Thursday, May 2, 2013

Twitch

This.  Is.  Thursday.

I spent the morning at a Doctor's office who didn't want to see my twat.  (Is it weird that upon entering an eye Doctors office out of habit I undressed and spread eagle immediately?  Somehow he found that weird).  Okay, he might have not seen my nooners but due in equal parts to my dress, static cling and wind, much of Hollywood Blvd did.  Welcome, tourists!

My eye has been consistently twitching for three days now.  No, but seriously - constantly twitching.  In my sleep, even.  In case you missed it I've also had Thriller stuck in my head for going on 8 days.  I haven't quite figured out what the connection is, but there is one.  A few more days and the twitch may evolve into a full blown, out-of-my-control Thriller dance.

So I spent my morning trying to convince him with wild hand gestures and general dramatics that I was clearly suffering some sort of stroke, had a series of undetectable brain tumors and/or that given my brain's choice in musical accompaniment this was the last phase before I'm full on zombie.  He was unmoved.  Something about stress and taking a chill pill in the form of a vitamin.

I purchased a fan as I am at the mercy of an air conditioning repairman who has ordered a part, which, naturally, happens right on the cusp of a heatwave and as there's a giant raging fire east of where I live.  It was the last fan of it's kind, and a woman was about to grab it, but in the vein of Louis CK I gave my best 'I'm taking this fan home, that's what's happening next, you decide if we're going to be on the evening news' look.  Heat makes Stork's plumage and crazy eyes poof out.  I now own a fan.

But look!  A pretty view of Hollywood from the waiting room.


This evening I will be packing whilst watching The Office.  (Yes, I know..... it's been terrible since Steve Carell left.  But if your friend says "I'm about to die a slow, painful death" you do not say "oh, okay, peace out I'd like to remember you as you were".  In the spirit of loyalty you have to watch until the sad, final twitch).

Packing for what, you ask?

Stork is going away with her Mom for the weekend.

My Mom's birthday is May 4th.  My Dad died on her birthday (yes indeed) and it will be ten years ago this Saturday.

If you are in the mood for a wee bit of grief porn, I wrote all about it here.  (You know what I mean by that.. How many times have I watched the sad YouTube videos of women going through IVF with the inevitable Coldplay song on in the background?  Answer:  A million.  Some days it's a good idea to soak in the familiar pain of others, some days it's not.  I'll let you decide what kind of day you're having). 

Suffice it to say my Mom's not a super fan of her birthday anymore.  This year she rented a cabin to get away and announced to me "I can totally go on my own, you know, I'm a big girl".  Right, Mom, I want to be the asshole on Dateline crying and seizing as I explain why I didn't just go with you.

So I am looking forward to a weekend relaxing my eye twitch away with my Mom.  In air conditioning.  Not in 97 degree heat.  I feel sort of bad that Bubba will be stuck here, sweating, taking the dogs out in the heat and enjoying the use of my fan until I get back and rip it from his grubby little hands... but not too bad.  I'm sure he and the animals will enjoy a weekend of being hopped up on pizza and beer and watching space documentaries. 

Wishing you all a loverly weekend free of twitches, unavoidable 80s songs and bad weather.

And PS - check this shit out!  I am just... humbled and honored and definitely buying myself that smoking jacket and monocle.

And PPS - okay so I blogged about that asshat who wrote on huffpo about how awful it was going to be to have twins.  Apparently a dad of twins responded (thank you for pointing it out, S!) My eye already feels less wonky.

And PPSSSSSSS - Okay I blogged some major grievances about my half sister, Summer, who is a pregnant moron.

A recap for new people - I'm adopted, I've met this girl in person once, our relationship is limited to messages and texts. She just left her husband at five months pregnant on account of his not putting ultrasound pictures on his facebook page.  Ahh, mature love.

So now she appears to be on some creepy app whose sole purpose is to find and then casually hook up with strangers.  Like grindr for straight people and with less nipples. Mind you, half of the photos in her 'mom to be' album are all pictures of her boobs (I know what you're thinking.. "oh she must mean accentuated boobs when she's showing off her belly".  NOPE.  Just her boobs) so it's not altogether surprising that these are, in fact, being used as a hook up profile picture.

How do I know all of this, you ask?  Well, every time she looks at the profile of some skeezy guy on this skeezy app, it apparently broadcasts the activity and profile to all her facebook friends including me.  So, for example, on my facebook newsfeed there is a picture of some clown with no teeth and it reads "Summer is checking out the hook up profile of Skeezy McGee".

If there is a gawd in heaven I have to believe this is unbeknownst to her.  So.. do I tell her?  Or is it more polite to pretend like it's not happening? Subquestion... How exactly do I word this without sounding judgmental?  Because that will be a struggle. Also can't fathom how awkward it would be if she in fact knows and doesn't care.

Also, at what point in arranging a random hook up with a random stranger do you slip in that you're five months pregnant and five days separated? Is that covered in baby books?



25 comments:

  1. Oh, that's sad for your mom. Our moms birthdays are close: mine is today, May 2.

    Hope you and she are able to enjoy your weekend away together, despite the sad anniversary.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Replies
    1. You too! NEXT WEEKEND YOU'RE MINE.

      Delete
    2. Can't wait darling! Can't wait to see you and your smokin' jacket!!

      Delete
  3. Hope you have a safe trip and a relaxing weekend. I get a nervous eye twitch sometimes too, it's crazy. I always feel like screaming at it to just stop, but you know, that probably doesn't help things :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't even feel that stressed! I don't think.. Then again I tend to slab jokes on top of things so maybe I need to check my files... But oh dear gawd I would drop kick myself in the face if it would just stop.

      Delete
  4. Sending many thoughts you have a great weekend lovely. I will be sending lots of thoughts to you and your mom on the sad anniversary.

    P.S. You are awesome!!! :) :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you gorgeous!

      PS - YOU I LOVE.

      Delete
  5. Sorry about the eye...that sounds like a plain in the ass I meant eye.

    Have such a wonderful time with your mom. I love get always with my mom. So sad that your dad passed on her birthday. I'm sure its still so hard for your mom to have lost her husband, but also on her birthday...kinda a double whammy!! How does on get over the loss of their husband....your mom sounds like an amazing and strong women. Enjoy yourselves and take lots and lots of pics!!

    Oh and guilty...I stopped watching the office, but now I feel bad, because you are right!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my Mom is the strongest of the strongs...

      Oh, B... It's depressing, it definitely is watching it in it's final sad spasms... But occasionally you get a glimpse of that show that once was...

      Delete
  6. Oh and I just read that article. Wow I loved his rebuttal. Funny when I was telling my husband about this story, I too thought who lives in a one bedroom has a child and then does IVF...what a douche!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right?! I mean it's one thing to make a decision like that when you're still in a one bedroom.. It's another to then go and COMPLAIN about it like it's a big effing surprise..

      Delete
  7. That's just some terrible coincidental timing...I hope you and your mom have an awesome ladies' weekend talking about boys and practicing kissing on your arm. (Did anyone really do that??)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anyone who didn't up the ante and practice kissing on their actual girlfriends is a weiner.

      Fact.

      Delete
    2. Fair point, but I wasn't about to suggest that you do that with your mom. Unless you're into that kind of thing.

      Delete
  8. I wish you and your mom a fabulous get away....Enjoy the weekend...I'll be working but at least it's not 100 degrees here :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hope this weekend goes splendidly and kudos to you and your blog street cred!!!! Love it ;)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Congrats on being "Fertility Authority’s Blog of the Week". I've been reading your blogs for month and totally relate to your no BS language. Hence...how I can only imagine the difficulty in discussing the 1/2 sis situation without being judgmental. Maybe just fain ignorance/happiness on this (I know...its a lowly route to go). But just say "Oh..I see on FB that you are dating Sleezy McGee, how'd you two meet?" Then she'd at least know it's getting posted :o)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Eek! No wonder your eye is twitching! I really feel for you guys being in that heat! And yikes about your half sister! That's totally ridiculous! I think my eye is starting to twitch!
    I hope you have a nice getaway with your mom. That's so nice that you'll be there with her on a tough day. Stay cool and enjoy.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I hope that you have a lovely weekend with your mom. Losing your spouse on your birthday has got to be awful.

    As far as your sister, WHOA. I guess I would make a joke out of it somehow. You are a sarcastic lady and I really think that someone should tell her!

    Thanks for getting Thriller stuck in my head.... :-/

    ReplyDelete
  13. I hope you and your mom have a great weekend together. I'm sure there will be tears shed, but I'm equally sure, knowing you, that there will be lots of smiles and laughter over shared memories.

    I don't even know what to say about your sister. I just...I don't...words fail...head wants to explode...

    ReplyDelete
  14. I would not worry too much about that eye twitch, unless you find that you also start jerking your head to one side every few seconds... then, I'd definitely diagnose that as zombie apocalypse, Thriller version.

    Also, I too am going down with the Office ship!! It just keeps getting worse and worse, but I can't quit it... we've been in this for too long now, and it would be morally wrong.

    Um, as to Summer... I don't know, as crazypants as she is, I can't believe she'd be happy about everyone on FB knowing who she was creeping on Grindr-for-straight-people. But then I'm surprised no one else has commented to her about this... surely she will notice or figure it out sometime soon and rejig her settings??

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am going to give Summer the benefit of the doubt and say she doesn't know about her man-hunting being posted on FB. Maybe everyone is too embarrassed to tell her? I am gong with that because the alternative is just so wrong.

    Oh, and if it makes you feel better, I think the worst of the heat wave ends today and we return to not-sweltering this weekend. Let's hope anyway. It's way too early for temps this high.

    Hope you and your mom have a lovely weekend together, despite the sad anniversary.

    ReplyDelete
  16. lol. This totally cracked me up. Thanx

    ReplyDelete