Friday, October 4, 2013

Tybalt.

Stork and Bub are married.

Stork and Bub are wildly compatible people, the only shocking difference is volume level.  He is very introverted, and I am.... Not.

At last years IVF we discovered our eggs & sperm basically have the same dynamic.

I don't really ovulate, but with good drugs my eggs come out ginormous.  Bub's sperm have no problem getting to the egg, but get overwhelmed and decide not to tell the egg it's there in the first place.

So to recap, my eggs come out all sassy, shimmying and jazzhanding their way through our Petrie Dish in a parade of glitter and feathers.  Bub's supermodel sperm gets invited to the party, but upon arrival decides eggs are weird. Decides that eggs are too horrifying to even alert of his arrival, freezes, and then lays still and quiet so the egg won't even know he's there.

Still don't get it?  Okay here's a reenactment of what happened, with the role of my eccentric egg being played by Dave Chappelle as Prince, and the role of sperm being played by cats.


You're welcome.

So here we are, 15 months later, and in 13 hours I'm gonna be sedated and have my eggs retrieved.  

I'm super excited about that part, seeing as how it's the one day where the IVF drugs are going to be FUN.  

Useless IVF (or any fertility treatment involving injections) tip:  DO NOT READ THE HELPFUL INSERT FOR ANY INJECTABLE.

No seriously, don't even glance at it.  If your eye so much as passes over it in a half ass manner, horrible words will pop out.  Just horrible, horrible ne'er to be explained properly words about what the fuck is in that shit to begin with. Two second glance over and this is what it looks like:


Again, you're welcome. And screw you my handwriting is wonderful enjoy the free art.  I'm explaining some very scientific shit left, right and center today.

I shit you not, Bub informed me that the trigger I shot up last night contained something called CHO - as in Chinese Hamster Ovary. You just let that sink in.

(Source.)

So tomorrow is the egg retrieval.  They're going to add the secret spice to make Marc's cats talk to my Prince, hopefully, and then we will know how many fertilized on Sunday.  Considering last time it was 1 out of 10, I'm very nervous about Sunday more so than anything.  

We have to leave here at 5:30 in the morning tomorrow (weeee!) so the plan for tonight is to bulk up on Fajitas (that's protein, right?) and watch "The End".  

By sheer convenient coincidence, this movie does contain one scene which is relevant to the House of Stork climate.  I give you, Jonah Hill's interpretation of any given infertile woman once she starts progesterone suppositories, as I will be doing soon:


I am feeling lucky (I get to do IVF when I need it, after all).  I am feeling unlucky (I need IVF, after all).  I am feeling nervous, I am feeling excited, I am feeling the need for fajitas.

If I have ever made you laugh or think or pause or smirk or you have any warm and fuzzies towards me whatsoever, please think a happy thought for me during the next couple of days.  Pretty pretty please. 






26 comments:

  1. I can absolutely relate to being terrifyingly loud and married to a quiet man. Maybe you should play soothing music for his sperm and see if they're set at ease by the gentle strum of a guitar. Too bad sperm can't be given a little liquid courage.

    Sending hope and positivity!

    ReplyDelete
  2. GOOD LUCK! I am so excited for you! Will be thinking about you!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lots of positive hopeful thoughts for you!

    Yeah... I've done my fair share of nun pee and Chinese hamster ovaries. And when pregnant I get to shoot up with the mucous harvested from pig intestines. Never read the inserts... ever.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You have made me laugh a lot, so in turn I will be thinking of you a lot. :) You'll do great! These next few weeks are the hardest, the waiting and such, but you will be a Mom someday and this will seem like a blip in time.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You are going to do awesome tomorrow. Thinking all kinds of amazing, positive thoughts for you!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Love your translation of the injectable insert. Will remember that advice! Good luck this weekend.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Feh. I had a beautiful, poetic, tear-jerker of a comment prepared and Blogger ate it. And now I'm too tipsy on wine to remember what I said.

    I've got my pom-poms out and I'm ready to cheer on the gametes. Go team!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Good luck! I hope the fajitas are amazing! Sending good thoughts your way for a million eggs and cooperative sperm!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Good luck! I hope the fajitas are amazing! Sending good thoughts your way for a million eggs and cooperative sperm!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm not sure how...but you need to be putting your talent with intelligent, witty, creative humor to use somewhere. I mean really?? Those cats?? That drawing? Your analogy? Oh wow oh wow.

    Maybe you just need to put it to use making your kids laugh. I will be cheering you on and sending tons of warm cuddly cat thoughts (with Prince??) to your boisterous eggs. Good luck x 300.

    ReplyDelete
  11. lol...the hormones are MADE in Chinese hamster ovary (CHO) cells, but they are pretty thoroughly purified and are cell-free. Better than the alternative, which are hormones purified from other women's pee :)

    And IVF can also make for some funny times...I apparently asked the same question 10 times after I woke up, and kept forgetting I had just asked it. Excellent way to annoy my brother, who had to keep answering it :)

    Best of luck!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. AUGH! That list clip will haunt me. *shudder* ANYway, I hope you had an awesome retrieval this morning and am looking forward to good news tomorrow.

    ReplyDelete
  13. good luck!! we're thinking of you and looking forward to good news! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Happy thoughts coming your way! Hoping for some good news tomorrow...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Good luck!!! Love the Dave Chappell cat reference. Love that man. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow!!!!! Sweet dreams tomorrow!!! I wonder what you will say when you come out of egg retrieval....we say crazy things you know. I told the nurse that I was seriously in love with Obama... Hearts all around you tomorrow ❤❤❤

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hopefully it's not too late to send lots of sexy get-it-on vibes in my best Barry White voice (which is not very good) to your eggs and Bub's sperm. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I just want to know how long it took to find a picture of a hamster in a Chinese take out box. No, really.

    Also, much sexy Prince karma is headed your way.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Been thinking about you all day. And most of last night while I was up working. Hoping and praying and crossing everything possible for good news for you! HUGS lady...you always make me smile!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thinking super happy thoughts and crossing my fingers, toes and eyes that you get great news on Sunday.

    ReplyDelete
  20. The prince and the cats pretty much made my night. Thank you! Thinking of you and hoping for some super good results and lots of cats meeting lots of princes!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hoping you get a few for the freezer this time around.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Much luck - and those gifs are fantastic...

    ReplyDelete
  23. Sending so many positive fertilization thoughts your way! Can't wait to hear how it went!

    ReplyDelete