Thursday, December 6, 2012

Shit Ideas

It.  Is.  Thursday.

Well, its happened.  I got rid of that little robot that makes you type a word before you can comment on my blog a month or two ago, and now I'm getting the porn comments.  (The spam folder seems to be catching... most of them.)

I have arrived, internet!

Such is my hate for that robot (again, I'm blinder than any of you) that the robot stays gone until someone figures out a way to post an animated gif of jiggling breasts as a comment... and probably not even then because let's face it, who doesn't like boobies.

(Sidenote:  you would be shocked how many people arrive at my blog by searching 'stork porn'.  What is stork porn?!  No wait, don't tell me.. can't be as good as my imagination).


The House of Stork has been a little insane the last week. I'm fine, but there have been a few people in my life who have been less than fine so I've been doing a wee bit o running around.  So we don't grow apart as people, I'm going to dump some nonsense on you that I otherwise would've neatly constructed in a few blog entries.

1.)  If I win the jackpot, vacations and/or mental hospitals for everyone.  (And by mental hospital I mean celebrity mental hospital - where it's really just an expensive vacation on a beach somewhere for 'exhaustion').

2.) I am resolving myself to liking Bruno Mars.  I'm excited about this development because the music I like in the last decade is few and far between, but he really needs to be a little more scarce on the radio before I overdose.

3.) My family is huge and every year they have a Christmas party, and there is always, inevitably, several people who are in fights with one another and it makes things awkward.  This year it's apparently going to be awkward between one of my cousin-in-laws (is that a thing?) who is a certifiable idiot, and my cousin who I love dearly, but who is genuinely shocked that people are suggesting that maybe she doesn't have to immediately fall in love with the first hillbilly to tapdance down meth-mountain and into her heart.  As happy as I am to be spending Christmas with my in-laws and therefor in a childless environment, I'm a wee bit saddened I don't get to see how this plays out.

4.)  Yesterday I spent the morning with men trying to yank my crowns out while I was on laughing gas.  I am terrified of dentists, and this experience was made doubly ludicrous by the fact that I had my 5 year old cousin came with me and to calm my nerves kept shouting "I want to see them yank out all of your teeth!"

5.)  Also if I win the lottery, I will be immediately putting my Mom on some sort of cruise ship.  She does too much for people.  Nothing would delight me more than her texting me and saying "I' am currently drinking wine in Italy with a scandalously young greasy-haired boy.  Everyone can go fuck themselves for the next week".

6.) I'm doing research on cults  This will probably turn into an entry later, but I'd just like to throw out there that in the Fundamentalist section of the Mormon church (not to be confused with the usual mormonism - these are the prairie looking folks with multiple wives) women are excommunicated for having miscarriages as they are 'baby killers'.

7.)  I am a shit Godmother. In my family we have 'ninas' and 'ninos'.  I'm on the outer fringes of the family, but when my cousins - all of whom procreate like rabbits - ran out of alternatives, I was named Nina to a resulting bunny.  I adore her and she just turned 3 yesterday.  The last year I have avoided all activities that involve her and other children.

Last year at her birthday party, I did pretty well with the 22 year olds talking about their 17 children and how it gives life meaning.  Then they put in a video her grandma made her with newborn photos set to sad music.

I also went to see her in a Christmas recital.  Hopped up on Clomid, no less, I sat in the dead center of a theatre surrounded by people younger than me holding babies on their laps, looking at the stage where their other babies were dressed as candycanes and snowmen.  Not the brightest idea I've ever had.

The problem with being a non-crier is I have absolutely no idea how to tell if it's coming.  Sitting in my living room now thinking about it?  I'm gonna give her birthday party a whirl.  She's 3 and I feel guilty as fuck.

This is a shit idea - right?  This is a shit idea.  Good gawd.  But I feel guilty, she's getting older.  Fuck.




Okay, that's it.  We're caught up.  Prepare yourselves for a totally unrelated entry on cults.



35 comments:

  1. Yay cults!

    Do you find yourself listening to the top 40 station hoping against hope that you will find a song you like and not feel like a dried up old hag? This is a struggle I have. I should just park my butt on the 80s and 90s station and call it over.

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    1. I do! I hadn't even ventured into terrestrial radio until the last year or so.. And though I detest most of the recent music (why is autotune such a thing? talk about robot) I was embarrassed how little I knew! So now I occasionally listen so I can at least make sure to like one current song at a time.. but damnit if that sweet little Bruno Mars didn't work himself into my life.

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  2. Oh my word, you make me laugh... I needed that!

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  3. I envy you. All the spam I got on my blog dealt with home improvements or pharmaceuticals. *yawn* So, as much as I hate the damn thing, I put up the captcha thingy for comments. I just couldn't take it anymore.

    Yay for laughing gas!

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    1. Clearly you need to incorporate the word "porn" into your entries more often. My favorite is that I have a blog post titled "Moms on Moms and not in the porn way" which is one of my most popular entries but NOT because infertiles are reading it..

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  4. Thank you for taking out the comment thing. Every time it pops up on anyone's blog, I loudly and emphatically yell Jesus Christ. Because that is who needs to assist me to decipher those things.

    I can't wait to read about your cult research. Martha Marcy May Marlene is next up on my Netflix queue. Super excited.

    I hope that birthday party goes okay. Bring alcohol.

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    1. Oh man I really should figure out a way to booze it up...

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  5. Yay for cults...looking forward to that!! Oh the dentist...I have had 5 root canals in my time....oh I hate dentists...but I LOVE laughing gas!!

    I know it's so hard going to parties and showers. I stopped this last year, I know it sucks and we feel shitty about it. I hated being the one "not a mom" there and moms asking me "which one is yours?" I will never ask someone that question. Your not a shit godmother, you have every right to distant yourself from that, I am sure that your family is understanding. Is there anyway your dentist can slip you some laughing gas before you go to the party??

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    1. Ohhh I wish. Even though I hate the idea of getting into peoples mouths and I detest the dentist I wish I was one if for no other reason than this exact scenario.

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  6. Well, on the one hand, you shouldn't do anything that will upset you more than you want to be upsetted (I know it's not a word, but it works for what I'm trying to say). On the other hand someday when you have bunny's of your own you may regret not spending time with her. Back to the other hand, she's three-she's not going to remember if you're not there, so the only persons feelings you need to worry about is you really. So I guess you have to weigh which feelings you're having that are most important to you and go with those.

    Didn't I tell you that I found you through searching "stork porn" on google? I'm so sad that you're judging me....

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    1. Yeah I'm going to trrrrry it I think... If nothing comes out of it other than going "nope, this was a terrible idea" then at least I'll spare myself some guilt for a little bit about going to future parties.

      I'm thinking it can't be bird on bird porn, so stork porn has to mean some sort of pregnant fetish, right?

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    2. Hmmm. I'll ask around for you on that. I know some people.

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  7. Im in love with Bruno mars. His newest song totally sounds like The Police.

    And yay for family funds! I think of it as free entertainment!!

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    1. Oh I'm a little in love with him. He performed on Saturday night live a month or so ago and he did the one that they're playing on the radio which I love.. but as his second song he did this song that I think is called "young wild girls" which I LOVED. Nowhere to be found.

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  8. Ooh cults...have a morbid interest in them....and a bit of history with them as well....cant wait tired your post!!

    Birthday parties with kids suck when all you want is a child yourself...I agree booze it up :)

    Bruno Mars makes me smile....

    And I'm jealous....never got a single spam comment on my blogger blog. I did make it so no one could leave an anonymous comment & seemed to prevent them....maybe I should have talked more about porn ;) but someone did find my page by searching sexy legs Mexico and a picture of my husband reading on the beach in Mexico came up LOL

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    1. Ps thanks for the laughs.... I do love you my dear!!!

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  9. dude, have you ever clicked on the audio version because you can't read the word? I'm blind, so I have. And it is freaky... sounds a lot like Regan in The Exorcist. After she was possessed, of course. it's terrifying. So yay you for not bringing the possessed zombie reading numbers voice back!

    I have my nieces third and fifth birthdays coming up over the next few weeks... at last count there will be loads of kids, two pregnant women and three babies there. I decided I wouldn't go. then felt crazy guilty and decided I would. Then started Letrozol again and decided no, I couldn't. Finished Letrozol and decided I'd go. Would it be rude to cancel both of my nieces birthdays?

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  10. Stork porn. ....... ... ...... ... WHAT!?!

    Family ruckus = free entertainment.

    Cults, what is it about them that draws people to them?

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  11. I hate that fucking robot! I have to blow up the screen to a stupid old lady size to read them!!
    I too have a God Child's birthday to attend tomorrow... not reeeeally very excited but needs must.
    Hope the people in your life are ok.

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  12. Stork porn? I'm scared to ask.

    As for cults...I crazy church group where I went to college tried to recruit me once. It was nuts. I was taking a religions course to fulfill one of my liberal arts requirements and befriended this girl that sat next to me. One day she asked if I wanted to join her and some friends for dinner. I said sure and she told me to meet her at "the gates" (just a spot on campus). Well, I did and maybe 30 other people showed up. Once we were on the subway I asked another person where we were going and she replied "She didn't tell you? You must really trust her."

    Now of course, this should have sent me running for the woods, or at least the next subway stop, but I just tagged along anyway. Eventually we ended up at an apartment building. Strange, I thought. I wish I wasn't here.

    But I went up anyway. It turns out we were at their pastors house for some kind of recruitment to the church craziness. Being quiet and shy, I didn't say "WTF! Get me out of here." Instead, I listened to everyone for like 4 hours until someone said they had to go back to campus to study for an exam. I left with her.

    For the next several months they called almost daily inviting me to church. They were very nice and all, but the whole thing made my skin crawl. The calls came so often at one point that I stopped answering my phone.

    Thankfully, even at my most quiet and shy, someone telling me to do something makes me want to do the complete opposite. I don't think I'd be a very good cult member.

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  13. I think you should also start researching frat houses -- those are pretty much cults, too, except for some reason they're accepted in society. Also, the Google search terms people enter to find blogs are just hilarious. I remember with my last blog, someone had found it by typing "Can I eat my chocolate cell phone?"

    I say go to the party but have an escape plan mapped out! Like, say you have a headache beforehand, then if you need to bail, tell them it got worse and you have to go lie down with a bottle of red wine and some crunchy cheetos because that is a VALID migraine cure.

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  14. Interesting cults idea. Oh I so need a vacation from life right now. Please put me on that list.

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  15. I'm really digging Bruno Mars, too! I don't normally like anything current. Owww @ your root canal :-( That sucks. You have been a busy little bee! I have to admit, I can't do birthday parties or baby showers or anything like that :-( Makes my heart break.

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  16. 1. VACATION!!! I want to come to visit you and Micky, and then the head out to an island somewhere to do not a dam thing. Then I am taking you skiing, because I have a feeling that would be the funnest/funniest thing I have ever done.

    2. I am afraid I can't follow where you are going on that one. Leaves me cold.

    3. Thank goodness my only cousin who has reproduced is in Ireland so my family Christmas is still child free. We are also a little like the Waltons, no one ever argues. I think your family seems more fun.

    4. I am strange, the dentist doesn't bother me, I even look forward to a good hygiene appointment.

    5. My step mum is the same, I would love to see her just relax for a week or two.

    6. Ooooh, interesting....

    7. That Christmas recitle, I just barfed a bit in my mouth. Is there a way you could take her for a treat for her Birthday that would not include all the other little snot-bags? That would be my choice.

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  17. Confession: I googled 'free animated gifs bouncing boobies'. You know, because I thought it might make you smile (or even better, snarff something out your nose). Alas, that is as far as I got because I lack robot-like talents. Perhaps there is a Santa Monica college extension course that I can take to rectify this situation. But until then, I send you lots of verbal boobie jiggles.

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    1. (.)(.)
      ) .(
      ( v )


      that's as close as I can get.

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    1. Stork porn? It's that thing where you have two storks, a ball gag, a can of pineapple juice and an extension ladder and then once you manage to get up on the roof....oh never mind. If I really have to explain it then you probably aren't going to do it right anyway.

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  19. I am obsessed with polygamists/fundamentalists Mormons. Obsessed. Unfortunatly for me I live in Utah and on our last trip to the grand canyon we got to drive through their town. Weird doesn't even begin to describe it. Good book on the topic: Secrets and wives. Very well written.

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  20. Great blog! I've been following your blog (and other infertiles') for a couple months now. I am not trying to get pregnant or anything, so maybe this is a stupid question, and maybe it's one you've even addressed before, but I am curious about adoption. (Maybe an idea for a future blog if you ever run out of them.) It seems a lot of women will spend tens of thousands of dollars on IVF and fertility treatments, when that money could easily be used to adopt a child. Why do some women opt out of this, do you think? Is it a, "Let's at least try for our own for at least 5-10 years first" thing? I mean, if you really want a child and you can't seem to have your own, why does it seem like it's really important that said child comes out of your own vagina? Super curious, thanks! :)

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  21. This probably makes me sound like a psycho but oh my gosh, I cannot wait for that entry on cults! And I am disgusted by the baby killer exile thing. Seriously, I put enough blame on myself as it is for my loss. But to be kicked out of my community by a bunch of men who just want to control the women in their lives. No.

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