Friday, November 15, 2013

Frozen: The Potion of Despair

Happy Friday, my ferocious Follicle Farmers.

As it has been awhile, a brief synopsis of what has happened in case you need a refresher.

IVF #2 was in October.  Day after retrieval, Bub and I have zero fertilize.  (In the event that you're new, my favorite albeit possibly least helpful way of explaining our problem is here. And if anyone other than me gets why I titled that post 'Tybalt' I'm pretty sure we're soulmates). Two days after retrieval, MIRACLE surprise knock-me-over-with-a-feather two badass embryos. Since they were late-late bloomers, my lining wasn't ideal for them, so the plan became to freeze them and switch to FET in November if they made it to day 5 blastocysts which was highly unlikely.  And THEN THEY MADE IT.

Everyone remember in Princess Bride, when Wesley is retelling being captured on a ship... and every freaking day his captor says 'Good night, Wesley, I'll most likely kill you in the morning'.  That whole week was like THAT. 'Good night, Stork, sweet dreams - most likely they'll be dead in the morning.'

At any rate, on the 25th La Bamba and Heisenberg are being transferred.  I can't be sure as like most infertiles I avoid children's movies like the plague, but judging by the movie posters I'm fairly certain my story has been optioned and set to be released the same week as my Transfer.

Oh hey, so you're wondering what you should be thankful about for Thanksgiving?  Here goes: THAT YOU'RE NOT MY HUSBAND.

I realize it has been quiet over here in Storktown but that's only because of my very real, and very slow descent into hormonal madness.

Okay fine - so I normally dress like Helena Bonham Carter and what comes out of my mouth is usually a heavy dose of sarcasm, HOWEVER... I am really quite nice and positive and my experience with the ledge usually revolves around talking people away from it not approaching it my damn self. In short: I am a robot. Typically speaking, though I really truly understand the reasoning behind tears or being coocoo (because I have the same reasons)... When I see outwardly, hugely emotional people my first NANO second response before hugging is usually side eye because that whole feeling-things-fully doesn't come easy to me.


I have previously 'lucked out' in the hormone department - I don't seem to have had the 'usual' response to anything side effect wise, and so I've happily lived as the woman who could give you hope that you wouldn't either.  With Clomid, all it did was make me euphoric when I took it, and then after a painful O would be a teensy bit more sensitive than usual.  With all the IVF shots - no, not my favorite but really they just gave me a shit ton of energy and an ability to eat all the things.

In case you're keeping score, after LB & H get put back in on the 25th and I begin the PIO shots (which I anticipate not being fun, don't worry) I will have gotten the full tour, the full tilt boogie tour, of infertility drugs.  Just all of them.  All of them... All of them. Prior to this month, I would have been the prime candidate for you, before you start a new treatment, to calm you in full confidence with 'okay it's not fun, but it's not that bad'.


Lupron, which I have been on for 3 weeks as of today, is devil juice.  DEVIL JUICE.

Surely you've read or at least seen all the Harry Potter's - if not I don't even have time to address your psychological issues in one post as I can barely handle mine.  At one point, Dumbledore and Harry go adventuring into a crazy ass cave, and Dumbledore has to continuously drink some seriously poison shit out of a bowl and he says to Harry beforehand, 'no matter what happens, no matter how crazy I get - you have to keep spoon feeding it to me'.

As further proof that you should absolutely re-read these books every few years because you learn something new everytime, this is potion is CLEARLY Lupron, Dumbledore is CLEARLY trying to get pregnant and Harry is CLEARLY the unwitting partner who's a little disenchanted he can't just jizz somewhere and call it a day.

Moral of the story, as I have always suspected based on his prescription glasses and scar that he claims is from a dog bite: my husband is Harry Potter and thanks to drugs I can now grow a beard like Dumbledore.

Day one and day two, I breezed through with a slight headache and the general high of doing something that felt pro-active.

Then my brain froze. Generally speaking in my life when I've been depressed it's been 'about' something. This was about nothing.  My emotional dick went limp, all my happy thoughts went bye-bye, Tinkerbell died and I couldn't wait to see her fall to the ground so I could squish her because basically she's a glorified bug.

For two weeks, clean clothes seemed far less important and I started to resemble some sort of living blanket. Curious of all curiosities, Bub can in one second be my favorite person in the world who I want to weep over with love to seeming like an unwanted debt collector spritzed in onions and shit perfume.  I reached my 30s without having any acne experience, and now I look like a 13 year old boy who has been sleeping facedown in pizza grease and chronically masturbating (yes, ladies and gentleman, the rumors are true - I am Sasha Fierce).

The transformation was slow and thorough. Optimistic and determined - bitch who's just biding time - multiple personalities -DEATH INCARNATE.



Thankfully, I got to start taking estrogen last week so I am... better.

My brain has started to produce it's usual insane curiosities (like - do doll people and bronies hate each other? Discuss) so I'm taking that as a sign of thaw. My shenanigans shall slowly return.

Initially my transfer was going to be around the 20-22, but as of this morning it is set for the 25th.   On the downside, that's a few extra days of Lupron not to mention this month has gone by at a snails pace.

On the bigger upside, it'll put extra days between cigarettes and embryos (refer to Girl Interrupted picture) and it'll give me one extra weekend for me and Mr. T to greet my husband, like so, at the door everyday regarding shit that has to be done in this house pre-baby.

I whine to exorcise it a bit and because you are my troops.  I am, however, above all things super grateful and super excited and would do this 10,000 more times if it would give me a shot.

But my husband is a fucking saint.


  1. Yes, lupron is devil juice. I honesly have not even figured out WHY they give it to you, to supress you cycle and then start progesterone.

    There is the natural way to let you ovulate by yourself, and then start progesterone, and maybe HCG too (RMA-nj is doing a trial on this), and then transfer. If they came to me with a lupron injection, they'd better have a bloody good reason for it, or I'd totally go purple minion on thier asses.

    Anyhow, best of luck for the transfer!! I just saw yet another twin pregnancy end in unthinkable disaster at 20 weeks, so I'm going to say this: I hope they are only transfering only one of them.

  2. Only 10 more days of devil juice-- you can do it Jenny! So sorry that it's been so difficult, but glad to know that soon you'll be PUPO! Wishing you lots of good things and glad that the estrogen is taking the edge off the Lupron. Sorry that you're having to do it, but know that your little frozen ones are singing their theme song to remind you that you CAN do this. Sending hugs or chocolate or whatever makes this a teensy bit less awful.

  3. Btw, a little googling got me the answer: if you have a normal, well defined menstrual cycle, the only reason why they make you take lupron (do a medicated FET instead of a 'natural' one) is to make scheduling easier from thier end.

    Doctors (even the well meaning, competent ones) rarely ever put themselves in the shoes of a patient, apparently. This makes me kinda mad.

  4. Yes, I know people who have done natural FETs but you have to have a cycle that's like Swiss clockwork and most people don't. I'm pretty sure the Stork doesn't.
    As horrible as Lupron is, I find it preferable than potentially screwing up the timing (for all involved) because it would also likely increase the expense. There's so much they CAN'T control so let's control what we CAN.

    Anyway, I'm am beyond excited for STORKLETS. :-)

  5. Yay!!! Almost there! So happy
    For you :) just wait for the PIO-I'm still feeling the burn :/

  6. I absolutely hate Lupron and everything else, from BCP to Progesterone, they all make me nuts, my estrogen goes up to 9,000!!!! Estrogen dominant to the max, and yes, poor hubby but mainly poor us!! I would too, doing a million times for another chance. This is your time Stork, can't wait for the days to fly by! And one more time, you are HILARIOUS!!!

  7. You just made me even more thankful I went to an RE who didn't believe in Lupron. I didn't realize how lucky I was. The stuff sounds evil.
    So glad you updated us. I have been thinking about you and wondering when your transfer is happening. So excited for you. I have a good feeling about this.

  8. I am so sorry the last few weeks have been miserable for you, but I am glad you are back because you are freaking awesome and I have missed your posts. I am very happy you get to have this chance with the the miracle embryos.

  9. OMFG, I am dying... this line "unwanted debt collector spritzed in onions and shit perfume" has me AND DH in stitches.

    I can't stop laughing... sorry... but, forrealz, I'm sorry you are stuck on the devil juice for a while longer... All good wishes!

  10. Can a girl get an update? Is the 25th the for realz gonna happen transfer or have they moved the starting line again? Cheering for you from this side of the US!

  11. I feel like an ass for laughing at your misery, but dammit, that Harry Potter analogy almost had me peeing myself!

    Sending you lots of happy happy HAPPY thoughts in these last few days before the big transfer and dusting off my pom-poms for the 25th. :)

  12. I've been following your blog for a while now, but have finally decided to stop being a creeper and comment on the blogs I love and follow. Thank you for sharing your journey and for being so freaking funny! I'm thinking good thoughts for you!

  13. 5 days darling....5 more days!!!!! Holy shit balls!!!

  14. First off, your husband really is a saint. And Secondly, you are too. I firmly believe it sucks for our men to have to deal with our regular hormonal crazy, but dealing with infertility-drug-induced crazy raises them to sainthood. BUT we must give credit to ourselves for actually feeling the emotional and physical crazy as well. So you, my love, are a saint as well. Send me crazy texts anytime. Love you and can't wait for our matching pregnant bellies!

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  16. You are a kick! I am new to the land of "sad woman forums" and was so pleased when I stumbled across your blog. The Dave & Cat egg and sperm stuff from your Tybalt post had me cracking up! I will definitely be visiting frequently when I need some comic relief from this crazy journey! Thanks for writing! Wishing the best for you! KinderCoaster

  17. Checking in on the house of Stork before tomorrow's big day... will be thinking of you and sending good vibes!