Thursday, December 13, 2012

Lurking Babies

Happy Thursday, interwebs.  I trust that you are enjoying your last 8 days on Earth before the Mayans come and eat your still-beating hearts.

And now, a note.

Dear Lurkers,
I have a giant, giant puppy named Luna.  Bub the hub and I are one of those obnoxious couples who will do our very best to convince you to rescue an animal that needs rescuing as opposed to purchasing a designer dog.  Our two dogs and our obese grumpy cat - all of whom are monochromatic and I'm not sure what that says about me - are rescues.  (Although at some point in my life I would like to have a Great Pyranese as they look like a ginormous, white snuffalupagus).

Anyhoo.  Luna is the newest, and we've had her for 9 months - we have put together that she wasn't abused in any way but probably just sort of stuck in someone's backyard and never really paid attention to. She was unfamiliar with the usual human-dog interactions, namely snuggling and affection.

At first when we tried to snuggle with her, she would give us that look usually reserved for women who have accidentally found themselves boinking some guy that believes that jackhammering is the end all, be all of sexual divinity. You know the one - "I hope you're getting something out of this because I sure as shit am not".

Then slowly but surely, she started to get into it a little bit but still didn't quite get it.  She would lay somewhere within the proximity of one of us, put her giant paw in one of our faces and give us a hopeful look like "Is this a thing?  Cause I feel like this should be a thing".

And now, finally, after months of practicing, she will calmly lay down next to one of us and let us snuggle her for quite a bit before going about her usual business of eating all of Bub's socks or re-arranging the living room furniture through the lost art of hopping.

My point is - much like Luna I am a little rough around the edges, I realize, but I am quite nice if given the chance, I promise.  I shall be loyal and kind and only really show my teeth if someone messes with you.  And will only eat a sock if left alone too long.  I will like you.  (I have multiple in-real-life friends who have told me they were nervous to befriend me because they didn't think I would like them.  Is that a thing?  Cause I don't think that should be a thing.)

And now that I've proclaimed myself to be nice, I promise, I'm going to unleash a torrent of nasty bitterness on you because where the mother eff else can I?  I'm going to let it out because otherwise I will be emotionally constipated and I already have enough of that to worry about this holiday season.

Do you ever have something that you would really, really like to like but just can't?  Like sushi.  Or jazz.  Or Anne Hathaway.

Such is my relationship with positive thinking as of late.  I would really like to be a positive thinker, and aside from my snarky sense of humor (it's my style, people) I like to think I usually am.  Recently, however, even when I try the previously fail-safe method of cheering myself up via the magic of Christmas, it ends up coming out more like this:

Now when it comes to baby-making I am actually doing better, emotionally, this holiday season than I was last.

This year it's more of a Clark Griswold, slightly-crazy-but-mostly-numb twinge of bitterness, whereas last year it was a sadness as if everyday from sun up to sun down I was forced to watch the slaughter of puppies dressed as reindeer.  I'll take Clark bitterness over puppy-snuff sadness any day of the week.

It's all the lurking, creepy babies.  Babies, babies, everywhere there are babies and they're out to get me. (This is not a conspiracy theory I tell you!  One day it will be a Dateline story and you will believe, oh yes you will, about the Christmas when babies came out of the woodwork to assure Jenny's committal to the nuthouse).

Tis the season, evidently, of facebook pregnancy announcements.  Here's a picture of my toddler holding up an ultrasound photo.  Here's an ultrasound with a joke underneath it about the consequences of alcohol (womp womp). Here's an ultrasound with a little message about Santa bringing something a little extra in his sleigh this year!  (barf).

Now, on the one hand should I get pregnant I don't want to totally deny myself all the things those fucking fertiles get, like making facebook announcements.  On the other hand, being an infertile, I know that everytime someone announces a pregnancy on Facebook an angel in heaven loses it's wings, plummets to the earth and is crushed/disemboweled by pavement in front of school children.

So I'm really not sure I would do a facebook announcement, but if I caved and did it it would go something like this - "Bub and I are making humans.  Absorb this information.  For peeks into my womb buy me dinner first."

Another point - and forgive me for saying this if forgiveness is needed - I don't give a flying fuck about Kate Middleton.

I didn't give a shit about her when she was getting married.  I didn't give a shit about her when they tried to turn her into a Hallmark channel movie.  While the rest of the world was up watching a wedding I was asleep.  I definitely don't give a shit about the 10 page articles dedicated exclusively to her hats and I sure as shit don't need to hear about her being knocked up.

I will though... Oh but we all will.  We're in for 6 months of royal baby watch.  It is inescapable.  And unless it emerges from her vagina already wearing an over-the-top hat, I am not interested.

Mind you - I understand that when a celebrity gets pregnant there is crazy coverage and I have enough problems with that.  (Gawd help Jennifer Aniston if/when she gets knocked up).  But usually they at least give you a couple of issues of People magazine between updates.

I love you, UK.  You have produced the loveliest people, music, books, and you are by far a much more sane and logical country than the US. I have many-a-time thought about running away from here and into your arms.

But fuck me... why, at the end of the revolutionary war, did our forefathers not make the UK sign something that said we do not have to deal with royalty in the tabloids on a daily basis?  Why did they not foresee (they were forefathers after all) my wanting to open a people magazine without half of it being dedicated to the womb of royalty?  You dropped the ball, forefathers, you dropped the ball.  If I had a time machine I would deal with that first before I went on to anything silly like the constitution.

Also, seeing as I've been home nursing a kidney stone I have been watching some terrible daytime TV.  Note to residents of the US of A:  If you find yourself wanting to call the Maury Povich show to see if your husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife is cheating, they are.  If you are unsure of who the father of your baby is and think to yourself "obviously the best way to handle this is to go on a daytime talk show" then at least ask yourself in this day and age if there is any possible way that this video isn't going to resurface when your child is older.

 I'm thinking if I was 12, and my friends & I were fiddling around with this magical invention called youtube and up pops a video of my mother testing 5 different men, and then hurling her ginormous body onto the floor sobbing when none of them is my father... that would be a rough day.

Also, if you're in the grocery store maybe try to keep an eye on where your kids are.  I completely get losing them - something I would totally do, believe me - I don't understand how long it has to take before you realize they're gone.  As I was avoiding eye contact with all the Kate Middletons peering at me from their covers in line this morning, I had a child wrap themselves around my leg, hacking and sneezing the black death onto my jeans.  It was a good 6-7 minutes before their Mom rescued me and proclaimed "omg I didn't even realize she was missing!". Awesome.  I guarantee you I will notice in a few days when my ability to breathe without coughing is missing.

Bah.  Humbug.

End of Rant.

I'm nice, I promise.  I am just incapable of bullshit (and poop in general this time o year) and this is how I'm feeling.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming.


  1. at first when i started reading this, i thought you were going to ask us to adopt luna. i have 2 big rescues (non-monochromatic) and when i read her personality (a little distant and not quite huggly, just like my first rescue, who is now a giant sack of gimme lurv), and then saw that luna was in fact monochromatic, i was totally ready to adopt her.

    but! i see you are not giving away your dog.

    about the rest, "i dont know what to say, except that it's christmas, and we're all in misery" :)

    1. Yay for big rescues! We kind of accidentally ended up with all monochromatic animals but did you know that they have rescues specifically just for black dogs because they're a gajillion times less likely to be adopted because they're scary looking?! So sad.

      Hahahaaaa I am living out that entire movie now minus the visiting relatives, I tell you. ;)

  2. Why is it that I always spot one if your posts just after closing the laptop, forcing me to comment using the arse of a keyboard on my phone. Which ends in all sorts of messes.

    The other (and original) Luna's eyes are amazing. They pierce my soul and make me want to tell her all my darkest secrets.

    I have never found you intimidating, seriously, I want to come to your house and camp out in your yard until you let me live with you.

    Bleargh, the royal foetus, I do not give one fuck, two fuck, red fucks, blue fucks. We are not all loyalists over here. I must admit I watched the wedding coz I am a sucker for a wedding and if they had a channel just showing random weddings I would watch it, but the only purpose they serve as far as I can see is to bring in tourism revenue. I am deeply bored by the whole saga. I would not swap places with that girl for worlds.

    1. Oh and when are our hubbies going to get on and invent the teleportation device so you and I can be miserable together.

    2. OMG Luna... I sooooo wish you lived closer. You and I? In misery? Together? YESSSSSSSSS.

      Yeah her eyes are FREAKY. Everyone gives her lovely compliments on them, with the exception of a few people who see her coming and cross the street. (I once had a woman tell me she had my eyes... Thank you thank you, I birthed her myself I did).

    3. Me too!! Me too!!

      Also, dear lurkers, everything she said is true. She is super sweet and not intimidating at all. Until someone effs with you (dear lurker) then she will cut a bitch. But I promise that is a good kind of friend to have :)

    4. Yessssss! You too!!!! We shall be the forefathers of an entirely Infertile Village somewhere.

      And PS, I love you.

    5. I want to come live in your Infertile Village :)

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  5. ARGH! I hear you with the constant Kate Middleton stuff...every single person who finds out that I am pregnant exclaims something like "Oh wow! You and the princess are pregnant at the same time! How exciting for you that your babies will be the same age as hers!", how about what's exciting is that I am finally freaking pregnant you idiot. I couldn't care less that my babies will be "the same age" as the royal baby. Dumb people.

    P.S I am in love with Luna...seriously, I may steal her...just to warn you...

    1. ewwww that's annoying! I understand that she is a more dignified celebrity but really, she's a celebrity. She's a dancing bear. No one would have the guts to say "omg you're pregnant at the same time as Britney Spears! Are you excited?"

      I will fight you for this dog, pregnant or no. Fight. You.

    2. HAHAHAHA gosh I lvoe reading your blog sooo much!

  6. Please don't hate me but I'm going to be obsessed with the royal pregnancy!!! Ack o can't help it!!

    Facebook announcement ugh. I announced mine with a cartoon of two babies checking out a third that said "I here he's ivf, like way wanted" and only ever did one pregnancy shot at 41w. I admit there are a few baby pics but not many!!

    Luna looks like the type of dogs when the babies come that will be providing lots of licks!

    1. Hahaha I will accept your baby pics! Accept. I will most definitely have baby pictures on my facebook page should the time come (although honestly - there is a girl on my feed who has to post 50, I shit you not, photos a day... really?! That combined with check-ins how about you just INVITE me to steal this kid).

      I do not accept your royal pregnancy obsession! No ma'am! I cry shenanigans!

    2. Oh lord! I would LOVE for you to share that cartoon!

  7. 1. I didn't do a Facebook announcement and had no intention of ever doing one. My husband, however, [insert weary sigh here] announced it on Facebook about two seconds after it was confirmed with a pee stick. (I think that was one of those "for worse" times they talk about in wedding vows.)

    2. Anne Hathaway. Mmmmmm...yeah. I'm with you in not liking her, but I differ in that I have no desire to like her. Is it evil of me to be excited about seeing Les Miserables just so I can watch her die?

    3. Luna is gorgeous. Tell her I said so.

    4. Sooooooooo sick of hearing about anything related to Kate's pregnancy. Ugggggh. I just want to run away to Borneo until it's all over.

    1. 1. I remember him doing that! Ohhhhh you have a much bigger heart than I. He would be buried in my backyard under some nice tulips.

      2. See, I don't understand why I don't like her, is the thing.. It seems like she would be a good person, and not at all some celebrity egomaniacal nightmare? And yet, there's something about her that irks me that I can't quite put my finger on..

      3. I told her. She blinked in an appreciative fashion.

      4. I doubt Borneo is free of this nonsense. Perhaps space?

  8. I would really like to like skiing, and my homemade peanut butter better than JIF.

    Every time I think about quitting my job I think about how awful daytime television is.

    1. Oh man... skiing scares me. First of all I'm so scared of heights I would never be able to jump off the lift thing, I'd just keep circling round and round, and second I have the sneaking suspicion I would ski headfirst into a tree.

      Ohhh but daytime television can make you feel soooo good about your life in a pinch!

  9. The best pregnancy announcement I saw on Facebook was this girl who a) waited until she was at least 6 months or so; and b) revealed it by posting a photo at Halloween of her costume, which involved a zombie baby's bloody arms reaching out from her (pregnant) belly. Didn't even caption it. Kind of amazing.

    Also, you should read this book for people who hate positive thinking: -- turns out it's all BS!

    1. Hahaha I KNEW positive thinking was bologna! People and their silly optimism.

      That IS kind of amazing... Maybe if this pregnancy day comes you can all help me brainstorm the least upsetting/most socially inappropriate way of announcing a pregnancy. Because if I'm going to make people uncomfortable I'd really like to do it in my own special way.

    2. I am totally going to get this book. I'm a born pessimist, and I've spent a lot of time futilely trying to change my ways so that I can reap the benefits of being a positive thinker. It always makes me feel so artificial and even more cranky than I normally am, since I just can't seem to get the hang of it. Embrace my negative thinking? Seems too good to be true!!

  10. I'm from the UK and I must admit I'm so glad to be in the US, where I don't have to hear quite as much about the royal pregnancy as I would back in the UK! I've also had someone say (albeit sarcastically) "You're pregnant at the same time as Kate, are you excited?". Yes, I'm excited - but not because she's pregnant! Honestly I would hate to be in Kate's position, with the press hounding her 24/7 and scrutinizing her every move.

    BTW, Luna is beautiful! :)

    1. Ohhh I do feel bad for her, I do... to the extent that one can feel bad for someone with that kind of money. But man, that has to be weird and awkward the whole world talking about your uterus all the time. I can't even handle ONE person saying "so when are you going to have kids?"

      Gracias, gracias, she is quite the exotic looker.

  11. You are not in the least bit intimidating. I want you as my bff to stay up late and talk about nothing and watch scary movies because no one here will watch them with me and Disneyland and all the jazz that goes with BFF status...

    Royal pregnancy? Yeah, I just feel sorry for the girl. God help her if something goes wrong...

    FB announcements: I announced on December 2, 2011 "HFS I'm going to have a baby" and Raegan was born 2 days later....No ultrasounds no belly pics(one shot of me pregnant period) ever.

    I love the video...seriously DANNY EFFIN KAYE!!! Makes me laugh hysterically. I'm so sorry you're feeling poopy or not depending on where you are residing....Sending you hugs and I wish I could just call you up and get a cup of coffee...

    1. Hahaha you have to move to CA. This is the solution to all your life's problems - being close enough to me to go to Disneyland. I am smarter than a fortune cookie.

      That was my one sympathetic thought towards her - she's announcing her pregnancy in part because she's in the hospital. I can't imaaaagine if gawd forbid she has to go through a loss publicly.

      I'm thinking maybe I'll do something like that? You know, PS I'm in the hospital sort of thing.

  12. I've had to swap Extra and Access Hollywood for Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. Thank God I get US Weekly so I can still follow Jen.

    Luna is beautiful.

    1. I had a weird crush on Jennifer Aniston in college. Believe it or not I do feel bad for her... I mean first her husband leaves her for princess pillow lips (don't get me wrong she's hot too but not exactly an advertisement for a lady-friend) and then every freaking week from that point forward somewhere there's a tabloid swearing she's pregnant. I mean, what if she has problems getting pregnant? NIGHTMARE.

      Gracias, gracias, Luna is feeling pretty good about herself right about now.

  13. Yes it seems as though everywhere you look it's either a belly, or babies.....everywhere!!! I feel like here in LA half of the women have babies as an accessory...sorry but it's true!

    Okay onto the facebook announcing. I have to say I really love what you would it. But for me I'm not posting anything...after all the baby announcements that have jabbed me in the heart I vowed not to do it. I will just all of the sudden be like "oh yeah me & J had a it is" haha. The few friends that do know I'm pregnant have been warned about any photos of me or saying anything about it...haha!!! I really kinda hate facebook anyway.

    Now onto one of the best movies ever made. I love Chevy Chase AKA my dad. I get it the holidays bring it all around that another year has passed, and it's hard not to be sad about it all.

    Oh and Kate Middleton. Yeah not interested. It's all just too perfect for the baby does not stand a chance...haha!! I'm on team Jen...I would love to see her have a baby, adopt a baby, or not have a baby at all which I think would be even cooler. So much pressure on that poor girl...but I do love love her new hubs to be...yum and yum!!!

    But let's talk about the best thing in this post....LUNA!!! She is by far the most beautiful dog I have ever seen. What a sweet sweet face...can you say love at first site. I believe in only doing rescue to. I got Daisy when she was 2, can you believe some ass gave her up. LUNA is one lucky babe to have you and Bub, and so are you guys!!

  14. Aw, we think our rescue dog was neglected by her previous owners, too. We got her when she was 7 months old and she didn't know how to play and was not very affectionate. She still isn't much of a cuddler but she is like a different dog now. I don't know why people get dogs just to ignore them.

    I try sometimes to be a positive thinker but it really hasn't ever worked out for me. I can't find any positives in my current situation. I would also like to have some christmas cheer this year but I just can't seem to get excited about the holidays. I am feeling far more depressed than in previous years. I don't even have any plans to go to Disneyland and I LOVE Disneyland at christmas. I just don't want any part of it this year. Can I just go to sleep and wake up when it's 2013?

  15. As an only-recently reformed lurker, I will admit I find jumping into the fray a bit intimidating. I'm sticking with it though!

    Lurking babies...gah! This week I found out about two new pregnancies, had dinner with two friends with babies, and saw two pregnant bellies on strangers at lunch. They seem to come in pairs, like some giant pregnant ark. I also unsubscribed to at least one Facebook friend who in the last eight months has apparently had nothing more interesting happen to her than her pregnancy. Seriously, not one other thing happened that you could put in your status? Nothing???

  16. Some call it being negative, others call it living in reality. Should you find some magical cure and find yourself blissfully optimistic, please please share your cure with me. Love the pup by the way! We have one rescue. He's psychotic and had to go on doggie Prozac.... My next dog, I bought. I know, I know.. Shame on me (cue Sarah m music)

  17. A part of me really wishes Kate had had at least some trouble conceiving. Just to show the world out there that not everyone falls pregnant the second they want to. I wouldn't mind sharing that with Kate. (I'm not sure if this makes me a bad person though since she HAS to produce an heir and the stress of that pressure would be intense)

  18. Annnnd THAT is why I closed my Facebook account.

    Kate Middleton, though, I can't escape from, even here. She's all over the covers of the French gossip rags; I even saw a special coffee-table-quality magazine on the royal fetus the other day - you know, the kind of mag they publish to commemorate a royal wedding or something. And it's not even born yet! Nuts.

    Sweet, sweet Luna.

  19. I haven't made any announcements on FB. I still don't know if I will. People might be a little confused if I end up posting a baby pic there in the spring with no warning, but f*ck em, right? My real friends know what is going on. I saw someone post a "Christmas miracle" wet pee stick on FB the other day and I would have puked on my keyboard had I not known the girl had 3 previous miscarriages and no live births(I have no idea why after 3 miscarriages that you would do that though?!).

    Kate Middleton seems like a nice girl, but yeah hearing about her morning sickness for weeks at a time is kind of over the top. I agree we better buckle in and put on some blinders because this is all we are going to hear about for the next several months, sigh.

  20. You remind me of my dear friend Jennifer. If she was on line more often I'd be sure to give her your blog addy.

    I've had many a child swarm my legs in stores and come up to me and say "Mom?", great my clone gets kids and I don't goes through my mind.

  21. SOOO Super funny girls!

    We just recently adopted out dog Promise in Sept. (he was born in may) he was brought up from cali because the shelter was over run. 300 dog run and they were going to start putting them down :C The owner of my dogs mother abandoned her because they found out she was pregnant. He was born in a shelter and could have died there!! We just go and head and love the HECK right out of him! (lots of work, wasnt aware of that going in to it) I go thim for my son so that way he would have a friend to play with. We have grown a LOT as a family and we feel soo super blessed to have him in our lives. Like you I would advise people to adopt than to get a designer dog.

    My kid sister is prego and is not announcing it on FB. I dont think I announced it so much as talked about baby names.

    I saw in a mag that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant. I only read mag when I am in the check out line, as a result I am assaulted by the whole princess stuff. And no TV keeps me safe from that bs too.

    Luna has VERY beautiful eyes btw! Please let her know :D

  22. Wow. I'm so glad you exist and write some of the same things I am thinking.