don't) - but I wanted to let you know I've nominated you for a "Sunshine Award." Thanks for doing what you do! http://eliscorner.wordpress.com/2013/10/12/sunshine-award/

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  31. I've re-read this entry about five times already. First, I think your description of loss of faith is gut-wrenchingly dead on. But the good part is seeing you have hope — and hope for good reason. Earned hope....Is that a thing? I think it's a thing. Past blind trust, there's earned hope, and it's good.

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  32. I am so happy for you and Bub and these ass-kicking embryos. It really does feel meant to be.

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  33. AHHHH! I know I'm late to the party, but YAY!

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  34. EEEEEKKKK this is so exciting!!! Come on blasts...keep on chuggin'!

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  35. Sending positive thoughts and prayers!!!! <3 xoxo

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  36. Are you keeping us hanging much longer? What's going on?

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  38. I'm in the middle of my stim shots and spend most days obsessing about "what if...?" What if I get 10 or 20 or 5 million eggs? What if they don't fertilize? What if they get freezer burn? So, like you, I turned to the internet looking for success stories to soothe my burning injection sites and I stumbled across your blog. Thank you a million times for a much needed belly laugh and a shining example of hope.

    I'm so cheering you on and am eager to hear more good news! One day my husband looked at me and said "You're like the little uterus that could." Sure I'll go for that. I get the same vibe from your writing. You just keep moving forward no matter what and it's going to pay off! I just know it!

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  39. Never lose hope!!!! Spontaneity is part of creativity! Hoping all goes well with those two lil blasts!
    Rosita Arvigo, a healer of Maya technique, shares her wisdom with us on Maya Abdominal Massage and its incredible ability to heal infertility, prolapse and other internal organ issues.
    I hope you and all those experiencing infertility can gain some inspiration and hope through this!
    Inform yourself here!

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