Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The Fears of an Insane Person

You there, Lurker.

Yes you.

I fully support you hiding in the bushes with vaseline and a pair of binoculars. I do.  I dig weird.  But I'm really nice, I promise.  If you're going to be in my bush reading about my bush consider this just me coming out and making sure you're not in need of lemonade or a cookie.

As they say in Beetlejuice - Are you gross in there? Is it all night of the living dead in there? Are you covered in blood and puss?

Or do you, like me, have issues with the functioning of your puss?

REVEAL YOURSELVES.  Let's be friends.

And then you can go scurrying back into the bush from whence you came without a peep from me... for awhile.  I am hella friendly, ya'll.  I can sense you out in the ether.


Let's get full on apeshit out of our minds coocoo for a second and consider that it is possible, possible, that I could be pregnant three months from now.  Possible.  For a moment let's throw out all that blaspheming hopelessness I was feeling on Monday and consider that a possibility.

(Source: Brilliant fucking post you should all read).

First let me say, I will obviously be stoked beyond belief.  (And you should still come hang out with me in the interspace, even ye who lurk, because let's face it more so than a blog about infertility this has been, and will continue to be, mostly the unrelated ramblings of an insane person).  If pregnancy means that I will grow a 40 lb hunchback, start shitting out of my fingertips and grow a full on billy goat beard, I will be stoked about it beyond belief.  Beyond belief.  Not one whine out of me once I hit that 3 month mark.

That being said, I would like to share some of my more ridiculous fears about parenting/pregnancy because again, this blog is mostly the ramblings of a madwoman and if I don't ramble to you... who then?  Innocents on the street?

1. I am not afraid of having an autistic child or the like (Bub has a touch of the ole' aspergers - no relation to asparagus in case you were wondering).  What I am worried about is that I will somehow raise... oh gawd.. an asshole.  

Do not misinterpret - I will love that asshole.  But what if, despite my best efforts, he never tips waitresses, takes 40 items into the express line at the grocery store, and when he's done with a coffee just chucks his freaking cup out of his car window because he believes the apocalypse is imminent anyhow?  What if Bub's brains and my dancing bear charm converge into some supervillain asshole that aspires to marry very old rich women and upon moving in 'forgets' to install the no-slip appliques on the shower floor?

2.  Equally important: Bub's hair grows straight up like a pineapple, and if left up to nature alone, my hair is a giant, curly afro. (Fuck, even after straightening it if someone exhales within a mile of me in a moist enough fashion, my hair will widen to ten times the size of my head).  What if these two things combine and we create a son that looks like the lost member of Kid'n'Play?  Or worse - what if we create a daughter that looks like the lost member of Kid'n'Play?

3.  I have a high pain tolerance, I do.  I have had kidney stones, I have had cysts, I have broken things.  Ask anyone who knows me - much like Gloria from Modern Family if I dislocate my shoulder I will pop it back in myself and continue on with my day.  I, however, am so afraid of natural labor.  And please oh please, do not point me in the direction of a video where a woman in dreads makes sexual noises and releases her child into her home-assembled hot tub.  That just makes me more afraid. I will not be swayed by Ricky Lake's nipples. I pretty much feel like a lone wolf, here, in that I would like to be numb from the ears down.  I can't even fathom Bub being in the room with me as I barely want to be in the room with me.  My feelings on the subject are best expressed by Amy Poehler a-la-baby mama:


But what if that's wrong?  What if as a result of not chewing through my own cord and making everyone homemade placenta shampoo, my kid grows up to own a motel, wear my clothes, stuff my corpse in a corner and continue to have very aggressive conversations with me despite my death?

4. This is completely ridiculous, yes... But I am 7,000 lbs as it is.  What if after pregnancy, I am permanently 14,000 lbs and have to go the rest of my life looking like an eastern European woman who should clearly be professionally competing in the shotpot?

5. I am a person who has vomited maybe 5 times in her entire life (this includes my stint as a baby).  My earliest childhood memory is of going down my plastic slide, vomiting, and then being so frightened by the vomit that I ran to my Mother and made her come explain to me what it is.  I have absolutely no idea what it feels like to vomit.  What if, as a newly pregnant person with no previous experience in sensing an oncoming barf, without warning I just find myself opening my mouth and vomiting all over myself at inopportune times? I open my mouth to order at Chipotle, I vomit.  I open my mouth to thank someone for opening a door, I vomit.  I go on stage to accept an Oscar when they finally recognize stupidity as a category, I vomit. Can you appreciate that I will never be able to go to a restaurant ever?

6.  My house... My house.  I bought a nice house next to an awesome elementary school.  Had it not been for the previous owners decorative choices, we would never have been able to afford a house of this size in this neighborhood.

In short, the 70s were a very important decade to the previous owners.  Carpeted floors, wood on the walls, wallpaper that was made from a clowns nightmare.  We've been here three years and even though we've done a lot, holy gawd is there a lot to do.  I have a room - an entire room I shit you not - that is just boxes of my husbands' inexplicable cords.  If tomorrow the apocalypse comes we won't have any food or water but we will be able to plug in all things everywhere and still have plenty leftover to hang ourselves with (I swear to Christ those cords breed when I'm not looking.. The room looks like a very special techy episode of Hoarders). When/if the time comes, this cord room will become the nursery.

I am not known for my deep interest in manual labor or my incredible coordination in all things domestic.  And holy gawd there's another fear - no fucking way is my kid going to have neat hair (obviously), the best cookies at the bake sale or a wonderfully colorful chore chart.  Will you take a look at the cake I tried to bake Bub for his birthday?!?!?  I am clearly headed for my own cooking show.


But sweet baby Jesus, the house... I am going to go batshit insane trying to get it together in just a few months - gawd help everyone if I go through a typical nesting phase.  I at least love my husband enough to admit that nesting for me is going to be mostly supervisory - me sitting in a chair, looking menacing in my 14,000 lb shotpot body and commanding everyone around me to do things.

I fear everyday when Bub comes home from work he's going to open the door and be greeted by me and Mr. T, like so:


Frankly it's miracle enough he's not greeted like that now and my ute is empty minus a couple of cysts.

Oh gawd.

It's normal, right?  Normal?

Mind you if all of the above is true, I promise promise promise I will still be the happiest shot-potting Catherine O'Hara/Mrs. Bates hybrid the world has ever seen.

I just figure that if (yay hope!) I actually do get pregnant, it's best to get these fears out of the way now... Right?

Love me still.  Please.  I'll bake you one of my pretty cakes.

62 comments:

  1. What, you're not into orgasmic childbirth? ;)

    I worry a lot about your first point, too. I try to remind myself that asshole begets asshole and as long as my partner and I are not that, then there's little risk of the little one being, either. I think you'll be okay too.

    As for its hair - well, given your descriptions, no assurances will be forthcoming.

    Finally, I like this positivity - here's to your three-month prediction coming very undeniably true!

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    1. Hahaha... OMG that whole orgasmic birth thing creeps me right the eff out. I am unbelievably pro-orgasm (I know, I know, I'm so weird) however does that not seem out of place? Like... Having an orgasm as a result of a good sermon or a delightful children's birth.

      Thank you for your honesty in terms of hair. Surely there is a support group available for people like me.

      Thank you lovely! I could use the good vibes.

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  2. Ha! First of all, you're not insane. Many of these are perfectly valid concerns (14,000 pounds for life is one of mine, too). Second, my husband has the exact same cord-hording tendencies. We have boxes and boxes of them in the attic. What are they for? No one knows.

    It's perfectly natural to have these fears, I think between obsessive/neurotic personalities and IF (pretty convinced these things are related somehow), we all just manage to work ourselves up over nothing. Not that 70s decor and natural childbirth is "nothing." But these aren't even necessarily the things you will worry about while pregnant, they're the things you THINK you'll worry about while pregnant. Two totally different animals.

    And I'm sorry for being a former lurker!

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    1. Ha! no apology necessary. I'm all for lurking out of love.

      What is this cord thing?!? I am beyond excited to have admitted something like this and find out that I am not alone... Maybe we've discovered a hidden reason for infertility.

      Omg.. so what am I going to worry about while pregnant? ::gulp::

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  3. I think many of your fears are going to be solved by the simple fact that you will in fact be stoked beyond belief just to finally be having your baby. Every wave of nausea will comfort you that your baby is growing, that your hcg is increasing, that the pregnancy is going well. The drugs during delivery... that's why they exist.. take 'em. And as for the redecorating... I feel confident that you and Mr. T can tear that shit up when the time comes.

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    1. Haha thank you for the vote of confidence! I just need to get Mr. T on a week where he is off his ADHD medication and hopped up on caffeine.

      You're right.. I will be a very, very happy vomiter. I just.. man. I wish there was someway to figure out what that sensation feels like (all I can come up with is experimenting with bulimia which seems ill-advised).

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  4. LOVE LOVE LOVE your writing, as usual. Always makes my morning.

    And I hate people who take 40 things into the express lane at grocery stores. They're the worst. I hope I don't raise a child who does that.

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    1. Thank you gorgeous!

      Yes indeed - huge pet peeve.. I can occasionally forgive when they seem apologetic about this, but usually they just look smug..

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  5. Cords -- and lots of them -- are very important. You underestimate.

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    1. Ha! The funny thing is whenever there is some plug necessity in this house, my tech department - aka Bub - usually claims we don't have the right one. CONSPIRACY.

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  6. The asshole part scares me too. I look down at Reagan and think please tell me you will remember your manners, not be a cheap tipper like your dad and for goodness sakes hang up the damn towels when you are done with them!!!

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    1. YAY! I am glad that this is not my fear alone.. Everytime I see someone doing something slightly douchey I think, 'oh I wish your Mother taught you better'. It occurs to me - holy gawd - what if she tried?!

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  7. I am not a vomiter. I've thrown up twice in the last 20 years. Neither of those times happened when I was pregnant. Sure, I felt nauseous, or repelled by smells (of innocuous things like...soap), but I never threw up. So, it can be done.

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    1. Oh man alive that makes me feel much better. Just on the IVF meds I found myself being repulsed by some smells but definitely not vomitey or nauseous... please let that be the extent of it..

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  8. If it makes you feel any better about the vomiting, not everyone vomits? I was just horribly nauseous and had such wretched heartburn later on that I felt like I was going to throw everything up- but not a vomit was had!

    I think it's normal to have some fears. I worry about how my son is going to turn out, a lot. I hope I can steer him in the right direction, but I know it'll ultimately be up to him. I really hope he doesn't turn out like the teenage assholes across the street. Or nephew that has spent more time in jail than a 22 year old should.

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    1. Oh Jesus.. that is one of my fears. When I did some genetic research I found that there was a whole slew of very charming, very smart con men. I worry I have some dormant criminal gene. :/

      And holy gawd. Apart from my sister-in-law every teenager I've seen the last 10 years makes me want to vomit (or at least stick out my tongue seeing as vomiting is out of my hands).

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  9. All of your fears are valid. Of course they are, because I share many of them!

    Vomiting was a HUGE fear of mine. I just can't handle it. I think I've vomited once in the past 20 years (too much wine) and that was once too many. I've been very lucky and haven't vomited at all during this pregnancy (knock wood). You could very well be one of the lucky ones, too.

    Hair...yeah, well, my kid is just totally screwed in the hair department. We have a very dominant curly hair gene running through my family and there's no way he's going to escape it. He'll probably grow up to look like Sideshow Bob.

    Getting the house ready for a baby...oh, don't even get me started. I'll just refer you to every blog post I've written in the past two months. But the good news is that I'm told babies do just fine sleeping in drawers. So as long as you have a sock drawer, you're good to go.

    (Side note: what is it with men and cords? I swear my husband brings a new cord into the house at least once a week. He bought another new one yesterday and was proudly showing it off to me. "Isn't it cool?" he said. Yeah, honey. That white cord that looks like three hundred other cords you have is super cool. Well done.)

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    1. I vote we get all our husbands together with their various cords and stage an intervention. I thought I was the only one with a shame room full of cords! M would probably correct me here by saying that some are cords, while others are CABLES...it's all the same to me. They do nothing but sit in boxes. If I threw them out tomorrow he'd never know.

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    2. Maybe we need a national 'secretly throwing out cords' day? I'm gonna venture a guess to say that it's been MONTHS since my husband has even set foot in the same room as the precious cords.

      And HA! Jenny! Sideshow Bob! ME TOO. I will inevitably produce a child who will be very easy to spot out in a crowd.

      I HAVE NO SOCK DRAWER. Oh good Lord...

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  10. De-lurking here, just to say I'm more of a hidden CCTV camera and Pure Silk girl than binoculars are vasiline. ;)

    Also, to thank you for linking to that incredible post. It blew my ever loving mind.

    Finally, all your fears are valid, as are all your non-fears. I'm just gojng to validate the shit out of this whole post--and my extension--you.

    Thanks for writing. You brighten many a sullen, middle school student filled day.

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    1. Yay! Hellloooooo, lurker!

      That post is amazeballs, USA. I hope that writer continues to write.

      Thank you for the lovely compliment! And holy gawd middle school teacher... BRAVEST. LADY. EVER.

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  11. First let me hug you until your hair straightens.....then sit and chat my dear....you are not alone. These are all perfectly normal and understandable fears. Hell, I have a kid and I worry that she'll be a bully or worse yet one who is bullied. As for hair, I predict your child be they a he or a she, will have ramrod straight hair, and all your worries about Kid n Play will be for naught. Otherwise just shave the kid's head and invest in wigs. Pain? Yeah, your birthing experience is yours and yours alone. I was totally on board with Amy's "WHOO HOO!" when asked in that scene who was going to poison their child with an epidural. I had one and have absolutely zero regrets. I too have had kidney stones, 9.5mm (equivalent of a 15 pound baby with a 17 inch head, or so I was told) and I had no qualms what so ever about getting that epidural. However, if natural is what you want, then by all means go for it. I've heard wonderful things about hypnobabies just to deal with the anxiety of pregnancy, not to mention the benefits when labor finally happens. I'll be here to hold your hand no matter what you decide!! 14K lbs? Yeah read my last written post...you'll see how I feel about that...and I'm nearly 100K today..at least that's how I feel (of course 90% is in my boobs at 40K each). If you are lucky you won't even get a stretch mark, but if you're like me and you gain weight after delivery and have ugly stretch marks, you'll do your best. Your child will matter and you'll take care of yourself for that reason alone :) Vomit happens....I'll be there to hold your hair back on every ocassion if you want me to. Be warned tho, I'm a sympathetic vomiter so once you're done I might need you to return the favor :) Here's hoping you'll be super lucky and it won't be something you have to be concerned with for your entire pregnancy. As for nesting...I never finished nesting. My daughter's room is still incomplete with essential pieces of furniture sitting in the garage unfinished. Remember, the kid will be with you for a while in the beginning anyways, so worry about the room when you have time...so like when the kid goes off to college :)

    Seriously, just having these fears proves you're already thinking of your child's future. You're going to be an amazing mom someday, somehow. And I can't wait for that to happen. So get the fears out, but know it's perfectly normal...

    PS I want some of that cake...who cares what it looks like, I'm absolutely positive it tastes heavenly!

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    1. You I adore. Adore.

      I have been told by my birthmom that I will get stretch marks that will make my body look like a road map. Most unfortunate. :/ And if my boobs grow at all I will have to start ordering special handmade bras(by the way I'm slightly convinced that you and I are somehow related).

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  12. Haha....on the lurker department. I sometimes fear I've been found :/).

    Okay let's talk about these fears. It's completely normal to feel all you are feeling. I still fear some things. I don't think it will ever go away, even years after they're born. If your child has crazy hair, all the more power to him...I think wild hair is sweet, especially on a child. The vomiting I was really worried about that one too, I never was a vomiter before. But you do have some warning before it happens....and if it happens in a crowd, act like a crazy drunk homeless lady just for shits and giggles. Most of time when I did throw up and it was only a couple was right after I ate cereal, so it was sweet and not acidic....tmi, sorry. Don't worry about the house or the nesting either, things will get done when they get done. That's been my mantra....since on bed rest and I can't do a thing...the hubs is not the cleanest of people and he doesn't really clean.....so serenity now my sister. The weight thing....yeah it's hard and it sucks, but in the long run it is worth every penny. Don't worry about it you just tell them you want the California special....and tummy tuck after your c-section...haha

    You and Bub are going to have an amazing child maybe even twins...😜 and most importantly you are both going to be amazing parents. I know it, and I think you know it too. I'm so stoked for you this coming IVF. Now get me that cake!!!!!!!!!

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    1. Ha! I have heeaaaard of this California special. I am not above having them take everything afterwards and lifting the shit out of it. Lift. That. Shit.

      I have occasionally spotted a child with cray-cray hair and thought to myself oh for crying out loud that is too cute. I am slightly comforted by this possibility.

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  13. Awesome. And thanks so much for sharing that post about depression. Very very cool!

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  14. Hahaha, this was very funny. I think we all have these kind of fears; just keep the sense of humour and it will be OK.

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    1. I'm hoping that if that's all it takes is a bit of humor I'll be okay... Hoping hoping hoping. :/

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  15. Throw some bacon in that cake and you have a MASTERPIECE!

    Seriously, worrying is the mark of the makings of a SuperMommy. There is no POSSIBLE way that you'll end up with a douchebag child. Not with your sense of humor!

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    1. Thank you for the vote of confidence! I think maybe I'll be okay if I produce an asshole of the 'says inappropriate things' variety.. provided he stills open doors and says please & thank you...

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  16. I, also, have vomited very few times in my life. Despite my nausea, I actually have vomited relatively few times while pregnant. I mean considering what it could have been. Let me tell you, you know when it's coming. You may not have a whole lot of warning but you know. thankfully, this only happened to me while I was at home and didn't have to gross anyone out in public.
    I am also super afraid of having out-of-control asshole kids. Mostly because we have spent so much time sneering at other people's asshole kids and how we would be so much better. We feel fate is going to punish us.
    Being pregnant is the only time you can guilt-free have your husband do EVERYTHING for you. I felt guilty about this before, but I have learned to embrace it. Last night when he got into bed I told him I was hungry so he got back up and made me a snack. What isn't awesome about that? My nursery will be assembled by others while I point and give my opinion. By the time I get back from my trip, I will be in no shape to do any manual labor. So sit on your 14,000 pound ass and enjoy it. After all this bullshit, you deserve it, sister.

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    1. YAY! I feel a little less awful knowing that other people's roles are also supervisory.. I just see some of the things that people do that look like a spread out of Better Homes & Gardens and think 'you gotta be shitting me with this'. And Pinterest just begets a neverending shame spiral.

      And OMG... Can I call your husband to make me a snack when I get hungry?

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  17. Bahaha! Lost child of Kid n' Play!

    I am so happy to see someone else is annoyed by all the cords! What is the fascination with all of the random cords with men?? I thought it was bad we have a full rubbermaid bin full of them, but you are making me feel better now. Phew! I am still on a mission to make our entire household wireless, but I guarantee he'll want to keep back-up cords just in case we ever need them again. Soooo ridiconculous.

    On a more serious note: I read the post you linked to @Hyperbole and a Half and you are right...brilliant. Thank you for sharing that.

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    1. I have NO idea what this fascination with cords is.. NONE. I will take your rubbermaid bin, I will take it! I have a room that is just multiple giant rubbermaid bins full of cords and plugs and things no one will ever use. My husband is like a techy bag lady.

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  18. I also have all of these fears, and then some. However, I think you have a leg up on me in that you still seem to unquestionably want to have kids despite all of them. I sometimes get to a point where I wonder if it will be worth it, which almost feels like sacrilege in the infertility community. Am I allowed to doubt whether I want to be a mom occasionally while still going through IVF? I feel some blog post inspiration coming on.

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    1. Ooooh interesting question... You should definitely, definitely write about that.

      I do unquestionably want the kids... I just have to wonder at this point if the kids want me. :/

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  19. I love you still, I think you're F'ing hilarious! And, I don't have these exact fears, but believe me, I live in contact irrational fear about all sorts of things, so you are not alone! Now, I'm going back to lurking in your bushes.

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    1. thank you gorgeous! You know I love it when you're in my bush.

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    2. LOL! This just made my day much better than it was. I'm definitely just going to hang out right here for a few.

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  20. LOL! Your writing cracks me up! I think your fears are normal, lady. I feared all the same and much more (and unfortunately lived through some of them--cue straight vomiting ON someone when they opened the door at the train station).

    There's absolutely no way you can have an asshole child--you're going to be one awesome mama!

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    1. Thank you lady!

      And WHAT. I need to hear the train station story. Need.

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  21. I'm not a lurker, but I too have some of the same fears. I have so far been able to stay the same weight through the first 12 weeks of pregnancy but fear that I am going to get huge and stay huge (when I am already overweight).

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    1. I'm thinking maybe, seeing as I already have a little pudge, that maybe I will be free of the gaining weight torment to some degree? Maybe? (Probably not).

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  22. Chronic lurker, braving it to say, totally normal.
    1. Agreed. My worst fear is a republican that's hard core into the military. What would I do??? Dinner conversation would have to revolve around the weather (oh wait, that's out too...global warming)
    2. Lol. We're using donor sperm. And for some reason we always imagine our pretend child(ren) as a boy. We picked out our donor and were going on and on and about how cute future (boy) peanut was going to be (yay hope!) and then paused...oh, shit, what if it's a girl? If our dreams come true poor thing is going to be built like a football player with a head full of unruly hair!
    6. You bake cakes! Best mom ever. Doesn't matter if they look a little crazy. As we were eating cupcakes for dinner the other night (as we sometimes do), we though, what kid wouldn't want to come live here!?! And then we thought that sounded a little creepy.

    This is what happens when you get the introverts talking. We can't shut up :) I'm up for a summer IVF as well (July-ish). Fingers crossed for both of us. I'll be following along.

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    1. Helloooooo there lurker!

      1. YES. I fear a hardcore republican. I don't see how that can happen but I see that it happens...

      2. I'm fairly confident I'll end up with a girl seeing as I would have little to no idea what to do with them. (It would seem most of my lady-lady friends end up with boys, and my broad-friends end up with girls).

      Fingers crossed for you too lovely!

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  23. Okay, I'm coming out of the bushes and introducing myself :).

    I think lots of us worry about how our kids will turn out. Heck, I'm not even pregnant (damn evil ovaries), have no actual children at this time, and I'm already worrying too.

    As far as the vomiting thing, I am so with you. I hate it worse than just about anything else. For a long time I'd forgotten how it felt, but I had food poisoning and pretty much tripled my life-time total all in that one single episode. Even when I feel nauseous and know I'd feel better if I just threw up already, heaven help me, I will sit absolutely still just willing away the inevitable as long as possible. Hope that you are one of the ones that doesn't get the morning sickness!

    Your cake actually looks delicious. And if the frosting starts pulling up crumbs, well, it's just an excuse to use more frosting or put ice cream on top ;).

    Much good luck for your upcoming IVF.

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    1. Greetings, lurker! I have temporarily coaxed you out of my bush! ::jazz hands::

      I hooooope I am in the no-sickies department seeing as how I clearly suck at nausea in the first place. I can't even begin to imagine how one cleans it up when they've done it on themselves or other.

      Thank you gorgeous!

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  24. Lurker! Hello! I promise I don't have any Vaseline to hand

    1) I think mainly people who DON'T worry about that get the asshole kids who - for example - dump all the kiddush wine ON THE FLOOR AT SYNAGOGUE. (I'm looking at you, rabbi's kid.) Though I'm also afraid of having a gun-toting Republican.

    2) Heck if I know. Lots of hair product?

    3) Epidural. Amazing. And I say this as someone whose first kid was born in a tub with a bunch of hippie midwives. Also, dry socket? WAAAY worse than childbirth, if you ask me.

    My house just got made over by some awesome house-cleaning friends (it's about to go on the market) and I just told them to do whatever the fuck they wanted and not ask me. Glorious feeling.

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    1. Greetings, lurker! And another Jenny no less!

      1. YES. Big irrational fear. I am worried I will somehow inexplicably create a child who fears people who aren't like them.

      2. Oh dear.. Hair product will certainly be an option if they get Bub's genes, I, however, am allergic to EVERYTHING. Say flower or chemical to me and I will erupt in hives.

      3. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! I somehow feel much better hearing that from someone who did the tub thing.

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  25. You are hilarious. And wonderful. And I'm glad to hear other people's husbands have room-filling wire collections. And weigh 7000lbs. Though I did chew through the umbilical cord. It was delicious.

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    1. Well thaaaank you! Come put your head to my breast.

      And I spit out coffee when I read that last bit. (I have weak teeth.. chewing through my own cord would take a solid two hours).

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  26. Lurker saying hi! I'm too tired to be witty. Make something up for me. ;)

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    1. HELLOOOOOO, LURKER!!!!!! A hearty swat to your behind.

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  27. I am feeling hopeful for you :-)
    Your fears are very normal, I promise! I have plenty of them myself. I actually want my boy to have my curly hair hehe. :-) I fear that I will be a less-than-stellar parent -- or that I will be a great parent, and my child will still be a hellraiser or hate me. LOL. Oh, and if you get to be 14,000 lbs, you'll still be beautiful. :-)

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    1. Lisa you are so sweet it kills me.

      You will be a fantastic mama it is literally impossible for you to create any form of asshole.

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  28. First visit, so technically not a lurker, but I don't understand how I could've missed this fantastic writing style you have! So, I will "come out" now as a future lurker.

    Oh and LOVE the Hyperbole blog...is her book out yet????

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  29. OK, I'll delurk. We've actually spoken (via email) before. I'm IVFing it over here in DC and think about you and Bub as I drive through Silver Spring, which is quite often. I didn't blog, and then shit got too hard, so I started a blog. I think I've had 7 page views, and I think they're all mine.

    As many people say, you're hilarious and addicting and I wish I could blog like you. The irreverent yet at the same time serious style is addicting. [Side note: Oh my God, I just used dictionary dot com to look up irreverent (does it really mean disrespectful? I was kind of thinking it meant more effervescent than disrespectful) just to make sure that I was using it correctly, and their definition (in part) of irreverent is "manifesting or characterized by irreverence" and their definition of irreverence is "the quality of being irreverent." How is that helpful?]. Bloggers like you make blogging hard for the rest of us mere mortals.

    In any case, I completely agree. As much as I want to get pregnant, be pregnant, and be a mom, I don't so much want to give birth. I do not have a high pain tolerance. I do not want this experience. As anathema as this sounds, I kind of want a scheduled C-section. Yeah, it'll hurt for a while after, but during I'll be numb, no tearing or eyes and hands up in my bush, and everything will be planned. I mean, I wouldn't say that out loud or anything, but I'm just saying.

    So, in reference to raising an asshole with crazy hair. Hubs and I are probably going down a donor something (or perhaps both--man this has been a fun "journey") so theoretically we can account for this. We're totally going for a tall donor with good hair.

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  30. Totally late to the game lurker here--I just found your blog, so I've been reading through your posts and laughing my ass off. I just wanted to say that

    1.) True lurkers do not take their vaseline to the bushes but rather sleep with a glove fulla vaseline a la Curley in Of Mice and Men, and

    2.) OMG on the room full of cords! I really thought only my husband was the one with that problem. And he isn't even a professional techie, just an amateur techie on the side (although I will say if I was bitching about being bored in a post-apocalyptic world where every Best Buy had been bombed out, he could make me a TV out of some toast and a box of tin foil. He's that good). I have tried to casually pull out one or two of the more wonky looking cords now and then and slip them into the trash, but he'll find them and say, "What are you doing?? Do you know how much this is worth? If our internet/wireless/electricity/life's blood shorts out, we are going NEED THIS." And he huffily take his precious cords out of the trash and puts them back into the rat's nest of Very Important Cords We Must Keep Forever.

    All of your fears sound totally understandable, and I've had many of them myself. I also think it's great that you are staying hopeful. I'm excited to hear how your IVF goes this summer.

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