Thursday, May 16, 2013

On Keeping a Gay Husband

Happy Thursday, interwebs of the internally challenged.

My week has been like a Baz Luhrmann movie full of color and general shenanigans, which is precisely what I needed to follow last weekend.  Sunday made me a wee bit sad as I already admitted, and so this week my gay husband and I have been on a mission to cheer up.

(For new people:  Bub is actual husband, Mr. T is the best friend, aka gay husband).

As you may or may not know I spend most of my week sitting in my pajamas, which inevitably include tank tops with holes around the nipples, and writing.  When I am not doing this, the gay-husband Mr. T and I like to play Real Housewives of Los Angeles or on a particularly sassy day as was Tuesday, Real Housewives of Disneyland.

We are like twins who have developed our own shorthand language.  If we spend more than an hour together, we always end up convulsing into inexplicable fits of hysterical laughter over nothing.  I do not recommend spending more than an hour with us.

When you take our little freakshow to Disneyland, we are so much worse.  Sometimes we don't even make it to the actual park before someone is convulsing and threatening to pee on something.  Case and point, Mr. T was in the backseat on the way there on Tuesday, and he was complaining about the arctic level of air conditioning that I enjoy.  Half hour outside of the park we had already started laughing.  Mr. T prepared to text Bub to let him know that he would be peeing in the backseat of our new car, but no need to fret, because of the temperature it would just be a frozen pee cube.

At some point in the day, we always end up talking to each other exclusively in our LA voice - it's like if a gay man and a snotty valley girl taught a child to talk, and that childs tongue had been stung by bees...Also if that child demanded at every restaurant to know if their kale was organic, demanded to know how many calories she would be consuming if she rode Pirates of the Caribbean, demanded to know if the fat ghosts on Haunted Mansion had ever tried the cayenne pepper cleanse, demanded to know if tourists from the midwest lived in any proximity to the middle east.

We also decided that the day called for me to have many hairdo changes.  Throughout the day I had braids, a side pony, pigtails, and a Mormon updo (which led to me asking the attendant on haunted mansion if she was confident the ghosts had all accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior).

Suffice it to say, we usually go alone.

On Tuesday my closest local lady friend Ms. Kali braved it, bless her heart. I do not believe she knew what she was getting into. At first she was adult supervision, and then she threw her hands in the air and decided to join the circus.  (She even got herself a circus themed pair of ears).


Still on our cheer-up mission, today Mr. T and I went to see The Great Gatsby. We both psychotically love Baz Luhrmann with a disconcerting ferocity.  (He's the Director of the to die for Leo version of Romeo + Juliet, and though I usually disapprove of movie musicals on principal, the amazing Moulin Rouge!).

I will try not to ruin this for anybody (but seriously guys?  Didn't even read it in High School?) so I'll give you the jist.  Leo is in a love triangle with Carey Mulligan and another actor (where Carey Mulligan is the desired object...) Tobey Maguire is the cousin of Carey's and friend to both men, and the narrator.

Now, I never understood lusting after the Leo of the Titanic era, but the R&J Leo, yes ma'am.  I'll take two.  To this day when I watch that movie I am capable of muting my usually cynical heart ( why don't they just run away?), wholeheartedly investing myself in their love for one another and wanting to bathe my fully naked body in Hawaiian shirts, spurs, and Leo's floppy bangs.  Leo's gayness has never stopped me before from believing him as a straight man.

Oh, I believe Leo is gay. Right?  I mean... he's gay. I'll give you a moment if you would like to adjust to the shock of it and come back.

.......

So since Mr. T had already seen Gatsby prior to today and had already expressed to me that there was no way to walk out of the movie without thinking that Leo & Tobey have at one point or another slept together. I remained skeptical.

The movie was great, it was great.  But as per usual Mr. T is right, and watching Tobey and Leo make faces at each other is a bit like watching Ms. Jolie and Mr. Pitt in "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" when they were allegedly totes platonic.

The irony being that I think if Leo were just out and gay, he could play straight without any squinting or head tilting from anyone...but he is now lining his closet with the red-faced alcohol bloat of a never-ending shame spiral, and the apparent insistence for an uneven snookie like orange splotch of bronzer on his chin.  Cue head tilting.

Now that I'm home and plucking 40 lbs of popcorn out of my bra, I am developing a deep respect for Carey Mulligan's acting chops. She is essentially having to play not only the lone taco, but the deeply desired taco in a sea of bratwurst lovers at Oktoberfest. Give that girl an Oscar.

I wanted to reach into the screen and tell Daisy (her character) 'dude.. You can totally have two husbands with far less drama if you just make sure that your gay husband knows he's gay, okay?  I'm here in the dark with my gay husband and no one's going to get butt hurt over it'.

I say this because, as evidenced in my every day life and particularly this week, having a spare gay-husband is absolutely invaluable.  And he doesn't get me into sticky situations, he unsticks me from myself.


(Yes that actually happened at Disneyland, and after he satiated his catty bitch and took a picture, Mr. T, in fact, unstuck me).

This week I read the amazing post on depression that I'm sure you've all seen.  The author illustrates how she spent a year in a deep depression, and what started to snap her out of it wasn't her many concerned loved ones or even her own desire to.  She was one day crying on the floor of her kitchen (as you do) and happened to notice a single piece of shriveled corn stuck under her fridge.  Something about the sheer absurdity of that threw her into a hysterical laughing fit for the first time in a year and she started to come to.

Bub is my soulmate, my partner, my one true love, my lover, my world.  Mr. T is my friend-mate, my long lost twin, my shriveled piece of corn.

We both have our husbands and obviously a way different kind of love for them then we do for each other, but I'm his spare husband and he is mine.  I would die if I didn't have Bub, I would cease to see vivid Luhrmannesque colors if I didn't have Mr. T.

If I were to create a gift basket to all new infertiles full of shit that they would need, it would be full of pee sticks, instructions on how to block people on Facebook, some tequila and their very own Mr. T.

You absolutely need your husband or wife on this road (unless you don't in which case may I say, you're a badass) to go through it with you, but I really wish everyone had someone on the outside of the situation to gripe about it with you.

With Bub, right or wrong, I don't always tell him when something tiny upsets me about the uppity world of fertiles, because frankly I don't want to bring him down with me if I don't have to.  Mr. T is on the outside.

If I get sonogram snipered, he can tell me that that girl sucks balls and always has.

If at Disneyland I fantasize about renting an empty stroller just so that I can hit the back of fertiles heels to see how they like it, he doesn't see anything wrong with this plan and may even encourage it.

He can remind me that the Moms we see on Facebook are mostly completely fucking miserable.  Maybe they even have a secret meth problem.

He can correct me with certainty when my 'whens' become 'ifs'.

He can put my hair in a mormon updo because some days require a lot of hairdos.

It's an embarrassment of riches, having my two husbands.  One that makes it hard to feel too sorry for myself, even just a few days after Mother's Day.  I'm lucky.  I have a team to unstick me when I've stuck myself to the kitchen floor.

So my suggestion to Carey Mulligan's Daisy is for gawds sake, if you're going to have a spare husband make sure he's gay and he knows it.  Far less drama.  You might not get a movie out of it but you'd certainly get a good time at Disney.


35 comments:

  1. Oh what I wouldn't give for a gay husband. But that would mean you know I would have to get out of my house to meet people and we all know that just doesn't happen much, if ever. :) There is something about having that special someone who is detached enough to let you gripe then take you to disney land to make it all better....Oh how I wish!!! Mr T is one lucky gay husband :)

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    1. Man alive... I am serious - next time you go out with a girlfriend, go to a gay bar! They LOVE women there. You should you should you should.

      I adore you.

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  2. I am so jealous of your day at Disneyland. I have not been since July. JULY!!! This is, quite possibly, the longest I have ever gone in my entire life without going there. Our passes expired and since we were entering the land of needing multiple IVF's decided not to pay the new and inflated prices. I miss it so much :( Take me with you!
    I agree that gay husbands are important. though, I would say I have more of a gay mistress. Unfortunately, he did not handle my IVF news with any sort of support which made me sad. He was stunned speechless and this is not someone I have ever seen speechless. So I never really brought it up with him again. He has since become excited about my pregnancy and has named the babies after himself already (Shawn and Shawna). So, I guess I'll forgive him.

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    1. Since JULY?!?! UNACCEPTABLE. Come with us!!! If only you weren't going away for so long, damnit... when do you get back?

      Yes, forgive the gay mistress, forgive. The slot is still open for gay husband.

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    2. I get back in August. I will be large. Do you think that qualifies as a reason to get a wheelchair and cut to the front of the line?

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    3. Please. SUPER qualifies. With summer lines a broken nail qualifies for a wheelchair in my eyes.

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  3. I'm here from an RT fertile book link. I'm a dreaded fertile. Of the maybe lets try to... Oops I'm pregnant variety. Only I don't post on FB I'm strictly voyeur. Just wanted to say hey so I wouldn't feel awkward when we run into one another at RT's one day. Love your writing and blogs in general. Thanks for the read.

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    1. Heyyyy girl hey! What would be awkward about us meeting?

      Thanks for the compliment, lovely!

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    2. Actually now that I'm thinking about it I think we did meet? At Mr. T's engagement party?

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    3. Only awkward for my crazy good memory and love of blogs. In that hey there, I know way more about you than the average tangential friend of a friend does. Anyway, my school ends on June 11 and it would fun to get together sometime.

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  4. When are you going to write a book?? You are hilarious and insightful all at the same time. How the hell do you do that?

    "Also if that child demanded at every restaurant to know if their kale was organic, demanded to know how many calories she would be consuming if she rode Pirates of the Caribbean, demanded to know if the fat ghosts on Haunted Mansion had ever tried the cayenne pepper cleanse, demanded to know if tourists from the midwest lived in any proximity to the middle east." - YES!! I laughed out loud.

    Also, reference to Leo in R&J with the floppy hair and hawaiian shirt. HA.

    Good for you for taking advantage of the magic of Disney (I haven't been in way too long) and a good friend. Jealous. I need a gay husband. Hmmph.

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    1. Let's. Go. To. Disney. What are we doing, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE MORE IMPORTANT?!

      This needs to get DONE.

      And thaaaaank you for the lovely compliments, gorgeous. I have toyed toyed toyed with the idea of writing a book but oh man... I don't even know what that book would even look like. Short essays on infertility situations? I don't know... Toying with it, though. ;)

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  5. Ughhhh I miss Disney so much. Haven't been since August. My gay husband the one who passed almost three years ago...we would go all the time....all the time. I have so many great memories of Disney.....I also California adventure...or as I like to call adult Disney...come on you can walk around with alcohol in the park..score!!!

    Your a lucky one my friend to have both of them in your life. And your husband sounds so amazing, that he loves Mr.T as well. I miss having that. Anthony was my other half with out it being sexual. He got me like no other. I envy you:))

    I haven't seen Great Gatsby yet, but I will most likely video since my ass is couch ridden now. I did read it is h.s., and did see the picture with Robert Redford and Mia Farrow. That was beautiful and I loved it. Oh Leo I love him....like you titanic....ehhhhh I really hated that movie. But I do love me some Leo.....loved shutter island.....so good, and so was the book. I'll see it on DVD, I'm sure I'll like it.

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    1. Oh, Ms. B... I am so sorry about your friend. Cannot. Imagine.

      VAMOS A DISNEY. Why was I ill aware that there were so many Disney ladies?

      You now have to see it if I have to bootleg it and forefeed it to you in your bed because you need to tell me that L&T aren't sleeping together.

      (Also like to point out that on Facebook your use of the word 'vejazzled' almost killed Mr. T)

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  6. Please put me down for one infertile gift basket! I would love a Mr. T like friend to help slosh through this shit storm. Part of it is my own (sometimes selfish) need for privacy. I have one close friend that I haven't told and it's kind of nice to have "normal" conversations and interactions.

    AND...I can't read a R&J reference without an obligatory shout out to the AMAZING (amaze-balls is that the kids are calling it now) SOUND TRACK! The perpetual gold fish that I am...I find the CD in my own collection every few years and sing every word like it was 1998! If you haven't obsessed over it...download immediately...or invest the $4 at a used CD shop and fall in love!

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    1. OMG. YOU'RE MY FAVORITE.

      For Fifteen. Years. I have listened to that soundtrack at least once every two weeks. It's BRILLIANT.

      And, yet again, the soundtrack was good for this movie.. After the movie I went to starbucks, they sold it, I bought it. aaaaaand so good. (No R&J Soundtrack but still, SO GOOD).

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  7. What a great friend Mr. T. must be. There are very few people who EVER fill those needs like he seems to for you :)

    And about Leo--jaw dropped. Never thought of him as gay before...hmmm will have to think about that one.

    And about Gatsby, I STILL haven't seen it, a tragedy for me as I teach American literature and have taught this novel no fewer than six times and read it no fewer than 10. I will take a Leo from R&J any time, any day.

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    1. He has to be gay. You must accept this. I understand there are stages to news like this so I will let you process them in your own time, but I will be sitting here waving the rainbow flag once you arrive at acceptance.

      WHAT?! You should be at the movie theatre right now. Unforgivable.

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  8. Girl, I am totally with you! I love my gay husband, W, and wouldn't trade him for the WORLD!!! Poor R, having to listen to our catty bitching and incessant laughing when W visits... Not to mention the constant singing in falsetto. Try anything popular with your opera voice on: magic.

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    1. OMG... I can't believe I forgot to mention Mr. T's singing... That is how I always locate him when I've lost him in large stores...

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  9. THANK YOU for finally saying it. Leo is legit gay. I had a sneaking suspicion back in the R+J days when I plastered him all over my bedroom and my mom said, "Who's that little boy who can't grow facial hair? He looks gay to me." And the parade of supermodels? Come on. He is.

    You make me really want a gay husband, or even a hetero friend who commiserates in that manner. You're so lucky, but I think you know that already. Love your blog and your writing! I hope the fact that you spend your days in PJ's means you do this writing thing professionally. If not... you should.

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    1. Thank you for the compliments, gorgeous!

      You need to go out and get yourself a gay husband immediately. IMMEDIATELY. Someone on twitter suggested that there needs to be a match website for hags and gay husbands. This is not an altogether crazy idea.

      And your Mom's line just made me die. STILL VALID ARGUMENT TO THIS DAY.

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  10. This is great! I would totally go to Disneyland with you guys. :P

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  11. Please tell me that someone pays you to write movie reviews. Because this line had me blowing chunks of cheese out of my mouth: "She is essentially having to play not only the lone taco, but the deeply desired taco in a sea of bratwurst lovers at Oktoberfest." (Is 10 am too early to be eating cheese? I don't know.)

    Your gay husband sounds awesome and makes me wish I had one. I do have a second husband, but he's a dog, which makes it difficult for us to go fun places together.

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    1. Hahaha sadly my gift of reviewing movies in a completely non helpful way, as well as my gift of being able to describe to people why their food choices are disgusting, is untapped. I am an undiscovered flower in that arena.

      You should get yourself a gay husband instead of a dog, though if it makes you feel any better I'm sure the outfits are similar.

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  12. I never thought it would be so beautiful and touching to refer to someone as a shriveled piece of corn, but wow! I love it!

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    1. Ha! Read that article if you haven't already... AMAZING. And I know every infertile has at one point or another been in that kind of funk.

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  13. Bahaha! You guys sound like a complete disaster, but in a good way. Man, I never realized how much I was missing out by not having a spare gay hubby either, but now I'm completely jealous and on a mission to get one. Too bad they are fewer and further between in Austin, TX. I should have taken advantage while living in South Beach darnit! Live and learn. Live and learn.

    Oh and P.S. we saw Gatsby as well, and I was so distracted the whole movie, wondering how much botox Leo must get, wondering if he does face peels and how often, etc. God, he looked do damn good in that movie! Just flawless!

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    1. There is ALL kinds of science happening on that face... ALL kinds of science. Now, fine if no one has the balls to tell Leo what is too much (or that though he is a great actor, maybe he shouldn't tackle accents). But a CONSISTENT spot of orange bronze on his chin? No ma'am. someone needs to man up.

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  14. Oh I am in love! I swear we are kindred spirits. I, too, never found Leo attractive until Romeo and Juliet. That movies still makes me melt (and perk up in all the right places) and that soundtrack still makes me swoon. I also fully believe that both he and Toby are gay and it makes me sad they won't just admit it. Also this fall I must go to Disneyland with you and Mr. T. I'm so jealous of your shenanigans and want to have oodles of shameless fun at the Happiest Place on Earth. But summer there is too damn hot for me. I know, crazy considering where I live, but that's the truth. Also I would love to sit in a stroller and bite legs while you bash the backs of Disneyland's endless supply fertiles' feet! And you are SUCH a lucky woman to have two amazeballs husbands. The closest thing I have to a gay husband is a hilarious and very sweet closeted gay. One that I doubt will ever come out. Although maybe that will be good enough for me lol. Two months is too long. Can't you come up here for a short stay?!?

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    1. Agreed... You should get your butt down here faster. FASTER. You will be seeing me exactly one month pre-IVF and I will eat your face as I have longed to forever.

      COME TO DISNEY IN FALL. HALLOWEENTIME DISNEY. Yes ma'am.

      I know there's some nickname that Leo & Tobey have that's supposed to reference that they're some sort of pussy team (oh the irony) but for the life of me I can't remember it...

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  15. I'm just gonna say it: My gay husband needs to step up the gay... like now... he totally changes the subject whenever I talk about infertility or lady bits, claiming he doesn't understand any of it and doesn't want to. I'm pretty sure this has something to do with the time I showed him what a vagina looks like by Googling "vagina" and he nearly passed out. Perhaps if he were more "in tune" with his feminine side, or at least acted like a more stereotypical Chatty Cathy kind of gay, this wouldn't be an issue. Anyway, regardless, he's awesome, and I most definitely believe that two husbands are better than one...

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  16. Aw man, I want my own Mr. T!! Sigh...

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