Thursday, May 30, 2013

Stork's School for Teenagers

It is Thursday.

In other news, my husband was almost attacked yesterday by a used prophylactic.

He was outside taking a smoke break (I know, I know) and noticed a used condom on the ground - someone had apparently the night before been so fiercely turned on by the outside of a techy building that they just had to get it on. (I imagine this is also the sort of person that chronically masturbates to Princess Leia in her gold bikini and jizzes in his pants at 11:59 the night before they release a new version of Call of Duty).  As Bub was walking away a sassy gust of wind came along, hurled the condom into the air, and my love narrowly escaped the world's weirdest cum shot without even the benefit of being wined and dined first.

Now, I am 6 days into a 10 day progesterone regimen.  Imagine he had not been spared from this offending baby baggie and arrived home covered in jizz, saying 'honestly babe, I was minding my own business and was attacked by a rogue condom'.  I am a trusting person, but that would give me pause.  I also happen to believe that a progesterone fueled pause leads to punching.

From a few conversations I have had the past couple of weeks - with my lovely sister in law Bubella, reminiscing about high school with a few people, talking with my perpetually 15 year old half sister, and listening to the batshit antics of a friends' younger sister - I have reached the conclusion that I need to run a school for girls. Or at least release a heavy handed pamphlet.

A few guidelines, ye ladies of 90s origin who are braving the frontlines of teendom, from someone who has gone through it and lived to tell the tale.


1.  Bad Boys
I understand the attraction to bad or otherwise just mean boys, I do.  As I have stated before my husband perpetually looks like he either wants to fuck me or kill me and I am completely turned on by the resulting confusion.  There are few parts of 'bad boy' that are fine - the look by itself is totally doable, the idea that he stands up for himself and doesn't conform is even more doable.  That's about it.

If he drives 90 mph everywhere he goes (what's sexier than my very real impending death!), makes you feel like shit, or behaves as though giving a shit about anything (including you) is conformity - run, don't walk, away.  This is not badass, this is pitiful.  In 20 years he will be prematurely balding, buying himself Taiwanese hookers on craigslist, and living with either his literal mother or some poor woman who reminds him of her.  

If that's not enough to frighten you, another angle:  A man can drive crazily and treat women like shit, or he can have a big penis.  Ne'er the two shall meet.

2.  Bad Girls
I hate to be the one to ruin an ending for anyone, but that girl that is just a rancid bitch to everyone in High School?  She'll probably still be pretty in 20 years, and she'll probably live in a great big house in exactly the same neighborhood that she lives in now, and that house will be filled with beige furniture and beige little children.  

But while we're on the subject of her probable destiny, I can also with a fair amount of certainty assure you that she'll probably hate herself, her life, have absolutely no real girlfriends to speak of (except for that one and they really hate each other), a secret meth problem, an inability to get through a day without a chardonnay IV and her children will be forced to call the prematurely balding man I previously described "Daddy".  

And you will still be weird - only difference there is that there won't be a freaking day that goes by where you don't thank gawd you are. There's no point in stressing out about trying to please or outdo her now, believe me when I say, you've already won.

3.  Older Boys
If you are 16 and you're dating a 20 year old, you may be inclined to feel slightly puffed up about this.  Good for you, snagged an older dude.  This makes you a super hot commodity!

...unfortunately this also makes this guy super fucking creepy.  Having issues understanding why?  Imagine a 16 year old guy trying to motorboat a 12 year old girl.

Even if you're not dating an older dude.. you've suddenly realized that older men are looking at you now.  You've grown some boobs and the newness of taking them out for a spin in a low cut top and feeling a breeze on your half exposed ass, I mean, the attention is intoxicating.

But for chrissakes, I beg of you, don't feed the pervs.  The grown ass men who are paying attention to you are on par with teenage boys paying attention to an elementary schooler in a bikini.  Sure, I could get myself an ego boost from flashing my boobs at a construction site (I could also feel energized from sticking my tongue in a light socket) this does not make it a good idea.

4. Pictures are Forever
I am super grateful that when I was in High School the internet was a new thing, you have my overwhelming sympathy that you are growing up in a time where half of America would probably walk straight into the mouth of a psychotic mountain lion because they were busy checking Facebook on their smartphones.

When I was in 8th grade AOL became a thing.  I had to sit down at a 40,000 lb computer and wait for 5 minutes while it dialed up to connect (dialed up to connect).  There were approximately 3 people on that thing, all of whom wanted to have cybersex with me.  Teenage girls were, are, and will always be the crack to the internet perv.

The pictures you take of yourself with your new boobs poofed out, bending over in front of the mirror making inexplicable fishlips in drag queen make up - that shit is forever.  You know that embarrassing baby picture of you that you hope nobody ever sees?  It's like if I tattooed that on your face.  When you're 30 and some potential employer or some guy you met on EHarmony is looking you up, they're going to find that picture and think "score!  Lookie here!  She was a baby prostitute - I can practically smell the baby powder!"

It. Is. Creepy.

I know what you're thinking - what's wrong with forever getting attention for my sex appeal?!  Here's what's wrong with it:  it's the wrong, creepy kind from the wrong, creepy people.  It's intoxicating to you right now because it's new - much like going on a roller coaster for the first time is intoxicating and new.  However, if you've been on said roller coaster for 20 freaking years in a row, you will probably want to get off, have a good barf and try a different fucking kind of ride.  Posting your sex pictures online is basically the equivalent of nailing your ass into the seat of a roller coaster because you like it right now.

Princess Leia is now 500 years old and you know what people bring up with her the most?  The fucking gold bikini. Which, by the way, is practically a berka by today's standards.  And that shit is from the 70s.

5. Pot Smoker vs. Pot Head
I have zero problem with pot, I live in California it's practically in vending machines.  However, as a PSA I would like to explain the very big difference between a pot smoker and a pot head.

A pot smoker is someone who occasionally smokes pot, like one occasionally has a drink or occasionally gets a pedicure.

A pot head is someone who smokes pot everyday, feels absolutely awesome about doing nothing, stares into the abyss and lives in a cat-pee smelling apartment that is entirely furnished in cardboard and old pizza boxes.  This is not cute.

All of the post-25 year old Pot heads I know are basically some version of this:

6. Sexy Sexy Sex
While we're on the subject of things some people wouldn't approve of but I'm okay with, let's talk about sex baby.  I would never in a million years tell a teenager to not have sex - if it feels like the right thing to do at the right time, do it.  (But wear a fucking condom).

I will say that that girl who is trying to uber impress you by telling you she's already slept with 10 guys and has orgasms just from wearing tight jeans is full of shit.  If you're trying to figure out how to have fantastic sex for gawds sake ask questions and try figuring it out with some humility. Porn is useless.  I repeat - if you are a girl, porn as far as an instructional manual is concerned is useless.  Aforementioned full of shit girlfriend has probably gleamed most of her knowledge from said porn, and will probably be 45 and still have no idea where her clitoris is.

So sure, have sex.  But if you're running around asking everyone you meet to bang you on the end like a stubborn ketchup bottle, knock that shit off.  It doesn't lead to hotness it leads to herpes.

7.  Joining Groups
It's completely cliche but for gawds sake be your fucking self.  There will be places that you fit in, groups that you identify with.  I'm still a hippie and a theatre nerd, but buying into any one label entirely - whether it be goth, popular girl, punk, hippie, theatre nerd, roadkill enthusiast - just to buy into a label so you have some platform to judge other people off of... It's no different than hurling on a cheerleading uniform not because you like cheerleading but because you feel like it gives you some exclusivity and the right to be a bitch.  Retain some freaking contradiction and texture, that'll be what makes you interesting.

8.  Teenagedom is a Survivable Condition
It's going to be over soon, a faint memory, I promise.  Shit that seems like a really, really big deal one day you will more than likely never remember 5 years from now.  Promise promise.

Have I missed anything?  I feel better now.

Oh - in case you aren't feeling super old just by reading this post, fun fact:  Kurt Cobain's daughter is now old enough to drink.  #MindBlown



  1. You can bet your ass my kids are going to be graduates of Stork's School for Teenagers! Love it!

    1. Yessssss! Perhaps a Stork's Summer School wherein I curse but give very accurate advice.

  2. I am SOOO thankful to have grown up in an age when the internet disconnected if someone picked up the telephone! I still remember the sweet siren song of the dial up connections...oooooh weeeee ooeeooeeooo. The stuff kids post online these days scares the living shit out of me. Also, the pressure for girls to be sexy and pretty and oh so skinny is the hell do you counter all those messages and tell your teenage daughter that she is beautiful no matter how much she weighs? If I ever find a daughter of mine looking at tumblr for shit like "thigh gap" I'm moving to a compound in the mountains.

    1. FUCK a thigh gap that is RIDICULOUS. I'm pretty sure to accomplish a thigh gap you have to be about 3 lbs above organ failure.

      And yes - agreed. The amount of shit these girls are posting of themselves on the internet is HORRIFYING.

  3. I have a friend who gives advice like this. I'm sending my daughter to live with her for summers from ages 13-18.

    One of the criteria I used to decide on a husband was that I could be comfortable as a passenger when he was driving. That indicated a certain level of trust. However, 13 years down the line, I now want to either hit him with a cattle prod so he'll stop driving like my grandmother (seeing as she never drove and would have been EXTREMELY cautious) or just flat out hit him because he's driving like an idiot. What do you do with that?

    1. If you have a friend like me, then YES send your daughter to her for some sensible summer camp.

      Second, Shit! I don't know what to do with that last one! Maybe tell him you will hit him over the head with a frying pan if he drives to slow, make an honest attempt to tear his nipples off if he drives to fast, and that you'll gargle his balls if he drives juuuuuuust right.

  4. Excellent advice! I can't believe the pictures that kids will take and post of themselves these days... of course I have a girlfriend who in her late 20's was collecting photos of penises from the men she met through on-line dating. They would send them to her and in exchange she would send them a headless shot of her boobs... i can't imagine how many pairs of boobs are out there in phones right now... icky.

    1. Yicky poopoo not to mention So. Dumb.

      I read an article the other day on Huffington Post about whatever the hell app that is - I think it's called snap chat - where you send a picture the other person can 'only see' for 5 seconds before it's 'gone forever'. Apparently super easy to hack into and now there are sites being run just to post pictures people send and mock them.

  5. I would add something like: Take advantage of the fact that your only responsibility is to go to school. Don't let a paying job get in the way. Don't just aim at passing or getting an A. Strive to really learn. Ask questions. Engage your teachers in dialogue. I wish I had done all that. I was smart and never struggled to do well (except for geometry-that shit is insane), but I was too stupid to realize that there was more to learning than just doing the assignments and passing the tests.

    1. Very well said! Shit ton of memorization involved in school.. Half the stuff I 'studied the hardest' for I don't remember at all, now.

  6. Mission accomplished! That post was super awesome. And I feel super old. Bookmarking for future daughter to read!!

    1. YESSSS. If I can make one person feel old this weekend I will have done my job. ;)

  7. I am terrified of raising kids in the age of facebook and twitter. I am actually happy I didn't have all this when I was a teenager. I did some really, really stupid stuff (um...yeah...dated older man) and who knows what sort of pictures I would have posted. I mean, I survived without anything truly bad happening but when I think back, my friends and I put ourselves in some situations that could easily have gone really bad.
    I am going to have 2 teenage girls! Ack! I am sending them to Stork School for sure!

    1. Oh even without facebook and twitter I can't believe some of the stupid shit I did. SO DUMB.

      And I dated a 30-something when I was 20.. which seemed super hot at the time, and even though I was 20 I still look back on it now and think 'what the hell was wrong with that guy?!'

      Oh dear. TWO AT THE SAME TIME. Twice the hormones, twice the fun.

  8. This is right on. I always wanted to believe that the mean girls grew up to be ugly and miserable. (Somewhere along the lines of the Bundys on Married with Children), but now I realize that I have to settle for believing that they are just miserable...which, now that I think about it, is actually bad enough!

    1. YES. All the ones that I know... still reasonably pretty, unfuckingbelievably miserable.

  9. I just discovered your blog.

    Marry me.

    Oh, wait, I'm already married. Oh wait, I'm also gay.

    Oh well.

    1. Ha! This made my day!

      Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. We will have a beautiful sexless marriage.

  10. Where the hell were you when I was a teenager!? Jeez. I needed all this advice and more. Oh. Shit. I think someone may have tried to sit me down and shove it at me and I didn't listen. I suppose if they said it like this, I may have heeded the warning. For damn sure, I wish I had heeded the warning.

    I am definitely an example of a teenage girl who should have benefited from your sage wisdom!

  11. Now where was this school twenty years ago when I could have used it the most?

    Cringing at Bub's just-barely-thwarted condom attack. Utterly foul.

  12. I am a little apprehensive about what will be out there when R is a teenager. When my nephew was getting texts of girls in bikinis in dressing rooms at the age of 13, I kind of really started to freak out. I think if you do open this school, my daughter will surely be attending. Can I sign her up now and lock in this year's tuition? Regardless, I will be bookmarking this post for future discussions as my daughter grows up.

  13. Oh if I could hand this little baby out on the streets to all the teenage girls.... Well said, Stork. Well said.

  14. Glad Bub missed the condom (ok, that sounds weird). I used to work in a university that was the area of choice for trans prostitutes, because the police didn't have the right to send them away, they'd have to first call the dean, which in practice didn't happen. And the floor was full of condoms...
    Also, I'm so glad I was a teenage before facebook etc.

  15. Well said. I've also just discovered your blog. Wish I had this advice as a teenager like many others. You're funny and great at writing, you could make money for writing in magazines or even a book?!

  16. Ahhhhhh so nice to read this tonight. You don't miss a thing and get right to the point. Our kids are all screwed!!!!

  17. DAMN! This is exactly what I would have told myself 20 years ago, and have tried to instill in my now-21-year-old sister. I'm not sure she listened, but I tried...

    I thought the time my Irish grandmother covered one with her shoe so as not to offend her sister who was a devout Catholic nun was gross and funny, but The Almost Attack of the Flying Condom takes the cake!!

  18. Just for the heck of it, I googled "psychotic nipple stork" and your blog was one of the top results. Just thought you'd like to know....