Monday, October 7, 2013

Holiest of Holy Shits.

Umm, I love you people.

I fucking love you people.

Yesterday morning when the Doctor called and said "none", I immediately went dead inside.  Just dead.  Lights out in Storktown. Here we are at IVF, here we are at super snazzy challenging IVF, here we are still screwed. I know people have it worse, I do.  There are some women who I marvel at on a DAILY basis all the shit they've gone through (you are probably reading this).  But four years, ninety gajillion dollars, heartbreak and the exhausting attempt to keep my optimism later, and not an embryo (or really, a hope of future embryos) was too much.  I went dead.

Every couple of hours I'd look at my phone, and there would be a new comment on my post from yesterday, a tweet, a picture of a candle lit for me (which slayed me), a text, a message on Facebook, and I would WEEP.  I know weeping is normally considered bad, but it was the ONE release I had yesterday (better than Vicodin or a cigarette). I have never felt so embraced by the IF community and I've always felt pretty awesomely embraced. I am just so very, very, very thankful for you and for being allowed to be a weird little corner in this community.  It's fucking awesome, humbling, comforting - a big comfy bosom at the ready.

I asked for prayers, happy thoughts, good vibes, candle lightings, a stern mental petition to science and nature, and I got them.  The dead part of me didn't think it would do anything, but it made me feel better, and loved, and not alone.

Then some crazy shit happened, one after the other.

Last night I'm sitting on the couch with Bub trying to convince myself to sleep.  I don't use my phone for music - at all, NEVER (I like my tiny Ipod).  Also, a few weeks ago Bub finally convinced me to put one of those passcode thingamajigs on it to get into it in the first place.  The phone is sitting several feet away from me and I haven't been on it in hours, and it starts playing music.  At first I thought it was the TV with a really weird choice in song - then when we muted the TV, it was clearly coming from my phone.  Took us a few minutes to figure out how to turn it off.

It was playing "I can tell that we are gonna be friends" by the White Stripes.

I don't have any songs on my phone - just ringtones. I DO, however, love that song.  On my Ipod it's on my IVF playlist.  Yeah, I have an IVF playlist.  Just songs that make me happy, make me think of babymaking, make me optimistic.  The White Stripes song is one of my favorites.  Eons ago a spiritual/cooky family member of mine told me 'you're going to have twins one day'.  The last couple of months when I tried to force my mind to be optimistic, I'd listen to that song and think "they're going to get embryos, they're going to stick in two". Again - rare attempts to be optimistic, here, and that song just makes me think of two friendly peas in a pod.

It was absurd - like, really?  My technology has to go all haunted and wonky JUST to torture me? So once we figured out how to turn it off I went to bed.  Done. D-O-N-E.

I barely slept, kept waking up crying or just angry.  You know like when you had a bad break up in high school?  You'd wake up in the middle of the night and for a hot second things would be fine, and then you'd remember life sucked and your stomach would drop through the floor. Like that.  Mixed in with getting lovely messages, and saying out loud to the universe I KNOW my eggs are feistier than this. I was also beyond moved by the hope friends, family, IF people were showing me and was plotting exactly how I would kindly and non-dramatically say "thanks for trying, but..." in the morning.

8 AM Doctor calls - he asks me how I'm doing physically post egg retrieval (since they got twice as many this time, I'm super duper sore but that's the least of my problems).  Two minutes in he says "Well, out of the six we talked about yesterday -" I literally brace myself wanting the zero to be over with - "two of them fertilized normally".

At this point I start screaming and crying.  I say "SHUT UP!  ARE YOU LYING?" at which point Bub hears me from the other room and comes sprinting in, and Luna the lovable moron begins circling and howling. (Thankfully my Doctor thinks I'm funny).

He's a Doctor so apparently he's not supposed to lie.

Yesterday, 11 out of my immediately mature eggs didn't fertilize.  Not one.  He told me the embryologist was going to try with the leftover 6 eggs that had matured since Saturday, but that the chances of even one fertilizing was less than 5%.

Fucking miracle. Miracle, miracle, miracle.

I have never - NEVER - cried from happiness before in my life.  EVER. Seen it in the movies, didn't know it was an actual thing, and I WEPT.  Wept.

Since they're a day behind, my uterine lining is going to be a little too fluffy for them right now.  So they think the best chance is if they survive until Friday, they're going to freeze them, we'll get my lining all synced up with them and do a FET next month.

Stopped crying long enough to tell Bub what was going on who was enormously relieved.  Immediately texted my Mom who had my entire family (all 90 million of them) lighting candles last night (she said miracle: part 1).  Texted Mr. T who was rallying the troops last night and cried with me on the phone today (whose text response is priceless)

.



I am so happy.

I realize that that may seem ludicrous - I've seen women upset that they only got 8 embryos and I have 2. And my 2 are behind where they should be...

But holy shit!  2!  2 is SO MUCH better than 0!  And those two had less than a 5% chance of existing in the first place! Yes they have to survive until Friday (please please please) and then to freeze/thaw, etc... but OMG, for the chance, just for the chance...  And if we have to do this again (I'm hoping not) at least I can say "well, last time out of one batch there was a 33% fertilization rate" which is much more optimistic than 0. If I have to have a round 3, it'll be easier to go into it with some hope now.

I am so happy to have hurdles and hope.  So happy.  

... And this could be them.  This could be them. This could be them, feisty and pissed off and demanding life.  This could be those two I've dreamed about and was told I was going to have.  This could be them. They could right now be deciding if they are going to have my bug eyes.. Last night they could have showed some of Bub's technical genius by somehow communicating via my phone (could they not send a text?).  This could be them.  This could be two little feisty ass kickers who insisted on getting here come hell or high water.  They just have to stay feisty and strong - and I'm feisty and strong, so they have to have that in them, right?

I am overwhelmed with all the love I felt yesterday.  Overwhelmed.  Everyone was so unfuckingbelievably amazing.  I'm so honored and humbled to have you in my life.  (And though there's been countless awesome people, COUNTLESS who have gone above and beyond, a special shout out to my darling Fox who has been sending me silly videos and rallying troops on my behalf for two weeks. Honored to call her a friend).

Please keep thinking, praying, lighting candles, etc.  I'm totally fucking humbled that so many people did this in the first place so it feels weird asking for even more (I want MORE free candy, damnit!) but my gawd, you all have some kind of magic.  

And I would love - LOVE - to be that blog that people accidentally stumble across via google one day.. when they've been given terrible, awful 'it's never going to happen' news, and they want to find someone who's prospects were even bleaker and came out the other side.  I will rock the SHIT out of being that girl - I have had enough with being the horror story that scares people. I was MADE to be the girl that can take someone by the shoulders and say 'oh no, honey, this is GOING to happen for you, I KNOW it will'.

If I do manage to come out the other side (please please this time would be great) I will be sensitive, and wonderful, and without complaint.  I will write (as I do, anyway) mostly about unrelated shenanigans and light the whole fucking street on fire when you need someone to burn a candle.  If I loved you times a million yesterday, I love you times a gajillion today.

I am just... okay this is rambly, but I am just so grateful for you.  So grateful.  And grateful for whatever the hell miracle happened in the last 24 hours that gave me at least a shot. A shot is a SHOT damnit.

I'll end this with my peas in a pod song... For you and for my two.



My darling embryos, please, please, please stick around and give me the chance to be your silly Mom who will inevitably be blasting that song into my uterus for the entire 40 weeks. (Sidenote - I have not named you in your embryo state yet, but I am thinking one of you will possibly and inexplicably be La Bamba.  Just trying to think of another name that is also ass kicking).

Thank you for all the love - please keep praying and thinking happy thoughts and sacrificing goats and lighting candles and whatever else you got.  I will be one happy, happy and appreciative Stork.

48 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness! Im sitting here at work in tears. Miracles do happen! 5% has nothing on the power or positive vibes and prayers and miracles. So unbeleivably happy for you right now!! Keeping the prayers going and praying for you seven different ways to Sunday right now!!

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  2. I've been crying off and on all day for you. My hopes and prayers have thus far been answered. I will continue to hope and pray and wish and dream and cross everything and do what ever it is I can to keep this going. I'm only one in thousands of lives you have already touched.....I'm grateful to call you friend and FOX rocks it. I've read her tweets and retweeted(just figured that out recently) her tweets to send you the love. You are blessed and lucky to have such a wonderful woman in your life. I love this rambling post. It makes me smile. Sending you hugs and love and all that shit....

    PS I love Mr T just a little bit more with those text responses....he is priceless! <3

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  3. Best update ever! So happy for you :)

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  4. !!! Tears of joy over here for you! Amazing, just amazing news! Praying for those 2 embryos!

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  5. So completely thrilled for you, but since we're not out of the woods yet, positive thoughts are still headed your way!

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  6. I was so excited to read that news this morning! I am so so so hoping they keep growing and you have two beautiful embryos to transfer next month. Continuing the positive thoughts and wishing you strength! Best wishes girl!

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  7. Billy goat gruff number two just bought it. Amazing, amazing news. I prayed and hoped, but 5% seemed so remote... But now! Two! Go little embos, go! Yay!!!

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  8. Yes yes yes! As you know...my "only 2 embryos" are currently 3 months old and screaming demanding to be fed! This is it lady! Oh, I have so many good thoughts/prayers coming your way!

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  9. OH my gosh!! Best news EVER!! I am still praying like a bat out of...heaven? I guess I shouldn't mention Hell when referring to God. But AMAZEBALL news today!

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  10. You are so loved and you are not alone. ever.

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  11. Oh my god. Holy fuck, I totally missed this whole saga as it was unfolding but HOLY SHIT THOSE 2 EMBABIES TOTALLY CAME UP FROM BEHIND! If even one of them makes it to an actual baby, that kid will deserve some kind of sainthood status because wow. Just wow. I can't believe you're gonna have to wait through an entire FET now and deal with the stress of freezing/thawing them, but we can totally do this... they FERTILIZED, and they will grow. They will. They have your crazy-ass genes and will give the finger to anyone who says otherwise.

    GO STORK GO!!!

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  12. Crying tears of pure joy. I will absolutely continue to send growing embaby vibes your way. Grow, grow, grow!!

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  13. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS????? Holy shit, woman! It worked! I don't know how on earth it worked, but it worked. And, you know what? It makes sense. These two are the types that are MEANT to be your children, right? Two little feisty ass kickers. On their way.

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  14. Oh Jenny!

    I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to comment, but I absolutely DID pray my hardest for you last night and this morning. I'll keep the prayers going that these two telepathic-music-playing, badass-underdog embryos keep growing; that they freeze like champs on Friday, that they thaw into beautiful Spring blastocysts and implant and grow to be the best-loved twins ever!

    Hugs!

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  15. I've been checking anxiously to see the results and I as I was reading this post, I felt so happy for you that I started tearing up......and I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU! Just know that so many of us out there are thinking about you and thinking about those embryos....just hoping and hoping.

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  16. Oh my goodness! So happy for you.

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  17. I was thinking of you all night. I had visions of you with your twins. But I had this feeling of an embryo breaking in two, meaning identical twins. I can sometimes be weird witch like..haha!!!! I knew knew in my heart you were going to get a good call this morning. I'm so happy for you, and so glad you are getting so much love from this community. We are here for you sister..thick as thieves as my fellow NJ people say!!!

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  18. This is the greatest post and the best news! I am soooooo excited for you and relieved that your embryos have good taste in music because that is a damn good sign! If they were playing Miley Cyrus, I'd be concerned. Wooooo hoooooo!

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  19. Fuck yes!! Come on little guys/gals/one of each, keep growing!

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  20. This is wonderful! So, so happy to see this news! Will continue thinking/praying/hoping/crossing every body part for you and Bub and the 2 awesome embryos!

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  21. I am SO thrilled for you! I was and still am sending all the happy positive thoughts and love your way!

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  22. This is such great news! I am so happy that virgin wasn't sacrificed for nothing.
    Possible hopeful story for you 2 little survivors - of the 3 embryos I transferred, 1 was an egg that matured and was fertilized a day late. I have no way of knowing which 2 stuck, but it is completely possible that one of the babies sleeping next to me right now is a result of that late bloomer egg.
    I will continue to send all the positive energy I can to your little fighters.

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  23. Yes yes yes!! Incredible news...sending tons of good vibes to your little ass kickers and hoping that they'll be uterus-kickers in short order. (And yeah...tears of joy. Cried them the first time myself when we got the news of our one frozen embryo from IVF#1. Totally thought they were like unicorns up until then, but nope. They're a thing.)

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  24. Again, over the moon for you! I got CHILLS reading this!!! I think I even squeed. I am reaking of positive thoughts for those two miracle embabies!

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  25. A-mah-zing! I'm so very happy for you and your miracles! Grow babies grow!

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  26. I love this awesome-sauce news. Also the song choice, the kids already have great taste in music, good job mom & dad. Probably my second favorite White Stripes song and a perfect anthem for your sweet embies. I'm going to keep sending "grow healthy and strong" vibes to those two along with some happy, healthy, baby-growing vibes to your ute :-) I am realistic enough to know that its going to be a long, stressful 4 days but I have a great feeling about the outcome...

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  27. 1. Soooooo happy for you, lady! I'm sending all kinds of happy vibes to your ass-kicking embies.

    2. I'm rrgretting deleting what i originally wrote in my comment to your previous post, which was "fuck stats and probabilities!" (I was given a 5% chance of getting pregnant without IVF, but I managed to beat the odds.) I thought better of posting it because I know that unfounded optimism isnt't terribly helpful at times like that. But apparently those two little eggs somehow got the message anyway. :-)

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  28. See miracles do happen!!! You just have to have Faith! I will continue to pray for you!!

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  29. Holy shit!!!!! Holy Virgin Mary! This is amazing...I don't know what to make of it but I am literally sitting here in tears. I am sooooooo happy that you get two chances!!! If you have a boy you should name him Jesus.

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  30. Absolutely amazing! I don't think it's luck though-I think it's a good thing happening to a good person because they deserve it <3

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  31. This is the update I was hoping for! Way to go fiesty litle kick ass embies!!! Continued prayers for you.

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  32. Wow! That's absolutely amazing! I'm so, so, SO thrilled for you! I love miracle stories- I never grow tired of them. Congrats!

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  33. Google ate 1/2 my comments! What that should say is that I am soooo super excited to read your update and that you are still at the top of my list. I am not sure how the above comment got generated (maybe it is a sign??). :o)

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  34. Great news!!! I will be hoping that they keep growing and developing through Friday for the freeze!!

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  35. AHHH! I was waiting for this update! I couldn't wait to check my blogroll this morning and I have happy tears for you :) I've been rallying the troops for you too :) yayayya!

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  36. Such happy news!!! Keep growing little ass-kicking embies!

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  37. I am SOOOOOOOO happy for you...that is just AWESOME!!

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  38. Thrilled for your little fighters!! Will be praying and hoping they continue their fight through the week!! xoxoxo

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  39. Amazingness, Amazingness, AMAZINGNESS!!! I'm making up words for you and everything. Could not have seen anything better in my feed this morning. Everything is staying crossed... except my legs. They won't do that anymore since one of our "only 3" after a poopy fert rate has currently has me elephant sized. Go embies go! And I'm voting for one to be La and the other to be Bamba.

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  40. That is SO great!!!! I definitely said a prayer for you yesterday. Glad it was answered. And so you know, I only had two fertilize during my last IVF cycle. I was devastated and beyond upset. I literally spent an entire day in tears and cursing life. But my doctor called and told me to keep my spirits up, that it wasn't a deal breaker. And guess what? It wasn't. I'm now almost 8 weeks pregnant with one of the two. So please stay positive and keep the hope alive! Miracles can and do happen! You just took a huge step in the right direction. I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

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  41. So happy that you have two. Hoping that you'll have two to transfer next month. I'll be praying for you and the embabies.

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  42. Amazing, Stork! A miracle, really. I'm so very happy for you and Bub and the two kick-ass embryos that made it, and even sent you a song along the way! Will be sending many more positive thoughts for Friday and then the FET. Keep kicking ass, embryos!

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  43. I cannot get ANY work done today on my dissertation because I keep checking your blog for updates. :)

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  44. Praying like a bad ass over here and hoping with all my energy that your two little ones are growing hard. Will even light a candle if I can find a lighter.

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  45. This morning I had my fert report call and received similar news. Of the 3 retrieved, 2 only matured late yesterday and were ICSI'd. This morning only one appeared to have fertilized... the other two are unchanged. I really, really need a similar miracle to happen for me overnight. This post gives me such hope! I came rushing straight to it after I hung up that call. PLEASE let them fertilize... it is just like my eggs to be a day late and a dollar short... As long as they show up!!

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