Stork's School for Teenagers

It is Thursday.

In other news, my husband was almost attacked yesterday by a used prophylactic.

He was outside taking a smoke break (I know, I know) and noticed a used condom on the ground - someone had apparently the night before been so fiercely turned on by the outside of a techy building that they just had to get it on. (I imagine this is also the sort of person that chronically masturbates to Princess Leia in her gold bikini and jizzes in his pants at 11:59 the night before they release a new version of Call of Duty).  As Bub was walking away a sassy gust of wind came along, hurled the condom into the air, and my love narrowly escaped the world's weirdest cum shot without even the benefit of being wined and dined first.

Now, I am 6 days into a 10 day progesterone regimen.  Imagine he had not been spared from this offending baby baggie and arrived home covered in jizz, saying 'honestly babe, I was minding my own business and was attacked by a rogue condom'.  I am a trusting person, but that would give me pause.  I also happen to believe that a progesterone fueled pause leads to punching.

From a few conversations I have had the past couple of weeks - with my lovely sister in law Bubella, reminiscing about high school with a few people, talking with my perpetually 15 year old half sister, and listening to the batshit antics of a friends' younger sister - I have reached the conclusion that I need to run a school for girls. Or at least release a heavy handed pamphlet.

A few guidelines, ye ladies of 90s origin who are braving the frontlines of teendom, from someone who has gone through it and lived to tell the tale.

(source).

1.  Bad Boys

I understand the attraction to bad or otherwise just mean boys, I do.  As I have stated before my husband perpetually looks like he either wants to fuck me or kill me and I am completely turned on by the resulting confusion.  There are few parts of 'bad boy' that are fine - the look by itself is totally doable, the idea that he stands up for himself and doesn't conform is even more doable.  That's about it.

If he drives 90 mph everywhere he goes (what's sexier than my very real impending death!), makes you feel like shit, or behaves as though giving a shit about anything (including you) is conformity - run, don't walk, away.  This is not badass, this is pitiful.  In 20 years he will be prematurely balding, buying himself Taiwanese hookers on craigslist, and living with either his literal mother or some poor woman who reminds him of her.  

If that's not enough to frighten you, another angle:  A man can drive crazily and treat women like shit, or he can have a big penis.  Ne'er the two shall meet.

2.  Bad Girls

I hate to be the one to ruin an ending for anyone, but that girl that is just a rancid bitch to everyone in High School?  She'll probably still be pretty in 20 years, and she'll probably live in a great big house in exactly the same neighborhood that she lives in now, and that house will be filled with beige furniture and beige little children.  

But while we're on the subject of her probable destiny, I can also with a fair amount of certainty assure you that she'll probably hate herself, her life, have absolutely no real girlfriends to speak of (except for that one and they really hate each other), a secret meth problem, an inability to get through a day without a chardonnay IV and her children will be forced to call the prematurely balding man I previously described "Daddy".  

And you will still be weird - only difference there is that there won't be a freaking day that goes by where you don't thank gawd you are. There's no point in stressing out about trying to please or outdo her now, believe me when I say, you've already won.

3.  Older Boys

If you are 16 and you're dating a 20 year old, you may be inclined to feel slightly puffed up about this.  Good for you, snagged an older dude.  This makes you a super hot commodity!

...unfortunately this also makes this guy super fucking creepy.  Having issues understanding why?  Imagine a 16 year old guy trying to motorboat a 12 year old girl.

Even if you're not dating an older dude.. you've suddenly realized that older men are looking at you now.  You've grown some boobs and the newness of taking them out for a spin in a low cut top and feeling a breeze on your half exposed ass, I mean, the attention is intoxicating.

But for chrissakes, I beg of you, don't feed the pervs.  The grown ass men who are paying attention to you are on par with teenage boys paying attention to an elementary schooler in a bikini.  Sure, I could get myself an ego boost from flashing my boobs at a construction site (I could also feel energized from sticking my tongue in a light socket) this does not make it a good idea.

4. Pictures are Forever

I am super grateful that when I was in High School the internet was a new thing, you have my overwhelming sympathy that you are growing up in a time where half of America would probably walk straight into the mouth of a psychotic mountain lion because they were busy checking Facebook on their smartphones.

When I was in 8th grade AOL became a thing.  I had to sit down at a 40,000 lb computer and wait for 5 minutes while it dialed up to connect (dialed up to connect).  There were approximately 3 people on that thing, all of whom wanted to have cybersex with me.  Teenage girls were, are, and will always be the crack to the internet perv.

The pictures you take of yourself with your new boobs poofed out, bending over in front of the mirror making inexplicable fishlips in drag queen make up - that shit is forever.  You know that embarrassing baby picture of you that you hope nobody ever sees?  It's like if I tattooed that on your face.  When you're 30 and some potential employer or some guy you met on EHarmony is looking you up, they're going to find that picture and think "score!  Lookie here!  She was a baby prostitute - I can practically smell the baby powder!"

It. Is. Creepy.

I know what you're thinking - what's wrong with forever getting attention for my sex appeal?!  Here's what's wrong with it:  it's the wrong, creepy kind from the wrong, creepy people.  It's intoxicating to you right now because it's new - much like going on a roller coaster for the first time is intoxicating and new.  However, if you've been on said roller coaster for 20 freaking years in a row, you will probably want to get off, have a good barf and try a different fucking kind of ride.  Posting your sex pictures online is basically the equivalent of nailing your ass into the seat of a roller coaster because you like it right now.

Princess Leia is now 500 years old and you know what people bring up with her the most?  The fucking gold bikini. Which, by the way, is practically a berka by today's standards.  And that shit is from the 70s.

(Source)

5. Pot Smoker vs. Pot Head

I have zero problem with pot, I live in California it's practically in vending machines.  However, as a PSA I would like to explain the very big difference between a pot smoker and a pot head.

A pot smoker is someone who occasionally smokes pot, like one occasionally has a drink or occasionally gets a pedicure.

A pot head is someone who smokes pot everyday, feels absolutely awesome about doing nothing, stares into the abyss and lives in a cat-pee smelling apartment that is entirely furnished in cardboard and old pizza boxes.  This is not cute.

All of the post-25 year old Pot heads I know are basically some version of this:

6. Sexy Sexy Sex
While we're on the subject of things some people wouldn't approve of but I'm okay with, let's talk about sex baby.  I would never in a million years tell a teenager to not have sex - if it feels like the right thing to do at the right time, do it.  (But wear a fucking condom).

I will say that that girl who is trying to uber impress you by telling you she's already slept with 10 guys and has orgasms just from wearing tight jeans is full of shit.  If you're trying to figure out how to have fantastic sex for gawds sake ask questions and try figuring it out with some humility. Porn is useless.  I repeat - if you are a girl, porn as far as an instructional manual is concerned is useless.  Aforementioned full of shit girlfriend has probably gleamed most of her knowledge from said porn, and will probably be 45 and still have no idea where her clitoris is.

So sure, have sex.  But if you're running around asking everyone you meet to bang you on the end like a stubborn ketchup bottle, knock that shit off.  It doesn't lead to hotness it leads to herpes.

7.  Joining Groups
It's completely cliche but for gawds sake be your fucking self.  There will be places that you fit in, groups that you identify with.  I'm still a hippie and a theatre nerd, but buying into any one label entirely - whether it be goth, popular girl, punk, hippie, theatre nerd, roadkill enthusiast - just to buy into a label so you have some platform to judge other people off of... It's no different than hurling on a cheerleading uniform not because you like cheerleading but because you feel like it gives you some exclusivity and the right to be a bitch.  Retain some freaking contradiction and texture, that'll be what makes you interesting.


8.  Teenagedom is a Survivable Condition
It's going to be over soon, a faint memory, I promise.  Shit that seems like a really, really big deal one day you will more than likely never remember 5 years from now.  Promise promise.



Have I missed anything?  I feel better now.

Oh - in case you aren't feeling super old just by reading this post, fun fact:  Kurt Cobain's daughter is now old enough to drink.  #MindBlown