Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Look out I'm gonna Blow...

Happy Tuesday, Tiddlywinks.

I am spending my week writing from home, and at the mercy of a AC repairman to fix my central air.  This is all the more needed after this morning, because I'm fairly certain in the last 20 minutes my brain has caught fire, and the heat is radiating off of my head and into the house.

I admit that I am slow with the internet acronyms so I must have completely missed the official announcement,  however, immediately following the National Infertility Awareness Week, it is apparently the Week of People Who Shouldn't Be Parents.

This morning I looked at my new online carnival known as Twitter (I'm @StupidStork ya'll, let's be friends!) and saw the retweet of an article on Huffington Post.  I love me the Huffington Post!  That is one of my everyday online rotations seeing as how yes, I like to know what serious issues are going on in the world at large but I also like to be up to date on whether Amanda Bynes has been committed yet.  You can, like, totally tell that I love the Huffington Post because I even refer to it as the Huff Po.  So, you know, there's your proof.

So I clicked on the article, read, and my brain exploded.  I almost don't want to share this with you considering that since I read it, there is so much kinetic energy built up in my fists that they will not be satisfied until they quite literally hunt down this man and make contact with his balls.

So, you know, read keeping that warning in mind.  It is the ramblings of a man whose wife is pregnant with twins, and he is now furious.

When I was 14, I was in a room with my biological maternal grandmother for the first time.  I would later learn that my grandmother was 'strange' and just 'knew things' (she predicted, quite accurately, the very strange last name of my husband a year before I met him).  She put my face in her hands and said "You are going to end up with twins someday... do you feel that?"

When I met my husband we pretty much instantly got serious with one another (completely out of character for me) and moved in with each other two weeks after we first met.  When we started having the future-marriage-baby conversations, he definitely wanted kids, but he always pictured just having one because he'd be gunshy about a second pregnancy.  I kind of wanted two.  So began the ongoing musing that somehow we'd end up with twins.

A few weeks ago, at our summit with Dr. Kickass to plan the upcoming IVF 2.0 with hopefully good fertilization as a result of science fiction, I as usual went into robot mode.  I shoved aside the offered box of tissues, looked him straight in the eye and said "I'd be super stoked if we can get some embryos to freeze.  I'll be happy this time if we can accomplish just that.  But if you get two, we're putting in two".

I understand that there are risks involved with carrying twins, that having two newborns somehow doesn't double the trouble but multiplies it exponentially.  I would be elated to get pregnant with one, I promise. Elated.  I will, however, after 3+ years of fertility treatments, an endless sea of BFNs and one early miscarriage, also be elated if I end up with sci-fi twins.



Let me just say in regards to the honesty in that article... I am all about people saying the things that most people wouldn't say out loud.

Probably the quickest way to earn my respect and admiration is brutal honesty and a total lack of bull shit.  Don't confuse that with being unkind - I'm just talking about saying what you actually feel.  When a person does this, usually I end up immediately falling in love with them because a lack of bull shit and a surplus of bravery are my green m&ms, my aphrodisiac dujour. Brutal honesty will usually result in my desperately wanting to know you and be your friend.

There are those times, however, where someone says something terrible.  I still respect them for it, because this ends up letting me know, from the get go, that they're a douchebag without my having to accidentally stumble across that information when I'm more invested.  (Example:  "I'm against the gays!  Abomination, I say!" "THANK YOU.  You have now saved me from wasting my time, asshat".)

So in a weird way, even though brain is now oozing out of my ears and I'm gonna need a dartboard with his face on it, I can respect the fact that he said exactly what he was feeling, in a public forum.  That takes balls, even though those balls need a good punching.

BUT C'MON.

Now granted, I take up just a little corner of the internet and everyday I discover new blogs and stories that open me up to a new side of IF land.. But please, tell me, has anyone else heard of an unwanted IVF pregnancy??

This couple had a son, and wanted to have a sibling for that son.  So two years of IUIs and heartbreak later, they resigned themselves to IVF, and decided to put in two embryos to 'stack the deck'.  They were hoping for a baby girl, instead ended up with twin boys and his response was to be extremely disappointed and angry.

And I quote, "As horrible as this might sound, we found ourselves wishing these twins away."  They are, and I quote, "...counting down -- not like expecting parents but like cancer patients with only months to live."  He charmingly refers to his first born son as 'the free one' and to one of his expected twins as the 'extra one'.

I am not underestimating the amount of panic that goes through a person when they discover they're having twins.  I get it.  If I'm lucky enough to get two embryos to put in, and if I'm lucky enough for those two embryos to both stick, I will still when I hear the news have moments if not days where I think "how the fuck am I going to do this??"

If he were just some guy whose wife accidentally got pregnant and was panicking about having twins, I would be irritated for sure but would probably limit that irritation to rolling my eyes and mumbling "fucking fertiles" to myself.  I have long ago given up on expecting most fertiles to really, truly understand how painful creating a family is for some people.

But how the hell does a person, at the end of a two year road of infertility, end up with such a total lack of gratitude?  How the hell do you not only end up with such a lack of gratitude, but end up smugly patting yourself on the back for coming up with charming, passive aggressive ways to refer to your unborn children? How the hell do you pay money to put two embryos in, and then whine about it harder than those twins are ever going to whine?

Honestly, this guy shouldn't be the one that's panicking.  His fucking children-to-be should be panicking.  He's complaining about how they are going to be the worst thing that's ever happened and they're not even born yet.

And what I would really love to know is what his wife thinks of his little essay.  I would really love to know how it feels to have gone through two years of fertility treatments full of pain and torture, to be transforming your body into that of a warrior woman to carry and give birth to those babies, and have the man  be openly complaining about what a disaster this is going to be for him.

I have no idea if this woman thinks he's clever and accurate, and aides in patting his back.  I have no idea if this woman is currently curled up in a ball in her one bedroom apartment, hurt beyond my wildest dreams and humiliated.  In either event, if I were this woman's friend, I would feel the immediate need to point a few things out to him:
  1. Not to minimize the emotional pain of a man going through infertility, but emotions aside let's get some perspective, here.  This woman has gone through 2 years of hormones, injections, weight gain/loss, cramps, and all around body failings.  You jizzed in a cup.
  2. You may not understand that, but you were able to comprehend the 400,000 times you're asked if you want to put two in, right?
  3. No fucking way did your buddy from college in reference to his twins say "Think of the worst thing you can imagine. That was what it was like".  Unless, of course, the two of you both attended Douchbags Who Should Be Sterilized University.
  4. I love that you say you've "privately admitted you don't like the new children". You just said it on HuffPo, asshat, and I sincerely hope you're having a third party pen the baby book.
  5. Please explain to me, Uncle Tom, about how after years of being infertile you somehow end up spouting out such unbelievably self involved horse shit worse than I've heard from any fertile?
  6. I love that the only point to posting this article, as far as I can see, is to have people tell you that it 'isn't going to suck'.  There's no possible way to feel bad for you, just for the babies.  It is going to suck for them.
I do not feel bad for you if both babies come out whining with the needs of newborns (the audacity!) I feel bad for your wife for having to deal with a whining grown man (so much worse than colic because you use words... public words.).  Absolutely unfair for a newborn to expect to be loved and cared for, totally reasonable for a grown man to expect the public at large to soothe him about getting something a lot of us would kill for.

It's like playing the lotto in hopes that you get 400 million dollars and then whining to the internet when you win 399.  You're panicked about how it's not exactly what you were hoping for, panicked about what you're going to do with it in your first year?  My gawd, can't wait to see the Lifetime movie based on your woes.  Give those kids, colic and all, to a woman whose been torturing herself for years to achieve what you've been cursed with.  Not one complaint out of her lips, guaranteed.

What really gets me is that last week was National Infertility Awareness Week.  Everybody blogged about it (including me!), people bravely came out on Facebook.. there were more articles, memes, blogposts, status updates, etc., on the subject than I've ever seen.  Truly inspiring.

We try so hard to explain to fertiles how difficult a process this is, how heartbreaking it is, and to especially help them understand this is the unselfish task of warriors, a task that most probably couldn't handle.  And especially with IVF, there's a lot of octomom, 'starving children in the world', misunderstood stigma bullshit.

Best case scenario, there is only one ignorant and smug fertile who is going to read this article and think to themselves 'yup, always knew IVF should be banned because this is what ends up happening'. Or worse, "yup, infertility is just gawds way of making sure certain people can't procreate".

And we so rarely, in this community, get to hear from men.  It's such a treat when we get to.  And this is the jackass talking about it on Huffington Post.

Please alert me when an infertility article is written on HuffPo by a man, and not by one of this poor womans four children.

51 comments:

  1. Oh man...I SHOULD NOT have read that article. I was already feeling rage-y, but that just sent me over the edge into hide-the-knives-edness.

    I agree with everything you said in response and I think you should send it in to HuffPo for publication.

    Now excuse me while I go find a wall to punch...

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    1. Ha! INFURIATING.

      I would so love someone to write a response to this... Something equally angry and creative as that psychotic sorority girl letter going around.

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    2. Off topic. . . I just heard that sorority girl email read aloud by Michael Shannon on funny or die this morning. It was the first I'd heard of it. It was hilarious.

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    3. It KILLS ME. I'm seriously plotting how to turn it into my husband's ringer so he answers the phone faster..

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    4. I learned my new favorite term from that letter: "cunt punt". Also, I think you DID just write a response to the letter! Send this post to Huff!

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  2. I have only this to say: what a fucking wanker.

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  3. AMEN. Did the guy go through infertility treatments spending thousands (or tens of thousands) of dollars hoping that they didn't work? I hope that his wife punches him in the nuts on the regular.

    UGH.UGH.UGH.UGH.

    You should definitely send this to HuffPo as a response!!

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    1. Ha! I should write a letter in response.. Someone should. Just a few things on why it's going to suck for those KIDS more than it's going to suck for him.

      UGH indeed. It's been HOURS and I'm still furious.

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  4. I have a lesbian couple who just had twins two weeks ago. They went through four IUI's and one ivf. The ivf worked and they were prego with twinkies. The non gestational mom was ecstatic, the other mom was pissed. She didn't want twins. I kept saying two is better than 0 right ??? (As I sat accross her empty handed) I just don't get it! I wish a real woman stricken with cancer who can't have kids would kick that man in his gonads and take the twins off his hands......

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    1. Right?! My Father died from cancer and I asssuuure you that a person with a few months to live is full of gratitude about the things that they have. FULL of gratitude, less whiney, and that's about a genuinely awful situation that they DIDN'T sign up for.

      This guy... I mean. I get panicking - panic! Have fears. Have fears that it's going to be hard. But holy shit me.. the smugness, the ungratefulness.. It's nauseating.

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    2. Your "two is better than zero" argument is the reason we did a two-blastocyst transfer with our IVF. We had the same thought process.

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  5. I so want to go up to their house, ring the doorbell as I'm squatting down and punch the guy in the nuts saying "you know why" and then run off... can't remember the movie where that is from... but that would be hilarious!!

    makes me so mad!!

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    1. OMG we should all form a line... I really hope, I really really hope that somehow his wife writes a response to it.. I mean, even if she's in total agreement I just need to know.

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  6. I'll read the article late,maybe. I do have to say though that some folks with the available resources to do these procedures shouldn't be so stupid when they work too well! Seriously the man didn't know when he started this process what could happen? I'm sure somewhere in those stack of consent forms were a few warnings. If he didn't use PGD how can he get cranky for not getting the gender he wanted? We all know that PGD is used for more than just genetic markers by some folks that do want to choose the sex of their child...good for them I say if they are choosing for a good reason and not just because it would make them happier to have a certain gender child. Just my two cents!

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    1. Oh man.. You should read it later if you get a chance. It's beyond panic.

      And they elected to put two in! I mean.. I would *maybe* be more sympathetic if what they were trying was Clomid and they ended up with twins, that would be a shock. But they make you sign 900,000 forms to put two embryos in and half the time you have to help convince the Doctor to do it in the first place. I don't know what they thought they were doing! They put two in!

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  7. Seriously it's. a good thing I'm against guns, because if I had one I would shoot him in the balls. What an ignorant piece of crap. Seriously where was his brain in all of this? He seems somewhat intelligent.....wtf. I feel nothing but disgust for this man, and his wife sounds the same. Seriously if they feel this way then put one up for adoption. Seriously how lucky would one couple be to get one just one. No wonder he published it anonymous, he knew everything he was writing was and is wrong in every way. Pure disgust for this man!!!!!'

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    1. It's just... So smug! Honestly, write about your fears. Write the HELL out of them, I get it. But the whole 'why is this happening to me' and casual mention of how he doesn't like his 'new kids'... YUCK.

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  8. That article makes my skin crawl.

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    1. I can imagine that it would completely gross you out even worse than me... Can you imagine if this was your husband's response? Holy shit me.

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  9. As a mother of 15-month-old twin boys, I clicked through and read the article on HuffPo and felt compelled to share it with my husband. Here is his comment in response (edited to minimize the profanity):

    Ok. That reaction is ridiculous. Some of the quotes made by parents of twins in that article were ridiculous. Worst first year you could imagine? Please. It was hard, but in my opinion seeing their progression was amazing and possibly the greatest experience of my life. I am happy we had our little guys and would not take it back for anything. I have gotten so much joy out of them...that guy is being a coward and a p*ssy. He hasn't even dealt with it yet and is already crying like a little b!tch. F^ck him.

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    1. Here here!

      I mean holy ish... I would've been stoked to read an article about someone's genuine fears, but that was some whiney, ungrateful and SMUG bullshit!

      Maybe they need your husband to write a response? I mean surely a father of twins needs to respond to this...

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    2. And for what it's worth, I agree with my husband. And I am saying that as someone who was NOT initially that excited about having twins (in my case because I feared the potential complications of a twin pregnancy. . . several of which I developed, but that's a story too long for the comments section).

      Is parenting twins more challenging than parenting a single newborn? Undoubtedly yes. Will it be even more challenging for these parents who already have another child? Yes. So yes, genuine fears and reservations and concerns. . . absolutely, having them would be only natural.

      But people can, and do, manage it all the time, and from what I am told, it does get easier and easier the older your children get. And in any event, it's not a tragedy, and there are a lot of upsides. . . not the least of which is that you have one more baby to love. :-)

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    3. YESSS. Yes to all of the above! Twice as hard, twice as lucky.

      It just kills me his implying that when they had genetic testing they were hoping for something to be wrong with one of them.. 'give us a reason' etc. and all this I may have more sympathy for (maybe not a whole lot, but a little) if it wasn't the result of two embryos via IVF! I mean... That's what I'll hopefully get the opportunity to do and I don't see how it's possible to do that without being prepared for this to be an opportunity!

      They seriously need another twin-father to write an open letter response to this...

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    4. It looks like another twin-father has stepped forward and answered your request:

      http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-vienna/why-the-blogger-scared-of_b_3194857.html

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  10. Holy crap! It only I could strangle him with my own bare hands. It makes me so thankful for the twins growing inside of me right now. My husband is elated and not a douchebag like this guy. Thank God!!

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    1. YES. Hug your husband for me. It doesn't surprise me that there are men who think like this, what surprise me is that it's so smug, and open, and like he's trying to sound.. clever. ARGH.

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  11. How absolutely disgusting! I actually started to tear up as I read it (thank you pregnancy hormones)! I feel so incredibly sorry for his children. I just can't believe that someone would EVER feel this way when they worked so hard to conceive! I will join you all in the "punch him in the nuts" line-up! Ugh! I know plenty of people who would gladly take this "problem" off his hands! Un-frickin-believable!

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    1. What kills me is that it's after 2 years of infertility! He's now an active participant in miseducating people about infertiles.. And he is one! Flabbergasted.

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  12. Ugh. I read that earlier. After my initial gut reaction, I started fuming about how now everyone's going to think infertiles are selfish assholes like this guy (and we already have the stigma of being "selfish" because we want children- what a novel idea, right?). Ugh. Ugh. UGH.

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    1. Right? He is a freaking traitor, in my book. Express your fears... He could've expressed the exact same fears without sounding like such an ungrateful asshat.

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  13. I want to punch him in the face. Seriously. I get having fears. I have plenty and I have many times asked myself "how the fuck are we going to do this?". Other than that we haven't been anything but excited and grateful to be having twins. My husband is so excited. I am going to have him read this for sure. Maybe he will write a response. If you don't want twins, don't put in 2 embryos! For fuck's sake. You can't complain when you did everything in your power to produce twins. I feel sorry for those kids. I really can't wrap my head around going through IF treatments and then complaining when it works. So many thoughts right now. I can't even get them out.

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    1. I have NEVER heard of someone going through IF treatments, putting in two embryos and then complaining when it works.. Unfuckingbelievable.

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  14. I can't even with this guy. YOU CHOSE THIS, DICKNOZZLE! You put back two, you knew the risks, you did it anyway, this is ON YOU. What a massive fucktard. And yes, when I get angry I make up strange combinations of curse words.

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    1. Umm... Dicknozzle might be my new favorite thing ever.

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  15. Holy crap!!!! :-(
    And amen sister.

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    1. Holy crap indeed and a holy shit to boot.

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  16. Someone needs to explain to this ignorant, whiney man child fucktard that in a little place called REALITY implanting 2 embryos in a uterus many times leads to, oh, I dunno, 2 KIDS. Gee, fucktard, I'm soooooo sorry your ivf worked too well for you. You need to send this post (or something very close to this) to HuffPo on behalf of the bajillions of couples currently struggling silently or not so silently with IF. Make your words the steel toed boot to his nut sack we all wish we had before he jizzed in a cup and made two completely innocent kids inheret a selfish prick for a dad.

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    1. Right? that's what he wants the internet to do... Apologize for IVF working so well for him. Like it's a sudden revelation that 2 embryos can result in 2 babies, and like he woke up suddenly aware he's in a one bedroom apartment.

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  17. I think the worst part (well probably not the worst but...) is not only is he a douche bag but he is a coward. People could give him props for speaking his mind but not when you do it as Anonymous...Douche bag and a coward. Just what every kid wants in a parent!

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    1. I wonder if he'll ever write anything in regards to how the internet is responding, or if his WIFE will say something.. (though he makes it sound like she'll come to his defense).

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  18. Douche. Bag.

    I want this guys number!

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    1. King of Douche. Feel so bad for his wife.. I can't believe that she agrees with him to the extent he claims she does.

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  19. I think this is a great way to find your blog! LOL, you have every reason to be pissed. I don't even have infertility problems and I'm pissed. I vaguely remember reading the article on Babble but I didn't read the whole thing until today. If had, I would have been just as pissed. Funny, I did a lack luster job of searching for it on the Babble site and can't find it. Anyway, you made a follower out of me, thanks for the honesty and the realistic view you have on this blog. I can't wait to see what else you bring to my attention!

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    1. Ha! Hellloooooo! Welcome, bienvenidos! Might as well be introduced to me when my tits are on fire, might as well...

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  20. OK, that article is disturbing to say the least.

    www.auntmimi2010.blogspot.com

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  21. I'm still disturbed by the content of that article. I ranted to my husband about it. Sometimes I love how my husband can put a little perspective on things. First off he feels the entire article is bullshit. Secondly, he thinks it might be some radical right winger personhood law supporters out there trying to make infertility and IVF "BAD" to the general public, as if we need any help with that stigma. The "dad" (and I use those quotes because I don't believe this asshole should father anything, not even a rat for a pet) did say they considered "reduction" but couldn't bring themselves to do it. I don't know how anyone who has struggled through IF treatments could ever look the gift of a child or 2 as unwanted. It just doesn't make sense. If they were so AGAINST twins, why risk transferring 2 embryos? I was worried I would get twins, and part of me was excited, but part of me was terrified at 3 under 2. Yes the idea of twins is overwhelming, but I've come to follow some fabulous twin moms who have done a great job of it. Even a mom who has a nearly 2 year old and is pregnant with twins. There is support out there, why publish something like this? Why risk having these children know they are unwanted and then read this article and know it's about them because of how unwanted they are? There is also the option of adopting one of both of them out since you know they want a girl and these 2 boys aren't going to give that to them. I can't believe people like this exist....I just don't get it.

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    1. Argh... Amen to all of the above.

      And I would loooooove to think that this was written by some anti-IVF person.. but it's just.. as shitty as it is, it's decent writing and the weirdo "I worked in an abortion clinic and then I had a revelation!" fake articles are usually poorly written. Call me a pessimist I think people are this crazy.

      And what really gets me is where he openly implies that they were hoping that as a result of genetic testing they would 'have a reason' to get rid of one of them. Who hopes to get bad results from genetic testing after IVF? Who does that?!

      Delete
  22. I read this the other day, but couldn't comment from my phone.
    While I do understand putting in more than 1 - recommended if you are of AMA - I am still shocked at this persons article. Shocked. Like wanted to curse and throw my phone when I first read it.

    Our first IVF we put in 1, because we only had 1. No pregnancy.
    Our second IVF we put in 3 and it resulted in a chemical pregnancy.
    Our third IVF was our best one, and the doctor was ok with us putting in the max amount allowed for my age, but in that case it was because only 2 looked good (not excellent).

    The good ones surprisingly BOTH took. My husband is over the moon with happiness. So is our surrogate. I'll admit that I am a little afraid, but that completely comes from concern for our surrogate and for our babies' health. We just had our amnio done and it was horrifying to worry about something being wrong with one or both of them.

    For the life of me I can't understand this douche-nugget even one tiny bit.

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